Need an interpreter: any one speak "wife"?

[xxoo]

i see, i am learning a little hear about the nuance of this "wife" language.

 

in "i love my husband and want to enjoy life" language, we would encourage someone who is already anticipating a negative response to articulate their message in such away to avoid conflict instead of being prepared for battle.

 

for example:

 

hey dear, good news! i was able to pick up these two items for almost nothing and thought it would be a great addition to the Rockband we talked about the other day, what do you think? my response would have been, "cool" END OF DISCUSSION, NO STRESS FOR HER.

 

I bet, in her mind, that is pretty much exactly what she said. Heck, most of us here (including men) understood that message even reading YOUR transcript, which is based on what you heard/remember--and is probably not exactly what she said.

 

I agree with WII that you seem to be lacking perspective about this little disagreement. There was a misunderstanding, she got annoyed, it got worked out--what is the big deal? It does point to something more going on....

[HowYouDoing]

I bet, in her mind, that is pretty much exactly what she said. Heck, most of us here (including men) understood that message even reading YOUR transcript, which is based on what you heard/remember--and is probably not exactly what she said.

 

I agree with WII that you seem to be lacking perspective about this little disagreement. There was a misunderstanding, she got annoyed, it got worked out--what is the big deal? It does point to something more going on....

 

i didnt understand how this discussion point was stressful enough she needed to take a breather.

 

now in perspective, its her life with me thats stressful, and that was just one more instance where in her brain she realized how unhappy she is.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

i didnt understand how this discussion point was stressful enough she needed to take a breather.

 

now in perspective, its her life with me thats stressful, and that was just one more instance where in her brain she realized how unhappy she is.

 

Sorry but wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy to much is being read into this. What she probably meant by your stressing me out is more along the lines of your pissing me off. If you both agreed to rockband...than its rockband..simple. Just she got a deal at the grocery store..didnt mean she was swapping the $200.00 gift for a $15.00 one..seriously now!

[HowYouDoing]

Sorry but wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy to much is being read into this. What she probably meant by your stressing me out is more along the lines of your pissing me off. If you both agreed to rockband...than its rockband..simple. Just she got a deal at the grocery store..didnt mean she was swapping the $200.00 gift for a $15.00 one..seriously now!

 

fine .

 

but tell me, why make the connection at all then? why not say hey, i got the kids a couple extra gifts? why preface it with the talk about ROckband if they arent even connected?

 

why get pissed off when i misunderstand there is no connection.

 

by the way, you all dont know i havent had full time work in 3 months and money is tight. why wouldnt i think she was being smart and frugal about xmas when she specifically connected the discussion points?

 

no, on reflection, far too many other little things bugging her. so either i am an ogre to live with or she is just fed up with being in a relationship and dealing with a partner.

[NoLongerSad]

HYD, the problem isn't that you didn't understand your wife or more likely, that she decided to buy an extra gift without asking you first.

 

The problem is that your wife is very rude and talks to you like you are her pet dog. And that's being charitable to your wife.

 

If my wife talked to me the way yours did to you, I would have taken all the gifts out of the grocery bags and dumped them in the garbage.

 

IOW she has a similar dismissive, derisive attitude towards you, and towards men in general, that many of the women posting in your thread seem to have. But then that's quite common at Love Shack.

[NoLongerSad]

yes, my wife often allows the living of life to stress her out. while i appreciate i am her sounding board and i always support her, no i dont understand not making an effort to relax and put things in perspective.

 

we call it "hurricane mommy" because if the world doesnt line up in the order she had imagined, its stressful and she cant see the forest through the trees.

 

i am concerned that one day something truly stressfull (like cancer, car accident, death) will occur and she will break. i mean really, if you cant handle the "stress" of talking to your husband about xmas shopping, are you prepared for life's true depths?

 

my daughter forgot her sandwich in her backup all weekend. my wife lost it on her. seriously? ok, its frustrating i get that, but one day we will remember our 11 year old girls sandwich problem and wish that was what we were dealing with. this isnt something to get your eye balls bulging and heart rate up over, is it?

 

HYD, from this description, either your wife is suffering from some kind of personality disorder, or more likely, she's just a spoiled, insufferable b*tch.

[allina]

 

The problem is that your wife is very rude and talks to you like you are her pet dog.

 

What are you talking about?? He talked to her like she was a small child with a learning disability!

 

why not just use your words and clarify the discussion?

:

 

I would be so annoyed if my husband spoke to me in this way

 

Also, there is so special "wife" language, women/wives aren't a different species, there is no secret language. Sorry but your approach is a bit obnoxious in my opinion.

 

Your wife however didn't do much better. I don't think stating "I'm stressed" and storming out is a good way to communicate either. I'm curious why you and your wife weren't on the same page regarding how much to spend and how many gifts to buy for each child. Is there a break down of communication in the marriage? The issue alone seems simple, wife tells you she got a great deal on on of the gifts for the kids, you say great, and that's it. I feel like there might be some underlying tension here.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

fine .

 

but tell me, why make the connection at all then? why not say hey, i got the kids a couple extra gifts? why preface it with the talk about ROckband if they arent even connected?

 

why get pissed off when i misunderstand there is no connection.

 

by the way, you all dont know i havent had full time work in 3 months and money is tight. why wouldnt i think she was being smart and frugal about xmas when she specifically connected the discussion points?

 

no, on reflection, far too many other little things bugging her. so either i am an ogre to live with or she is just fed up with being in a relationship and dealing with a partner.

 

What connection was there to make? It was rockband to begin with. She got a deal and jumped on it..I wouldve done the same...but the only difference is I wouldnt even bother going into an explanation over $15.00.

 

But now that you cleared up the no job in 3 months...no wonder shes bitchy! I would be too! LOL Sorry but thats me. What have you been doing these last 3months to get her this pissed? I mean tough times happen..and we lose our jobs..but have you been "Man"ing up on the homefront? Because if you arent I can see resentment building on her part!

[PortuguesePrincess80]

HYD, from this description, either your wife is suffering from some kind of personality disorder, or more likely, she's just a spoiled, insufferable b*tch.

 

Seriously...all this because of a $ 15.00 gift?? WOW I know this is a forum..BUT did you read the part that his ass has been at home for 3 months..and SHE'S doing the grocery shopping???

[controlledchaos]

i read the whole thread, and then reread the first post. as a woman, and a wife, i have to say that i read it as-- you two had been talking about getting the rock band game. BUT, she got thiswii game and then a gift card out of the shopping trip and therefore could get your other child a wii game. and to me, it was instead of rock band. you asked what the card was for. she brought up talking of the rock band, and instead of saying "well, i thought we could get them each a wii game TOO" she made it seem like she was going with INSTEAD. that's how i read it at least.

 

and knowing you're out of work, and money is tight, i would have concluded that she was trying to tell you she was going to save money in the beginning as well. but mind you, i have been told by my H for 10 yrs that i don't make sense, i'm hard to understand, i'm not smart enough to understand what he's saying, etc......

 

i know stressed out wives and mothers. i know women that are so frazzled with life it's just crazy! communication between women and men is tricky if you aren't both verifying what the other is saying. and if she couldn't get beyond, " you're stressing me out," how would you know?

 

the rest of the conversation probably could have been avoided or shortened by either of you. by simply stating YOUR view of things. she wanted to get them both gifts and probably assumed you'd say no. instead of just stating that she became flustered and stressed. and you could have just asked if that's what she is trying to say. instead of making her run circles, which you said she's prone to do when she's stressed.......

 

don't let contempt seep into your marriage. it's nasty and once it's there it's very hard to get it out.

 

good luck!

[xxoo]

fine .

 

but tell me, why make the connection at all then? why not say hey, i got the kids a couple extra gifts? why preface it with the talk about ROckband if they arent even connected?

 

why get pissed off when i misunderstand there is no connection.

 

Because she told you there is no connection. She told you, and you continued to press the "no Rockband" angle. Take a look:

 

Conversation goes something like this:

 

me: oh hey, whats this (grocery store) gift card for?

her: ok, well you know how we talked about buying the kids Rock Band for Christmas?

me: yup

her: well, when I was grocery shopping, all i had to do was spend another $15 and we qualified for a Gift Card cuz the bill went over 250 and it was a promotion.

me: oh cool.

her: ya, since I only needed to spend another $15, I saw (Wii game) and bought it for (son). It was 18 bucks and we can give it to him for xmas.

me: cool.

her: ya, and thought we could use the GC for (daughter) Wii game.

me: sure, guess we dont need to buy Rockband anymore eh? (you first indicate the misunderstanding)

her: what?

her: what are you talking about (she is sincerely confused, didn't realize you weren't following her line of thought)

me: well, sounds like you just took care of xmas presents and it didnt cost us any money! good job! (you clarify your understanding)

her: i dont understand you. why wouldnt we buy ROckband, didnt we just talk about that a few minutes ago? (she clarifies that is not what she meant--still intends to give RB)

me: well ya, but now you just explained you already bought the kids a present. (RIGHT HERE is where you press the issue. She just said she wants to give RB too. It sounds like you are saying RB is out because she bought those gifts).

her: you are stressing me out! (and now she's annoyed)

 

I get that money is tight. Been there. But we are talking about a difference of $18 additional spent. Is money that tight? Fair enough if it is, but does she know that?

 

If you can't afford the Rockband, why did you (the both of you) decide to give it in the first place?

[make me believe]

Wow. When you said "I guess we don't need to buy Rockband anymore," your wife could have very easily said something like "well these games were such a good deal that I thought we could give them to the kids in addition to Rockband." Instead, for some reason she refused to clarify and just kept saying that you were stressing her out. That is really ridiculous. And telling you that you "sound stupid" because of a simple misunderstanding (which could have EASILY been cleared up by her) is totally unacceptable.

[HowYouDoing]

Seriously...all this because of a $ 15.00 gift?? WOW I know this is a forum..BUT did you read the part that his ass has been at home for 3 months..and SHE'S doing the grocery shopping???

 

lol, i wrote it and i think i missed that part too! where did i say i have been on my ass at home while she does the grocery shopping.

[HowYouDoing]

thanks to everyone for their constructive (in most cases) comments. lots of different point of view to reflect on.

[hoping2heal]

Wow. When you said "I guess we don't need to buy Rockband anymore," your wife could have very easily said something like "well these games were such a good deal that I thought we could give them to the kids in addition to Rockband." Instead, for some reason she refused to clarify and just kept saying that you were stressing her out. That is really ridiculous. And telling you that you "sound stupid" because of a simple misunderstanding (which could have EASILY been cleared up by her) is totally unacceptable.

 

Right?? I thought to myself "Um, does anyone speak annoying? Because that is her language in this specific conversation" I too could not for the life of me understand why she wasn't quick to simply clarify instead of stating again and again he was stressing her out. Maybe it's just the Holidays.

[HowYouDoing]

Because she told you there is no connection. She told you, and you continued to press the "no Rockband" angle. Take a look:

 

 

 

I get that money is tight. Been there. But we are talking about a difference of $18 additional spent. Is money that tight? Fair enough if it is, but does she know that?

 

If you can't afford the Rockband, why did you (the both of you) decide to give it in the first place?

 

i didnt read it the same way at the trigger point you noted. but i can see why that could be interpreted wrongly.

 

still dont understand why someone would spend energy on stress over such a mundane discussion.

 

that said, originally i had suggested we rent Rock Band for xmas eve and night as the cousins were coming over and it would be fun to do. she asked how much different in cost it would be to just buy instead of rent and thats when we agreed that if it was close in cost, it would make a good xmas present.

 

so, i dont think it was a leap in logic that she was heading down the road of telling me that since she was able to take care of kids gifts so effectively, to keep that in mind when researching the cost of renting.

 

but whatever, misunderstandings are regular parts of human interaction, why let it interfere with enjoying the 80 years or so we have on the planet by being stressed out?

 

like i said, we are blessed people if while under going a period of financial uncertanty, our worst issue is Rockband or no Rockband. Wish she could see that forest through the tree's and enjoy the journey.

 

for example, when i come accross small incidental frustrations (such as the poster who has no idea why i am not working, yet called me out as if i should be ashamed), i just say, hey, whatever and who cares, that post on an internet message board is nothing in my life, let it go. and its gone and i went and watched my son play the best hockey game of his life and never thought twice about it. my wife, cant even hold it in, she has to make a point to make a point. as in above, its very disruptive if i think about it.

 

wouldnt marriage be easier if we focused on enjoying it?

Edited December 17, 2010 by HowYouDoing

[goingstrong]

 

still dont understand why someone would spend energy on stress over such a mundane discussion.

 

You're kidding right? You're the one that is writing about this all day and at 2AM ad nauseam.

 

Look, I make smarta** comments on occasions, with this being no exception, but on a serious note, the fact that you're so adamant about being right indicates a lot about your own communication skills. You cannot change another person, you can only change yourself, which may or may not get them to change the way they react to you.

 

Throw her a curveball in the next debate like this and don't react the way you normally do and see how it works out.

[dreamingoftigers]

i didnt read it the same way at the trigger point you noted. but i can see why that could be interpreted wrongly.

 

still dont understand why someone would spend energy on stress over such a mundane discussion.

 

that said, originally i had suggested we rent Rock Band for xmas eve and night as the cousins were coming over and it would be fun to do. she asked how much different in cost it would be to just buy instead of rent and thats when we agreed that if it was close in cost, it would make a good xmas present.

 

so, i dont think it was a leap in logic that she was heading down the road of telling me that since she was able to take care of kids gifts so effectively, to keep that in mind when researching the cost of renting.

 

but whatever, misunderstandings are regular parts of human interaction, why let it interfere with enjoying the 80 years or so we have on the planet by being stressed out?

 

like i said, we are blessed people if while under going a period of financial uncertanty, our worst issue is Rockband or no Rockband. Wish she could see that forest through the tree's and enjoy the journey.

 

for example, when i come accross small incidental frustrations (such as the poster who has no idea why i am not working, yet called me out as if i should be ashamed), i just say, hey, whatever and who cares, that post on an internet message board is nothing in my life, let it go. and its gone and i went and watched my son play the best hockey game of his life and never thought twice about it. my wife, cant even hold it in, she has to make a point to make a point. as in above, its very disruptive if i think about it.

 

wouldnt marriage be easier if we focused on enjoying it?

 

Hey there HYD, please read my comments with a softer lens then they may come through. I hear my husband in your words, the tone, the reasoning and my reactions with stress etc.

 

For months now, until Saturday I tried to reach some difficult to reach standard where he would be pleased with me. You may not even realize that you set this standard but in your other writings since the OP I can see that you have. Mentioning, "wouldn't it be simpler if" "why couldn't she just" "immaterial" "mundane." I know those types of attitudes very, very well.

 

This woman told you that she was being stressed out. That should signal something to you, that should make you ask her, "Why are you stressed out?" or "Something about the presents is stressing you out?" Then you could have gotten to the bottom of it.

 

I am not saying that you have to be the perfect one here, but she is trying to be and feeling like a failure and all of the emotional pressure is coming out in wonky ways. She is probably trying to please her family and reach a hard to reach standard in that way too.

 

Here's the process:

 

For years this woman has xyz feeling

You say something along the lines of: "Why the Hell do you have xyz feeling about blah? We are just talking about blah and it isn't that important."

 

Do you see what happened there? You just told her the thing she has the strong feeling about "isn't that important" therefore invalidating her feeling. (It's a little hard to grasp onto if you don't speak the language. You are actually trying to tell her the whatever the issue is, is not a big deal when to her, trying to meet that difficult standard is a big deal, and you let her know that her feeling on it simply doesn't count).

 

When you feel like you try your heart out and you still disappoint your husband and family, you get crushing stress and in women it comes out as a snapping over-reaction and rage.

 

I would yell at the dog. I would make angry, frustrated faces or go into a cloud of depression, I would storm out of rooms, sometimes I would yell at him, I did yell at our 18 month old, that felt awful. All because I felt that my spouse felt that I was inadequate. I felt llike an inadequate Mom when he would critique my every move. I am willing to bet that when your wife tells you that she is stressed, frustrated or sad, especially over something that you are discussing with her, you feel that same stress and inadequacy.

 

An amazing turnaround happened for me in the last week when I started looking up Divorce Busting. I actually talked to one of the coaches and she taught me reflective listening (among other things). It has helped tremendously and it has only been 4 days! I can't believe how much better our relationship feels. I also decided that I am not going to change for him, I will make changes that will make me happier. If I am happier, our relationship will be happier.

 

If seems like your communication issues are huge. If you guys can't discuss Christmas presents, you are in trouble. You really don't seem to want to understand why your wife had such strong feelings about this (immature action on her part or not, you are the one coming here for help). You seem to be more interested in acting like her being so emotional about this was just crazy, granted at least you came on here to try to understand it. (I am guessing you feel that same frustrating standard to try to meet. I would totally check out divorce busters if I were you (not saying you are getting a divorce but they have a ton of communication tips there that could really, really help.

[xxoo]

Here's the process:

 

For years this woman has xyz feeling

You say something along the lines of: "Why the Hell do you have xyz feeling about blah? We are just talking about blah and it isn't that important."

 

Do you see what happened there? You just told her the thing she has the strong feeling about "isn't that important" therefore invalidating her feeling.

 

Big agree!

 

She is telling you that it is important to her. Holidays are emotional for a lot of people; she isn't alone in having strong emotions about Christmas gifts for the kids.

 

You don't have to share her feelings in order to accept and acknowledge them.

 

If you label her concerns as mundane or unimportant, she is going to get MORE upset. You say she has a habit of getting really worked up about small things. That could be a product of the communication dynamic between the two of you--her telling you how she feels, and you dismissing her concerns. Maybe she's learned she HAS to get super worked up in order for you to listen to her. It may well be that she has anxiety issues or is a shrew by nature, but the dynamic is almost certainly feeding her response.

[zengirl]

She was stressed by the idea of not giving the kids Rock Band because she'd already counted on it and would regret not doing so, and she felt you were pressuring her -- when she was just trying to make Christmas a bit special by getting them individual gifts, too.

 

She might also resent you being the one to throw the money troubles in her face, going back on the idea of purchasing Rock Band (already agreed upon) if she is the one currently supporting the family and it has been approved already.

 

Christmas can be stressful for parents. I know it was always important to my mother that Christmas be really special to me, even when money was tight. She would sacrifice for it, many years. Sometimes, parents feel like that----not all of them, but some of them. I would feel the same with my kids. I imagine I'd give up tons of things for myself to make Christmas as special as possible for my kids. One big gift to share, and one regular gift for each (gotten cheaply), doesn't really sound like going overboard to me. And it sounds like the person who's making the money has found a way to sort through how to afford it.

 

She didn't want to deal with re-convincing you -- when you'd already agreed -- on top of everything else.

[NoLongerSad]

Love Shack advisors, of all stripes,

 

please re-read all of HYD's posts.

 

This is not simply because of the video game issue.

 

HYD's wife is known as "hurricane mama."

 

Didn't you all read that?

[controlledchaos]

i have to agree with a lot of what dreamingofigers said. men and women do not communicate the same way at all, and therefore often a lot of it goes unvalidated. most women are simply looking for validation of their feelings.

 

you most certainly do not need to AGREE with her feelings, but simply stating that you HEAR she is stressed and you understand she is feeling this way can make a world of difference. i know that the last couple of years of my marriage i would tell my H that all i was looking for was validation of my feelings. he didn't need to understand them or agree with them at all. but he needed to validate that they were MY feelings. telling me i was wrong or stupid to feel a certain way about something just made things worse.

 

assuming you're not an abusive man ( in any way) validating your wife could be a helpful tool. again, it's not having to agree with her or even understanding WHY she feels this way. it's giving her the right to feel the way she feels about something and respecting that. yup respecting her feeling stressed out. even if it makes absolutely NO SENSE to you what so ever. once you've shown her you validate her and respect her feelings, maybe she'll be better able to communicate with you on things like that. things that are stressful.

 

good luck!

[goingstrong]

what is a "hurricane mama"?

[zengirl]

Love Shack advisors, of all stripes,

 

please re-read all of HYD's posts.

 

This is not simply because of the video game issue.

 

HYD's wife is known as "hurricane mama."

 

Didn't you all read that?

 

Eh, he added that long after, and it was unclear where it really comes from, so I didn't see how to address it. It's clear that he and she have widely different perceptions of what is happening, so I suspect his perception is not precisely the truth (nor is hers). They both need to find a better way to communicate, but he is here asking for translation. If he truly wants to communicate better, good for him.

[dreamingoftigers]

Love Shack advisors, of all stripes,

 

please re-read all of HYD's posts.

 

This is not simply because of the video game issue.

 

HYD's wife is known as "hurricane mama."

 

Didn't you all read that?

 

Hurricane Mama's are not created and sustained in a vacuum. Some of that wind and rain comes from the dynamic that she is in. We don't get hurricanes here on the prairies.