Lame proposal - can I recover?

[missedthemark]

Hi,

My wife has always felt cheated by our relationship, because (among other things) my proposal was incredibly lame - she was sort of expecting it, as we'd talked about getting married, but I was too self-conscious to even go down on one knee, and didn't really have a speech prepared (let alone a ring). So we started off badly.

 

 

Then at the wedding I let my side of the family spoil it, even though we knew in advance that there would be problems. Consequently my wife's convinced that I don't really love her - or at least, if I didn't take the wedding seriously, why on earth should she take the marriage seriously?

 

 

Ladies - what can I do to recover? This has been preying on us for over a year now. We even had a second blessing ceremony to try and make amends, but, whilst that was nice at the time, it didn't really make up for things. I suspect something more long-term rather than one-off is needed.

 

 

Guys - anyone else foul up in this way?

[befuddled11]

Okay, I'm a woman responding

 

I don't get this. After a year of marriage, your wife is holding many things over your head, regarding your relationship/marriage, and ONE of them is your proposal to you? WHAT? Just off the top of my head, that seems very petty of her. I don't get it. What should that matter NOW, you're married and have been for a year? I think wayyyyy too many women get all hung up on the things that don't really matter. For example, how extravagant the proposal is, how big and lavish the wedding is...when at the heart of it is: the marriage, and the commitment that's made between 2 people to share a life together.

 

What was the big thing at your wedding, regarding your family, that's left her STILL unable to get over it, after all this time?

 

What should matter to your wife NOW is the fact that you've married.....not holding past immaterial "stuff" over your head (that's rude and unfair). You obvoiusly can't turn back the clock and re-propose, you obviously can't go back to your wedding day to have it turn out differently...so why dwell in the past?

 

Does your wife have a habit of trying to make you feel badly about things? Was she like this prior to getting married?

 

It sounds to me like your wife has her priorities mixed up...and she's working really hard to make you feel bad for things that:

 

a) aren't really going to have ANY bearing on your years to come as a married couple....whether you have a good, loving marriage

 

b) are in the past and you can't do anything about.

 

Sorry, but based on what you've written, I don't "get" what your wife's beefs are about. They sound petty and immature and in the past and unfair to you and surely not helpful to your marriage.

[moimeme]

I agree with Befuddled. Your wife is being immature and selfish. What's past is past. You made a couple of mistakes. She sounds unforgiving. It is unhealthy in the extreme to dwell on past disappointments to this extent.

 

at least, if I didn't take the wedding seriously, why on earth should she take the marriage seriously?

 

That is ridiculous. She sounds spiteful, too.

 

Here's what I suggest: give her a present of marriage counselling sessions with you. That's what she needs more than anything.

[Wolvesbaned]

Then at the wedding I let my side of the family spoil it

 

What do you mean by you "letting" them spoil the wedding? Does your family still get in the way of things?

 

From your post, my initial reaction:

Your wife is dwelling on something that might be important to her right now, but in the long-run, it isn't that big of a deal. Sometimes people have a hard time pinpointing what's really the heart of the matter -- could this be the case for her? For instance, complaining about the toilet seat being left up might really be a control of lack of respect one feels from many eveyday actions, not just in the bathroom.

[missedthemark]

There's a great many things, the proposal being just one of them.

 

With regard to my family - my parents are separated (sort of - my father lives with his girlfriend and son, but still goes over to my mother's place a lot). My wife found this very difficult to understand, initially sided with my mother against him, but then when she got no support from her washed her hands of the whole affair.

 

Another thing - in the early days of our relationship I was offered a training contract about 100 miles from where we were then based. I accepted without consulting her - another cause of problems.

 

Trouble is, I've done an awful lot of stupid things to upset her and make her think that I don't really care. I guess that's the underlying problem, and the proposal is merely one particular tip of a very large iceberg.

 

So can I rephrase the question - if someone's decided you don't really care about them, how do you show them that they're wrong??

[moimeme]

You have to do your very best to quit doing 'stupid things'. Do you find that you do them really often and that you really are not thinking at the time? Has this happened throughout your life in other situations as well?

[dyermaker]

Take her out to dinner, get down on one knee, and propose counseling.

[carla]

She married you for better and for worse. If you were together long enough to know each other really well b4 you got married like you should have, then she should realise that in her mind the stupid things you do are part of being you.

If she doesn't love you for who you are maybe she shouldn't have married you.

[Thinkalot]

Your wife needs to let go! And, You need to think of her before you make decisions. Counselling would help you both.

[missedthemark]

My wife says she doesn't have time for couple's therapy. I've been seeing a counsellor myself for about a year now, but she hasn't seen any definite improvements in that time...

 

One problem is that I can only ever seem to keep one issue in my head at any time - which means I'm always trying really hard to avoid my last mistake, but then repeat the one before. It affects relationships more than anything else - I'm pretty introvert, and shy around people, because I think I fundamentally don't "get" them.

 

I think she sees the husband's role as providing the "fairy-tale" aspect of her life - is this a common perception?

 

 

Thanks for all your thoughts.

[FreeMe]

Obviously I only know what you've written here about the situation, but I think your wife is very wrong in this. First, as someone mentioned, she's being petty, both about the proposal and the wedding day. Almost everyone agrees (unless they're very shallow) that what's important is that you got married, not the day. Most people can look back and laugh at their wedding day disasters.

 

Second, it sounds like you're admitting your faults and mistakes and getting counseling, while she's just sitting back assessing and judging all your faults. Is she perfect?? I know just from what you've written here that she is far from it - understanding and forgiving are two qualities she apparently doesn't possess.

 

Third, she's expecting YOU to do all the work on the relationship? That doesn't work. If only one person is working on it, then it's not a relationship. It's you trying to fix 100% of something that you only have 50% control over. If the marriage is important to her she has to find the time to go to counseling.

[morrigan]

Someone who expects a fairy tale ending isn't being realistic. Expecting someone else to make your life perfect--or a person thinking they can make their own life perfect--is unhealthy.

 

It sounds like you have tried to make up your mistakes to her, it seems like she keeps bringing up past resentments, over and over, as a way of making you guilty. If she's unwilling to even address the fact that both of you need to go to therapy together, she doesn't want to work on the problems in your marriage. Does she realize that she's subconsciously saying she's too busy too deal with her marriage?

[BabyGirl]

She doesn't have the time?

The first thing you should do is stop walking around on eggshells when it comes to your wife.

She's not willing to invest any time in couples counseling, when the problem is a couples problem!

Your not at fault...the only thing I see that is lame...is the way your wife is treating you.

Tell her you don't have the word "doormat" tattooed on your forehead.

[moimeme]

People complain that I say this a lot, but the incidence of AD/HD is 4% of the population, which means of LS's 6800 members, 272 could have it.

 

The symptoms you describe are very common to people with AD/HD. Your doing things without remembering to ask her, your 'stupid' mistakes, your inability to keep more than one thing in your head are classic to AD/HD. You also say you don't 'get' people - another major symptom. It's also another clue that a year of therapy hasn't helped. AD/HD CANNOT be treated with talk therapy alone. Meds are required.

 

Maybe you don't have it, but it would be worth getting evaluated. Your therapist may well not pick it up because AD/HD in adults has only been recognized recently and lots of professionals are unaware that it is possible for grownups to have it. Nor do they recognize the symptoms in adults.

 

There are self-tests here: http://www.amenclinic.com/ac/addtests/

 

It's a pretty good indicator of whether or not you may AD/HD. AD/HD is a treatable disorder so you owe it to yourself to check this out ASAP. People with untreated AD/HD have huge relationship problems. The failure rate of marriages with AD/HD partners is over 70% because of it.

[FreeMe]

moimeme,

 

I was going to suggest the same possibility. It seems like missedthemark has problems focusing as well as multi-tasking. I'm not as familiar with the problem as you are, but a few of those things he said above struck me and that's the first thing I thought of.

[GeorgiaSongbird]

Originally posted by missedthemark

My wife says she doesn't have time for couple's therapy. .

 

I think this sums up the problem.

 

Sounds to me she doesn't have time for her marriage and doesn't want to take the time it would need to make it better.

 

You can't make it work by yourself. She has to put in some effort as well.

[BabyGirl]

Originally posted by moimeme

People complain that I say this a lot, but the incidence of AD/HD is 4% of the population, which means of LS's 6800 members, 272 could have it.

 

The symptoms you describe are very common to people with AD/HD. Your doing things without remembering to ask her, your 'stupid' mistakes, your inability to keep more than one thing in your head are classic to AD/HD. You also say you don't 'get' people - another major symptom. It's also another clue that a year of therapy hasn't helped. AD/HD CANNOT be treated with talk therapy alone. Meds are required.

 

Maybe you don't have it, but it would be worth getting evaluated. Your therapist may well not pick it up because AD/HD in adults has only been recognized recently and lots of professionals are unaware that it is possible for grownups to have it. Nor do they recognize the symptoms in adults.

 

There are self-tests here: http://www.amenclinic.com/ac/addtests/

 

It's a pretty good indicator of whether or not you may AD/HD. AD/HD is a treatable disorder so you owe it to yourself to check this out ASAP. People with untreated AD/HD have huge relationship problems. The failure rate of marriages with AD/HD partners is over 70% because of it.

 

 

 

Regardles whether he has ADD or not...it is his wifes refusal to work on her 50% of the marriage that will end it.

But I agree...it's a good idea to find out if he has this problem.

[spencer]

tell her she is right and that

"your sorry that everything you have done has made her feel bad, and after a year of counseling and trying to make it up to her you just cant seem to make it right, so I think we need to get divorced".

 

i know..... im evil

 

I would like to see her head snap around in disbelief and fall off the high horse she's been riding on.

 

sorry, I have been through so much s#%! i cant beleive someone can be so petty.

[befuddled11]

Before we go suggesting that Missedthemark might have some issues to deal with (ADHD), maybe we should consider the "source" of all his "supposed" faults and shortcomings and "stupid mistakes."

 

I get a really strong sense that he takes the blame for everything, and if his wife tells him he's screwed something up, he feels she's correct. It's entirely possible that she's a nag and a judgmental cow who expects him to live up to unrealistic, saintly expectations.

 

I'd be *very* curious to know what all of his "supposed" faults and stupid mistakes are.

 

I get a sense that his wife is cold and critical (hypercritical, really) and enjoys picking on him, while never once stopping to take a look in the proverbial mirror herself.

 

Are these "stupid mistakes" he apparently makes really stupid? Or are they only stupid to her? Would most people agree with her, or disagree?

 

Does she get a thrill or "power trip" from throwing things in his face and making him feel inadequate as a husband? Woman *can be* just as guilty of emotional and verbal abuse as men.

 

The fact that she's STILL throwing his proposal to her, after all this time, in his face..and the fact that she's still hung up on their wedding day, after a whole year of marriage, that says to me that she's probably not a very nice person to be married to, and impossible to ever please.

 

The fact that the poor guy has been going for counselling for an entire year..and he's only been MARRIED for a year........what does that say? It says to me that if he was this "inadequate" as she makes him feel, then what the hell did she marry him for? Did she somehow think she could "fix/change" him to fit her expectations/demands once her walked down the aisle with her?

 

I'd be much more inclined to believe that it's his wife who's got the issues here.......that she is domineering, condescending, hypercritical of him, cold, self-righteous, judgmental..and my god, she doesn't have "time" for marriage counselling? She can sit and b*tch and make the poor guy feel like a big failure, yet she's perfect and has no more regard for her relatively new marriage than to join him in counselling? She sounds like a cold-hearted, self-absorbed b*tch.

 

Missedthemark..I think you should seriously do some soul-searching about what you're getting out of this marriage.

 

Don't you ever feel that she's someone who's impossible to please?

 

Does she ever compliment you on anything you do? Or do you feel that she only ever notices things she feels aren't up to snuff?

 

Do you feel loved by her?

 

Do you feel happy in your marriage?

 

Was she this way prior to your marriage?

 

HOw long did you know her/date, prior to marrying?

 

Don't you think there's something very off and wrong with a wife who refuses to take steps to make changes in a marriage she b*tches about?

 

How is your self esteem....how do you feel about yourself?

 

Does she make you feel that you'll just never measure up?

[moimeme]

Befuddled, that's all well and fine, but by his own report:

 

One problem is that I can only ever seem to keep one issue in my head at any time - which means I'm always trying really hard to avoid my last mistake, but then repeat the one before

 

This is CLASSIC AD/HD. If you've never met a person who has suffered throughout his life because of problems like the one he just described, then you can't understand how horrible these inabilities make them feel.

 

I understand your concern, but it will be of a great deal more help to him to do the self-test and get help for himself if he has AD/HD than to cast blame on others or try to deny his situation. People with undiagnosed AD/HD have very unhappy lives and most are extremely happy to discover that there is a cause - and treatment - for their problems.

[Fedup&givingup]

If your wife doesn't have the time to go to counselling and can't make the time, then it looks like she's the one guilty of not showing that she cares. Plus, SHE'S the one with the problem of how you proposed, and now you've been going to see a counsellor???

 

If she didn't like your proposal, then why did she marry you? She sounds like a drama queen, and she sounds like one that likes to stir the pot and LOOK for conflict.

[spencer]

if your proposal was so bad ask her why she marriedy you?

 

im still pissed reading your post

[spencer]

if your proposal was so bad ask her why she married you?

 

im still pissed reading your post

[sportsloving]

I hope you follow Spencer's advice...

 

You are not to blame for the whole relationship... last time I knew, it took two to make things work. You are going to counseling, she needs to support you and be there too. (I would say moreso than you do).

 

Anyways, only you can decide if this how you want to live the rest of your life, but it seems that she would be happier if she lived in a fairy tale. (I would recommend one, but trying to be polite). Best of luck to you.

[CharmedDiamonds]

okay, so we've established the fact that she's petty. Most likely, you're not going to change that. So I suggest that you take her on a romantic vacation. Then at an opportune(spelling?) moment, get down on one knee and tell how happy you are that she married you. I know it sounds like a bit of work, but if this is a huge problem, its a good solution.