Ladies...do you hold hands with your guy friends?

[40 Fonzarelli]

Ive been with this girl for 3 months. The topic of holding hands came up and she said she only holds my hand and her best guy friend's hand. It really bothered me. But she said she wouldn't hold his hand in front of me. So I was thinking to myself, why would she continue doing something, knowing that it would bother me if I saw it? What else is she doing behind my back? Am I overreacting? I found out that they started out dating but decided to just be friends. They kissed but never had sex. They talk/text regularly and they also hang out with just the two of them. She says she sees him like a brother and didn't really think holding hands was a big deal. She wants me to meet him as well. What do you guys think?

[Feelin Frisky]

I don't like it. It's BS to you if your her bf. I think it's either very stupid or very selfish or both. If a girl is going to be in a relationship she should know that it is not ALL ABOUT HER and that being in a realtionship means being a COUPLE (as in a couple of human beings and not one human being in whose eyes everyone else is a character in their world). She needs to grow up or fess up. It's a diss to you. Or, perhaps you just are not "all that" to her. Sorry but that's that.

[Cracker Jack]

I don't believe it's okay to hold hands with someone you're not with; especially if they're in a relationship with someone. That just seems silly to me.

[denise_xo]

Ive been with this girl for 3 months. The topic of holding hands came up and she said she only holds my hand and her best guy friend's hand. It really bothered me. But she said she wouldn't hold his hand in front of me. So I was thinking to myself, why would she continue doing something, knowing that it would bother me if I saw it? What else is she doing behind my back? Am I overreacting? I found out that they started out dating but decided to just be friends. They kissed but never had sex. They talk/text regularly and they also hang out with just the two of them. She says she sees him like a brother and didn't really think holding hands was a big deal. She wants me to meet him as well. What do you guys think?

 

It's totally weird and not acceptable. Holding hands are for couples only. And the first bit of bold is a huge red flag.

[loverofloveandstuff]

What is this girl thinking? This seems very strange to me. Time for a "we need to talk."

[Citizen Erased]

I don't even hold hands with my female friends, let alone male ones. WTF is she thinking? I agree, time for a talk.

[zengirl]

It's weird.

[40 Fonzarelli]

She told me she won't hold his hand anymore because it would bother her if she saw me holding hands with my female friends. She gets jealous. I forgot to mention, she also holds her little sister's hand (she's 17) out in public which I find weird as well.

 

And the first bit of bold is a huge red flag.

 

That's what is really bothering me. Its becoming a trust issue.

 

I really don't want to be that insecure boyfriend that isn't cool with her having male friends. But there just seemed to be too many red flags so I had to voice my concerns. She said I have NOTHING to worry about with him and that she doesn't look at him that way.

 

So where do I go from here? Should I continue trusting her and let it be until I see something obvious? They are supposed to go shopping all day on sunday which im not thrilled about. We are spending all day monday together before she goes home for xmas.

[loverofloveandstuff]

She told me she won't hold his hand anymore because it would bother her if she saw me holding hands with my female friends. She gets jealous. I forgot to mention, she also holds her little sister's hand (she's 17) out in public which I find weird as well.

 

Is she Asian? I only ask because it might be a cultural thing. My mum's friend's daughter came over from Asia last year and I had to entertain her so I took her into the city... she started holding my hand everywhere we went and I felt very uncomfortable so I kept trying to hold my bag on the side she was walking.

[sally4sara]

Only ever had it happen in a seriously crowded place and we all locked hands; not just me and one other friend who happened to be a guy.

 

Walking along holding hands is a gesture of endearment beyond the simple friendly gesture.

[40 Fonzarelli]

Is she Asian? I only ask because it might be a cultural thing. My mum's friend's daughter came over from Asia last year and I had to entertain her so I took her into the city... she started holding my hand everywhere we went and I felt very uncomfortable so I kept trying to hold my bag on the side she was walking.

 

No she is white. Born and raised here in the states. I would also like to mention that she wanted to hold my hand on our first date. Maybe she just likes holding hands?

 

A note to everyone that has responded so far, is linking arms (holding his arm) equally unacceptable? I actually told her that was fine. However, ive been in situations where a girl has done that to me in front of her bf and I have to admit I didn't feel very comfortable.

[zengirl]

Is she Asian? I only ask because it might be a cultural thing. My mum's friend's daughter came over from Asia last year and I had to entertain her so I took her into the city... she started holding my hand everywhere we went and I felt very uncomfortable so I kept trying to hold my bag on the side she was walking.

 

In agreement here, if she's Asian -- and very culturally so -- it's not strange at all. Men hold male friend's hands in Korea, as do men and women, women and women, etc. It's actually most common amongst men with their male friends, though. So it'd be very gender neutral from that perspective, perhaps.

 

Not so in Japan, though. My family is Japanese, and they'd find it odd.

[SerpentX]

No way! That is totally unacceptable. That is a very intimate thing to be shared between two people who are dating, not just to be done with anyone. It also sounds like this is not a cultural thing for her either.

 

Maybe it was ok before she started seeing you, but definitely should not be ok now that she is with you.

[Undine]

In very crowded venues, yes, hand-holding is sometimes practical--or on very uneven footing, or something similar. Once I held my husband's best guy friend's hand, when I was recovering from a twisted ankle and limping through an outdoor concert crowd up a hill; he was on higher ground and helping me, while my husband was somewhere else briefly. No big deal there. When I was much younger, I sometimes held hands with a girl who was my best friend and practically my sister, it was usually a comfort thing because she suffered from anxiety. But I've never just gone around holding hands willy nilly with guy friends, it's a really obvious way to send confusing signals, and would be disrespectful to any significant others--in my own cultural context, at least. Other cultures do regard the significance of hand holding differently.

[Sanman]

The question becomes what you are comfortable with and whether you feel okay trusting her for the time being to see where this goes. With my most recent relationship, behavior like with a friend/ex became a large part of the reason we are breaking up. The truth is that I just could not get over how close she still was to this person and always wondered whether I was the consolation prize rather than what she really wanted (as this person got into a relationship first). The gf may be telling you the truth in that she may not be physically attracted to her friend and nothing may be happening, but is she more attracted to her friend on an emotional level? If that is the case, she is hurting both of you for her benefit because she is getting all of her needs filled and giving both of you half a relationship.

[40 Fonzarelli]

The question becomes what you are comfortable with and whether you feel okay trusting her for the time being to see where this goes. With my most recent relationship, behavior like with a friend/ex became a large part of the reason we are breaking up. The truth is that I just could not get over how close she still was to this person and always wondered whether I was the consolation prize rather than what she really wanted (as this person got into a relationship first). The gf may be telling you the truth in that she may not be physically attracted to her friend and nothing may be happening, but is she more attracted to her friend on an emotional level? If that is the case, she is hurting both of you for her benefit because she is getting all of her needs filled and giving both of you half a relationship.

 

I feel like I can trust her for the time being. I do think she has a stronger emotional connection to him, mainly because they've known each other longer. However, I agree that for a healthy relationship, she needs to have the stronger emotional connection with me. The question is, how long do I wait for that to happen? She keeps mentioning how she's told her family and friends about me and how she wants to meet my mine. She is also mentioning our future plans often. So she does seem serious about me. However, I am also a believer in "actions speak louder than words."

[Feelin Frisky]

The things we have to put up with for poontang.

[Grobyc]

Soo, this is weird?

 

My ladyfriends and I occasionally hold hands at some point. But we're all in a group so we're all doing it.

 

I never think anything of it just because it lasts for a whole 5 minutes then we all disband.

 

A just friends thing you know? We all know that as well. its usually as we are all walking down the road or something. But yeah, nothing affectionate or anything just a random thing that happens.

[sagetalk]

Ive been with this girl for 3 months. The topic of holding hands came up and she said she only holds my hand and her best guy friend's hand.

 

What do you guys think?

 

I think that is lame and ridiculous. If my girl was holding hands with another guy I'd be ticked.

[jsb58]

I suggest meeting him. Maybe he is really gay and of no threat to you.

Barring cultural or sexual differences, I don't think hand holding is appropriate.

[Sanman]

I feel like I can trust her for the time being. I do think she has a stronger emotional connection to him, mainly because they've known each other longer. However, I agree that for a healthy relationship, she needs to have the stronger emotional connection with me. The question is, how long do I wait for that to happen? She keeps mentioning how she's told her family and friends about me and how she wants to meet my mine. She is also mentioning our future plans often. So she does seem serious about me. However, I am also a believer in "actions speak louder than words."

 

 

I definitely agree that actions speak louder than words and the only way you can judge whether she is serious about you and this is a 'quirk' she has or if it is something that may cause further issues is to keep going. You have brought it up and she is aware it bothers you. The ball is in her court with the hand holding. It is also up to you to determine whether her actions suggest that she is serious about you and those actions differ for every person. It is very rare that I bring a woman to meet friends or mention her to family. I have other friends who are much more casual about this and bring everyone around. It is a good sign that she wants to meet the people in your life. There is no time limit on the emotional connection to develop, I would judge it by how you feel. If you continue feeling 'not right' about the situation and feel your relationship is missing some of the emotional involvement, it is up for you to talk to her about it in an adult manner. If she really cares she will try and help you with your concerns.

[Imajerk17]

Ive been with this girl for 3 months. The topic of holding hands came up and she said she only holds my hand and her best guy friend's hand. It really bothered me. But she said she wouldn't hold his hand in front of me. So I was thinking to myself, why would she continue doing something, knowing that it would bother me if I saw it? What else is she doing behind my back? Am I overreacting? I found out that they started out dating but decided to just be friends. They kissed but never had sex. They talk/text regularly and they also hang out with just the two of them. She says she sees him like a brother and didn't really think holding hands was a big deal. She wants me to meet him as well. What do you guys think?

 

Well Fonz, the way I see it, you have two choices:

 

(1) Accept it, and then have her dump you eventually because she hooked up with her "friend". (She will lose respect from you for putting up with it, even if she doesn't realize it. I don't care how appreciative she sounds in the meanwhile.) You'll be seriously seriously hurting, because you lost the girl AND your self-respect, for letting her hoodwink you.

 

(2) Tell her that's messed up and break up with her now. You'll still hurt from losing the girl, but at least you'll get to keep your self-respect.

[40 Fonzarelli]

I definitely agree that actions speak louder than words and the only way you can judge whether she is serious about you and this is a 'quirk' she has or if it is something that may cause further issues is to keep going. You have brought it up and she is aware it bothers you. The ball is in her court with the hand holding. It is also up to you to determine whether her actions suggest that she is serious about you and those actions differ for every person. It is very rare that I bring a woman to meet friends or mention her to family. I have other friends who are much more casual about this and bring everyone around. It is a good sign that she wants to meet the people in your life. There is no time limit on the emotional connection to develop, I would judge it by how you feel. If you continue feeling 'not right' about the situation and feel your relationship is missing some of the emotional involvement, it is up for you to talk to her about it in an adult manner. If she really cares she will try and help you with your concerns.

 

I think its more of a quirk. I just have a good gut feeling about her despite this. She's spending new years with her family out of state and invited me to spend it with her. She was even asking me why I haven't introduced her to my family/friends.

 

Well Fonz, the way I see it, you have two choices:

 

(1) Accept it, and then have her dump you eventually because she hooked up with her "friend". (She will lose respect from you for putting up with it, even if she doesn't realize it. I don't care how appreciative she sounds in the meanwhile.) You'll be seriously seriously hurting, because you lost the girl AND your self-respect, for letting her hoodwink you.

 

(2) Tell her that's messed up and break up with her now. You'll still hurt from losing the girl, but at least you'll get to keep your self-respect.

 

Well she said she will no longer hold his hand and wants me to meet him. She will occasionally mention him when it ties into the conversation which I view as her not trying to hide anything from me or feel that he is a threat. I think I am gonna ride this out and see what happens.

[40 Fonzarelli]

So what do you know...I get another curve ball. Today she was supposed to go xmas shopping with him. She texted me this morning and we text back n forth until early afternoon when I get a text response from her sister saying she has the phone for the day. I wouldn't really care but it just annoyed me that she never mentioned she was going to do that. Ive known her for 5 months and she's never lent her phone to her sister. So now she is shopping with her "friend" and is completely unavailable. Should I be upset and should I say anything when I see her tomorrow? Or am I being overly sensitive?

[nice-easy-day]

Alright fine, so holding hands with a friend who is a guy is weird.

 

What about a girl giving a kiss on the cheek? I had girl give me the kiss on the cheek a few times. Is this in the same category as holding hands?