The past is resurfacing

[QuiteConfused]

Hi all, I am new to this forum and actually came here specifically to ask your advice about a situation I am in.

 

When I was 12 (I am 43 now) my best friend’s father touched me in a very inappropriate way. I was able to quickly put a stop to that by avoiding him as much as possible. At the time, I choose to tell my friend about what her father did. She did not believe me and told her mother what I said. Of course, that was the end of the friendship. Today, I regret telling her, as it caused her much pain and I believe that it led (in part) to her parent’s divorce.

 

Now, 31 years later, she has contacted me on Facebook and is asking me if what I told her about her father was true. I do not know if her father is still alive or if she still has a relationship with him.

I really do not want to hurt her anymore than I already have. If she still believes that I lied and it helps her cope, I can live with that. I do not know what to tell her. Is it better to confirm to her that it was true? Her kids are grown, so that is not an issue.

 

Please help! What would you do?

[Tiberius]

Just tell her what he did and let her decide.

[QuiteConfused]

Hi Tiberius,

 

She already knows what he did, she just does not want to believe it. I just don't see any benefit for anyone if I confirm what he did. It will destroy her relationship with her Dad and just bring pain to everyone.

 

But I can also understand her wanting to know...she has lived with this doubt and possibly she wants closure. Also, I hate that she thinks that I lied to her about something so serious which has had such major consequences in her life (parent's divorce).

 

I'm really torn with this.

[sugarmomma]

Tell her the truth about him. Their relationship is none of your business. You don't want her to think you were lying for all these years. If it happened, it happened.

 

Better to deal in truth rather than lies.

[Kentucky Jelly]

I vote for telling the truth. I don't understand what can be gained by telling a lie.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

By all means, tell her the truth.

 

 

At the very least, restore your own dignity in her mind, regardless of whether you ever wish to see or speak to her again.

 

She may even have added data from other past playmates which matches perfectly with your story, and she may indeed gain something in the way of clarity as a result.

 

Be direct and CLEAR when telling her the details, and consider that to have told her when you were both 12 isn't sufficient for her "already knowing" the facts as they were.

 

Of course there are lots and lots of pressures in every direction once such a disclosure is made. The fact that she informed her mother puts your former playmate higher up on the respectability meter than would have been the case had she kept your statement to herself.

 

Just be honest and clear - it will be OK.

[QuiteConfused]

Thank you everybody. I will tell her the truth about what happened.

 

xoxoxo

[betterdeal]

"The truth will set you free."

 

Tell her the truth. Her parents divorce was not your fault. Her father's behaviour was almost certainly the main cause of the divorce. You were abused. He abused you. You have done nothing wrong. Your friend has chosen to ask you about this and therefore will be prepared for a yes or no answer. Why lie when you can tell the truth and keep your conscience clear?

 

Maybe he's done it again to someone else and your friend wants to clear the air between you, and repair the damage his abuse did to your friendship. Don't feel guilty - you have done nothing wrong and you have everything to gain and maintain by being honest.