wife caught me snooping

[jasperlynx]

I wanted to get some response to what happend. My wife and I are going thru some very rough times..as you could see in my previous post. 3 months of basically seperation in our own home, with small kids. This is her choice not mine. I am devastated and would do anything to make things right. My wife was out and I had a wierd feeling. trust issue. I snooped on our caller id and noticed a strange number. I called it and her friends voicemall picked up. Of course i hungs up. Well she called me this morning upset that her friend called her and said " up sorry i missed your call" . My wife was upset with me..calling me inmature then hung up. She is pissed I know it. I told her I had a bad feeling and im sorry.

Did I mess up? or Can you blame Me? Does she have a every right to throw me in the toilet again?

Damn Im just sick and tired of wondering all the time.

[karnak]

Personally, I don't think I'd be very bothered if my wife snooped on me... if I were innocent that is. When we have nothing to hide, there's no big issue with people checking your life (my subjective opinion of course).

 

We only get annoyed for our parents snooping on our drawers when we have something to hide from them. Otherwise we just ask: "huh, why did they search through my stuff??"

[Surfer203]

Depending on the situation - you have ever right to snoop. You just need to be more careful next time.. if you hit *67 on your phone it then makes a beeping noise and then a dial tone again, you then type in the number you want to call... I believe that will mark your number as PRIVATE/UNLISTED.

[PegNosePete]

Snooping is only justified if you uncover something bad. If all is fine then you have broken her trust and she has a right to be mad at you.

 

Having said that, looking at a caller id doesn't seem like a very major snooping incident. It's not like you looked through her phone messages or put a keylogger on her PC. You said it's "our" caller id, so you have every right to check it and wonder who's on it, right?

Edited December 16, 2010 by PegNosePete

[jasperlynx]

yes I tried *67. it did not work I guess. Maybe we do not have that feature on our phone. She called me back just a few back to tell that I was creepy and that she figured I was also looking through all of her stuff. I did not but she validated bad news to me that I needed to move on and that I should find a girlfriend and for sure she would NOT call her. I am very hurt by this whole scenario of living like this. Seperated in our house. We have been getting along in a very friendly matter (not intimate at all) for a few weeks now and I feel like I put the nail in the coffin if there was any hope in getting somewhere in the relationship. What can I tell her? to smooth things out. I am scared, hurt, lost and cant seem to a grip on the the fact that she means it. (Being over). I do see a therapist and have been trying to deal with this change for months now. I feel that I have 2 choices.....Accept it and truley move on(give up). or stay and live in a fantasy that we will get back together.Any advice would be greatly appreciated. thank you

[PegNosePete]

I think you need to man up, don't take this sh*t from her. You are separated; your actions are not her business any more. The caller ID is yours as well, so you have every right to look at the numbers on it, and ring them to see whose they are. If you want to work things out then you need to make yourself attractive as a male, so you need to stop acting like a scolded dog. She will never come back to you if you carry on acting, hurt and lost. Sure, feel those things - but don't show her. Present the united front.

[collegeguy_24]

Tell her to either work on her marriage or get out. SHe is just stringing you along.

[goingstrong]

JL, stop being a doormat and tell her you can do whatever you d*** well want with your phone. Spouses do not love men that they do not respect, so do the 180 and see how that effects things.

[jasperlynx]

spoke to her and she said..it was not my business who she calls.

the only reason I called the number was because it was late at night

calls and very early morning. or course I would be curious.

I'm pissed..she told me to grow up....guess that is what i have to do.

[Surfer203]

Tell her to eat s***. Before my wife left she got defensive about calls and text messages and stuff. In my situation, they were all cover ups and lies. Be careful.

[tinktronik]

spoke to her and she said..it was not my business who she calls.

the only reason I called the number was because it was late at night

calls and very early morning. or course I would be curious.

I'm pissed..she told me to grow up....guess that is what i have to do.

 

I don't think wanting to know the truth of what is going on in your marriage is not being grown up. In fact, I would say being sneaky, hiding things and generally trashing your marriage (the way she is doing) is pretty childish.

[Chi townD]

Don't grow up, MAN UP!! You're writing like you're walking on eggshells in your own home! No one should live like that. You're seperated, meaning, you're still married so it is your business.

[Owl]

This is why in-home seperations do not work.

 

Here's my take. WHY did you snoop?

 

Were you hoping to get evidence that she is cheating? If so...to do what with it?

 

Were you hoping to get the 'proof', so you could confront her and find a way to convince her to stop?

 

Were you wanting 'proof' to use against her in a divorce?

 

I understand the need to know what's going on...don't take me wrong. I'm just suggesting that you need to decide what it is you want to do here...divorce, reconcile, whatever...and then decide on a gameplan to get your goal.

 

And decide if snooping is going to help or hurt your plan to get to your goal.

 

Decide if knowing the truth is going to be a factor in your goal or not.

 

Make sense?

[robf1971]

Does she have a every right to throw me in the toilet again?

.

 

Looks like she's blaming you for the total breakdown of the marriage and she's got you believing it, so your'e the one feeling guilty and thinking that she has the right to "throw you in the toilet". You need to reclaim your balls from her.

[Darth Vader]

yes I tried *67. it did not work I guess. Maybe we do not have that feature on our phone. She called me back just a few back to tell that I was creepy and that she figured I was also looking through all of her stuff. I did not but she validated bad news to me that I needed to move on and that I should find a girlfriend and for sure she would NOT call her. I am very hurt by this whole scenario of living like this. Seperated in our house. We have been getting along in a very friendly matter (not intimate at all) for a few weeks now and I feel like I put the nail in the coffin if there was any hope in getting somewhere in the relationship. What can I tell her? to smooth things out. I am scared, hurt, lost and cant seem to a grip on the the fact that she means it. (Being over). I do see a therapist and have been trying to deal with this change for months now. I feel that I have 2 choices.....Accept it and truley move on(give up). or stay and live in a fantasy that we will get back together.Any advice would be greatly appreciated. thank you

 

 

What's your "Gut" say? Is it telling you something's not right? Listen to it! She's awfully defensive about something, I wonder who He is she's covering for!

[whichwayisup]

3 months of basically seperation in our own home, with small kids.

This isn't good for the kids. You two are not trying to fix things, your wife is pushing you away and is controlling how things are by excluding you and doing whatever she wants.

[debtman]

WOW! How familiar this all sounds...

A little over 2 years ago (after 4 years of marriage, 8 years together and 2 small kids) my wife found out that I was lying to her about $40k of debt I had. I justified the lies to myself because I knew the debt would be a "deal breaker" and I couldn't figure out how to "fix" it, even though I knew I needed to.

 

She told me we were getting divorced, no options. I was devastated, broke (worse than broke) and had NO options other than watching my life fall apart.

 

I went to debt counseling, got into a legitimate debt program, went to debtors anonymous and started working my A$$ off. We lived "separated" but together for the next 8 months. During that time, she went out with several male "friends," took trips with them, told me how "free" she felt not having to "worry" about me anymore, etc. I looked through her email...and found emails to friends telling them about her "feelings" for one of these guys and how she would lean over in the car to "smell him", etc.

She figured out that I went through her e-mails, but I told her I didn't find anything, but that broke her trust even more.

 

After 8 months of watching me work 70-80 hours/week (all after the kids went to bed so I wasn't "making them pay" for my mistakes), and bust my A$$ around the house trying to "help" out, she finally told me that we could "try again." She apologized for how mean she had been to me, how unfairly she had treated me, etc. and saw that I was making changes and saw that I needed to fix things.

 

After that, I couldn't emotionally commit to her again. I knew I was only one mistake away from her jumping to the divorce route again and it had been too painful to go through that the first time. I became a doormat, I was either working, playing with the kids or taking care of things around the house. Dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc. anything I could do to "prove" myself.

Turns out, it wasn't enough. She had told me several times in the past year that she was "lonely" and we didn't do enough together. I told her I was focused on getting out of debt, but offered to go to MC with her, but she didn't want to. Her dad passed away over the summer and she started looking for something...change...every week it was a new career idea, a new "plan" and, finally, after me encouraging her to go out and make new friends and find hobbies, she did. She met a guy who wanted to go biking. After having me "check him out" for her to make sure he wasn't a "creep" she went out with him a few times...to dinner. After 2 "dates" she told me that our marriage just wasn't working and we were just too different. "Incompatible personalities" she said. I gave her a list of things we could do to work on the relationship. MC, IC, "honesty" sessions, intimacy time, etc. and she wasn't interested.

 

Anyway, I moved out, am living with my parents. She's at home, with the kids, her new boyfriend over every night (when he doesn't have his kids) and we have our last mediation session tomorrow and the divorce should be final early next year.

 

He's moving into our house on Feb. 1 to "make sure" they're compatible to live together before they have to move out on May 1 and I get to move back in. It's also going to help me out by saving me enough $ while I live with my parents to finally be DEBT FREE!

 

Anyway, I'm just trying to point out that it's REALLY hard. It doesn't get any easier. Snooping won't get you anything except angry. You might be better off getting out now, or, you might be able to give her some time to "look around" and she might change her mind...but it might not change for long...unless you can BOTH make changes.

 

My wife wanted change and she made that happen. I'm chalking this up as a painful learning experience...about debt, about relationships, etc. I got two beautiful children out of it, and not seeing them every day is by FAR the hardest part. WAY more difficult that seeing the ex with a new guy. She didn't learn anything from this. It's only a matter of time before he sees her mean streak, becomes "distant" to avoid getting yelled at and she starts looking for change again. I wish she would get some help, but she's too stubborn and insecure...

 

Keep posting...it helps. Keep reading...there are some GOOD stories on here. Some positive, some not. Whatever happens, it WILL work out, one way or another. LEARN from it...

 

Good luck!!

[USCGAviator]

Yeah man you need to address this quickly. While I was away for a 5 month school my now ex-wife told me we should get a divorce, we have nothing in common, all that nonsense.

 

I came back and knew what was going on. I tried to work with her for a month or so and realized fairly quickly I'm trying to stay with a woman that doesn't love me anymore.

 

And how could I ever trust her again fro what she did? We talked about it and both agreed to end the marriage.

 

We lived together for the next few months before she moved out and during that time there was no eggshell walking by no means. I refused to feel uncomfortable in my own home.

 

The fact that your snooping suggests that she is having an affair. Even if you can't prove it now your gut feeling is usually the only proof you need. When a woman has a change of heart there is little you can do to get her back.

[goingstrong]

WOW! How familiar this all sounds...

A little over 2 years ago (after 4 years of marriage, 8 years together and 2 small kids) my wife found out that I was lying to her about $40k of debt I had. I justified the lies to myself because I knew the debt would be a "deal breaker" and I couldn't figure out how to "fix" it, even though I knew I needed to.

 

She told me we were getting divorced, no options. I was devastated, broke (worse than broke) and had NO options other than watching my life fall apart.

 

I went to debt counseling, got into a legitimate debt program, went to debtors anonymous and started working my A$$ off. We lived "separated" but together for the next 8 months. During that time, she went out with several male "friends," took trips with them, told me how "free" she felt not having to "worry" about me anymore, etc. I looked through her email...and found emails to friends telling them about her "feelings" for one of these guys and how she would lean over in the car to "smell him", etc.

She figured out that I went through her e-mails, but I told her I didn't find anything, but that broke her trust even more.

 

After 8 months of watching me work 70-80 hours/week (all after the kids went to bed so I wasn't "making them pay" for my mistakes), and bust my A$$ around the house trying to "help" out, she finally told me that we could "try again." She apologized for how mean she had been to me, how unfairly she had treated me, etc. and saw that I was making changes and saw that I needed to fix things.

 

After that, I couldn't emotionally commit to her again. I knew I was only one mistake away from her jumping to the divorce route again and it had been too painful to go through that the first time. I became a doormat, I was either working, playing with the kids or taking care of things around the house. Dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc. anything I could do to "prove" myself.

Turns out, it wasn't enough. She had told me several times in the past year that she was "lonely" and we didn't do enough together. I told her I was focused on getting out of debt, but offered to go to MC with her, but she didn't want to. Her dad passed away over the summer and she started looking for something...change...every week it was a new career idea, a new "plan" and, finally, after me encouraging her to go out and make new friends and find hobbies, she did. She met a guy who wanted to go biking. After having me "check him out" for her to make sure he wasn't a "creep" she went out with him a few times...to dinner. After 2 "dates" she told me that our marriage just wasn't working and we were just too different. "Incompatible personalities" she said. I gave her a list of things we could do to work on the relationship. MC, IC, "honesty" sessions, intimacy time, etc. and she wasn't interested.

 

Anyway, I moved out, am living with my parents. She's at home, with the kids, her new boyfriend over every night (when he doesn't have his kids) and we have our last mediation session tomorrow and the divorce should be final early next year.

 

He's moving into our house on Feb. 1 to "make sure" they're compatible to live together before they have to move out on May 1 and I get to move back in. It's also going to help me out by saving me enough $ while I live with my parents to finally be DEBT FREE!

 

Anyway, I'm just trying to point out that it's REALLY hard. It doesn't get any easier. Snooping won't get you anything except angry. You might be better off getting out now, or, you might be able to give her some time to "look around" and she might change her mind...but it might not change for long...unless you can BOTH make changes.

 

My wife wanted change and she made that happen. I'm chalking this up as a painful learning experience...about debt, about relationships, etc. I got two beautiful children out of it, and not seeing them every day is by FAR the hardest part. WAY more difficult that seeing the ex with a new guy. She didn't learn anything from this. It's only a matter of time before he sees her mean streak, becomes "distant" to avoid getting yelled at and she starts looking for change again. I wish she would get some help, but she's too stubborn and insecure...

 

Keep posting...it helps. Keep reading...there are some GOOD stories on here. Some positive, some not. Whatever happens, it WILL work out, one way or another. LEARN from it...

 

Good luck!!

 

 

Debtman, with the risk of sounding too mean, by the way your story panned out perhaps you should stick to giving advice on another one of LS's forums.

[controlledchaos]

it is your phone and caller id. so yeah, you have a right to follow up on those calls as well.

 

as for the living together separation. i think they're near impossible. we separated and were living in the house together and there was just no LINE. it was like life was the same, but wasn't. living like that made things so bad for our situation. he did start the monitoring/ spying thing and once i found out my trust in him was gone. yes, he was abusive, but when i found out he was spying i didn't have a definition for his behavior yet. i just knew he wasn't nice to me and was often angry and belitting and threatening.

 

when you're separated and you start spying like that it can be constituted as stalking, but if you're in the same house sharing things like phones it's a fine line. once i knew he was spying and i no longer trusted him it just went down hill from there. he escalated the spying, whether he was in the house or out, and i trusted him less and less and less. we were NEVER going to reconcile as long as i knew he was spying on me. and he wouldn't stop. even now.

 

if you can, make a firm definition of what's yours and what's hers. where your house ends and her's begins. or have someone move out. if you're separated and there is no talk of working things out then do your best to let her move on and you do the same.

[dreamingoftigers]

I would seriously get on those 180 rules.