How does one do this? little ....

[someday]

I love my H. He loves me. We have a beautiful family and happy life/home. Mostly everything is great.

 

He cheated on me twice in the last 20 yrs. Once a few months after we started dating and then again about 5 yrs ago. The first one didn’t really hurt that much the second was devastating. He’s a good man with anger issues. He was somewhat controlling, still is but not nearly as badly. He’ll do anything to keep me happy. I know him for who he is and love him for who he is.

 

I’ve been in love with another man for most of my life. Never acted on this feeling other than maintaining a close friend ship…which I’ve decided I cannot maintain any longer if I want to keep my M…if I want to make my M a healthy place for both me and my H.

 

I think our issues are related to communication, trust and intimacy. We have gotten much better on the communication (not good enough yet but better). The trust issues are buried very, very deeply in both of us and *some* of that has nothing to do with the M but with us as individuals. He’s just generally untrusting of everything and my trust issues have to do with our intimacy issues (I think). Our level of intimacy is amazing…mostly…except I cannot have the big O with him and that is having seriously negative impact on him…so I get stressed and concentrate and can’t relax…this has been an issue for me for a long time and, truly, he is just now starting to be negatively affected by this issue (guess he started caring more about me?) Anyway, I think that I can’t have the big O with him due the past dysfunction of our R…and I don’t know how to put that to rest or if I even can…

 

Forget about MC he will not go.

[Spark1111]

What about IC? And why will he not go to MC?

 

Right there, it sounds rigid and controlling. The big O is ALL ABOUT TRUST for most women.

 

It certainly does not help that you are in love with an old friend. That is certainly not good for the marriage.

 

Mc can be difficult. The marriage is the client and both spouses can take a turn on the hot seat, so to speak.

 

But the tools you gain can be invaluable.

 

Why do you think he is so resistant? And why didn't you make it a condition to reconcile following his affair?

[someday]

What about IC? And why will he not go to MC?

 

Right there, it sounds rigid and controlling. The big O is ALL ABOUT TRUST for most women.

 

It certainly does not help that you are in love with an old friend. That is certainly not good for the marriage.

 

Mc can be difficult. The marriage is the client and both spouses can take a turn on the hot seat, so to speak.

 

But the tools you gain can be invaluable.

 

Why do you think he is so resistant? And why didn't you make it a condition to reconcile following his affair?

 

He was M’ed before, messy D, they went to MC then and H lost all faith in the whole idea of MC. The last A was nearly 5 yrs ago so I’d think that it’s a little late to demand MC as a condition to reconciliation. Quite honestly, I don’t really believe in IC or MC…I’ve been to IC and it was a waste of my time. I’m kinda afraid of getting a bad MC and making things worse. We live in a very small town so there is not much of a selection to choose from.

 

The OM (friend really) is, I think, a fantasy for me. Like it’s a nice way to daydream about what could have been. I realize that this simply isn’t grounded in reality. Besides, my H has truly been here for me during the worst times of my life, OM has not.

[StrangeCanine]

Replace the guy. Better be with someone better than to wallow in unhappiness.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I respectfully disagree on both Marital and Individual Therapy, it DEFINTELY can benefit both a marriage and an individual. For me neither has done wonders, but I would be willing to say I would be worse off if I did not experience and learn what I did through therapy...

 

I think the issues you're facing are not that unusual. They are workable. In my opinion the key is what you want. That is where therapy can possibly come in, to help you clarify what it is you would like. Can you accept your husband, the fact that he is who he is, and can you say without a doubt, if his improvements are small, or he is slow to change, is he the man you want to be with for the rest of your life? If so, then take the ball and run with it (if not, that's a whole different story).

 

I recently found out news about a couple who my wife and I thought were the perfect couple (I mean, I used to wish our marriage was like theirs). A couple of years ago, the wife cheated twice with an old school buddy who lives half way across the country! She even confided in my wife (about different man) that if 'the guy who she should have married (the one), came into her life she would not be able to stop what would happen!' I was shocked like you wouldn't believe... I thought about it, and for this couple to get back to where they want to be, she needs to forget about 'the one,' totally and completely, or leave her husband and pursue her dream (which will obviously have its ups and downs like any other relationship)...

 

Anyways, you know it better than anyone; you need to progress to a relationship with the OM that is strictly platonic in every sense (highly unlikely in my opinion), or otherwise, you need to cut all contact with him. This is a first step before you ask anything more of your marriage than what your marriage is giving you now.

 

Just to clarify additionally, are you unable to orgasm through any type of stimulation with your husband? With oral stimulation, manual stimulation, no way no how? Or just unable to orgasm during intercourse?