It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

[Ajax]

Every year around this time I start to reflect on the year, and this year I have a lot to consider.

 

The first half of 2010 I was going like gangbusters. I was halfway through grad school and had a 4.0 GPA. All my friends were around and I had a thriving social life. My support structure was in place and I felt unstoppable.

 

Early in the year I met the most amazing girl I'd ever known. She was gorgeous and we clicked immediately. We had common friends, interests, and hopes for the future.

 

January through mid August were literally the happiest of my life. They were the best of times.

 

August 14th comes around and this girl who I thought I had a bright future with leaves seemingly out of the blue, saying that she needs to "figure herself out." By then a lot of my friends had moved out of state. My support structure was for all intents and purposes obliterated. I went NC with her, something I didn't think I'd end up doing. I stopped caring about school and my work suffered, and backed up. my life began to unravel.

 

In the weeks after she left I cried more than I had since I was a baby. For a month i couldn't even live in the apartment she'd helped me move into. These were the most miserable months of my life. It was the worst of times.

 

So looking back, was this the best year of my life or was it the worst year of my life? Do the two extremes negate each other? I'm not bipolar, but jeeze lousie, I went from the highest of highs to lowest of lows overnight.

 

There's so much that I should have wanted to remember from 2010, but here at the end, I just want to say good riddance!

[Fermentum]

Perhaps they don't negate each other, but they do balance. For everything you gain, you must give up something eventually; the secret seems to be recognizing this and living it.

 

For the first two-thirds of the year I was moderately happy. Living with someone I loved, in a city I loved, with friends I cared for and a life that I loved. The only thing missing was that I was working a horrible short term mindless job waiting for Grad School in September, and it infected the rest of my life. I felt aimless and didn't challenge myself, wiling away the hours and counting down the days. Flash forward to now where Grad School is amazing and I feel full of purpose and drive for myself. But to get here, I had to give up all those other things. I'm single, in a new and foreign city with a few friends, but not the net that I had.

 

So in the end, 2010 will be about balance for me. Maybe realizing that I can't have it all, but that I need to work to be happy with what I have. To live a life mindful of how fragile and impermanent everything is, and to learn to let it go. That's the hardest right now, mourning what I had and wanting it back.

 

So I think it's about weighing the good with the bad; you can't have one without the other.

[Ajax]

So in the end, 2010 will be about balance for me. Maybe realizing that I can't have it all, but that I need to work to be happy with what I have. To live a life mindful of how fragile and impermanent everything is, and to learn to let it go. That's the hardest right now, mourning what I had and wanting it back.

 

So I think it's about weighing the good with the bad; you can't have one without the other.

 

I wouldn't have minded giving up a little bit of the good to have been spared some of the bad too. Hopefully 2011 will be a bit more balanced for both of us.

[starryeyed12]

"Lately it occurs to me what a long strange trip its been...." GD

 

That's what comes to my mind right now about 2010.