Need an interpreter: any one speak "wife"?

[HowYouDoing]

Conversation goes something like this:

 

me: oh hey, whats this (grocery store) gift card for?

her: ok, well you know how we talked about buying the kids Rock Band for Christmas?

me: yup

her: well, when I was grocery shopping, all i had to do was spend another $15 and we qualified for a Gift Card cuz the bill went over 250 and it was a promotion.

me: oh cool.

her: ya, since I only needed to spend another $15, I saw (Wii game) and bought it for (son). It was 18 bucks and we can give it to him for xmas.

me: cool.

her: ya, and thought we could use the GC for (daughter) Wii game.

me: sure, guess we dont need to buy Rockband anymore eh?

her: what?

her: what are you talking about

me: well, sounds like you just took care of xmas presents and it didnt cost us any money! good job!

her: i dont understand you. why wouldnt we buy ROckband, didnt we just talk about that a few minutes ago?

me: well ya, but now you just explained you already bought the kids a present.

her: you are stressing me out!

me: what? did i miss something?

her: yes, why do you think after we agreed to buy Rockband for the kids that I said we didnt have to now?

me: how many xmas presents are we planning on buying for the kids? is that what I am missing? you want to buy more then one gift?

her: you are stressing me out (and walks away).

 

so she comes back a minute later.

 

me: why did i stress you out? i was just talking to you.

her: of course we are buying the kids more then one present, you were freaking me out because you sounded stupid.

me: well instead of being freaked out, why not just use your words and clarify the discussion?

her: you are stressing me out!

me: i dont understand the stress here. we are simply talking about buying a xmas present, shouldnt this just be a discussion and not a point of contention? i thought we were just talking?

her: stop lawyering me.

me: i give up.

her: good night

me: good night

 

[hoping2heal]

Was this a one off?

 

Apparently she felt upset that you were both, not understanding her and assuming you wouldn't now buy Rockband for the kids just because she got them something else.

 

I'm not sure why she thinks stating again and again "you are stressing me out" instead of explaining what she means is productive to communicating but maybe she was having a hard day? I don't know is this the normal means of her communicating with you? If you don't understand her she clams up and goes on the defensive?

[Feelin Frisky]

Funny thread title. But I'm affraid your post makes you sound a little dense. Maybe I just speak "wife".

[laRubiaBonita]

What would be most interesting is to see how she would recall the conversation, then have it replayed by recording and see just how far off each of you were

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

i agree- it would be interesting to see what she heard.

 

i will ask what has already been asked- Do you only buy 1 gift per child?

[goingstrong]

HYD,

 

Perhaps she should learn to speak dimwit.

Edited December 16, 2010 by goingstrong

[Rose1977]

Fluent Wife Speaker Here.

 

She wanted to get them Rockband as well. She was irritated that you didn't understand she wanted to get them that as well as the Wii games. She thought you weren't listening to her and got irritated b/c we don't like when our men either don't listen or can't read our minds. Now go tell her you understand what she was saying and ask her if she wants you to go to the store with her to pick up the Rockband game. Problem solved.

[Feelin Frisky]

hyd,

 

perhaps she should learn to speak dimwit.

 

Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[HowYouDoing]

HYD,

 

Perhaps she should learn to speak dimwit.

 

Funny thread title. But I'm affraid your post makes you sound a little dense. Maybe I just speak "wife".

 

seriously though, what did you 2 get out of that that i didnt? name calling aside.

[HowYouDoing]

Fluent Wife Speaker Here.

 

She wanted to get them Rockband as well. She was irritated that you didn't understand she wanted to get them that as well as the Wii games. She thought you weren't listening to her and got irritated b/c we don't like when our men either don't listen or can't read our minds. Now go tell her you understand what she was saying and ask her if she wants you to go to the store with her to pick up the Rockband game. Problem solved.

 

thank you .... and yes eventually thats how it played out.

 

however, why would she get stressed out over something so immaterial? i just fail to see why it was worth a rise in blood pressure.

[2sure]

She would like the children to open more than one gift between them on XMas morning. The Rockband is perhaps their big gift? Thats great, but what she was pointing out to you is that for the price of 18.00 she was able to buy another gift for your son and get a certificate to buy another of equal value for your daughter. She did some good shopping and instead of pointing that out to her...you made her reinvent the wheel.

[HowYouDoing]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

i agree- it would be interesting to see what she heard.

 

i will ask what has already been asked- Do you only buy 1 gift per child?

 

we usually buy one primary gift and stockin stuffers. i really dont care, but it was a pretty casual conversation and i didnt see any reason for it to have become stressful.

 

thats why i asked for an interpreter!

[Lauriebell82]

thank you .... and yes eventually thats how it played out.

 

however, why would she get stressed out over something so immaterial? i just fail to see why it was worth a rise in blood pressure.

 

Fluent wife speaker here as well. The key word is immaterial. It is immaterial to YOU not HER. Husbands don't always understand this concept. Mine does the same thing. Consider that just because you think it's not important and shouldn't stress her out, doesn't mean she thinks the same way.

 

Consider something that you would get stressed out about. Now think about how you'd feel if SHE did not take your feelings into consideration and dismissed your comments by saying they were "immaterial."

[2sure]

I think she was "stressed out" because the husband assumed that spending 15.00 on both children together was a reasonable gift so they didnt have to get another.

[Hi.P.O'Crit]

Rockband, one gift for two kids. Your wife probably wanted to get the kids a gift they didn't have to share.

[xxoo]

we usually buy one primary gift and stockin stuffers. i really dont care, but it was a pretty casual conversation and i didnt see any reason for it to have become stressful.

 

thats why i asked for an interpreter!

 

Does this kind of communication break-down happen frequently?

 

Because it can be exasperating to feel misunderstood or unheard on a repeated basis. What might be a small annoyance once in a while can be a "trigger" for major frustration if it happens a lot.

[laRubiaBonita]

thank you .... and yes eventually thats how it played out.

 

however, why would she get stressed out over something so immaterial? i just fail to see why it was worth a rise in blood pressure.

 

maybe she was just already stressed, and you just happened to be the most convenient person to have to get the brunt of it.

[I_am_who_I_am]

Does this kind of communication break-down happen frequently?

 

Because it can be exasperating to feel misunderstood or unheard on a repeated basis. What might be a small annoyance once in a while can be a "trigger" for major frustration if it happens a lot.

 

I can relate to that xxoo. My husband seems like he misunderstands me a lot of the time or he says I mumble.lol..It does get very frustrating. I even think to myself..speak clearly..speak clearly..It just seems that some of the logical and common sense things is not so logical to him..like last night..he asked me if the wreath (that we hang every year outside the front door) should be hung inside or out? In my head, I was saying, seriously! You don't know where it goes! Then I have to think again and I know that it's not that important to him to remember that.lol..marriage can be soo tricky sometimes! lol:D

[HowYouDoing]

i guess i can understand being frustrated over something you feel is important and the other is maybe being casual over.

 

i dont understand why she cant have PERSPECTIVE. why waste energy on frustration when all that is neccesary is moving her mouth and vibrating her vocal chords to make words to explain her self.

 

really, is this really something to get worked up over? we should wish our worst problem in life is miscommunicating about how many gifts to buy.

 

for more specific info, yes if we dont buy Rockband, we basically didnt even have to pay for our kids xmas gifts. so what? are we rockefeller? money is tight, i thought she was telling me she found a way to reduce our xmas expenses. i guess i dont come from the school where if we have 100 to spend and we are able to buy something for 50 instead, that we now have another 50 to spend. we saved money, the kids dont need more things just so we can consume.

 

anyhow, that was not even said nor conveyed, i simply was under the impression she had fulfilled our xmas expense for the kids and all she had to do was say she wanted to also buy rockband so we could discuss that.

 

besides, if i want to not buy Rockband because she already bought the kids video games, why is my opinion stressful to her? thats my point.

[HowYouDoing]

Does this kind of communication break-down happen frequently?

 

Because it can be exasperating to feel misunderstood or unheard on a repeated basis. What might be a small annoyance once in a while can be a "trigger" for major frustration if it happens a lot.

 

yes, my wife often allows the living of life to stress her out. while i appreciate i am her sounding board and i always support her, no i dont understand not making an effort to relax and put things in perspective.

 

we call it "hurricane mommy" because if the world doesnt line up in the order she had imagined, its stressful and she cant see the forest through the trees.

 

i am concerned that one day something truly stressfull (like cancer, car accident, death) will occur and she will break. i mean really, if you cant handle the "stress" of talking to your husband about xmas shopping, are you prepared for life's true depths?

 

my daughter forgot her sandwich in her backup all weekend. my wife lost it on her. seriously? ok, its frustrating i get that, but one day we will remember our 11 year old girls sandwich problem and wish that was what we were dealing with. this isnt something to get your eye balls bulging and heart rate up over, is it?

[xxoo]

besides, if i want to not buy Rockband because she already bought the kids video games, why is my opinion stressful to her? thats my point.

 

Because buying Rockband is important to her, she is looking forward to giving it to them, and she doesn't want to be challenged on the pre-agreed upon gift simply because she picked up some additional major bargain gifts for the kids. Her bargain was intended to be extra, not a replacement, and she probably wouldn't have bought them at all if it meant not buying Rockband.

 

Is there a history of you having a power struggle over spending? Given your last post, it sounds like she was anticipating you objecting to also buying Rockband and responded defensively.

[HowYouDoing]

Because buying Rockband is important to her, she is looking forward to giving it to them, and she doesn't want to be challenged on the pre-agreed upon gift simply because she picked up some additional major bargain gifts for the kids. Her bargain was intended to be extra, not a replacement, and she probably wouldn't have bought them at all if it meant not buying Rockband.

 

Is there a history of you having a power struggle over spending? Given your last post, it sounds like she was anticipating you objecting to also buying Rockband and responded defensively.

 

i see, i am learning a little hear about the nuance of this "wife" language.

 

in "i love my husband and want to enjoy life" language, we would encourage someone who is already anticipating a negative response to articulate their message in such away to avoid conflict instead of being prepared for battle.

 

for example:

 

hey dear, good news! i was able to pick up these two items for almost nothing and thought it would be a great addition to the Rockband we talked about the other day, what do you think? my response would have been, "cool" END OF DISCUSSION, NO STRESS FOR HER.

 

instead of: what a jerk, he cant read my mind, i know he is going to think this is in lieu of the gift we talked about. i am going to set my husband up to piss me off so i have something to bitch about, yeah!

 

this is my point. whether the kids get 1, 2, 5 or no gifts should simply be a point of discussion, not a lightning rod of stress. we make our own choices on how we want our life to be, my wife likes to create stress out of nothing. i guess it makes her feel better? maybe it gives her attention from her friends when she can complain about her husband?

[WonderingWhatIf]

It sounds like there is more going on here than simple miscommunication about the Rockband gift. You sound simply stressed out yourself with any interactions with her. Is the rest of your relationship okay? It just sounds like more may be going on. If so, then you may need some couples counseling. I know that when things build and build.... that the little things start to become magnified and it is misery.

[HowYouDoing]

It sounds like there is more going on here than simple miscommunication about the Rockband gift. You sound simply stressed out yourself with any interactions with her. Is the rest of your relationship okay? It just sounds like more may be going on. If so, then you may need some couples counseling. I know that when things build and build.... that the little things start to become magnified and it is misery.

 

why is counseling a default response? what about personal responsibility to say what you mean and mean what you say?

 

seems like a crutch to me. although i do agree that this is most likely something else manifesting itself as stress over a pretty much normal discussion between two people.

[WonderingWhatIf]

Well, I didn't intend for counseling to be a default response. I just think if there are other underlying problems that are driving both of you to be this frustrated over a conversation, that counseling may be needed.

 

Quite honestly, before I divorced, my husband and had similar interactions. It was to the point that I felt he had nothing but contempt for me. He would be pleasant in his interactions and discussions with other people, but in any conversation with me it was a like a light switched. He was constantly pissed off and frustrated.

[HowYouDoing]

Well, I didn't intend for counseling to be a default response. I just think if there are other underlying problems that are driving both of you to be this frustrated over a conversation, that counseling may be needed.

 

Quite honestly, before I divorced, my husband and had similar interactions. It was to the point that I felt he had nothing but contempt for me. He would be pleasant in his interactions and discussions with other people, but in any conversation with me it was a like a light switched. He was constantly pissed off and frustrated.

 

sounds familiar actually....