sully737 Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 And I usually know how to handle any situation, gracefully at that. My best guy friend. Him and I were planning on moving to another city this coming spring. we're like peas and carrots. He's one of my favorite people. Tonight he told me that he couldnt move with me because he's in love with me... and, verbatim "if I were an alcoholic, trying to get sober, I wouldnt spend too much time at the bar" I cant say Im 100% surprised. But, Im also extremely upset. He's so important to me, and beyond the move... what does this mean of our friendship? What do I do?! Link to post Share on other sites
Nela Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 (edited) If he's actually wise enough to make the decision not to live with you, you should let him (do discuss it thoroughly though....) He probably really wants to live with you, but cares too much to make this into a whole mess. It is very very difficult to live with someone you want when they don't want you! Obviously, the other sunny side of things is, you love him too and you can live happily together As for your friendship, don't ignore this part - keep it open and on the table. Talk about it and just make sure it doesn't get awkward (trust me, it's possible). If you really are very good friends then keep working on your friendship, but let him take the lead. If he for example needs some time apart that will most likely hurt your feelings, but if that's what he feels he needs, then it's probably best for both of you in the long run. Edited December 17, 2010 by Nela Link to post Share on other sites
LoveAintEverything Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 Good choice on his part to not move to another city together......I would maybe take a little while with NC and see where it goes from there Link to post Share on other sites
Author sully737 Posted December 18, 2010 Author Share Posted December 18, 2010 thank you both so much for taking the time to respond. You both more or less told me what I knew already. I know that he's doing this for the right reasons, and moving away together obviously isnt a good idea. Im just so worried that this is going to change things between us forever. We usually talk everyday, either over the phone or via text, but for the last week or so, he all the sudden was being really distant so I asked him last night what was up, and thats when he told me. I guess Im just pretty taken aback about how quickly he changed the way he treated me. Just last week we were watching Toy Story 3 together, and now he tells me all this. We had these great plans that Ive been looking forward to for months, and now everything is ruined. I feel that emptiness you feel after a break up. I suppose this is rather selfish of me, but Im heart broken too. I havent heard from him since then. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 18, 2010 Share Posted December 18, 2010 And I usually know how to handle any situation, gracefully at that. My best guy friend. Him and I were planning on moving to another city this coming spring. we're like peas and carrots. He's one of my favorite people. Tonight he told me that he couldnt move with me because he's in love with me... and, verbatim "if I were an alcoholic, trying to get sober, I wouldnt spend too much time at the bar" I cant say Im 100% surprised. But, Im also extremely upset. He's so important to me, and beyond the move... what does this mean of our friendship? What do I do?! You are a woman with carte blanche - you do whatever you want to do Link to post Share on other sites
Author sully737 Posted December 18, 2010 Author Share Posted December 18, 2010 You are a woman with carte blanche - you do whatever you want to do As much of a control freak as I am... I dont want this kind of power. I want things to go back to the way they were. And everything is all f#@$ed up. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted December 18, 2010 Share Posted December 18, 2010 Youre supposed to recognize when someone is attracted to you, and if you arent attracted to them, you stay away from them so they dont become attached. Youre a woman, you have natural intuition, I'll never believe in a million years that you didnt have a clue of this. if he is smart, you will never hear from him again so that he can go get a girlfriend. he knows he cant keep talking to you. Dont go hanging around guys that are attracted to you liek that unless are planing to get romantically involved, then you wont have to worry about that empty feeling when they bail out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sully737 Posted December 18, 2010 Author Share Posted December 18, 2010 Youre supposed to recognize when someone is attracted to you, and if you arent attracted to them, you stay away from them so they dont become attached. Youre a woman, you have natural intuition, I'll never believe in a million years that you didnt have a clue of this. if he is smart, you will never hear from him again so that he can go get a girlfriend. he knows he cant keep talking to you. Dont go hanging around guys that are attracted to you liek that unless are planing to get romantically involved, then you wont have to worry about that empty feeling when they bail out. We've been friends for years. Sometime ago, when he was a little buzzed, he told me he had a crush on me... But that was about a year ago, and it hasnt been brought up since. Ive had feelings for male friends before, and have managed to remain friends with them for many years. Sometimes between men and women the lines get blurred. I honestly didnt know he still had feelings for me, let alone feelings this strong. Link to post Share on other sites
DragonSlave49 Posted December 18, 2010 Share Posted December 18, 2010 So why aren't you interested in him romantically? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sully737 Posted December 18, 2010 Author Share Posted December 18, 2010 So why aren't you interested in him romantically? I dont really know, Im just, not... Hes wonderful in every sense of the word, but like I said we've been friends for a while now. I just dont look at him that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sully737 Posted December 21, 2010 Author Share Posted December 21, 2010 I still havent heard from him... I should be waiting for him to come to me, right? This sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted December 25, 2010 Share Posted December 25, 2010 Sorry to hear what's happened. I think your friend did the only thing he could do. He realised he couldn't carry on just being your friend as it was hurting him even if he didn't show this. Obviously, his feelings were strong and weren't going away. He's probably tried to cope and to let you know by hinting. You don't feel the same about him. I think you either have to reconsider your relationship with him - could he be more than a friend perhaps? - or accept that he'll try to keep a distance between you two now, maybe even cutting off completely. It's not fair but neither of you can help the way you feel. I'm sure he isn't doing this to hurt you but to protect himself as it's hard to be just friends with someone you are in love with. Link to post Share on other sites
industrie Posted December 26, 2010 Share Posted December 26, 2010 Hey i just stumbeld across this... I am in a similar situation as yourself at the momment, i am realy in love with this chick i work with. I honestly have never felt this way about someone before, i used to hate going to work. But now i get excited for work because i get to see her. We are both realy good freinds, but i dont want to just blurt out "I love you" Or somthing along those lines to her, because i dont want somthinig like this to happen to our current freindship. Even though it hurts me because i dont no if the answear would be good or bad. I think you need to go to him, as you 2 are good freinds. You have to show him that you realy like hes freindship and that he is very important for you. What he did was very brave, and i honestly wish i had hes guts to go out there and just tell this person how i feel myself. I hope everything works out for you and your freind. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2010 Share Posted December 27, 2010 I still havent heard from him... I should be waiting for him to come to me, right? This sucks. Allow him time and space. Let him contact you. He is hurting and it's all about him and his loss of having you as his girlfriend. It hurt him TOO much to be around you and not have you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sully737 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 Allow him time and space. Let him contact you. He is hurting and it's all about him and his loss of having you as his girlfriend. It hurt him TOO much to be around you and not have you. I was his girl-friend... but not his girlfriend... Not sure if thats what you meant... But youre right: I was trying to be patient but this past weekend it kind of all came to a head. I was supposed to help organize a birthday party for his roommate this weekend, so I decided to call him because I knew I would be seeing him later that night. It had been about 3 weeks since we had spoken last... not even so much as a Merry Christmas. The conversation didnt go well... I told him that I missed him and that I wanted to still be friends with him... He was very childish about it and simply said something along the lines of "looks like we both want things we cant have, just because yours is on the other end of the spectrum doesnt mean I should have to oblidge" I started crying telling him how disposable this was all making me feel, like our friendship was superficial, and that it was making me question why he became friends with me in the first place. He didnt seem to care and was incredibly heartless, a side of him I had never seen before. I went to the party anyway, even though I didnt want to. He was there and didnt say one word to me, barely anything to anyone, just drank some whiskey and then left early without even saying goodbye to the birthday boy. Then his facebook status today : "According to psychologist James Messina, there are 5 steps to overcoming resentful feelings. The fifth and final step is strinkingly similar to the definition of insanity" Not only do I assume he's referring to me... but he made me laugh at his AMAZING WIT This really is all breaking my heart. I feel completely helpless... Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Yet again: Men simply do not do the "friendship" thing with women for whom they do not have romantic feelings (unless it is a case of coworkers or some other reason why they have to coexist in the same arena). He was not (ever) there solely to be your "friend". As is usually the case, it was your choice, and you have made it. Link to post Share on other sites
Faded_x Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Yet again: Men simply do not do the "friendship" thing with women for whom they do not have romantic feelings (unless it is a case of coworkers or some other reason why they have to coexist in the same arena). He was not (ever) there solely to be your "friend". That is a totally ridiculous thing to assume. I have purely platonic male friends. We certainly do the "friendship" thing, and they do not have romantic feelings for me. To the OP; right now he is hurting, and so of course he doesn't appear to be acting very mature or rational. He was hurt very deeply by your rejection (because that is what it is; despite the fact that I know it wasn't at all your intention to hurt him), and needs time to heal. I'd just give him some time, and if after awhile you still haven't heard from him, send him a message. Something simple about not wanting to have hurt him, that his friendship has always meant a lot to you, and you'd like to continue on with it. But that if he feels he can't you understand. Again, I'd definitely give him a lot of time to come to you first; you don't want to seem pushy about it. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 I have purely platonic male friends. We certainly do the "friendship" thing, and they do not have romantic feelings for me. "That is a totally ridiculous thing to assume". Well, you got one part right!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Faded_x Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 "That is a totally ridiculous thing to assume". Well, you got one part right!!! Meaning??? Link to post Share on other sites
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