How do I win my wifes heart back?

[hanging on for now]

how do I work on myself when she is the biggest part of me I cant find any plessure in anything knowing that she doesnt want me around. How does a person who has to regain the desire to live do so when every thing is falling apart. I don't understand how im supposed to find happiness when everything is so wrong. its like a double dose of depression with panic attacks to go with them. How do I let her know I love her and distance myself at the same time. It would be easier to just go NC until i could rebuild me but I cant becouse of my little girls and becouse Im affraid that she will move on and I will have no chance.

 

Sorry guys my life is a mess right now and Im tryin to get a foot hold on it but damn its slippery.

 

I understand and feel for you. The PTSD wasn't the problem. It might have been the last nail in the coffin but if you examine it closely, there probably are other things present. I know that she probably felt more like a parent than a wife, which pushed her completely out. All I can say is stay in touch. Try to show her where you are bettering yourself, to be more what she wanted. Honor her requests if she asks you not to call, don't. Email and mail are still there. I'm not saying harass her; stay positive. Gifts are a bad idea. She would think you are trying to buy her back. It's tough, I know. I'm separated as I write this. My advise is what I wrote. That's the life I'm living. Hasn't worked yet but we are doing better. Good luck.

[sirweasles]

well My paychecks still go into our joint account that i cant really access becouse of my location so she pretty much gets say on the money. Right now I have to prove myself I have to show her that I am getting better and that I can support my family in the next couple months she will have all our front line debts paid off and we will beable to start paying off past debt to clear our credit reports. When I went into depression 2 and 1/2 years ago I lost my drive I wouldnt look for work and I let my family down i kept telling myself im bringing in my gi and my wife didnt bring anything in while she was in school well that started problems then after I graduated I had started drinking heavily a couple nights aweek and still had very little drive so i lost alot of jobs and have not been the sopporter that i had promised to be and had been for the first half of our marraige. I now have a very good job that I love and yet I would drop in a second if my wife asked me too but for no other reason I am finally able to more than just servive and my wife has noticed even from 700 miles away that I have been getting better she now talks to me everyday and tells me about her life I am slowly becoming the person she turns too for support again. The hardest part for me is that she still wont tell me she loves me though she wont deny it. She I believe is testing the waters with me waiting making sure that im not just putting on an act. Or she really is over me that way but wants to keep me as her best friend. Only time will tell however my fingers are crossed becouse I cannot just be friends with sombody that I love so much It would be to much pain.

[sirweasles]

so my wife just deposited money into my acct today and then called me up and got mad at me becouse my acct was in the negative. She professes to not care but she sure seems to still care an afull lot. She now talks to me daily and texts alot. she still wont tell me she loves me and has yet to bring up anything about us I am so confussed I dont know how things are going I only know that she is talking to me again. I however know that to bring it up would probably put be back alot of steps though so i will continue to wait for her to bring it up.

[sirweasles]

im done i just called my wife and she said she was goin to call sombody else and basically didnt want to talk to me im tired of it. I cant do anymore this is bullsh*t ive have spent the loast f*cking 4 months doing nothing but working ive gave all my money to her ive ran pout of gas ciggerets food and she has 0 respect for any of it im so fu*king sick of this **** what the f*ck is wrong with her she is happier than **** to spend the money i make and if its her calling me then its all good but if i call her she is good she doesnt want to talk fu*k im a dumb *ss I need to just *ucking walk the *uck away and never look back what the h*ll is f*cking wrong with my stupid *ss f*ck in hate life i should of fixed the problem when i was ok with it now im f*cking out of the mind set and everything screams not too f*ckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

[hopesndreams]

Congratulations! You have finally moved onto the Anger stage in the 5 stages of Grief.

 

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

 

The decision isn't just hers to make. You have a say in what happens in your life. You can't control her, you can only control yourself. You can't wish things to be better. You can't twist yourself like a pretzel in order to try and please her. Decision time.

 

You are completely and totally obsessed with her. It's time to focus on YOU. Take care of YOU in order to be able to take care of your kids and get your life back in order. You need to reach down into the very depths of your being and find the strength TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST.

[sirweasles]

thanks hopes I have been trying to put myself first. I have to admit i got alittle drunk tonight. part of my problem tonight is that I found out a few days ago that my dad had cancer and i let it get to me finally. my wife has been very receptive of late however her parents hate me becouse i told my daughter i was in the hospital when i had my breakdown and nobody else so everytime she talks to her parents she get cold towards me tonight she was spending time with her dad tomorrow she will probably be back to nice and talkative but who knows i feel that my life has hit rock bottom my wife doesnt love me my dad has cancer my family is 700 miles away i spend my free time on my laptop and i have no friends i just blew the sh*t out of my finger got 10 stitches and alomost lodt my job i cant turn wrenches for awhile which i love becouse of it and who knows what else will go wrong there are very few possatives in my life right now however i am fighting to find every one of them becouse the list of negitives is massive and easy to find. understanding as to what i did so wrong to deserve this **** it elusive

[IfiKnewThen]

geez sirW i am so sorry to hear all of this.

 

its all just such a build up of pressure and let downs. we get so hopeful and then BAM. they do something to burst our bubble. i know a good deal of your happiness depends on her being happy with you. i get what youre feeling.

 

ok...dont hate me but i still feel (even though its your escape and feels like youre only outlet) lay off the booze. dont kid yourself its REALLY a depressant in the end. you need to get your body back in order. blood flowing and back to normal without the booze

 

 

also, when a man works as hard as you and provide all the money, they think..this should be enough. but sadly its not . even though your wife does seem to be taking it all now.... most women...want more too...unless they are gold diggers.

 

 

we want someone to UNDERSTAND US. talk nicely. encourage us. we most def. want someone we can feel SAFE with. i dont think you did anything bad on the phone. but maybe she does? i have no clue. just try to think about it.

 

she sounds like she now wants to be in control too. so she gets to call you , you dont get to call her? is that it?

 

by the way...is she on meds? drugs? drinking? what is she doing with the money?

 

great advise too from poster hopesndreams too. yes there are all phases ...and as long as we hope it puts off having to feel..the other feelings of maybe not having a chance with the one you love. so BAM anger.

 

we like to be reatively certain about our lives and when we are not...BAM anxiety, panic, fear, depression anger. you know the drill.

 

so, say to yourself..what is the worst that can happen if i am NOT with her and try to begin to accept that. BUT at the same time tey to make headway with her...little by little. but hope for the best expect the worst.

 

it says in the bible you cant serve 2 masters because you will love the one and hate the other. i never knew what that meant before being in love and wanting things one way and working towards that but expecting it another way and preparing for that. its so conflicting. it seems like you have to have one mindset to be completely successful sometimes.

 

so why not say to yourself...ok i will keep trying to win my wifes heart...and be better, etc. and then say IF that doesnt work...i WILL do all i can to move forward for ME without her.

 

that seems like the only plan. but you also have to ask yourself..what are you up against. what tools do you have to make this plan work?

 

are you sober? (sober doesnt mean alcohol only) is she? do you both have your heads clear? in the meantime you have kids too. they need time and focus as well. i am sorry if this sounds long winded. just thinking a lot here.

 

i hope it all comes together. youre dad needs love and attention too and you need to be kind to yourself. not get hurt physcially too . even your wife is NOT worth more of your going downward. so YOU, your kids, your father, your wife. maybe that order.

[sirweasles]

I find it takes very little to ruin my mood when it comes to my wifes comments and when im not sober it takes alot longer to get over it. I have gone out 2 times since christmas I dont drink much Im honestly not concerend about that it is a seldom thing for me. My wife drinks more than I do but not alot. My biggest problem is that im not ready willing or able to let go she is my utmost world.

[hopesndreams]

If you continue to do what you are doing, you are essentially doing nothing. Doing nothing will get you nowhere, you have proven that. She ain't budging and all she is concerned with at the moment, is not your broken heart but $$$$$ only, so she can live the life of Riley while you are just about broke and destitute. You can't live in this state indefinitely. It will destroy you. You might even end up homeless, living in your car, out on the streets and she just doesn't care. She has shown she doesn't care, over and over. She is not going to knock on your motel room door, jump into your arms and proclaim her undying love. If she does? You would have to scrape me off the ceiling!

 

I suggest you do an about face for your own sanity. No more "I love you" proclamations over the telephone because what has she done to deserve it? Not only that, but each time you say it, it just reminds her she no longer loves you. Also, send her less money. It must kill you inside to hear about her new outfits, right?

 

Stop making her your whole world. She's just a woman. Flesh and blood. Your children and dad need you. Don't fall apart.

 

What you have just read is in no way meant to hurt you even more than you already are. I'm not an angry, bitter woman getting her revenge or building herself up.

 

Just trying to help. The truth shall set you free.

 

If you believe in God, pray and hand it over to Him. Let Him deal with it. Give yourself a break, rest up, clear your mind and stop being her little puppy.

[sirweasles]

she controls all the money becouse she is the one paying the bills unfortunatly we got into alot of debt before i found this job but she has been doing really good at paying it off. I have backed off alot and feel that im gaining ground. My wife got really sick I believe mostly do to the stress of our situation around the same time i did. I hope and pray that she is thinking more clearly and coming back around. to me giving up isnt an option I will fight for my marraige until the day she hands me the D papers or i die which ever comes first. I do not think you are out to cause problems I know everybody gets frusterated some times and in no way does you telling me your honest opinion of how you see it bother me at all i apreciate it honestly. my issues in some of the other posts are some btought on by my personal anguish as well as my personal beliefs. as i have said previous i apreciate your heart felt advice and believe you have alot to offer. Thank You

[sirweasles]

Congratulations! You have finally moved onto the Anger stage in the 5 stages of Grief.

 

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

 

The decision isn't just hers to make. You have a say in what happens in your life. You can't control her, you can only control yourself. You can't wish things to be better. You can't twist yourself like a pretzel in order to try and please her. Decision time.

 

You are completely and totally obsessed with her. It's time to focus on YOU. Take care of YOU in order to be able to take care of your kids and get your life back in order. You need to reach down into the very depths of your being and find the strength TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST.

 

been trying all i want is to make her happy though thats what i live for thats what makes me happy. I am not good with words and im not the brightest person. I act through my feelings and do what makes me the happiest unfortunatly im not happy very much becouse i cant make her happy. I have been trying to do stuff for me but cant stop thinking about her. I am not as independant as i would like heck im not independant at all. I went to buy food for me and could only decide on sandwich stuff so i get to eat ham and cheese sandwiches for the next 2 weeks. I feel my mood darkening again and must do somthing i cant hit rock bottom again

[hopesndreams]

We come into this world alone, we die alone.

 

You can't make your W happy and she can't make you happy. That's unfair to both of you. Happiness comes from within.

 

You are alone now. How long has it been without her by your side? I don't mean one-sided phone calls and texts either.

 

You have been independent but have been living in a state of limbo which is messing with your mind that leads to making wrong choices. You are in a fog.

 

It's beyond difficult to learn to live without the person you love but learn you must. It's like walking wearing cement shoes.

 

You can still fight for your M but you are confused, desperate and going about it the wrong way. Give her space and that will give YOU space. Rediscover you and find happiness from within. Give her chance to miss and wonder about you. By the time she realizes who she has thrown away, you would have moved on and wouldn't even consider getting back with her.

 

If possible, send her less money and get some IC.

[sirweasles]

I am in IC once a week and right now im faking the funk hoppin the funk becomes real. I have been giving her space I am going to work on less contact from my end. At this point i feel it is counter active to ignor her but I will become more limited on access. I cant split my check in to 2 dif areas that would be nice.

[sirweasles]

the hardest thing ive ever done is trying not to talk or text my wife I still slip up I dont understand how it seems so easy for her.

[marqueemoon4]

Just let go. I know its incredibly hard, I'm struggling with it too. If you guys are supposed to be together then it will happen.

[hopesndreams]

the hardest thing ive ever done is trying not to talk or text my wife I still slip up I dont understand how it seems so easy for her.

 

She is physically and emotionally detached from you, that's why it's been so easy for her.

 

You have either been a total and complete monster and she's relieved you're gone or she is having her emotional needs met by someone else. Perish the thought of an OM or accept this might be the case, is up to you.

 

Do not be her emotional support and do not look to her for your emotional support. She is just not interested at this present time. That may change, it may not. No one has a crystal ball.