Issues turned worse

[Obie]

Hey folks.

 

I'm feelings very depressed right now so excuse me if this is not in the proper category, I just really need to share this with people outside of my family and, well, right now.

 

I'm a 15 year old straight male (going to be 16 in a month) and, well, I've had a...hard life, and that's not to be melodramatic. My father is a Alcholic who's relapses every couple of months. My mother is extremely difficult to get along with; she's the sort of person that tries her hardest but still ends up having a hard time succeeding. I've never lived in a stable home for more then 2 years at a time; my parents divorced when I was 3 and I've been split between living with them all my life. Recently my mom moved to Florida so I've been living with my stepmother (note, not my father) for the last 6 months here in New York.

 

I have a hard time connecting with people. I'm extremely quiet and reclusive most of the time. On these rare moments I will sporadically become the life of a party, and that's been a source of great pain in me. My father is very similar; I'm honestly his best friend, and we talk maybe once a day for 2 minutes. People tell me I'm eloquent but most of the time I don't think much of myself. On several occasions I've tried hurting myself out of despair for my looks (I'm not very attractive). I have terrible acne in general and an out of shape body. I know I'm not fat but the only way girls will seem to even look at me is if I'm physically fit. They don't seem to care how insightful and caring I could be to one of them if given the chance. I'm like a dog, I don't speak but I can understand. I've always felt like I could be the best companion a person could ever look for if I obtained the opportunity.

 

Like I said earlier, I'm very depressed about how my life has been. I don't blame god (to much of a realist), I blame myself. My parents were under stress in their relationship before I was born, and to be honest, my birth only expanded their troubles. I feel like I'm the cause for a lot of misery and pain for people. I used to bully my sister when I was feeling down because I had the chance to be charge of something (anything even!) in my life, and that's made me feel like a monster and has only sunked me further in his hole.

 

I know there's good inside me but it seems like the demons in my brain always win in the end. I try my best, but no one ever looks past my acne.

 

There's this girl I know, and I swear, she's one of the most beautiful person I've ever seen. Her name is Kayla. She's not the "prettiest" by society's standards but that's what makes her so attractive to me. She's down to earth and very bright. Funny too, I laugh at all most all her jokes without even thinking about it.

 

But the thing is...I never approached her. I started another new school this year because I failed my regents exam. The private school I was in refused to take me back. So I know nobody in this damned district, I'm too damn quiet, and I'm too damn gullible to think that I would ever change.

 

I checked into a Troubled Teens hospital because I was feeling suicidal and that I might do something. I was only there for 1 week, but there was this one girl there who made me feel like a person. Her name was Marilyn, and she was there because she heard voices inside her head and was cutting herself. She told me my eyes were cool and icy, and I was speechless; I've never been complimented by a girl before. I talked with her for a while and got to know her better. She asked me questions too, and it was good to get someone to ask me about what I was thinking for once. She was very intelligent, and we had a good conversation. I knew we could never be together but she gave me the confidence a man needs to go out and try to be with someone.

 

I started going to the gym with my cousin recently. I told everyone that it was because I wanted to be in better shape and improve my mood, but the reality was because I wanted to look attractive for Kayla. I was putting it off for a long time because I knew I was going to be a total idiot; I wanted to put it off until I was absolutely ready. I seriously think I'm in love with this girl, and the sad part is we've never even talked to each other.

 

After about 3 weeks, I decided, earlier today, in the one class I have with her (gym doesn't count), I would strike up a conversation. It's almost Christmas break so I figured I would get to know her a little better, maybe get her facebook or something. Just to give me some time to prepare...

 

About halfway into the double period a group of her friends were talking about how tall they were, and their conversation dawdled into how tall their boyfriends were. And so, I found out that she has a boyfriend. I mean, of course she does. Why wouldn't she? She was an amazing person and deserves to have someone to be with her....someone other then me.

 

I feel weak. I'm a very prideful person but I feel as if the one chance to break the grip of this depression and suicidal thoughts has come too late. this wasn't just infatuation. I wanted to come into someone else's life and be their best friend. I wanted to be someone who could protect another person to the fullest.

 

I don't even remember why I posted this anyway....reading back it all comes across as pathetic and contrived. I should just go kill myself I'm so incompetent. I'd write a letter but I doubt it would come out well enough to be read.

 

I was hoping to ask you...does it get better? Has anyone had similar experiences they could share? Some guidance? I don't have many people to turn too. I don't think I'll ever find love. Not because I can't love but because my personality and physical being are so repulsive that no girl would ever see past it.

[DragonSlave49]

Our circumstances are different, but I've felt all of the same things that you have. I've been so depressed and so lonely that I couldn't even sleep at night, I could only lie there shaking like I was cold. I've planned my own suicide, and probably the only reason I didn't do it was because I am a coward. There are plenty of women I know that I think of as friends, but I still feel that needle of pain when they start dating someone. A cynic might say I'm a creepy loser, but at least I'm not vain and shallow.

 

That's how I felt in high school, and it is how I feel now. I've had relationships, but they've failed, so my story isn't the same as yours. I'm almost twice your age, but I don't think that makes any difference. Think of me as the person you're afraid of becoming in 15 years. So the only thing I can do is tell you how I ended up here. I can give you the exact reason. Take it or leave it.

 

During middle school and high school, my endless desires to have a girlfriend, my feeling that I would always be alone, my inability to make close friendships all added up. I ended up getting bad grades, not developing any of my hobbies or gaining any interesting skills, and just like that I threw away my future.

 

Ironically, if I had developed my non-romantic interests I would have become a much more attractive person. But I never did. My obsession with my own loneliness had ensured that I remain lonely. That is still true today.

 

The number one thing that women respond to is not looks, personality, money, etc. It is status. Status is gained by being good at something that society places value in. People who are good at things inevitably have hot girlfriends. Looking good is just a thing that some people are good at. You can only gain status by consistently demonstrating success. Or through fraud. But fraud only works for ruthless people.

 

And here's the obligatory "you're still young" pitch:

 

A couple years after high school, I dated a girl who was attractive, had a lot of friends, and came from a wealthy family that was perfect in every way. I assumed that she would have a lot more experience than me. For one thing, she told a lot of dirty jokes. But it turned out she hadn't ever even kissed a guy. I realized that most people in high school were just faking it. At least in America, most people don't get involved romantically until college.

 

Finally, I'll leave you with these words of wisdom that someone told me when she rejected me: Everybody's misery is the same.

[Ometeotl]

Ahhh, well I am wondering, if you are going to kill yourself, what would you do it for? World peace? abolishing poverty? perhaps to accent the injustice of social norms and how they are symbolically violent, increasing peoples insecurities and manipulating peoples sense of self.

 

Symbolic violence, you may not know of it, is allowing violence to be perpetrated, and guising the knowing harm (defined as violance) as something other than violence.

 

For example, domestic violance, there is a great deal of symbolic violance in regards to 3 things, blaming the victim, deflecting responsibility, and perpetrating myths.

 

Blaming victim example is "why did you get him so angry and provoke him to hitting you" instead of "why is he abusing you, thats against the law, lets call the police"

 

Deflecting responsibility example, "I can't be held accountable for hitting you sometimes, its just part of my nature" instead of "I am a man, I should be held accountable for all my actions and be prepared to suffer the consequences"

 

Myth examples "oh I know he hits me but its just a part of how he shows his love" instead " I know he hits me, its part of the way he is trying to dominate me and control me in a coercive, violent, and destructing way"

 

Ok, I think you get it, anything it is knowingly harming a person or persons and is not held accountable when an alternative (commonly any alternative that does not inflict harm to person) is possible, that is violence.

 

Violence violates our rights (human rights, bill of rights, learn them), that is where justice comes in, justice protects our rights.

 

So, whats my point? Well Injustice, or we can just say a violation of human rights especially pertaining to violence (knowingly harmful agency), is harmful.

 

You are my friend are being harmed by an amazing array of violence in your age group, firstly, the media subjecting you to an array of imagery that links the opposite sex to an extreme form of lusting. Also, the myth that teenagers are out of control by their hormones (this is not true), also by social norms that are perfectly outrageous, simply another residual of how imagery in the media has preyed on the youth. Also, in terms of blaming the victim, depression and self loathing is the purest form of blaming the victim.

 

Are you getting my picture? I simply am letting you in on an awareness of the violence that has been sniped not just at yourself, but really all people in america, and thats the tip of the iceburg. Awareness by itself however is never enough.

 

You see, the problems you are facing is bigger than yourself, therefore the solution has to be bigger than yourself.

 

What does that mean? well, lets take MLK Jr. I am hoping you are well versed on his life as civil leader.

 

Martin Luther king Jr. (I disciple of Gandhi's) practiced non-violence (ie not cooperating with unjust laws, protesting against them, and bring tension through speech to masses and collective gathering... etc without inflicting harm against his oppressors)

 

Non-violence is what? how can it relate to your life? Why the hell am I talking to you about this?

 

Non-violance seeks to bring attention AND tension towards injustice (we defined that earlier) and looks to resolve these issues, ethically, ie without violance.

 

Ok, so let me boil this all down, cuz as einstein said, if you cant explain something so that your grandma could understand it, you simply dont understand well enough yourself.

 

In your life you have been dealt great harm, you however will not find the answers of how to deal with this issue by being a sheeple (technical term for sheep people), and following what you have been taught to do, instead you have to become aware of what is going on, understand how it is causing you harm, and deal with it ethically.

 

If I where you, I would start doing the exact oppositive of what most people you know are doing in this planet (outside of education, gotta have that!), and start asking yourself... how do I live in an unethical world, (also can be understood as stategic, which means a method of achieving ones goal as quickly and effectively as possible) ethically (which is defined by recognizing that all people/sentient beings have innate value that should be protected honored and respected, this is a goal, a methodology, and ontological knowing)

 

SOOOO, let me boil down the boils, learn about ethics and how to apply them in your life. It actually is, that is easy.

[hoping2heal]

Hey folks.

 

I'm feelings very depressed right now so excuse me if this is not in the proper category, I just really need to share this with people outside of my family and, well, right now.

 

I'm a 15 year old straight male (going to be 16 in a month) and, well, I've had a...hard life, and that's not to be melodramatic. My father is a Alcholic who's relapses every couple of months. My mother is extremely difficult to get along with; she's the sort of person that tries her hardest but still ends up having a hard time succeeding. I've never lived in a stable home for more then 2 years at a time; my parents divorced when I was 3 and I've been split between living with them all my life. Recently my mom moved to Florida so I've been living with my stepmother (note, not my father) for the last 6 months here in New York.

 

I have a hard time connecting with people. I'm extremely quiet and reclusive most of the time. On these rare moments I will sporadically become the life of a party, and that's been a source of great pain in me. My father is very similar; I'm honestly his best friend, and we talk maybe once a day for 2 minutes. People tell me I'm eloquent but most of the time I don't think much of myself. On several occasions I've tried hurting myself out of despair for my looks (I'm not very attractive). I have terrible acne in general and an out of shape body. I know I'm not fat but the only way girls will seem to even look at me is if I'm physically fit. They don't seem to care how insightful and caring I could be to one of them if given the chance. I'm like a dog, I don't speak but I can understand. I've always felt like I could be the best companion a person could ever look for if I obtained the opportunity.

 

Like I said earlier, I'm very depressed about how my life has been. I don't blame god (to much of a realist), I blame myself. My parents were under stress in their relationship before I was born, and to be honest, my birth only expanded their troubles. I feel like I'm the cause for a lot of misery and pain for people. I used to bully my sister when I was feeling down because I had the chance to be charge of something (anything even!) in my life, and that's made me feel like a monster and has only sunked me further in his hole.

 

I know there's good inside me but it seems like the demons in my brain always win in the end. I try my best, but no one ever looks past my acne.

 

There's this girl I know, and I swear, she's one of the most beautiful person I've ever seen. Her name is Kayla. She's not the "prettiest" by society's standards but that's what makes her so attractive to me. She's down to earth and very bright. Funny too, I laugh at all most all her jokes without even thinking about it.

 

But the thing is...I never approached her. I started another new school this year because I failed my regents exam. The private school I was in refused to take me back. So I know nobody in this damned district, I'm too damn quiet, and I'm too damn gullible to think that I would ever change.

 

I checked into a Troubled Teens hospital because I was feeling suicidal and that I might do something. I was only there for 1 week, but there was this one girl there who made me feel like a person. Her name was Marilyn, and she was there because she heard voices inside her head and was cutting herself. She told me my eyes were cool and icy, and I was speechless; I've never been complimented by a girl before. I talked with her for a while and got to know her better. She asked me questions too, and it was good to get someone to ask me about what I was thinking for once. She was very intelligent, and we had a good conversation. I knew we could never be together but she gave me the confidence a man needs to go out and try to be with someone.

 

I started going to the gym with my cousin recently. I told everyone that it was because I wanted to be in better shape and improve my mood, but the reality was because I wanted to look attractive for Kayla. I was putting it off for a long time because I knew I was going to be a total idiot; I wanted to put it off until I was absolutely ready. I seriously think I'm in love with this girl, and the sad part is we've never even talked to each other.

 

After about 3 weeks, I decided, earlier today, in the one class I have with her (gym doesn't count), I would strike up a conversation. It's almost Christmas break so I figured I would get to know her a little better, maybe get her facebook or something. Just to give me some time to prepare...

 

About halfway into the double period a group of her friends were talking about how tall they were, and their conversation dawdled into how tall their boyfriends were. And so, I found out that she has a boyfriend. I mean, of course she does. Why wouldn't she? She was an amazing person and deserves to have someone to be with her....someone other then me.

 

I feel weak. I'm a very prideful person but I feel as if the one chance to break the grip of this depression and suicidal thoughts has come too late. this wasn't just infatuation. I wanted to come into someone else's life and be their best friend. I wanted to be someone who could protect another person to the fullest.

 

I don't even remember why I posted this anyway....reading back it all comes across as pathetic and contrived. I should just go kill myself I'm so incompetent. I'd write a letter but I doubt it would come out well enough to be read.

 

I was hoping to ask you...does it get better? Has anyone had similar experiences they could share? Some guidance? I don't have many people to turn too. I don't think I'll ever find love. Not because I can't love but because my personality and physical being are so repulsive that no girl would ever see past it.

 

If you are feeling suicidal it is important you reach out to someone. I know when you are 15 all of your problems feel like they may crush you. Keep in mind when you are young your perspective is limited. I used to hate hearing that when I was your age. I too had many things going on and felt I couldn't cope. My parents were divorced then and my Dad had nothing to do with us because he was still angry about the divorce. My mom was a gambling addict and we never knew wether we were coming or going from one minute to the next. We had very little to begin with, but what we did have usually she gambled away. I didn't have acne but I was about 20 pounds overweight and when you're a teen 20 pounds might as well be 100. Also, I was dealing secretly with sexual abuse demons. I did have friends but none of them really knew me. I was funny and charismatic and part of that was a cover to hide all the pain and frustration and fear that was my daily life. It was also, an escape from it too.

 

There were many times I felt like I wouldn't get out of this "alive". I think Kayla might be your escape. You don't really know her or her flaws but what you do know of her she is the kind of person you'd want in your life and fantasizing about her gives you somewhere to "escape too". I used to write concepts for movies and music videos. That was my escape.

 

Since being your age I have experienced things more painful than that time in my life and believe it or not - I look back on it with a certain fondness for the nostalgia of it. I wish I had it to do all over again, I have learned the irony in life is by the time you get to the place where you are really secure within yourself and have a lot of things figured out - you no longer have that wide open youth. It is sad.

 

It's important to note, I've experienced many great and wonderful things too - I am happy I'm alive and that I didn't take my own life then. There are a lot of really wonderful things I would have missed out on.

 

I'm sorry about your home life it is tough growing up with no stability and no parents because the one's you have are lost to their addictions and you are left alone, I know how that feels and I went through my teen years like that too.

 

Do what you can so when you hit 18 you are able to leave. Once you get out on your own and realise you can do what you want - go to college and get into a career you'd like etc. You will realise that you don't have to stay in that unstable environment forever. You can create your own safe haven.

[LaraC]

 

 

I'm a 15 year old straight male (going to be 16 in a month)

 

 

Wow, I used to teach writing to college students and you are a better writer than people twice your age...

 

I agree about the status post, I've even felt myself wondering why guys I never really paid much attention to, and I'm not talking having acne and a few extra pounds I mean these guys were literally hideous, they graduate from law or medical school and then omg if tons of women aren't after them and their moms trying to hook them up with their daughters, etc. It's true what you do with your life and proven success makes all the difference in how attractive you are perceived to be...

 

Anyway, just based on your communication and writing ability I think you should consider law, its only 3 years after college and then once you get the label "lawyer" it's like a light switch how women will respond. Think of it this way, women are very competitive with each other, if one says 'my bf is looking for a job, another says my bf is working at McDonalds, and then she says my bf is studying for law school and interning at a law firm' ... suddenly her status is bumped. Also most lawyers I know come from emotionally damaged households, many with alcoholism, I think it is where they get their argumentative tendencies from - only its a career that rewards communication and intelligence.

 

I'd say talk to Kayla, don't act intimidated by her bf just let her know you have plans for your future and you are thinking of one day going into a profession. Most guys her age are clueless and just focused on parties, beer, sleeping around etc. Then in their 20's -40's they suddenly realize they've wasted all this time and girls are going after older guys who have an established career or at least focused on obtaining stability they can provide to their gf/wife.

You sound like a very motivated, insightful and talented person. You will stand out in her mind, and a smart woman recognizes there are few things more important in a potential bf than talent and ambition. The only thing that surprises me is your problems at school - maybe you just haven't been focused enough, or giving yourself enough credit. Losing a few pounds won't really be noticed, honestly, unless you are way overweight. Developing a sense of purpose and ambition will get you attention.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I too am struck by how sharp-minded and real "Obie" is.

 

Obie, you have a very good handle on your past, and you are certainly on target about why it may be affecting your present. I think a better, more inspirational move would be to connect that past to the future that USUALLY impacts people who share that past.

 

Then, in the present, inspire yourself to step out of the easiest path (which would lead right TO the terrible conditions in the future which will arise from what you've already described)... and to put in a bit of work and effort right now, to AVOID the fate toward which the past has strongly steered you.

 

Keep going to the gym... keep believing that your skin will clear up with time and age... and have a mildly inspirational goal of being in just 'average' shape by the time you are, say, 18... at which point you will EXPECT to be more ready for social successes of some sort.

 

If you're in school, you can easily go and talk to a counselor, and a therapist would be more ideal if that is at all possible.

 

You really have enough on the ball to rate considerable potential in the near future. And know that much of what you are going through isn't far from a 'normal' path through teen years.

 

There are just too many GOOD possibilities off in the distance to take yourself out of the running for finding out if one of them might fancy you in young adulthood.

 

The slow and steady approach assures that you don't have to look like a prince tomorrow... and it refocuses you on a realistic time period that affords you the chance to reach some of those physical fitness goals on a steady schedule. Once you do, then it will be amazing just how much motivation you can draw from just wanting to improve yourSELF for the sake of a mate.

 

Relationships you see going on around you among classmates at your age tend to be whimsical and for the wrong reasons, and those you will find later on will be much more bonding as well as deeper.

[Obie]

@DragonSlave49 - That really sucks friend, I'm very sorry to hear that. I spend a lot of late nights dwelling on how my life is going to be like and if I'm afraid that any "high" moments or brief periods of time when I'm not depressed are only small taunts by god.

 

I don't have many skills either I'm afraid. I'd like to be a novelist one day but I've only dawdled in writing a few times. I think in order to be good at an art form you need to start or developed by a young age. I don't know, that's just logical to me.

 

I don't know what to say about the status comment. I have next to no experience with women at all so I'm not sure how accurate that proposition is. I mean, if that's true, how exactly do you articulate what success is? Success can still mean success in physical appearance if translated in that way.

 

 

 

@Ometeotl - I appreciate the advice. I don't think I'm an unethical person however. Occasionally I have daydreams/dreams where something extraordinary happens and I am the only one who acts with clarity and tries to help people. The last one was a group of students running around the school shooting people. Everyone was leaving but there was one person who was stuck in the classroom. I dreamt that I was a hero, running back in and somehow saving them. When I was reprimanded for my stupidity I accepted it like a warrior would, if that makes any sense. Can you guess who the person I saved was? Most probably.

 

I don't man...I live in fantasy too much. I'm not very practical in day-to-day life. Ethics isn't a concern of mine, applying them neither. Using them to connect and gain respect from people is where I have trouble.

 

 

@hoping2heal - Thanks a lot for sharing that with me. It helped clear my head a bit, reading about someone having similar problems.

 

I'm quite a bit calmer now then when I was writing this thread, so I'm no longer feeling the urge to kill myself. Although when I got home today, I did hurt myself by putting a scissor on my arm. I arched the blades so they wouldn't cut but it still hurt. I felt...better, and that's what depresses me. I feel like a sick creature at times like these. This was the first time I actually hurt myself in such a way too.

 

I read carefully about what you said on how I use this fantasizing about having Kayla (and to some degree, any woman) as a way to disprove that my life isn't stable or "normal". I think I agree. I'd also like someone to actually be looking out for me. As I touched on before, I've moved around a lot and I haven't made any close friends. I was picked on and ostracised in middle school (it was a small school so everyone was either in the "group" or out of it). These were the same kids who I went to 9th grade with. What bothered me was how casually they would joke about it, like it was just part of the routine. I didn't think of it at first but going over it in my head, I believe I felt very mistreated at the time. I suspect I'm developing a very touchy trust problem, if I haven't already.

 

I'd really like to look you in the face and say that's what I plan on doing, just grinding through what's left of my adolescent years and go off to some magical college where it'll all get better. The possible reality of nothing actually changing within me by the end of it continues to protrude into my heart though. Despite all this so called insight people tell me I posses, I seem incapable of deciphering my own emotions. Quite pathetic... :/

 

 

 

@LaraC - Ehh, I really don't think my writing is very good but I appreciate the gesture.

 

Heh, law school. From what I understand it's almost immaculately difficult to complete and I'm afraid I'm not a good student. I don't think I'm unintelligent but I learn on my own terms, if that makes sense. Something to think about anyway.

 

I really, really wish I could just be Mr. Magic and somehow spark up a tasteful conversation with Kayla but I seriously doubt I'll ever be capable of something like that. For some people it's as simple as tying their shoes, for me (and maybe only me) you may as well be suggesting I go to the moon on a bottlerocket. I've had a tablespoon of interaction with her, just brief glances where she caught me taking a glance at her. I doubt she would care to meet me. Such an occurrence happened today and the looked away frustrated. It made me feel depressed, but well, how can I blame her?

 

 

 

SincereOnlineGuy - I wish I shared your enthusiasm. I'm still going to the gym regardless because it's provided a good way to constructively spend my anger and frustration on something.

 

I'm sure there's some good possibilities in the future, and maybe I care too much about my surroundings that I'm overlooking what lies beyond the hill.

 

It's hard waiting though. Perhaps it's because of the way we behave in society but I'd like instant results. That sounds terrible but give me some points for being honest.

 

What frustrates me is that I see people my age or younger being exactly what I want to be, and they seem to be on the right path. A lot of days it's like the only thing I have to show for myself is a semi-successful clan that I run. Even then, in comparison to hard truths about life, it doesn't add up to much.