Judgements based on guesses

[pureinheart]

Me neither! Maybe it was just a vent. Hope the OP feels better.

 

What's a starement, and why do I get this visual of a cyber staredown? You know that sign people make when they point two fingers at their eyes, and then point those fingers at someone else?

Or maybe this?

 

I meant statement.

[pureinheart]

If you don't like the thread, or it's contents, why post in it?

[fooled once]

OP, you are absolutely right that not every affair is defined in the same way. That doesn't mean there is no truth to some of the things that get posted here. In the same way people jump to assume you need to tell your wife and your children will be damaged, you jump to assume someone is speaking because they are a BS or have been cheated on. Not everyone has Some things (not all) are just plain obvious and you don't need to have been a BS to see it. Most of it is pure common sense.

 

agree

 

Why post then? Do you (generic you) not realize this is an anonymous internet forum where one might receive all sorts of replies - everything from vulgar name calling, to support, to opinions, to cheap Viagra ads?

 

It makes no sense to me to complain about replies from messages disseminated to the general public. Anyways.

 

Great post jwl!

 

I never understand posts like these.

 

Do some people expect to only be agreed with, empathized with or sympathized with by anonymous posters on an internet relationship blog site?

 

Some will. Some won't. Some posters whose wives, or xwives, have had affairs, may really take you task as your MW's H does not know.

 

Surely, you can understand why they would do so. And perhaps, they will make valid points, or give you food for thought.

 

But you can always ignore what is not of value for you.

 

We can only post from our own perceptions and our own life experiences.

 

Agree!

 

There have been so many posts lately where people are complaining about the lack of support they get and/or the support is not to their liking.

Frankly.........I just don't get it. LS is a OPEN forum, so it's a given that ANYONE can comment regardless of the type of board you are posting on. If the subject is controversial then come on........get real, do people seriously expect everyone that posts to coddle them or agree with them about it all?

 

If a poster doesn't want what they perceive as unwelcome feedback then why post here at LS? :confused:

 

Good question - why post?

 

Maybe some like to play the victim card after they complain about what a non supportive place LS is.

 

Ding ding ding!

[pureinheart]

There have been so many posts lately where people are complaining about the lack of support they get and/or the support is not to their liking.

Frankly.........I just don't get it. LS is a OPEN forum, so it's a given that ANYONE can comment regardless of the type of board you are posting on. If the subject is controversial then come on........get real, do people seriously expect everyone that posts to coddle them or agree with them about it all?

 

If a poster doesn't want what they perceive as unwelcome feedback then why post here at LS? :confused:

 

Why shouldn't people be able to communicate that, it is no different than the BS or ROW stating that their posts are not irrelevent.

 

Just because it's an open forum doesn't give anyone the right to not respect OP.

 

LS has become horrible and that makes me sad.

[BB07]

Why shouldn't people be able to communicate that, it is no different than the BS or ROW stating that their posts are not irrelevent.

Just because it's an open forum doesn't give anyone the right to not respect OP.

 

LS has become horrible and that makes me sad.

 

 

I don't understand your question above pure?

[pureinheart]

I don't understand your question above pure?

 

Maybe this would be better communiucation...why shouldn't people be able to communicate that they don't feel they are getting support?

[bentnotbroken]

Maybe this would be better communiucation...why shouldn't people be able to communicate that they don't feel they are getting support?

 

 

They aren't getting the support they want..the pat on the head and slap on the back...kind of support. They should be able to post whatever they want and the responses should be whatever the responder deems appropriate. IF it isn't...Tony is damn good at handling it.

[BB07]

Maybe this would be better communiucation...why shouldn't people be able to communicate that they don't feel they are getting support?

 

 

Pure.............anyone can say anything they want within the TOS.

The point that I was trying to make is that why should I or you or anyone else expect that everything we/I/they say is going to be agreed with? It's not a reasonable expectation. It doesn't work that way here.

 

The problem I think you have.........is people aren't giving what your idea of support is........right?

[pureinheart]

Pure.............anyone can say anything they want within the TOS.

The point that I was trying to make is that why should I or you or anyone else expect that everything we/I/they say is going to be agreed with? It's not a reasonable expectation. It doesn't work that way here.

 

The problem I think you have.........is people aren't giving what your idea of support is........right?

 

It's not about my idea of support, it's about what the OP deems support. Also, don't you see the horrible things that are said to some of the posters?

 

In SMO's case, I just read the thread that initiated this one...

 

This is my definition of support, especially in open forums. Taking into consideration what the OP says...then I decide whether I agree or disagree, I can communicate that I disagree in a respectful manor what the OP is doing or not doing and why.

 

The cheap one liner pot shots are not support and it has nothing to do with agreeing or disagreeing, some are just rude.

 

Then in the case of SMO, he reminds the posters that he is not looking for judgement or whether or not he should be in an A or not...he simply asked a question...and then was deemed uncool...especially in this thread where he clearly addresses the problem he had with the last thread.

 

Concerning TOS and this is general BB, not directed at you, although "you" in general.

 

TOS is very open ended IMO, and most walk a very thin line...I do with my rebukes and know it.

 

Really, think about it, according to TOS, as long as I am respectful I can priddy much say what I want, and don't direct insults directly at the poster...at least that is what I gathered from Midori's pinned thread.

 

What if a really hurting BS (and some have experienced this) says (in short) my H cheated, I love him and am going to stay because I know he will change and not do it again.

 

My response would be (in short) you know him better than I do, keep your eyes open, BUT I wish you all of the love, peace, and hope in your decision. If there are any problems, please keep us informed..

 

According to TOS, I can say...ya know what, you are acting like a fool, how could you take that lying, cheating, piece of garbage back, he's a loser etc, I think you get the point...this is horrible IMO.

 

It's about respect and not taking your own issues out on the OP.

[pureinheart]

They aren't getting the support they want..the pat on the head and slap on the back...kind of support. They should be able to post whatever they want and the responses should be whatever the responder deems appropriate. IF it isn't...Tony is damn good at handling it.

 

Personally I don't like to run to Tony everytime someone acts like a fool, I would say others don't either...and he doesn't have the time to read every thread, it has to be reported.

 

I don't think that a pat on the back is what some of the posters are looking for...it's common sense and common respect. Period. Not ones own hatred of a particular matter.

 

It's ridiculous in these forums and I hope the insanity ceases.

[hoping2heal]

Support does not always come in the form of a poster mirroring the way an AP sees things. In my short time here I have come to realise when some AP's say they want support, what they actually mean is they want someone to encourage the A they are in even when it's obvious the person is extremely frayed and hanging by a thread as a result.

 

A's are often very self destructive for AP's too. If you want to encourage an AP to remain in affair that is already clearly devestating them (despite their attempts at denial to cover it) then that is an individuals personal choice to do so, but not everyone has the same idea.

 

Regardless of the tone of some posts or threads, you will also see that when an AP has just been kicked to the curb and is at an extremely low point, they are often met with sympathy and compassion instead of a resounding myriad of "I told you so's" although I do not doubt that also happens but less likely than the former from what I've taken in thus far.

 

There is a myriad of life experiences here and you will find diversity in the way a person feels they can be supportive. All of the posts in the world cannot end an AP's relationship with their married counterpart so there is no need to feel threatened. It does seem though that offense is taken when cracks are pointed out - but I think this is mistaken for trying to bash an AP, rather than trying to help them see some of the truths taking place.

[NoIDidn't]

According to TOS, I can say...ya know what, you are acting like a fool, how could you take that lying, cheating, piece of garbage back, he's a loser etc, I think you get the point...this is horrible IMO.

 

Actually, according to the TOS, you can't say the above and not get reprimanded for it. The above is rude. And it only takes one person to report it as such.

 

I believe its rude to even insult the people that are being posted about - especially when the OP loves or cares for that person. Be that person a MM or a WS.

 

FTR, the rude parts to me are "piece of garbage" and "he's a loser". I think that would make the OP feel bad to hear that people think that way about their spouse that they love.

[bentnotbroken]

Personally I don't like to run to Tony everytime someone acts like a fool, I would say others don't either...and he doesn't have the time to read every thread, it has to be reported.

 

I don't think that a pat on the back is what some of the posters are looking for...it's common sense and common respect. Period. Not ones own hatred of a particular matter.

 

It's ridiculous in these forums and I hope the insanity ceases.

 

 

Clearly everyone's level of respect for others is different since this forum and others exist in the first place. Respect is apparently in the eye of the beholder based on the situation and their "feelings of love" for a particular person. So Pure what you call respect, what I call respect and what other posters call respect seems to not be a consensus. Oh the ways of the "world".

 

.

[pureinheart]

It's not about my idea of support, it's about what the OP deems support. Also, don't you see the horrible things that are said to some of the posters?

 

In SMO's case, I just read the thread that initiated this one...

 

This is my definition of support, especially in open forums. Taking into consideration what the OP says...then I decide whether I agree or disagree, I can communicate that I disagree in a respectful manor what the OP is doing or not doing and why.

 

The cheap one liner pot shots are not support and it has nothing to do with agreeing or disagreeing, some are just rude.

 

Then in the case of SMO, he reminds the posters that he is not looking for judgement or whether or not he should be in an A or not...he simply asked a question...and then was deemed uncool...especially in this thread where he clearly addresses the problem he had with the last thread.

 

Concerning TOS and this is general BB, not directed at you, although "you" in general.

 

TOS is very open ended IMO, and most walk a very thin line...I do with my rebukes and know it.

 

Really, think about it, according to TOS, as long as I am respectful I can priddy much say what I want, and don't direct insults directly at the poster...at least that is what I gathered from Midori's pinned thread.

 

What if a really hurting BS (and some have experienced this) says (in short) my H cheated, I love him and am going to stay because I know he will change and not do it again.

 

My response would be (in short) you know him better than I do, keep your eyes open, BUT I wish you all of the love, peace, and hope in your decision. If there are any problems, please keep us informed..

 

According to TOS, I can say...ya know what, you are acting like a fool, how could you take that lying, cheating, piece of garbage back, he's a loser etc, I think you get the point...this is horrible IMO.

 

It's about respect and not taking your own issues out on the OP.

 

Actually, according to the TOS, you can't say the above and not get reprimanded for it. The above is rude. And it only takes one person to report it as such.

 

I believe its rude to even insult the people that are being posted about - especially when the OP loves or cares for that person. Be that person a MM or a WS.

 

FTR, the rude parts to me are "piece of garbage" and "he's a loser". I think that would make the OP feel bad to hear that people think that way about their spouse that they love.

 

I see those "references" all of the time, especially on this forum. There are some posters that use this as normal terminology, I assumed it was ok since it is used so often...thanks for the info...I thought it was ok to say these things...it will be very useful info for the future:).

 

In bold, I totally agree, this has always bothered me...

 

What about the OP saying the "loser", "coward" thing, talking about their own situation?

 

I was just reading a thread in the Infidelity forum...wow, the whole thing would have to be deleted...

 

In reading the TOS, I really didn't understand it, at least not to the degree that you communicated...once again, thank you:D

[Fieldsofgold]

Love the YouTube!

[woinlove]

SMO, I think if you had started your other thread with a statement along the lines of "Where can we find privacy besides hotels and cars, since MW is afraid of being seen by anyone who knows her H and my home is too far away for us", the answers would have been more to the point. I'm sure it wasn't intentional, but your response to the confusion along the lines of "We go out in public, to lunch, shopping" just confused things more as it made it seem everything was out in the open.

 

When the OP gives the key info connected to the question being asked, there is a much better chance of getting some useful answers.

[Fieldsofgold]

Clearly everyone's level of respect for others is different since this forum and others exist in the first place. Respect is apparently in the eye of the beholder based on the situation and their "feelings of love" for a particular person. So Pure what you call respect, what I call respect and what other posters call respect seems to not be a consensus. Oh the ways of the "world".

 

.

 

Totally agree with this. IMO, an affair, by it's very nature, is disrespectful to someone. IMO, often, neither the BS or the OW/OM are treated with respect or consideration. I think everyone realizes how the BS is being treated with disrespect, but it really hurts me to see the disrespect some of the OW/OM are willing to accept, as well - for what they perceive as "love."

 

I do understand that significant information is sometimes overlooked when advice is given. However, it is difficult to read every post with careful scrutiny to make sure all the details are correctly understood, especially if it is a long thread and if all the pertinent info is not clearly spelled out in the OP. Usually, someone will speak up to correct the misunderstood or overlooked details.

 

I also don't think negative comments are always unhelpful. In the situation that brought me here, it was very helpful and supportive for me to read what other people honestly thought of the man in question. It helped me to hear others call him a loser and a coward. It was a reality check for me. It helped clarify things for me, helped dispell doubts and delusions. I even remember one poster who flat out told me I wasn't in love with the man. It shocked me, but i realized she was right! For a poster to put a positive spin on my situation and encourage me to "give it a chance" would have been a huge disservice to me, might have generated confusion and prolonged the suffering for myself, and all the other women involved.

 

I just don't think we can know what is going to be the most helpful or beneficial input for any given poster. Even what seems offensive today, may help clarify things tomorrow. This is the beauty of a world-wide forum. Many different POV are presented. You can take what you need, and leave the rest.

 

I do think that most people post out of genuine concern, and whether their advice is found agreeable or not, the fact that they care enough to post, that alone is supportive.

[SoMovinOn]

When the OP gives the key info connected to the question being asked, there is a much better chance of getting some useful answers.

 

In this thread, although it was prompted by some of the responses in my other thread, it was also prompted by the fact that I often see completely unrelated, inappropriate responses in many threads, in which the responder is simply attempting to make some type of moral or other speech. If one has no response to the thread, one should simply not respond.

[Fieldsofgold]

In this thread, although it was prompted by some of the responses in my other thread, it was also prompted by the fact that I often see completely unrelated, inappropriate responses in many threads, in which the responder is simply attempting to make some type of moral or other speech. If one has no response to the thread, one should simply not respond.

 

You are certainly entitled to your opinion of what is appropriate, and so is everyone else. Freedom of speech, freedom to have differing opinions and all that. Here's the problem. You can't control everyone else. You can't make them comply with your idea of appropriate. You can present your stance. That's about as far as it can go. Unless someone is willing to read and censor every post prior to publishing it. It's the nature of the beast. You change what you can, and accept the things you can't change. I think how other people post is just one of those uncontrollable things. Certainly frustrating sometimes, though.

[wheelwright]

If everyone on LS agreed with me, I'd have soon grown bored.

 

Appreciate the difference. Appreciate life.

 

Just note the ones whose difference makes you feel bad/good. Then reflect. Then move on or adjust.

 

That's the point isn't it?

[NoIDidn't]

What about the OP saying the "loser", "coward" thing, talking about their own situation?

 

I honestly don't see referring to someone as a "coward" is an insult when its clear their behavior fits the definition. But I can see how someone might feel insulted by it.

 

My H wanted to let his OW down easy/lightly. I considered that cowardly of him and told him so. He was afraid for us to be in the same room together. I considered that cowardly and told him so. I mean, if you are bold enough to tel her my personal business and me hers, you should be bold enough to deal with the two of us in the same room where the possibility of us comparing stories might come up.

 

Don't get me wrong, I didn't say "you lousy coward" to him. I explained to him why I felt he was acting like the cowardly lion. There is a huge difference, to me, to calling someone a coward vs telling them why you find their actions define them as one. I didn't put him on the defensive. But I did tell him that he was going to have to face her anger and mine as he helped create it.

 

Calling someone a "loser" is pretty self-explanatory, though.

[Dexter Morgan]

Perhaps I could save you all a bit of typing. In the future, just put BA (Bitter & Angry) in your response .

 

thing is, you are typing this because you and the rest think this is some sort of insult to those that have been betrayed...its not. Its more of a testament to those that are the cause of the so-called "bitterness".

 

but do try again sometime.

[SoMovinOn]

thing is, you are typing this because you and the rest think this is some sort of insult to those that have been betrayed...its not. Its more of a testament to those that are the cause of the so-called "bitterness".

 

but do try again sometime.

 

Well, no. Actually, I typed it because I was referring to people whose only intent in responding is to display their bitterness and anger in an unrelated thread.