Tired of controlling dad

[sadie82]

Hi this is a rather long and maybe confusing story.

My dad has always been a controlling person with a lot of mood swings, but this has seemed to get worse in recent years (or maybe I am just old enough to realise it and get sick of it!) My mother died last year and so since then I have taken the brunt of his controlling behaviour and anger, but since then I have got married and my husband has come to live with us (my dad basically insisted and we didn't have much choice due to money) and I am really worried that this controlling behaviour is not only going to take over my life but my husbands as well.

 

Although I know my dad likes my husband it still doesn't stop him complaining about him behind his back to me (he hardly ever complains to his face). I find its a hard situation to be in because when my dad complains about him I am tempted to tell my husband to change what he is doing just to spare me a headache and to stop any trouble from escalating, but at the same time I know this is not fair and I also dont want my husband to know about my dads complaints too much as I want him to feel comfortable in what is supposed to be his house.

Recent complaints have included, that my husband visits his uncle too much (about once a week), that he hates the way my husband says my name, that my husband is tight, that he is lazy, that it is childish that he plays on a computer game for about an hour a day (maybe not even that much), that I should get my husband to make his own tea/do his own ironing (I dont work at the moment as I am pregnant so I wouldn't say it is too much for me to make a cup of tea!) and the list continues.

 

Now you might think that my dad could be right about some of the things but I would like to point out that my husband is very polite and doesn't drink or smoke or really go anywhere apart from to his uncles house and to work and I also know that if my husband changed all these things to suit my dad, my dad would come up with a new list of things to complain about. Another problem is that my dad compares everyone in the world to himself and of course no one is ever as good as him and it really is so hard to argue with him as he is good at arguing and basically intimidates anyone he argues with and he thinks that everything is his business.

 

My dad has a lot of good points he is generous, funny, clever and reliable but when he has one of his bad days it cant help but wipe out any good memories that you have of him.

 

I know people will say that I should confront him and I do occasionally try but it is pointless and he will skew any argument so it is in his favour.

In some ways I feel that my dad has just changed his target for his complaints (before he found out I was pregnant, my dad was treating me like dirt and being nice to my husband) But now he is constantly moaning to me about my husband and to be honest thats worse and my dad doesn't ever seem to consider that its stressing me out at a time when I really dont need any stress.

I suppose I just want to vent my problems and see if anyone else is dealing with a controlling dad

Thanks for listening

[creighton0123]

At one point in time, I had to tell my mother to stop being controlling and accept me as her son or run the risk of not having a son.

 

The things you listed about your husband are things that make him who he is. He works, so he is not lazy. He plays video games... that's not any more or less childish than playing sports, he visits his uncle (sweet guy), he says your name the way he says your name... and you like to make him tea and iron his clothes for him? There are worse things :-D

 

Now I'm not saying you should confront your father. Instead, work with your husband so that the two of you can stand on your own. If you think he's controlling now with the two of you, how much more controlling is he going to be when you have your baby and there are three of you?