How do I win my wifes heart back?

[IfiKnewThen]

cool . good luck. you never know. if your willing to work on things...anything is possible

[sirweasles]

how do I get her to trust me not too hurt her like that again? How do i get her to allow me back in? I know that she has been messed up too now from all this and ive made things so much worse I want her to forgive me and get better too but I don't know how to approach the issues of stuff she needs to work on. I'm scared that she is goin to get really sick but I fear that all me adressing those issues will do is push her farther away.

[IfiKnewThen]

i think you are right in that you can not talk about what bothers you about her right now. you want her back. you want to win her heart now..and i think thats is by letting her know you are orking on you. tell her you are profoundly sorry for leaning her on too much and talking advantage while having PSTD. tell her you know this is no excuse but that it was/is real but that you know there is help for it and you plan to lighten up with her . ask her to allow you to prove it and then do so. you cant lay stuff on her opr make her feel guilty. you have to assume responsibility right now. after things smoothe over with you guys then over TIME you only when its safe and you know she forgives you do you address the things youre concerned about. BUT do NOT complain to her. i something think i have PTSD too from mounting stresses. my mom had a horrible experince with her battle and loss to cancer. i have a disability...family stresses were off the charts. i turned to my love and best friend and he was good and patient and he felt like a safe haven for me to vent and get good info from to cope and i put so much stress on him. he kept it all in so i could cope with my stresses...then ended up very unhappy and unsatisfied.

 

 

you need to tell why you understand what she has suffered at your hand. and that you dont need to make excuses for it. that you just want to stop it and want to make her happy. its her turn now. maybe these things snap us back to reality too late. i mean you still have your problems but dont they seems less important now without her? so if i am understanding this situation correctly...just give her love. dont play head games. dont make her feel bad. thank her for being there and tell her you can manage it now on your own but that you want to share in the good stuff now with her. and fake it till you make it. but also seek help . be the giver now. dont expect things in return. start with that....i think

[sirweasles]

I know you are right I am just worried that if I don't win her back soon I will loose her for good and I don't think I can live with out her. I know she beleives that if she starts letting her self admit to careing again that ill just hurt her again. I'm scared to death that she will never let me back in. I can talk till im blue in the face but actions are what I need how do I mend fences from 700 miles away when I get to come home so rarely I would quit my job and come back but that I know would end her wanting to work it out I have drowned my depression with beer for too long and have not held jobs well I have to keep this job but it keeps me so far away that I cant do anything but talk to her over the phone. She is shareing more of her daily life with me again I hope thats a good sign but I feel like i'm more of a pain for her than a comfort I want her to let me come home I want her to tell me we will be ok I want her to believe in me again. I want her to truely forgive me and to beable to feel like im wanted again. This battle im fighting is so hard as it is it has become overwhelming with the added marital problems. How do you start liking yourself if the one person you love more than anything in this world has just turned there back on you?

[IfiKnewThen]

thats a good question..the same has happened to me. trying to feel good about myself again and dont know when i will be blessed to really feel that way again.

 

its horrible if you messed up and you feel you can understand where they are coming from. heres the good thing. youre NOT in denial so theres hope.

 

i agree you have to act fast but not be pushy at all. keep talking nicely. stay in touch not pushy. then try to meet up with her sometime..and tell her you just want to buy her a dinner. and dont get into heavy talking during the dinner either..keep it light if you get that far.

 

 

you are right about the beers too. dont drown yourself in your sorrows or escape through this measure. its so so so counterproductive. get rid of that habit and let her know you are doing it. let her see all the self improvement.

 

 

dont get paralized with fear. let love guild you. unselfish love. i think she will eventually respond to that.

 

the distance is horrible. start looking for employment thats closer. serioulsy. that IS far and keeps you at a disadvantage. but yes you need work. dont throw the baby out with the bath water. stay employed while you actively look for another job. see your kids more on the weekends. thats just my 2 cents

[bugaha]

I know exactly what you're going through and in my case there simply isn't a quick fix to change my spouse's thinking. The only thing I can do is try to make every interaction positive and not let the conflicting emotions get in the way of that. Have you thought about how you won your wife's heart in the first place?

[sirweasles]

I believe that part of the problem is that before i left for this job me and my wife were attached at the hips and we both delt with it differently she had her friends that were always pushing for her to be less involved with me and i had no friends so when i left her friends won over and she became confussed and I went nuts cousing what i believe is not a problem of us but a problem of me and her. unfortunatly i went to a mental hospital becouse I knew I was at my limit and it came accross to everybody that i had actually tried to harm myself and now all her support is against me and so everytime she starts to give in she is backed up by her little support group and shuts me back out. I cant take back the past and I am only human I make mistakes as hard as I try I cant get her to drop her gaurd I wish she would just see it as clear as I do she was hospitalized becouse of the stress as well but for less time she has been through a divorce and has learned to shut her feelings down where as i have not so i dont know how to stop trying to fix things how do I get her to work with me it takes two to make anything work and I feel like im the only one trying.

[bugaha]

My issue was alcoholism and depression, of which both have been and continue to be dealt with. As much as I want my wife to see that the sickness was the major cause of our issues and that it's being dealt with, it's simply not seen that way in her eyes. Right now the only thing she seems to dwell on is the damage that I've caused in the past, which is why I know that I can't do anything to quickly win her heart back. All I really can do is work on myself, try to make every interaction with her positive (which is hardest part), and give it time for that trust to rebuild. I'd simply take things day by day man and let time start to heal some of those wounds of the past.

[sirweasles]

I know its going to take time but im scared that with me being out of town working that her support is going to tare her completely away from me. I this is the worst ive ever felt in my life and I just want it to be over I want to be able to go home and I want my family back. patients is a very hard thing for me with this. I am trying to stay sain and fix me.

[bugaha]

I want those same things...... I want to stop dwelling on the past, I want to move forward, I want to work on being a great family for all of us, and I actually want to work on my relationship for the first time in my life. Problem is that she's not at that place so I need to step back, be patient, and be there for her.

 

I have no patience either, I've got to keep telling myself to look at this each and every day and to make small positive changes that will build towards getting things back to where they should be. It really sucks that there is so much separation in your situation, but I would look at it this way. If you're making positive changes towards your situation and getting the help that you need then there is no reason to sit and dwell on the possibility of her support pulling her away from you. If she sees these things, and still has feelings then things will ultimately work out. If they don't, then there is nothing you could do because you took all the right steps. I can't imagine a situation without my wife, but if she doesn't see me for who I am now, then that is not my problem.

 

Take things day by day, be as positive as you can and work on yourself as much as you can.

[Chi townD]

Dude, she built an emotional defensive wall around herself and it is thick as hell! You're gonna be chipping away at it for a while before you tunnel to the other side.

 

Just keep doing what you're doing. Continue to get help for your PTSD and get help for all the problems you're having in your life right now. Don't wave that stuff in front of her like "LOOK AT ME!!! LOOK AT WHAT I'M DOING!!!". She's a woman, she'll see if it's working or not. If she asks about it, go ahead and tell her.

[sirweasles]

thank you for the advice I will try to keep at it and continue to work on myself. I hate this seperation and I hate what its doing to my 12 year old daughter I wish that I had done things so differently in the past but I cant change the past all I can do is work on the present to make a better future I want my wife back I want my life back I feel that I will never be whole again until we are back together and it scares me to think that that may never happen.

[sirweasles]

My wife is worried about my safety but doesn't feel comfortable with me around why wont she open back up why is it so hard for her to see what we both know we want and why is it so easy for her to let my kids suffer from this I don't understand I know ive messed up but so has she we are not perfect. I leave to go back to work tomorrow and I want to cry becouse she still wont let me in she still tells me almost everything and i believe she still loves me but I think she has people talking her down when ever she starts to open up. I just want the pain to end.

[sirweasles]

I hate panic attacks I went from having a good day to being absolutly misserable. I ask questions of people who know more than me about what is going on with my wife and i cant ever get a straight answer why does life suck so much

[bugaha]

It's a very real possibility that even your wife doesn't quite know what is going through her mind, so how or why would people who know more than you do be able to answer those questions?

 

I really feel and can relate to the feelings that you're having because I to am dealing with this. But there is nothing more that I can do other than what's been said, work on yourself, start to chip away at the walls that have been built up, be positive with all interactions with my wife, and slowly do what I can to regain her trust and re-establish the emotional bond.

[sirweasles]

I suffer from panic attacks and pretty much loose my mind during them I went through one last night that lasted for about 6 hours till i finally feel asleep. I was able to text my cousin through it so i wouldnt cause too many more problems with my wife. However my cousin was with my wife and his wife bar hoppig last night and wouldnt tell me anything so I dont know if our conversation by text was being monitored. this sucks I cant control the panic attacks and i can only mildly control my actions during one via what I say I go to a very dark place and everything that could go wrong all of a sudden is and I speak out and try to get answers telling me im wrong this i believe is what finally moved my wife to seperate becouse I started accusing her of stuff and was really wack I really wish I could get better control and stop having these. the one last night was bad enough that I probably would have been in the hospital if i hadnt had sombody to draw my attention until i could finally fall asleep via sleeping pills.

[bugaha]

I assume that you've discussed this with your doctor/psychologist/psychiatrist? I've never suffered from panic attacks, but I've been able to get some help for anxiety.

[sirweasles]

yes im on edication for depression and anxiety/panic attacks I had gone 2 days with out an attack that used to come 8 to 12 times a day I had a cup of coffee while driving back to work last night and about 3/4 of the way through it I got hit with a very strong attack I will stay away from caffinee from now on I do everything I can to not ever suffer one of those again. I find that I cause alot of problems during them as well as feel like absolute sh**.

[sirweasles]

I have gone over 24 hours with out talking to her now. I left a message however letting her know i love her. I am hopping that she will start to miss me lol. I wish things were better.

[IfiKnewThen]

sirW

 

a lot of panic attacks are just a real build up of stress and feeling out of control because you are out of control of some situations in your life.

 

we are used to being aboe to take things and FIX them, or rationalize in our mids how it can work out and be ok. with panic...its all because you feel out of control with something in your life.

 

panic can be stopped. trust me. you really have to start with a place of happiness in you life and that panic WILL go away i can almost promise you that.

 

i know your life sucks right now. i know its spiriling out of control. thats what is getting to you and it sounds like you have become attached and dependant on your wife to some degree. panic can also comes from doing drugs or having done them in the past and nerve damage caused by them. but for the panic that comes from anxiety of not having control over your life that can be corrected and obliterated.

 

its all a thought process. creating a peaceful (non drug) world for yourself. making your environment and a visual and physical sanctuary. telling yourself NOTHING but good uplifting positive thoughts. how everything..no matter how things are or seem. ...will be ok and turn out ok and start with telling yourself little reasons why it will.

 

panic also comes from an inner ear disorder. people with inner ear disorders usually get sensory overload. its NOT that they are afraid to be in public places or open environments...but rather that their "inner ear" 8th cranial never in brain...get damaged..and its becomes overload in too stimulating an environments. like supermarkets.

 

you may have suffered with these attacks before. now with your wife not in your life you feel more out of control and it feels so overwhelming causing a more physiological effect.

 

medications can alos cause this. even some antidipressants which are worse for an inner ear and is ototoxic for some. i am NOTTTTTT ( i repeat) not a dr.

 

but i am a person who knows a things or 2 or 3 about how panic attacks can be induced and how they can be eliminated...for some. : )

 

now if you have other mental problems that can create panic as well. i am only speaking of senory overload panic and stress related panic.

 

you will have to learn how to talk comforting positive dialog in your head..for the more benign panic. that can even help other panic i am sure.

 

provide yourself with a comforting pleasant enviroment. fix your apartment up. sunlight is good. walks are good. fake it till you make it is good. for this trype of panic. face things. tell yourself you will survive it is ok. avoid things when your completely overwlemed. start keeping a journal of all the good positive brave things you do every day and leave out any negative stuff in that journal. and before you know it you will be focus on the better things in life.

 

maybe pray have hope and faith. i am not saying yoru wife will become a new person. but since you can not control her. at least get this handle on your own life.

 

if one dr isnt working for you go to another. read books on the subject. there is a great workbook to help get thru panic and is good.

 

do you ever rememebr when you were a kid and happy how happiness gave you the engery for everything. how in life something just didnt matter or you could handle them because you were happy? you need to get to the place. and drugs wont get you there. anyway sorry to ramble. seek your prof. help. put these are merely litle tips that can add up in the right circumstances and certainly shouldnt hurt. good luck. ps. why is your wife like this...what are the answers? we here do not know. all you can do is help YOu now. be gentl loving kind to yourself and get things back in presepective

[sirweasles]

I dont know why my wife is doing this either. It is not like her she just up and decided that she was happier with me gone and told me to get help for my depression and other issues then we could talk about us. I wonder if he understands that by doing this she made my depression worse and my stress lvls peak. I am now on anxiety and depression medication as well as medication for my stomac becouse of the stress I have to take sleeping pills to sleep and I still only get a few hours of sleep. I have been able to cut my panic attacks down alot though when I get them now they about put me out of commission. I have been working hard on being happy again im afraid that ive given to much of me to my wife and ill never get it back. all I ever think about is her all i have thought about in the last 6 1/2 years is her she has completely dominated my life I dont know how to let go and be with out her.

[IfiKnewThen]

im afraid that ive given to much of me to my wife and ill never get it back. all I ever think about is her all i have thought about in the last 6 1/2 years is her she has completely dominated my life I dont know how to let go and be with out her.

 

i think so many of us can relate to this :(

[sirweasles]

I wish I knew how to just turn my emotions off. I have to work till 5am and i just want to be asleep so that it will stop hurting. I wish I could work closer to home I wish I had never left for this job my wife has money to spend becouse i got this job thats why she is happier i think she isnt worried about bills all the time but to her its becouse im gone I wish she would jut wake up man I hate this ****.

[2.50 a gallon]

What kind of medication are you taking for the panic attacks?

 

I too suffer from them. Mine goes back almost 40 years. At that time I could not find any answers. I spent over 2 years searching for answers. Doctors, therapist, shrinks, nutritionists. Sleep was damn near impossible. I was always terrified. For short periods when I wasn't, I was afraid that they would come back, which they always did within hours. It was multiple of fears, once I could not find a cure, I was afraid that I would have to spend my life locked up in a nut house and possibly in a straight jacket. I had a very loving fiance, who used to rub my back for hours to help me get just a few hours of sleep.

 

These were major attacks that lasted for days. The only relief that I could find was at work and strange as it might seem, but while driving my race car. It was at these times that I was able to focus my conscious on something other than being totally terrified.

 

The answer came in a drug called Ativan. It was amazing. A full force hurricane, along with a force 4 tornado and a 10 point earthquake could hit me, and one little pill would take away all effects within minutes. Then once I learned to be able to trust the medicine, healing was able to take place. In 40 years it has NEVER let me down.

 

To this day I still carry around a vial of the medicine. When ever I feel an attack coming on, all I have to do is take the bottle out of my pocket and give it a shake to hear the rattle of the pills. I can now go for as much as 6 months without having to take one.

 

Once I was able to control that attacks I was able to move on and live a normal life.

 

Maybe I am one of the lucky ones, as it has never let me down, even when the worst attacks have come at me.

[sirweasles]

they have me taking citalopram once a day and gave me sleeping pills so that I could sleep. Luckily my attacks have decreased i was having 8-12 a day now I would say maybe one a day and they range in severity from really small to massive I luckily havnt had a massive one since thursday. I was impressed I was actually able too laugh at work last night I havnt been able to laugh out side of being really drunk in a couple months I have drug myself down with depression so deep that I have little desire to continue living The panic attacks made me go crazy I spent 3 weeks in a straight state of anxiety with ne medication I probably had about 12 hours of sleep total and at the end of the three weeks I broke during the three weeks I accused my wife of all sorts of stuff I wound up in a mental hospital unable to speak more than very small phrases and shaking so bad that it was uncontrolable. I just wanted to die but I have three little girls at home and they need there dad so i got help. Now I am rarely happy but its getting better I no longer want to die I just want to be happy again I am taking baby steps but im moving forward laughing at work was a big step for me and I hope to continue finding more joy in life as the days go. I know that it would be easier if i were with my wife but also there would be a better chance of me just blocking this all back in and not working it out so right now at least I feel that im getting it out I only fear that my wife will not wait or that she will never let me back in but I must refind happieness no matter what.