Husband Says He Just Doesn't Think Sometimes

[EBennett]

Thanks for the replies everyone. When we spoke yesterday, I asked him to leave me alone for the weekend. He's gone until Sunday. I felt like I needed to get away from the conversation. Talking with him is unproductive. If he's not trying to talk me out of my feelings, he's being smug and frustrated with me. I get so confused that I can't think straight. This usually leads to reconciliation that feels right at the moment until I realize that nothing was resolved.

 

I have not heard from him which means he knows that I'm serious about not wanting to talk right now. Having this silence has been very cathartic. Posting here has been helpful as well. I've been able to really think about why I'm so frustrated without his discouraging "talk downs".

 

It's so strange. How much clarity I have when he's not part of the process and how convoluted things become when he is.

 

Still don't know what I'm going to do or say on Sunday evening. I have a few more days to work it out.

[hoping2heal]

Thanks for the replies everyone. When we spoke yesterday, I asked him to leave me alone for the weekend. He's gone until Sunday. I felt like I needed to get away from the conversation. Talking with him is unproductive. If he's not trying to talk me out of my feelings, he's being smug and frustrated with me. I get so confused that I can't think straight. This usually leads to reconciliation that feels right at the moment until I realize that nothing was resolved.

 

I have not heard from him which means he knows that I'm serious about not wanting to talk right now. Having this silence has been very cathartic. Posting here has been helpful as well. I've been able to really think about why I'm so frustrated without his discouraging "talk downs".

 

It's so strange. How much clarity I have when he's not part of the process and how convoluted things become when he is.

 

Still don't know what I'm going to do or say on Sunday evening. I have a few more days to work it out.

 

EB - Do not ever let any person talk you out of your feelings. The fact that you mentioned the way things typically get resolved - leads me to believe he knows exactly what he's doing.

 

From now on do not EVER again let him use the excuse that he did not know any better or "just doesn't think sometimes". I agree with the other ladies' advice about getting records, etc. At first I thought he was just a harmless doorknob, but the more I read your posts I started getting a clearer picture of what is taking place.

 

I think baby did a bad, bad thing.

[WonderingWhatIf]

Good luck to you! You have gotten some good advice here. I agree with the others that he is actually gaslighting you in some manner. He is making you believe that what you are seeing is not actually true. If he tells a woman that he misses her through a chat, then there is more going on than what's appropriate. If he has not crossed the line yet, then he is making the probability and the temptation very high with his current actions. He does not show any respect for your marriage or your feelings.

[NoLongerSad]

He's cheating on you and probably has been doing so since you first got involved with him. Your husband is exactly the type of a guy who would get a big charge out of doing your maid of honor in the linen closet at the reception hall during the course of your own wedding celebration. Call up your bridal party and try to find out if he ever tried to put the moves on any of them, or if they "know anything."

 

Sorry.

 

If you don't have kids (and maybe even if you do), just divorce this guy with as little muss and fuss as possible.

 

You can't change a guy like this.

Edited December 17, 2010 by NoLongerSad

[EBennett]

He's cheating on you and probably has been doing so since you first got involved with him. Your husband is exactly the type of a guy who would get a big charge out of doing your maid of honor in the linen closet at the reception hall during the course of your own wedding celebration. Call up your bridal party and try to find out if he ever tried to put the moves on any of them, or if they "know anything."

 

Sorry.

 

If you don't have kids (and maybe even if you do), just divorce this guy with as little muss and fuss as possible.

 

You can't change a guy like this.

 

 

Nah - he's not that high on the "scum bag" food chain. Besides that, any of the 5 gals in my bridal party wouldn't wait for me to come to them if something went down.

 

I appreciate your concern, but I trust my instincts on this. He's far from perfect and my intuition is definitely telling me something has been up. It also tells me what isn't even a remote possibility.

[Minnie09]

The bridesmaid joke was just a joke, I guess, an exaggeration of what is already clear and visible. He enjoys external validation, female attention, ego-boosts and is flirtatious (I miss you). That's not cheating yet, for some people, for others it paves the path for more. If he had the chance, would he go for it? If he got hit on, how far would he go? Would he hit on some other woman actively himself, just for the thrill? If you're not worried about any of that, good for you, OP. You will still need to address the current situation, though; the circumstances you're not okay with: his crossing your boundaries, in a rather disrespectful way. That's how he shows you what his priorities are, very simply put. It's your choice whether you keep ignoring the obvious.

[NoLongerSad]

Nah - he's not that high on the "scum bag" food chain.

 

The way you've described him makes him sound like a master manipulator. That's why whenever he's around you get all confused when you try to address this stuff. That's deliberate on his part. Guys who are that good at manipulation are exactly the type who will cheat on their wives with the wives' best friends. Being able to cheat with someone so close to the spouse gives it that much extra of a thrill.

 

 

Besides that, any of the 5 gals in my bridal party wouldn't wait for me to come to them if something went down.

 

Now you're rationalizing. If any of those 5 gals (or anyone else you are close to, bridal party or not) actually were interested in your husband they would not warn you about him making an approach.

 

 

I appreciate your concern, but I trust my instincts on this.

 

Your instincts will not help you too much with a master deceiver. There is enough that doesn't add up to set up your alarms, there always has been, but he's been good enough at manipulation to repeatedly disregard it.

 

 

He's far from perfect and my intuition is definitely telling me something has been up. It also tells me what isn't even a remote possibility.

 

He went into another woman's hotel room. You don't want to believe sex happened, so you don't. You are in denial. He is taking advantage of that tendency of a victim of infidelity to deny that their spouse could actually be unfaithful. This is part of the manipulation.