Women and fear of commitment

[Mrlonelyone]

I look at the men on here, myself included, and I see allot of people who have come out of some serious long term relationships. There is one thing that I see common to all of these relationships. The woman in them had a great fear of commitment. It had been many month's or years...starting to get to that point where people start to seriously propose marriage...then heartbreak! check out this article from 2007.

 

Fear of commitment? It’s now a women’s thing

In her book, ‘Kiss and Run,’ Elina Furman tells why many woman are single

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/17107205/ns/today-books/

 

In short while every woman pays lip service to wanting commitment deep down not every woman actually wants it. One thing jumps out at me as having occured in some of the longer relationships that suddenly broke up that we see so many of here.

 

For years, I have watched many women struggle with commitment anxiety. I have seen perfectly sane females insist that their one goal in life is to have a stable relationship, and then do everything in their power to avoid it. Or those women who go on ad infinitum about their careers, the joys of living solo, and no-strings sex, only to collapse in a weeping heap when a guy doesn't call when he says he will. And how could we forget those who are so terrified of facing their commitment fears that they break up with someone they love when things get too close?

 

Sound familiar?

 

A big part of the problem is that all the talk about commitment phobia comes from the attitude that only men want freedom. While women want to settle down. I had to go back to 2007 to find an article on it. http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&q=Women+and+fear+of+commitment nothing more recent!

 

 

If this resonates with your situation, everything was fine...then she just out of the blue sky drops you... let me give you this advice. Try your hardest to just forget such a woman. They may never really want to commit to you or anyone else. The problem is them, not you, and for once that's really true.

[Kjax]

I am one of those (previously) commitment-phobic women. I can only name one or two examples of married couples that I think that are sincerely happy together, and therefore I was very reticent to enter into marriage, a long-term relationship or even call anyone "boyfriend." And yes, it is just plain true that most women want their freedom to "sow wild oats" like men have had the opportunity to do forever.

 

I have to say, though, that women (and men) can change ideals. Especially if there is agreement in sharing responsibilities 50/50, I feel like that can assuage a lot of people's fears about commitment and babies.

 

Lord knows I made the leap. Too bad my ex said he was thrilled about it, and then cheated on me. Mixed signals, to say the least.

 

So I guess my advice would be, if you ever dump a SO for that reason, do not tell her as much without being 100 percent sure that is the real reason you want to break the relationship.

[D-Lish]

I am also one of those women that couldn't commit after my marriage broke up. I spent 8 years avoiding commitment- and if it got to the point where my heart felt vulnerable, I'd either find a reason to walk, or sabotage the relationship so they would walk away from me.

 

I recently had someone walk into my life and blow me away. It was a combination of the right timing and the right person. I probably would have rejected this person as little as a year ago.

[durkadurka]

I can only speak for myself, but my ex wanted to get married and make our relationship permanent, but the way she acted made my life so hard that there was no way I could in my right mind make it permanent.

 

It was like being pulled in two separate directions.

 

Girl couldn't decide if she wanted to live in a rural town, or a metropolitan city, travel or stay in one place, have kids or not have kids.

 

Ironically after she left me she decided that getting married was something that she wanted for herself.

 

****ing weird.

[alimpo83]

To me happened that. As I and m girlfriend got to the two year mark, she got scared of commitment and wanted out. And those ideas of a future together, came always from her. It completely destroyed me!

[Mrlonelyone]

Ladies who responded thankyou.

 

What we here would like to know is... if you would ever give a second chance to any of the men you dated during your comitment phobic phase under any circumstances?

[Jannah]

CP differs vastly between men and women.

 

For women - it usually stems from a traumatic childhood that has evolved into a deep rooted fear. Or, if something traumatic happened to them as an adult, where they may have suffered something similar to PTSD.

 

With anything, the root needs to be extracted and removed. Time and/or meeting the right person, can certainly trigger a person's motivation to start the process, but that alone is not an instaneous fix nor the end-all-cure for a truly commitment-phobic woman.

[Cee]

Ladies who responded thankyou.

 

What we here would like to know is... if you would ever give a second chance to any of the men you dated during your comitment phobic phase under any circumstances?

 

The commitment phobic phase can last a long time. For me, it has lasted about two decades and still counting. There isn't a word in our culture for women who don't ever want to settle down. But I think I'm one of them. I remember reading a book called "Women Living Single" and I realized I was one of those women who is happier single than coupled. People keep telling me I'll meet the right guy, but I have met the right guy multiple times and broke up with him.

 

I'm happy to report that my exes have good lives. One guy is married and has a new baby. I'm delighted for him. And my other exes are in happy, committed relationships. My most significant ex is still single, but very happy. We have remained friendly. I would go back to him as I still love him madly, but it's not meant to be. He's my soul mate & he knows that. I still talk to him and visited last year. I don't think people can comprehend why soul mates shouldn't be together. It's very hard to explain. Guess you have to be there. Sometimes love isn't the most important thing in life.

 

Men should never wait around for the commitment phobic woman. That's crazy talk. Men are best to move on and seek love elsewhere.

[Mrlonelyone]

I agree that no one should wait around. I am of the opinion that a true second chance can only happen after a period of separation of at least, at least 8-9 months or more likely years...in which both people move on, move on... I mean being able to look back on that vicious argument and laugh about it... that's how long I mean..

[Caliguy64]

I wonder if this was the issue with my ex. We only dated for 5 mos. But every time it seemed like we were getting close she pulled away. She even started the talk about asking me if I was falling for her cause she wanted to know if there was a chance for us. She asked me to go away with her and then changed her mind a couple of days later - then after telling me she did not want to lose me she broke up over AIM by telling me she just couldnt think anymore

 

Never heard from her again. Good thing there are lots of ladies here in LA. But...it still hurts

[Ajax]

I wonder if this was the issue with my ex. We only dated for 5 mos. But every time it seemed like we were getting close she pulled away. She even started the talk about asking me if I was falling for her cause she wanted to know if there was a chance for us. She asked me to go away with her and then changed her mind a couple of days later - then after telling me she did not want to lose me she broke up over AIM by telling me she just couldnt think anymore

 

Never heard from her again. Good thing there are lots of ladies here in LA. But...it still hurts

 

Sounds familiar. My ex made a point of telling me how much she loved me andthat I was the first person in a long time who she could see a future with. I reciprocated her feelings. Two weeks later she dumped me, saying she needed to figure herself out. went NC two weeks after that and havn't heard from her since.

[Mrlonelyone]

The worst part is the realization that even if you don't do anything wrong, you can still end up being dumped.

[GreenPolicy]

Sounds like what happened to me. My ex is 31 years old, very beautiful. I couldn't believe this person was still single when we started dating. I kept wondering "How has nobody locked this down yet?"

 

It should have registered as a red flag that she told me she had only two previous relationships that lasted as long as a year, and most of the time she dumped guys after a few months when they got on her nerves and she couldn't deal with them anymore.

 

Here's her background: biological father abandons her mom when she's pregnant, tells mom to get an abortion, doesn't help raise her. Mom's on her third marriage, and growing up she and her stepdad argue all the time over how best to raise her. Dysfunctional home environment. Her older sister married for security and not love, as her brother in law makes big bucks as a software engineer at Apple.

 

So we started dating, and there was a very strong rapport and chemistry from the start. Started talking marriage about 5 months in. She sits her parents down and tells them I'm The One. She introduces me to her biological father, having not seen him in years, because she wanted him to get to know her future husband. Her parents wanted to meet mine. We talk about our future wedding and discuss different venues and all that.

 

So two weeks shy of our 1-year anniversary, and a few days after I tell her I have a job interview for a second gig to pay for the ring, she dumps me. Her's her reasoning: "I don't think I can love you the way you want to be loved and need to be loved, when you give me compliments I don't feel like that person on the inside, I've never been in a relationship longer than a year and I always do this. I still love you, you're everything I've ever wanted in a man, but I can't get married."

 

I felt blindsided. I still don't think I could have reasonably anticipated it, but there were a few clues. She appears to have started decoupling about a month before the breakup and six weeks before our anniversary. She was a little more distant, and said some pretty weird things about wanting Jesus to come back, how she wants to be in Heaven now (as a Christian I would think the proper perspective is wanting to go to Heaven when you die.) She actually used a variation of the "I can't love you the way you want to be loved" line a month before, something along the lines of how her loving style is different from mine and I need to be okay with that.

 

Commitment phobia appears to make the most sense of what happened. Anybody else have any thoughts?

[Mrlonelyone]

Sure sounds like what the article describes to me.

[GreenPolicy]

Sure sounds like what the article describes to me.

 

Are you talking about my situation?

[Mrlonelyone]

Are you talking about my situation?

 

Yeah. It sounds like she was a woman who really just does not want to be married when it comes down to it.

 

There are certain situations where a second chance is not in the cards. One of those is where the person has some sort of psychopathology which makes them unable to have a real relationship. i.e. commitment phobia. A person has to want to change that, they have to recognize that's whats going on and want to change that.

[i made a mess]

I too am a woman suffering from commitment phobia. I read the book you are speaking of and I found it pretty interesting. I would liken it to a comment a previous poster made above. It's like post traumatic stress syndrome from a previous relationship and other events that have occured in my life.

 

My biological dad left my mom when she was pregnant, my mom and step dad (who adopted me) fought all the time and still fight while I was growing up, 2 of my aunts have been divorced, i have friends get married, only to be divorced within a couple years.

 

I think most of my issues stem from when I fell in love with my best friend of 5 years. He moved to another state. The seperation mad us realize we had deeper than friend feelings, got together, discussed marriage, babies, looked at houses, lots of trips to and from our respective homes. 2 years later I followed him there...1100 miles from my family and friends for this guy. 2 weeks after making the move, he dumped me. Told me he didn't have time for a relationship (after begging me for 2 years to move down). I transferred my job, signed a lease on my own place, everything. He did a complete 360 and just said all of these really nasty things to me about me. He was a narcisistic jerk who chopped my self esteem down so low. No decision I made was ever right, I never said or did anything right after I had moved down.

 

So now I analyze my every move, rethink everything in my head before I say it. I break down others actions trying to figure out if they are being real or fake with me. It's awful to live this way and I worry about everything. I'm so self conscious about it all and don't trust a lot of people.

 

Last year, I met the man of my dreams and truly loved him. However, my insecurities from the previous relationship led me to believe that I didn't deserve someone that I thought to be so perfect. I didn't think that someone could treat me so well, or care about me so much that it hurt. So I pushed him away everytime I felt like my guard was coming down. I had never dated anyone who thought I was enough, just as I was. When we were apart, I'd miss his laugh, the way he talks in his sleep, the way he looked at me and made me feel. It was so hard to think about opening up again that sometimes I'd be silently crying while laying next to him in bed. I'd learned to rely on me and only me for anything I want and it's a tough pill to swallow learning to depend on someone else. I was afraid that if I opened up and allowed him to love me and for me to love him, that the same thing would happen all over again. I am trying to work things out with him, but he's gone NC on me, which I can understand despite how much it hurts.

 

I started seeing a psychologist this past week to work out my issues. I know what they are, I just don't know how to fix them. I think there is hope for girls who want to commit, but they just don't know how to allow themselves to let their guard down. I have to believe that anyway. I don't want to be emotionally broken or hurt anyone else because of this.

[Mrlonelyone]

I congratulate you for wanting to actively change your ways. I hope this all works out for you and him in the best way possible.

[GreenPolicy]

I too am a woman suffering from commitment phobia. I read the book you are speaking of and I found it pretty interesting. I would liken it to a comment a previous poster made above. It's like post traumatic stress syndrome from a previous relationship and other events that have occured in my life.

 

My biological dad left my mom when she was pregnant, my mom and step dad (who adopted me) fought all the time and still fight while I was growing up, 2 of my aunts have been divorced, i have friends get married, only to be divorced within a couple years.

 

I think most of my issues stem from when I fell in love with my best friend of 5 years. He moved to another state. The seperation mad us realize we had deeper than friend feelings, got together, discussed marriage, babies, looked at houses, lots of trips to and from our respective homes. 2 years later I followed him there...1100 miles from my family and friends for this guy. 2 weeks after making the move, he dumped me. Told me he didn't have time for a relationship (after begging me for 2 years to move down). I transferred my job, signed a lease on my own place, everything. He did a complete 360 and just said all of these really nasty things to me about me. He was a narcisistic jerk who chopped my self esteem down so low. No decision I made was ever right, I never said or did anything right after I had moved down.

 

So now I analyze my every move, rethink everything in my head before I say it. I break down others actions trying to figure out if they are being real or fake with me. It's awful to live this way and I worry about everything. I'm so self conscious about it all and don't trust a lot of people.

 

Last year, I met the man of my dreams and truly loved him. However, my insecurities from the previous relationship led me to believe that I didn't deserve someone that I thought to be so perfect. I didn't think that someone could treat me so well, or care about me so much that it hurt. So I pushed him away everytime I felt like my guard was coming down. I had never dated anyone who thought I was enough, just as I was. When we were apart, I'd miss his laugh, the way he talks in his sleep, the way he looked at me and made me feel. It was so hard to think about opening up again that sometimes I'd be silently crying while laying next to him in bed. I'd learned to rely on me and only me for anything I want and it's a tough pill to swallow learning to depend on someone else. I was afraid that if I opened up and allowed him to love me and for me to love him, that the same thing would happen all over again. I am trying to work things out with him, but he's gone NC on me, which I can understand despite how much it hurts.

 

I started seeing a psychologist this past week to work out my issues. I know what they are, I just don't know how to fix them. I think there is hope for girls who want to commit, but they just don't know how to allow themselves to let their guard down. I have to believe that anyway. I don't want to be emotionally broken or hurt anyone else because of this.

 

You SOUND a lot like my ex. She's 31, never been in a relationship longer than a year. She dumped me two weeks shy of our first anniversary.

 

Like you, her biological father abandoned her mom when she was pregnant, and for good measure told her to get an abortion. She told me that her mom and stepfather (who adopted her and helped raise her from the age of 5) argued and fought constantly over her and how best to raise her. Her older sister married for security and not love, as her brother-in-law is a software engineer at Apple. One of her best friends is 30 and has already been divorced three times.

 

She told me she'd had only two previous relationships that lasted as long as a year. From what I could tell, her previous relationship history consisted of her usually being the dumper after only dating a guy for a few months, or being in relationships where the guys treated her like absolute crap. The guy she dated right before me stopped calling her and disappeared after they slept together for the first time.

 

As for our relationship, we hit it off immediately and had an instant connection. She sat her parents down and told them I was The One, different from all the other guys she'd ever dated, and her parents wanted to meet mine. She introduced me to the biological father over dinner after having had no contact with him for about three years. She always told me I was very different from all the other guys she'd ever dated and we began discussing marriage about 5 months in. Like how you said you missed certain things about him when you weren't together, she told me that when she was single she never suffered from boredom, but when I wasn't around, she was bored.

 

Looking back, I can see how she began to detach about a month before the breakup, but I was still blindsided. A month before the breakup, she made a very weird comment about how she wanted to be in Heaven now. I was very taken aback and said "Don't you mean you want to be in Heaven now?" And she's like "No, I'm not suicidal or anything, but I'd rather be there now."

 

Her basic reasoning when she did it was "I don't think I can love you the way you want to be loved and need to be loved, when you give me compliments I don't feel like that person on the inside, I've never been in a relationship longer than a year and I always do this. I still love you, you're everything I've ever wanted in a man, but I can't get married." She did it days after I told her I had a job interview for a second gig to save up for a ring.

 

Did you dump your guy or did he dump you? I know actions speak louder than words, but what sets me apart from the other guys she dated is how she portrayed me to her parents and introducing me to her biological father. You sound so similar to her. How does she probably feel about me? I've been told that she doesn't have a healthy self-image, doesn't feel like she deserves me, feels like marriage is more than she is capable of at this point in her life. Will she regret cutting me loose? I have so many questions and am thoroughly befuddled by what happened, even though it seems to be commitment phobia. I'm wondering if anything she said or did that I described rings true to you.

[i made a mess]

Greenpolicy - I'm so sorry for what you have gone/are going through.

 

To answer your question, I left him...multiple times. I wouldn't necessarily "dump him", but I would however, be too busy to hang out, flake out on plans, come over when it was convenient for me, tell him i was too busy for a relationship, etc. On the inside, I was dying to be serious with him, to settle down, to put 100% into the relationship. But my brain could just not externally allow me to put one foot in front of the other with our relationship. I'd freeze with fear. I'd find things to complain about. Things that are so ridiculously insignificant and had no affect on our relationship or how he treated me (which was like a princess mind you), I'd make to be these huge ordeals. And then I'd snap at him about it.

 

I honestly think each situation is different. I want to be married, I want the family, the happy ever after. It sounds stupid, but on our very first date, I knew he was different. I was myself, unfiltered, guard down,etc. There wasn't a time, including the first date that I didn't stay all night with him. It was completely innocent the first month or so, we just never wanted to say goodbye after spending time together. It scared me. I felt like I was getting too close, i'd look forward to seeing him, his texts would make my day. I told my parents he was the one. I have never told my grandparents about anyone I've dated, and I told my grandparents about him. I began meeting his friends, getting our lives intertwined - which is how a normal relationship progresses. I shut down, didn't ever want to talk about feelings, didn't want to talk about things I would say when I had been drinking and my guard was down briefly. After drinking, I'd say the things I wanted to say sober, but when sober, wouldn't want to talk about them. I would get close, then start flaking out again, get close, flake out. I would not blame him in the least if he thought I was crazy. I started to carry the guilt of what I was doing to him around, I am so ashamed of myself. It would cause me to retreat and not talk to him. He stuck his toe in the water about a month ago and invited me over (refer to my "I made a huge mistake" post). I didn't go. I invited him over 2 nights later to which I got a cool "I'm a little busy doing laundry" response...by Friday of that week he'd changed his number and I haven't heard from him since. I wrote him a letter apologizing, letting him know how i felt. I didn't beg or plead, just said all of the things I should have told him all along and said that I would work has hard as I had to regain his trust if we were to try to reconcile.

 

Personally, what I feel about my ex is love, respect, admiration. He is a saint for putting up with my antics as long as he did. He has the biggest heart I've ever seen. I love him and want to be the person he deserves. I have sought out help from a therapist to get better. So if, god willing, I were to get another chance - I can do things right and communicate how I'm feeling. Let him know when I'm scared, what I need, how I'm feeling.

 

You seem like a genuinely nice person. I can't say what made her run. I can't tell you what you could have done differently. I think she probably cares about you enough to let you go instead of hurting you further until she can work her own issues and inner demons out. If she isn't willing to work on what is causing these issues then it's best to just let it be and move on. She has to want to get better/get help to want to open her heart to love and to be loved. She may regret it, but again, she has to want to work on her issues first. It may or may not be commitment phobia, but from what you've said - it's a strong possibility. Just don't set yourself up for disappointment. No girl is the exact same and though our actions sound similar they could be based on completely different feelings.

[aerogurl87]

I was like that also. As much as I would like/love someone, I would always find some way to sabotage the relationship once things got too serious. With everyone of my exes, with the exception of my current boyfriend, about a month into the relationship I'd start looking for reasons to leave. I kept track of everything they'd do to bother me and then I'd one day tell them out of the blue I couldn't take things anymore and leave.

 

The only guy it hasn't happened with is my current boyfriend. I've seen his faults and took them gracefully. I've never felt the urge to bolt on him really, and when I did start to get slight fears I'd always talk to him about them before they got out of hand. I think for me, my problem was I never really communicated with my exes. I just clammed up and let things stew along till I exploded, while I let them go through the relationship thinking things were great and dandy. My boyfriend even told me I had really bad communication issues when we first met, and although I'm much better now, it's still a work in progress because of the lack of communication skills I learned while growing up.

[Ajax]

i made a mess: My ex sounds almost identical to how you described yourself. Some of the things you wrote were word for word what she said to me. She said that she felt that she didn't deserve someone as good to her as I was... which at the time made absolutely no sense. Personally she deserved the best, and I really did love her (still do). I also stuggled with the logic of it. She said I deserved better, but I didn't care about what I deserved, what mattered is that I wanted her flaws and all.

 

Over the past few months I've really struggled. Can she help the way she is? Probably not. Do I blame her for hurting me? I still do. Maybe I shouldn't, but I do.

 

Thanks for your posts and their candor. They're very insightful and helpful. I'll keep what you've said in mind when I start thinking about what happened and start getting mad at her.

[GreenPolicy]

i made a mess: My ex sounds almost identical to how you described yourself. Some of the things you wrote were word for word what she said to me. She said that she felt that she didn't deserve someone as good to her as I was... which at the time made absolutely no sense. Personally she deserved the best, and I really did love her (still do). I also stuggled with the logic of it. She said I deserved better, but I didn't care about what I deserved, what mattered is that I wanted her flaws and all.

 

Over the past few months I've really struggled. Can she help the way she is? Probably not. Do I blame her for hurting me? I still do. Maybe I shouldn't, but I do.

 

Thanks for your posts and their candor. They're very insightful and helpful. I'll keep what you've said in mind when I start thinking about what happened and start getting mad at her.

 

Two weeks before our first anniversary:

 

"I don't think I can love you the way you want to be loved or need to be loved. When you give me compliments, I don't feel like that person on the inside. I've never been in a relationship longer than a year, I always do this. You're everything I've ever wanted in a man, but I can't get married."

 

This is what I have struggled with as well. I did not ever feel neglected by her. I wanted her as she was. I can see now in the month before we broke up that she was starting to uncouple and she was unhappy. I wish I had initiated some heart to heart talks, but that is 20/20 hindsight wisdom. She was still sending me good signals as well - she made a comment about what kind of engagement ring she wanted five days before we broke up, I could show you some emails she writes to me where she says she loves me very much and I'm an amazing man. She reminded me that her parents wanted to meet mine for dinner since we were going to be getting married. So I don't think I could have seen it coming.

[strangeways]

i made a mess:

 

It all sounds so familiar to me.

 

Like Ajax said, I couldn't understand it; why would she think I don't deserve her? why does she think I'd desert her? If, as she told me, no one had ever loved or cared about her like me (she didn't think someone could) and she'd never loved and cared about anyone like she does me, why did she desert me 4 days after we moved in together? Plus a hundred other such things were said by her.

 

So now I analyze my every move, rethink everything in my head before I say it. I break down others actions trying to figure out if they are being real or fake with me. It's awful to live this way and I worry about everything. I'm so self conscious about it all and don't trust a lot of people.

 

Yep, just like her. She does this in EVERY sapect of her life, not just relationships. *sigh*

 

almost 3 month of NC and lots of reading and analysing and introspection. I sort of get in now. Nothing I could have done to stop it. The more she got attached the more likely it was that she would run. Ho hum.

 

Good to see you're doing something about it. Hope it all works out for you.

Edited December 20, 2010 by strangeways

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think i'm committmentphobic. Relationships freak me out...& I don't think they are built to last. My freedom is important to me. A relationship would be good, but i'm not sure how much I really want one, or if I just think I should because its expected.