Question for the OWs

[Hazyhead]

I never sought out a picture of xAP's wife, but I did see one by mistake and it knocked me sideways. It was towards the end of the A, he showed me a pic with a photo of her in the background; in it she was smiling and I remember my heart plunged. It brought her to life. Not good for the conscience!

 

I don't think she has a FB page, though I don't know for sure. It's funny because although I admit I was curious as to how she looked it was never in a competitive way, more... whether she looked like me, I guess. She did a bit.

[4321sn]

Hello ;-)

 

I have a question for those that have been "the other woman" I hope you don't mind replying and letting me in on some insight.

 

Have you, as the OW, either "stalked" or felt the need to "stalk" your MM's Wife?

 

I get the wife wanting to check out the OW and "stalk" her...you know, "competition" and all. But if you're an OW and are on NC with your MM, what's your goal, purpose, or point in "stalking" the betrayed wife?

 

Thanks for your insight!

 

I have never stalked her. I googled her many times trying to find out information just because I was curious.

[4321sn]

I have seen photos of her, and have met her even though she didnt know who I was.

[JustAFlyOnTheWall]

A

However, posts by him and her friends on her birthday were painful to read -- her bd the year before had been such a special day for us -- that I knew I had to stop going there. Later on, I actually blocked her FB so I could no longer give in to temptation.

 

HER birthday was a special day for YOU?

 

Wow.

[Hazyhead]

HER birthday was a special day for YOU?

 

Wow.

 

I think you may have misunderstood here, but apologies if not. Morning Coffee was an OM, so the 'she' he refers to is his xAP.

[always_waitings]

Never stalked her, I met her once and all but that was before anything happened between me and MM

He gave me his fb password and all so that I could look at anything I wanted but i've never actually gone on there esp not too look at her profile.

I know for a fact that she was stalking/looking up info on me for a while, I don't think she is anymore but who knows?

[siuys]

Yea, KTD, that would piss me off to no end. That would be an invasion of my privacy...unless I invited a person into my private world they've no business knowing anything about me.

 

xMM showed me pics of his W and kids. I think I might have seen a dozen and told him I had seen enough, thank you. Never went to his home or anything like that as he was living on his own then. Truth is, if I think back, and be honest to myself, he was missing them. That's probably why I didn't want to look at more pictures, and look at HIM looking at the pictures. In hindsight, I really should never have gotten involved, and should have followed my instinct. But it's ok, it's a done deal now. But yes, I think I would feel the same if I were the BW.

[NoIDidn't]

I'm glad someone stated that they don't consider being curious about someone and finding what they can (within reason) online stalking.

 

I certainly didn't feel stalked by the OW knowing that she was doing those things. But the things that I did, as she was a complete stranger to me, might well have been considered stalking.....if I got caught.

 

I don't see anything wrong with googling a person or checking their FB or myspace a time or two. Its when it becomes a habit that there is a problem of obsessing or something.

 

Sorry, OP, not an OW (currently), but I have to confess to some stalking for about a week or two of the OW in my case. Definitely not proud of it. Common sense kicked in pretty quickly. It stopped immediately once I finally got a chance to see her in person. And she probably felt the same way about me when she took the opportunity to check me out in person at a company party as well.

 

It didn't help, though, that I have many friends in professional positions that could get me all the information I wanted and then some on her, her boyfriend, his family, and so on. And they were eager to do it.

 

Considering so much about me was divulged to her, I figured knowing these things just evened the playing field a bit. She has no idea of what I learned during that time period. And, who knows, she probably had friends do the same thing - if not worse. So, I certainly can understand both or either woman wanting info on their "rival".

[BB07]

In answer to the OP's question. When xmm and I first started dating it was under false pretenses, (that he lied about being separated), so yes I had what I would consider a natural normal curiosity about her but I never did anything about it. During the time when I was actively involved in a an affair with him (he lied and said he went back to the marriage, yes the marriage that he really had never left ) I still did not do anything, no snooping, no drive by's or anything else. Then it was over.

 

Fast forward a few years later, he again lied about being separated. When he and I started dating again it was a long distance relationship and I thought he was 8 months into a separation so I wrongly assumed that she had very little to do with me and him.

 

Around a year into it..... he got caught by her unbeknown to me. That is when he started telling me all kind of crap about her and that she was nuts and maybe dangerous. Last New Years eve I received a message from her telling me Happy New Years, signing his name and hers, so of course this fed into his ploy to make me think she was nuts.

 

To shorten a long drawn out story, she and I both started facebook watching/stalking each other. She would put things on her page that I knew was specifically meant for me and yes I responded in kind. (remember I thought they were separated). After a couple months of this.......after one particularly nasty comment to me, I snapped. I replied where I knew she would find it and went to bed. What I said was enough that she knew that I was clueless about them not being separated. So after a few exchanges her and I begin talking like adults and the lies we uncovered were mind boggling. We both discoverd the truth of what a liar this man we both thought so highly of really was. He was/is not any of the things I thought he was.

[September]

When my xMM moved out of home and we were in a "relationship" she called him one morning to tell him that my car was out the front of their home and that I was stalking her. Quite funny really, given he was with me, unless I have a twin! :laugh:

 

Another time, we were sitting in the front of his apartment and her car pulls up with her son in the front seat. She gets out, come and looks through the fence for a minute, gets back in her car, drives around the block, comes back and does it again. We could see her the whole time.

[pureinheart]

I was not commenting on what you said about stalking -0 what I find judgmental is that you are surprised that a BS can post in an "objective and real" manner.

 

I also see plenty of rude posts from current OW - you can't have it all your own way Pure. I have also commented on rude posts in the past and even PMd you once because you seemed to be so bitter in your posts in one thread and I asked you whether you were OK!

 

Plus as others have already said to you - do not tell me how to post/who to put on ignore - you are not a moderator.

 

Where did I tell you how to post????? I asked you to please put me on ignore...big difference. You are not a mod either:)

 

My bad, the wording was off, although have to say that is how I feel about some ROW and BS's...BUT that is not the way I meant to word it...

 

Still fact remains, even the slip was not even close to some of the rude responses I see, and I don't care who it comes from, although I have never seen you pull out a BS or ROW...FTR these "others" you speak of, I take with a grain of salt...

 

Let's see, I was expressing myself...bitter...ok, I'll take bitter...very bitter at seeing the garbage that is said in this forum...yep you got it:)

[pureinheart]

I don't consider checking fb or googling to see a photo stalking at all. If someone has an open fb page then one would assume that they want to be found.

 

The OW in my case toward the end of their R would show up weekly and sit right behind or beside the table of girls I met each week for dinner and drinks. I knew of her but didn't know she was OW till way after D day. I never saw her after her identity was revealed, I told my H to make certain that I didn't that it would not be a happy ending for any of us. From what I understand she would throw a fit when say he bought me a new car,ect...

 

There are a few BS on here with crazy stories of stalker OW as well as a few who no longer post here.

 

Bold...that would creep me out, I just don't get the reasoning with a stalker BS or OM/OW.

 

I am really sorry that happened to you...I forgot that you were a BS because your posting style is objective and real:)...so was shocked to see this.

 

My sincere apologies, I really didnot mean to sound uncool to you. I do have issue with certain posting styles and that is mostlikely where that came from...and have been very busy.

 

I was very shocked to see that you were stalked, as you don't speak of your story very often...you mainly are out there to help others.

 

Stalking is a very sensitive issue for me because of what I went through, so I do understand the invasion of privacy...please, please accept my apology:o

[OWoman]

During the A, I got stalked by a wannabe OW who had a mega-crush on my H and who had tried to seduce him into an A herself on previous occasions. She crossed a couple of legal lines along the way and I had to warn her that I would report her to the police (cyberstalking - defined as two or more acts of unsolicited online harassment - is a crime in the UK). She stopped harassing me then, though she tried several times after that to convince my H that I was "only after him for his money" and that I was all kinds of evil, and that she was by far the more suitable partner for him .

[anne1707]

Where did I tell you how to post????? I asked you to please put me on ignore...big difference. You are not a mod either:)

 

But telling me to put you on ignore is telling me how to use LS. How can you twist that back round on me!

 

As for things I might have posted in the past, I am not going to sit here and work through over two years of posts to find examples. I do have a life. However I will add that much of the anger/bitterness you talk about, I have had way more than my share of especially in my first few months on this site.

 

I had what some would describe as abuse from several posters but I took it. I was messing around people who loved me and was being incredibly selfish in my actions so why should I get bucket loads of sympathy. I needed to pull my act together and change and the "tough love" I got from LS helped me do that. Sometimes this is what you need when you come to LS.

 

Your bitterness with this site? Well that does seem to have been very apparent over recent months but maybe this is self-fulfilling. People will react (as I did) to a poster who just seems to be making digs at whole groups of posters and creating stereotypes of "bitter BS" who cannot post in an objective manner. You know that is wrong yet it is what you posted. If someone posted about all OW being sluts you would be fuming and rightly so.

 

If you want respect, post with respect.

[thissecretgirl]

Yea, I guess I worded it wrong.

 

For those BS who dont know the OW personally...I understand the curiosity. Some ppl on my other forum said they check OWs facebook, blogs, etc (that's not legally stalking, but it's along those lines..hence my referring to it as "stalking"). I get that.

 

I am really looking from the perspective of the OW....*IF* you have done those above things to the MMs wife, WHY? I am trying to figure out what's going through her head.

 

Yes I have done this. He knew i did actually.

 

Why? Actually not to find out more about his wife, instead to hear more about his life. Sad eh.

In the beginning he was really bad at communicating. he wanted to share but found it difficult. I used to read her blog just to hear more about the life of the bloke i loved.

 

Since dday I check to see if I have been named again or anything else said about me and yes perhaps to try and figure out whats going on. I'm a bit paranoid after whats happened.

 

Its a habit that I am breaking though. i dont want to know anymore.

[someday]

It didn't help' date=' though, that I have many friends in professional positions that could get me all the information I wanted and then some on her, her boyfriend, his family, and so on. And they were eager to do it.[/quote']

 

Yes, I had family and friends 'reporting' to me about her on a few occasions, I had to tell them I don't want to know, please don't talk to me about her. This was during/after the A. I just didn't want anything to do with her at all.

 

Haha, you know thinking back on just prior to Rec my H said something like "You don't even know where she is" because I was still *really* angry and, stupidly, *still* wanted to confront her, and she was scared to death of me. I laughed and said "You really think it's that hard to find someone?" Of course I never actually acted on that anger. It took a year, at least, to move beyond being truly pissed off – in general not specifically at her/him but mad at life in general.

 

I was pretty emotioanlly messed up at the time. So I wanted to confront her yet I didn't want to have anything to do with her. I'm glad that I put more energy into not having anything to do with her than confronting.

Edited December 17, 2010 by someday

[NoIDidn't]

Yes, I had family and friends 'reporting' to me about her on a few occasions, I had to tell them I don't want to know, please don't talk to me about her. This was during/after the A. I just didn't want anything to do with her at all.

 

Haha, you know thinking back on just prior to Rec my H said something like "You don't even know where she is" because I was still *really* angry and, stupidly, *still* wanted to confront her, and she was scared to death of me. I laughed and said "You really think it's that hard to find someone?"

 

Yeah, I remember the friends and co-workers reporting to me what was going on. I had to ask them to stop it as well. I can't say that they had my best interests in mind, or if they just wanted someone to give her a beatdown. I mean, she only told the ENTIRE admin staff that she was seeing my H. Some took umbrage to that. But that's another topic.

 

Its not hard to find someone when everyone is telling you how to find them. Even her boyfriend was telling me of her status. I told him immediately, after the second call to discuss matters, that I didn't feel comfortable speaking with him for many reasons.

 

I handled everything around his EA with quite a bit of restraint. If it had happened earlier in my marriage, especially before the kids, I might not have been so *nice*. There would have been no "stalking" only "seek and destroy". LOL

[Got it]

After dday and he left and she had contacted me I did look up her facebook page a few times. Not sure if it constitutes stalking but was curious about her, what she looked like, etc.