Confused

[Leeeenda]

I have been married for 3 years and with the same man for 8 years. I look at my life and I don't know if I am happy anymore. I love him but, I don't feel the same way about him that I did years ago. I am 31 y/o and I am scared. We never do anything together anymore and it seems as if we have grown apart. I find myself attracted to other men, but I won't act on these feelings. I don't wnat to look back on my life years down the road and have many regrets. I want to feel important to someone not just be a body living under the same roof. Sometimes I feel that I am being selfish for feeling this way, but I cannot pretend to be happy when I am not and this is not fair to him.

[Tony T]

Your post could have been written by any one of millions of women...and men too.

 

First, let me be the first to tell you that YOU are responsible for your happiness, not your husband or anyone else. If you got married so someone else could make you happy, you made a serious error.

 

Relationships take massive amounts of work, communication, doing things together, all kinds of strategies to keep going over a long period of time. Only on extremely rare occasions does the enormous passion that exists in the beginning of a relationship last more than one to five years. After that, hopefully the mature paricipants settle into a comfortable and companionate situation that can stand the test of time.

 

You need to build your relationship into something more than it is now. You and your husband can do this by yourselves or with the help of a counsellor. But don't expect yourself to feel that newness you felt early on. That was chemicals swirling through your bloodstream...nature's way of ensuring the survival of the species...to get male and female together to procreate.

 

So nature did a number on you. Now you must face the reality that you are with a man that you must work with, if you want to honor your committment. If he is abusive, neglectful, a poor provider, etc., then you have grounds and good reason to leave him.

 

If you simply aren't happy, don't put that off on him. You take some responsibility here. You don't need your husband to be happy. If you did, you would have been in pretty bad shape if you hadn't met him.

 

Work on your marriage. It can work. Otherwise, you will go through this again and again...because those chemicals that cause the initial excitement in relationships always fizzle out sooner or later.

 

I know you aren't happy and you want somebody to encourage you to make changes. People who know me know I would be the first to tell you to dump this guy if there was a valid reason. But unless you failed to mention something in your post, the happiness thing is something YOU will have to deal with all life long.