The Ultimate Denial of a WS

[anne1707]

Their marriage is their reality, but they have the AP in their mind 24/7, they are physically at home and mentally elsewhere.

 

 

I know that OW/OM don't want to hear this but I can promise you that the WS is not neccessarily thinking about them 24/7. I know I didn't when I had my affair. There were times in fact when I was with the ex-OM that I couldn't wait to get away to be with my H.

[jthorne]

Maybe your affair was about being caught up in fantasy but that doesnt mean all affairs are about being caught up in fantasy. I know mine was not a fantasy and I know many others are not fantasies. Tell that to the people who are now married to the MM that they had an A with.

 

I think you are rewriting history. If he had left and you had lived happily ever after it would not have been a fantasy would it?

 

Only you know what happened in your situation but this sounds a lot more like a rationalization to me.

Then why do you continue to write about/defend your A that ended long ago as if it were? Most of your posts as of late could be mistaken as written by a current OW, not one whose A ended years ago.

 

Nevertheless, I think the point that's being made here and missed, is of the A dynamic. There are stolen moments, so everyone is on best behavior. No griping about work or the kiddie's diarrhea. It's perpetual dating. I don't know if you've ever been married before, but M's aren't like that. Sure, there's romance, but there's also a mortgage and college funds.

 

Most AP's cannot successfully transition from the fantasy to the reality. Some do, most don't.

[East7]

I know that OW/OM don't want to hear this but I can promise you that the WS is not neccessarily thinking about them 24/7. I know I didn't when I had my affair.

 

Not necessarily but very often.

 

There were times in fact when I was with the ex-OM that I couldn't wait to get away to be with my H.

 

 

Although I respect your feelings, I don't think OM put a gun in your head to force you to stay with him.

If you were so eager to go back to your H why were you having an A ?

[anne1707]

Not necessarily but very often.

 

I think maybe less often than the OW/Om want to believe

 

 

Although I respect your feelings, I don't think OM put a gun in your head to force you to stay with him.

If you were so eager to go back to your H why were you having an A ?

 

I am not saying I did not have feelings for the ex-OM. As far as I was concerened, my feelings for him were very strong and real. However as the affair progressed, I became more aware of his faults or behaviours that I found irritating. If it had been a non-affair relationship, I would have discovered these far sooner because we would have spent far more time together. However because it was "snatched moments" (even if over 3 years), it was in the last few months of the affair that I began to find myself at times irritated by him and wondering "what am I doing with him, my H is so much better". However I do realise that in fairness to the ex-OM, some of these behaviours were as a result of frustrations he had about the affair because I had not left my H inspite of repeated requests. The ex-OM was becoming quite needy and also erratic with his emotions (eg crying in public places) which was difficulty to handle

[East7]

I am not saying I did not have feelings for the ex-OM. As far as I was concerened, my feelings for him were very strong and real. However as the affair progressed, I became more aware of his faults or behaviours that I found irritating. If it had been a non-affair relationship, I would have discovered these far sooner because we would have spent far more time together. However because it was "snatched moments" (even if over 3 years), it was in the last few months of the affair that I began to find myself at times irritated by him and wondering "what am I doing with him, my H is so much better".

 

As I said in another post, in a triangle relationship getting closer with one partner will tarnish your opinion/image of the other partner. You were probably getting closer to your H so you started to focus on your OM's flaws like I bet you focused on your H's flaws when you were more into OM.

 

You are a perfect illustration of my thread. thanks

 

However I do realise that in fairness to the ex-OM, some of these behaviours were as a result of frustrations he had about the affair because I had not left my H inspite of repeated requests. The ex-OM was becoming quite needy and also erratic with his emotions (eg crying in public places) which was difficulty to handle

 

How did he dare to ask you to be with him after 3 years ? OMG such a clingy, needy guy

 

Would you be irritated if your husband cried and asked you to leave OM (if he knew). ?

[jj33]

Then why do you continue to write about/defend your A that ended long ago as if it were? Most of your posts as of late could be mistaken as written by a current OW, not one whose A ended years ago.

 

I used my A as an example because it is representative of many As. I have no need to defend my actions.

 

Nevertheless, I think the point that's being made here and missed, is of the A dynamic. There are stolen moments, so everyone is on best behavior. No griping about work or the kiddie's diarrhea. It's perpetual dating. I don't know if you've ever been married before, but M's aren't like that. Sure, there's romance, but there's also a mortgage and college funds.

 

Not all As are like that. People are painting with a broad brush which is why I responded as I did. In many As the moments are "stolen" to the extent that they are stolen from the spouse but they are not stolen in the sense of a few hours here or there. And some As involve shared responsibilities and include things that are mundane like paying bills, illness etc and are not romantic.

 

Most AP's cannot successfully transition from the fantasy to the reality. Some do, most don't.

 

And some marriages cant transition from unmarried to married. That is why there is a 50% divorce rate

 

You are generalizing.

[jj33]

I agree that open communication is really the key and to me open communication involves seeing shades of grey in a relatoinship.

[anne1707]

As I said in another post, in a triangle relationship getting closer with one partner will tarnish your opinion/image of the other partner. You were probably getting closer to your H so you started to focus on your OM's flaws like I bet you focused on your H's flaws when you were more into OM.

 

I disagree. It was not about becoming closer to my H. I had never moved away from my H in that sense and I had also never tried to tarnish my opinion of him and our marriage. I also NEVER said anything critical about him to the ex-OM.

 

 

You are a perfect illustration of my thread. thanks

 

Again I disagree. I have never tried to play down how I felt about the ex-OM. All I have said is that over time I got to know him better and found that he had traits that in a long-term relationship would have meant that he and I would not work. I think that can apply to any relationship, affair or not. It just took longer to find out because the nature of the affair meant that we did not spend as much time together as we would have done if it had been a non-affair relationship.

 

 

 

How did he dare to ask you to be with him after 3 years ? OMG such a clingy, needy guy

 

 

And if you go back and read my post, I did say "in fairness to the ex-OM" i.e. I could understand his frustrations. But that did not make it easy to deal with.

 

 

Would you be irritated if your husband cried and asked you to leave OM (if he knew). ?

 

My H shed his share of tears but he did so with dignity. He did not sit in a crowded pub making a scene with everybody in the place watching us. Anyway, I did not find the crying irritating so much - it was very difficult to handle though.

 

A lot of the ex-OM's irritating behaviours were nothing to do with our relationship but were just his traits/habits which in time I saw more of or got fed up of.

[jj33]

All these posts about the idea that an A is pure fantasy are IMHO the words of people who are very scared and have to believe that a spouse's feelings for or time spent with anyone else couldnt possibly be real.

 

If that is how you need to see it (to those that posted from that perspective) then thats what works for you and I respect that.

 

Ive never been a betrayed spouse and so I cant say how I would react in that position.

 

And as for the fOW/fOM some of you may really look back and say what was I thinking or I should have realized it was not real. But others if they look deeper may find that they are rationalizing their pasts in a way that they can live with. And that is OK too if that works for you.

 

But what is not true is the idea that all As are based on a fantasy. They are no more based on a fantasy than any other relationship. And no JThorne I am not currently an OW but I would hate for anyone lurking out there too afraid to post because of the bashing that goes on here to see those positions go unchallenged.

 

I have nothing more to add at this point. Y'all can keep spinning what makes you feel safe.

[jthorne]

All these posts about the idea that an A is pure fantasy are IMHO the words of people who are very scared and have to believe that a spouse's feelings for or time spent with anyone else couldnt possibly be real.

 

If that is how you need to see it (to those that posted from that perspective) then thats what works for you and I respect that.

 

Ive never been a betrayed spouse and so I cant say how I would react in that position.

 

And as for the fOW/fOM some of you may really look back and say what was I thinking or I should have realized it was not real. But others if they look deeper may find that they are rationalizing their pasts in a way that they can live with. And that is OK too if that works for you.

 

But what is not true is the idea that all As are based on a fantasy. They are no more based on a fantasy than any other relationship. And no JThorne I am not currently an OW but I would hate for anyone lurking out there too afraid to post because of the bashing that goes on here to see those positions go unchallenged.

 

I have nothing more to add at this point. Y'all can keep spinning what makes you feel safe.

I hope you will take some time to think about what YOU are rationalizing.

[BeachBetty]

JJ couldn't agree more with your post!

 

A's are ONLY stolen moments?! Really?! Many MP's spend more time with their AP's than they do their spouses...

 

I have never done stolen moments and never will. There are many A's where partners spend days, nights and vacations together and it is the spouse who gets the leftovers. I think the amount of generalizing that has gone on here is rather amazing.

 

I think it is out of fear that people keep telling themselves the same thing over and over as if maybe if they say it enough times it will eventually come true.

 

R's are real. Whether you want to accept that MP have R's with people other than their spouse and even fall in love with them or that it was an A fog is an individual decision made when reality doesn't want to be accepted.

 

I think the similarities between BS and OP's experiences are many. BS's talk about affair fog and the marital rewrite and it's pretty clear from what is written here that AP's do an affair rewrite when it doesn't turn out they way they wanted (expected) it to.

[BeachBetty]

I hope you will take some time to think about what YOU are rationalizing.

 

It is pretty clear that JJ has processed her experience and can not only learn from it but also accept the past and go forward in the present without fear or guilt.

 

Just because you don't agree with her doesn't mean she hasn't figured her truth out or the truth in the world.

 

I hope that you will take some time to think about what she has said and figure out why you are so threatened by it.

[woinlove]

All these posts about the idea that an A is pure fantasy are IMHO the words of people who are very scared and have to believe that a spouse's feelings for or time spent with anyone else couldnt possibly be real.

 

If that is how you need to see it (to those that posted from that perspective) then thats what works for you and I respect that.

 

Ive never been a betrayed spouse and so I cant say how I would react in that position.

 

And as for the fOW/fOM some of you may really look back and say what was I thinking or I should have realized it was not real. But others if they look deeper may find that they are rationalizing their pasts in a way that they can live with. And that is OK too if that works for you.

 

But what is not true is the idea that all As are based on a fantasy. They are no more based on a fantasy than any other relationship. And no JThorne I am not currently an OW but I would hate for anyone lurking out there too afraid to post because of the bashing that goes on here to see those positions go unchallenged.

 

I have nothing more to add at this point. Y'all can keep spinning what makes you feel safe.

 

Why the need to attribute negative emotions to others who post with different views than your own? And why the need to make categorical statements which may not apply to others? Ironically, you say you like to think in grey, yet you see black and white where there is none and your statements do not seem so grey themselves. Maybe something for you to think about there.

 

Personally, I found it much easier to maintain a fantasy in an affair than I did in open relationships which were not LDR, so your bolded statement does not describe my own experience.

[MorningCoffee]

I like this saying:

 

The affair is AP's reality and MP's fantasy.

 

The single APs invest 100% into the A, often they don't have parallel relationships. The MW/MM is their reality.

 

On the other side, MPs live in a different world: their marriage is their reality, they wake up with their spouse, go to work, come back home and have dinner, play with kids or whatever then go to bed with the BS. Their marriage is their reality, but they have the AP in their mind 24/7, they are physically at home and mentally elsewhere. Thus the affair is their fantasy even if the stolen moments spent with the AP are real. It is called havig a double life.

 

I have been in a long distance A so the fantasy factor was even bigger. My xMW had an amazing imagination, she was able to fantasize me and her in a kind of dreamland, hand in hands, grow old together kind of things while spending her real life with another man. For me she was my daily reality, I would wait for the telephone call, skype and our endless talking, make up plans to meet etc.

 

To come back to the topic, the denial is easier for the WS because they will justify it with the fact that it was just "fantasy".

 

The bolded seems true to my experience as a sOM to a MW. When we had to stop seeing each other after D-Day, I had nothing to distract me from my feelings of loss, whereas she had her home, H, friends and family. All a longstanding framework that, while H and their M were shaken up by the A, still was there every day. Meanwhile, I flailed around. So, the bolded part rings true to me.

[jthorne]

It is pretty clear that JJ has processed her experience and can not only learn from it but also accept the past and go forward in the present without fear or guilt.

 

Just because you don't agree with her doesn't mean she hasn't figured her truth out or the truth in the world.

 

I hope that you will take some time to think about what she has said and figure out why you are so threatened by it.

The only thing that threatens me is Tony giving me infractions. But I appreciate your feedback.

[fooled once]

Why can't people have differing opinions without all the drama and "rationalizing" and declaring the different view is wrong???

 

Maybe your affair was about being caught up in fantasy but that doesnt mean all affairs are about being caught up in fantasy. I know mine was not a fantasy and I know many others are not fantasies. Tell that to the people who are now married to the MM that they had an A with.

 

I think you are rewriting history. If he had left and you had lived happily ever after it would not have been a fantasy would it?

 

Only you know what happened in your situation but this sounds a lot more like a rationalization to me.

 

I have no need to rewrite history with the A I was in. What I had in the affair was light years away from what I experience in my marriage. The emotions, the relationship, the entire foundation is different. In fact, the Affair was totally different than my first marriage too.

 

Many affairs ARE stolen moments - and I personally don't know of a single Married Person who was having an affair who spent more time with the Affair Partner on a daily basis than with the spouse. IF the cheater is doing that, why stay married? WHY keep going back to the spouse???

 

If one is going to have a very long, fulfilling marriage, I don't think it can be built on fantasy. At least that wouldn't work for me.

 

However, one can certainly start out in a fantasy R with someone and develop into something much more. My own M first started as a LDR which I think had a lot of fantasy. I see our R and M as an evolution where the feelings continually deepened, we got to know the real us better and better, and shared more and more of our lives. However, if our R had ended during that LDR stage, I would have said our R was fantasy. Fantasy in R's is not restricted to A's. It involves at least one person only showing and sharing part of themselves. Usually this is only a short period in a new R, but in a LDR or in an A it can stretch into a very long period.

 

When a MM/MW leaves the M for the AP sometimes the reality doesn't match the fantasy, and sometimes maybe it never was a fantasy or maybe it was but it deepens into something more. If it wasn't a fantasy, then I think the MM/MW wasn't married in the sense most of us would think of as M. Legally, perhaps, but not in mind and spirit.

 

I agree with your last paragraph. Because many Affairs are based in secrecy, hiding and in hours here and there (and I don't count the "countless hours texting" as truly being a part of the relationship. That is a cop out in MY view. I spent hours texting with a girlfriend, but we aren't having an affair).

 

When people marry, it is usually after spent months dating and getting to know the person. Interacting with them, their family, co-workers, etc. It is the courting and getting to know someone; which in my experience and with the friends I know who have been in affairs, this is not what happens in affairs. There are time constraints, many times only allowed to communicate Monday through Friday from 8 am until 5 pm. There isn't a lot of spontaneity. The affair is being hidden from 1 or 2 spouses. There isn't the "hey, it's Friday night, lets go away for the weekend" kind of thing.

 

 

Many relationships affairs or otherwise start out with an idealization of the other person or the way the future will unfold. That is not a special feature of a affair.

 

**I agree.

 

But are you saying all Rs that dont end in marriage are fantasies?

 

Or that if a spouse is absent in spirit or mind are in a fantasy marriage?

 

Wow. If so then many many peopel are in fantasy marriages. There are so many many marriages where people dont cheat but they are not present mentally and spritually and not committed mentally or spiritually. They are maintaining the status quo .They escape with golf, with sports, with work with computers, by drinking.

 

Many spouses have passively checked out of their marriages but dont cheat. I think the difference HAS to be did they actually have a relationshp with another person otherwise many many marriages are fantasies by your definition.

 

We will obviously have to agree to disagree. Its interesting that you dont give any credence to the shades of grey that from my perspective, exist in relationships whether they are Rs between single people, marriages or affairs.

 

To me relationships are much more subtle and complex than that I dont see the world in such black and white terms. I think that mentality is sometimes what causes problems in marriages and also leads to scenarios where one spouse does cheat and the other spouse has no idea and claims the marriage was very happy. In both cases (I am not saying they are necessarily interelated) the person who fails to see shades of grey or the nuances, misses the signs and signals that they are getting from their spouses because they see everything in black and white.

 

Unless you are IN the marriage, it is hard to generalize that many people who aren't present are in marriages are in fantasy relationships. My dad was in the military for 30 years. He wasn't home 9 months a year. But my parents marriage is very alive and very happy after 48 years. Things were TOUGH, but because of the commitment they made, because of the love they share, they stayed true to each other. Back in the days when my dad was gone, there was no internet, no online chatting, no webcams to stay in touch. There were letters that took 3-4 WEEKS to arrive, there was tape recordings we did to "talk" to my dad, and my mom would mail it to him. There was no communication from him outside of these letters - no phone calls, etc. Yet, because of the FOUNDATION they built, they were able to get through those times/years.

 

And for those marriages where people travel for their jobs - where they are gone 3 weeks a month. Sure, there are people who cheat. But there are many more IMHO who don't. There are those who stay true to their commitment/their promise. If they find out that that lifestyle isn't working, they communicate it and either work to fix things or part ways. I firmly believe cheating is done these days way more than years ago. It seems like it isn't hard to find someone who is a cheater I find that sad. I find it selfish. I am not saying people MUST stay married for life, but you should stay faithful for as long as you are married and if that doesn't work - then divorce before involving a 3rd person in the marriage. It isn't fair to that 3rd person who then gets attached (and I believe that happens more times than it doesn't). That 3rd person gets hurt too by the betrayal of the cheater who probably made promises to leave and of course, probably didn't.

 

Many ongoing affairs involve the AP leading a double life - one life with their spouse and family and another with their AP. If the MM/MW is sharing all of themselves and their life with the AP there really isn't much left over for the BS and/or family, is there? That's what I meant by not being married in mind and spirit. In an open M, this can happen by bringing a third person in and really sharing one's life, but then it is not a secret from the spouse and there is no BS.

 

As for your idea that my "mentality" may lead to cheating -- in my experience, it is communication, communication, communication, which I think helps spouses stay faithful and on the same track. Some people will cheat no matter what or with whom, but for others, I think open communication is really key. It certainly has been in my own M.

 

I agree woe, especially with the COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION.

 

I am not saying I did not have feelings for the ex-OM. As far as I was concerened, my feelings for him were very strong and real. However as the affair progressed, I became more aware of his faults or behaviours that I found irritating. If it had been a non-affair relationship, I would have discovered these far sooner because we would have spent far more time together. However because it was "snatched moments" (even if over 3 years), it was in the last few months of the affair that I began to find myself at times irritated by him and wondering "what am I doing with him,

 

I agree Anne. I too finally realized I would not accept less than I deserved and I was done being a 'secret' and waiting. I was done with the empty promises, the flowery words when the action didn't match those words. I wasn't even married and knew I was not cut out to being 2nd, no matter how many times he told me his marriage was over and he was leaving. Baloney. People who are unhappy fix that - through counseling, separation or divorce. They don't continue to live that life. I know for ME, there was no way I was going to invest MORE time and spent MORE holidays without the person who claimed to love me more than anything

 

And some marriages cant transition from unmarried to married. That is why there is a 50% divorce rate

 

You are generalizing.

 

I disagree. I don't think that is why the divorce rate is so high I think people are fickle, I think people are self centered and I think people bolt and run when things get tough. I also think people jump too quickly into marriage thinking it was going to be this totally romantic, flowery, sprinkles and rainbows relationship. Marriage is HARD work. There are arguments, there are disagreements, there are irritating habits, there are differences in parenting, work ethic, etc. Stress is a huge buzz kill - stress of kids, bills, etc. But I think each relationship is only as strong as the people involved.

[steelknife]

I like this saying:

 

The affair is AP's reality and MP's fantasy.

 

The single APs invest 100% into the A, often they don't have parallel relationships. The MW/MM is their reality.

 

On the other side, MPs live in a different world: their marriage is their reality, they wake up with their spouse, go to work, come back home and have dinner, play with kids or whatever then go to bed with the BS. Their marriage is their reality, but they have the AP in their mind 24/7, they are physically at home and mentally elsewhere. Thus the affair is their fantasy even if the stolen moments spent with the AP are real. It is called havig a double life.

 

To come back to the topic, the denial is easier for the WS because they will justify it with the fact that it was just "fantasy".

 

i agree on this post. there was a truly a double life. the thing is, i didnt knwo what was going on in their household. and it was my mistake for trusting him so much. when come to thnk of it, i never knew him well enough. i only know what i see, which was not much. or what he says to me. whcih was pretty much all a lie now ive found out.

 

i love him so much. and i believed every single thing he said to me. i never thought ill reach the day when i will regret the day i met him and how i justified my actions for being the other woman. the most important lesson i learned from this affair is "not to do to others if you dont want it done to you."

 

he cheated on me and had another other woman. explains pretty much everything. all the gaps. whatever reasons he tells his wife to be with me, he tells me and HIS WIFE when he goes to see the other other woman. it hurts me so mcuh and has torn my heart to shreds.

 

i often justified my actions. that he loved me and i loved him thats why were in ths. but now that the wife told me it wasnt just me, i just fell into an abyss. still falling actually...

[steelknife]

What else do you expect from a person who is willing to betray and cheat on a person they made a much deeper promise with than the one they made to you? By nature they are being dishonest so why is this a shock?

 

 

right. so right. there are other comments here that ring so true. imo, nothing justifies an affair. because imo, and in my experience. i was willing to let it go, that he dumped me after dday and i stood up for him believing it was something he had to do for his family. and i loved him more for that, even if i has hurting at the same time. i had to let him go that was waht i felt. in my eyes, he was still the person i love that had to be a man. stupid.

 

but when he kept comign back dangling a carrot in front of me, i didnt like it. how can i move on if he keeps pullingme back but not wanting me and me only? i rang the wife, funny. she told me it wasnt just me. and the reason for dday with me, is the other other woman told her bout everything. the other other woman i presumed, is as disgusted as me when she foudn out, he had someone else aside from her and his wife. same with me my disgust is, just wordless.

 

and when i asked him how his wife foudn out, he said he never asked. and when i rang him after his wife told me about the other other woman, he said, they already ended wen we started. he was sorry, he meant to tell me. but its all lies. lies lies lies. and i couldnt get over believing everything he said to me. he said the same thign to the other woman. how he said he loved me. he cant live with out me. or how he goes crazy listenign to our songs. crap.

 

this is a very bitter lesson for me. my fault for trusting someone who did this to his wife. it only show he can do it to anyone..im trying very hard to recover. im not speaking for all the toher mm out there or judging the ow who sticks to their mm. but ive been treated a fool. now i clearly remember all those excuses, all the gaps. all the suspicions i have. they were all true and yet when i asked him, he would say things like i hardly find the time to be with you after fam and kids and chores, how can i find time to be with someone els? or is that how low you look at me? that i have a wife and family, you then you thnk i can still manage to have someone else?? looking back yeah right. it seems impossible. but now i know better, for someone who is a serial cheater and always gets away with it, its not impossible.

 

im jsut sorry for trusting him. and this happened to me.

[woinlove]

i often justified my actions. that he loved me and i loved him thats why were in ths. but now that the wife told me it wasnt just me, i just fell into an abyss. still falling actually...

 

So sorry, steelknife. I hope you have lots of people around to catch you when you fall. Mourn the loss of what you thought was, but take care of yourself. You'll find joy again.

[tft]

Just thought I'd chime in here. My A wasn't based on fantasy. Although it's been (very) tough at times, 5 years on we are deeply in love with each other, send music and poems to each other, have a crazy hot physical attraction towards each other, maintain the ability to make each other laugh til we cry and are each others favourite person to spend time with. We are incredibly in tune, like we were during the A.. He's now divorced, and we live together and have bills and chores etc etc to deal with but our personal/emotional relationship with each other hasn't really changed at all. We did have up and downs, but now the dust has settled we are happy with where we are.

 

I do appreciate this isn't the true for all affairs, but it was for us.

 

TFT

[SuzieWong]

That is very happy news TFT. It is very nice to hear someone saying something nice here. All affairs are not fantasies. The best of every relationship has fantasy in it. The best of every relationship has the everyday of life. I wish you and your lover the happiness of the new year. (It is the year of the Rabbit)

[SidLyon]

I'd never heard the term "affair fog" until I joined LS. I think it's a misnomer anyway because it implies some sort of muddled thinking on the part of the APs.

 

As for "fantasy", this was the word my fWH used to describe the A to me after d-day. It didn't entirley make sense to me either until I asked him to explain it to me. After all they had a "real" affair that caused me enormous "real" hurt and pain. What my H said he meant by "fantasy" wasn't that they had real meetings, real sex, real love even; but that their talk of "if onlies" (eg "we'd met before" or " we could be together forever" etc), were always, at least in his mind, a fantasy that was never ever going to happen.

 

At d-day my H could have chosen the OW. The OW was by then single and desperately needed him (or so he believed), our kids were teenagers and would have coped and still loved him, both my H and I are independently well off so there was no financial reason to stay together, his family would never disown him and would have made every effort to welcome a new partner no matter how upset they were, and socially and professionally there would have been no repercussions to him.

 

Yet having a stark choice to actually live the fantasy with all the "realisation of pent up yearnings" that would have entailed, or to stay in the marriage, he chose the relationship with me. This despite being a risk-taker who in the past would take risks for love. In a way he was still taking a risk because he and I might have fallen in a heap, and by then the OW might have moved on (as she apparently has).

 

So the word "fantasy" doesn't seem to mean that the affair was an illusion or fabrication. Just that for some affairs, there is an element of "wishing for a future" or "imagining what if" that will never ever come to be, so in that sense it's a fantasy. At the time the APs know it's a fantasy because it's not actually happening.

 

It's only later when the fantasy either is realised or is discarded that the APs can tell exactly how much of a fantasy it was. Also if it never actually happens, the 2 partners could still look back in retrospect and decide that for them it obviously was more of a fantasy than they realised at the time or that for them it was much more of an intention than a fantasy but that for the other AP it might have been more fantasy than intention.

 

Although I'm a BW here on LS, I do know what I'm talking about having been in a secret relationship (not as an OW, nor as a cheater) many years ago.

[steelknife]

So sorry, steelknife. I hope you have lots of people around to catch you when you fall. Mourn the loss of what you thought was, but take care of yourself. You'll find joy again.

 

im trying very hard to cope. and i just keep telling meself. what i did to his wife, is happening to me. but amongst all these, why is the xmm not even remotely remorseful? bec he can get away with it.

 

there was no truth to "us", the only truth i know is that he played with me feelings. tahnk you so much for your concern. in time, in time i know ill get over this.

 

to tft, im so happy to hear about your story. all the best to you

[seren]

Sorry to T/J, but Steelknife, perhaps you could open a thread where you can get some more foccussed support, sounds like you are having a very hard time of it and your posts may get lost in this thread. Sounds like you need to get it out and there will be many OW and possibly some of us BS who can help to give you some support while you are feeling this way.

 

Please take very good care of yourself, don't beat yourself up, the man sounds like an a***.

Seren x

[steelknife]

Sorry to T/J, but Steelknife, perhaps you could open a thread where you can get some more foccussed support, sounds like you are having a very hard time of it and your posts may get lost in this thread. Sounds like you need to get it out and there will be many OW and possibly some of us BS who can help to give you some support while you are feeling this way.

 

Please take very good care of yourself, don't beat yourself up, the man sounds like an a***.

Seren x

 

 

sory OP/ thanks seren. did not mean to t/j:confused: