Kamille Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 Does anyone struggle with a need for space when their SO's are visiting? When SO visits, he wants to spend every single moment together, in high romantic mode, and feels let down if I spend too much time doing other activities (like cleaning, cooking or setting up my apartment). I just started a new job, moved into a new place and consequently have loads of stuff to do on weekends (when he visits) just to keep on top of everything. To make all of this worse, I'm also someone who needs some down-time (alone-time) every day, or else I get cranky and impatient. We're trying to figure this out. He doesn't understand my need for space and I feel like it hurts him a little bit. For him, the rationale is: I haven't seen you in two weeks, I want to spend every minute I can together. I understand his argument in theory - and most of my friends sympathize with him - but I find it hard to put it into practice, especially since it means stepping over my own needs. It's making both of us questions our relationship. He feels it means I don't love him as much as he loves me. This makes me feel guilty and abnormal. It also makes me question myself: do I love him? Am I incapable of love? We never had this problem when we lived in the same town for the very simple reason that he wasn't as needy of my time. Solutions anyone? Anyone experience the same thing? Link to post Share on other sites
pandagirl Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 Hmm. I totally understand your need for time just to do your errands! I think what may be happening is your need for time, and his want to spend every minute with you, is just causing yourself to want to be around him less, and him being a little more clingy. Could you set it up like.. On a Saturday, you have to do errands during the daytime, but at night you make a big deal out of having a really romantic date? Maybe make him feel special, while still doing your stuff? Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 Solutions anyone? Anyone experience the same thing? Just finish setting the apt and you'll be eager to see him on the weekends. Is just that this is transition time. Take it easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted December 17, 2010 Author Share Posted December 17, 2010 Hmm. I totally understand your need for time just to do your errands! I think what may be happening is your need for time, and his want to spend every minute with you, is just causing yourself to want to be around him less, and him being a little more clingy. Could you set it up like.. On a Saturday, you have to do errands during the daytime, but at night you make a big deal out of having a really romantic date? Maybe make him feel special, while still doing your stuff? Yes, that's what we're trying to implement right now. I think emotions are running high right now, and we're getting stuck in them instead of trusting in the solution. And your analysis is right. I'm starting to want to be around him less because it feels like whatever I do, it's never enough. He's trying to be understanding. I'm trying to take the time I need without feeling guilty. But we can't seem to find the right middle ground, where his need for affection and my need for space (and an organized life) are sufficiently met. Just finish setting the apt and you'll be eager to see him on the weekends. Is just that this is transition time. Take it easy. Good point. I think I'm forgetting to give myself a break. I asked him to bear with me through the transition. The apartment is nearly all set up, and I feel like that's going to help us along. However, the next few months are going to be stressful at work, with likely a lot of overtime which will mean I will need my weekends to 'recuperate'. I'm trying to work on stress managements techniques, but the next few months will simply be hectic. Every person I talked to who has my job says the first year is tough. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 I'm trying to work on stress managements techniques, but the next few months will simply be hectic. Every person I talked to who has my job says the first year is tough. Well, setting the apt nicely is a good place to start.. Just be pro in the work and zen at home and you'll be fine. But do one thing at at time and have a cup of tea or something. Link to post Share on other sites
pandagirl Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 Yes, that's what we're trying to implement right now. I think emotions are running high right now, and we're getting stuck in them instead of trusting in the solution. And your analysis is right. I'm starting to want to be around him less because it feels like whatever I do, it's never enough. He's trying to be understanding. I'm trying to take the time I need without feeling guilty. But we can't seem to find the right middle ground, where his need for affection and my need for space (and an organized life) are sufficiently met. This is where my relationship with me and my ex went downhill, we couldn't find the middleground. I was more like your boyfriend, while my ex was very busy and frazzled with work and life. The BIG difference is you guys are able to communicate! One thing to make sure of. When you give him reassurance that you love him, make sure you are not in a state of feeling frazzled or stressed, because it comes off as seeming disingenuous, like you're just saying it to placate him. If you know your job is going to stressful in the next year, I think you'll boyfriend will just have to be understanding of that. Maybe a fun thing would to plan a weekend trip in the future with him. Would give both of you something to look forward to? Link to post Share on other sites
folieadeux Posted December 18, 2010 Share Posted December 18, 2010 I think my SO and I are still very much in the "honeymoon" phase of our relationship. When we visit each other, we don't spend much time apart and are very much content with that. I couldn't imagine it any other way at this point. We both have more than enough space when we're apart. I'm sure this will inevitably change when we live together, but that's the way it is for now. We have also been very fortunate too in that we are usually able to schedule time off of work to coordinate with our visits so we can stay home together. That may be too much for some people, but I'd give anything to see him more than once every 1-2 months. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted December 18, 2010 Share Posted December 18, 2010 If you are a person that needs your space, even when someone is spending the weekend with you, then you have to find someone who also needs their space also. This guy doesnt think like you, he wants to be all over you. This might be the thing that kills this relationship because he will only drive you away, set up apartment or not. Link to post Share on other sites
aerogurl87 Posted December 18, 2010 Share Posted December 18, 2010 I don't ever have this problem with my boyfriend so I can't fully relate. When I go to see him he's always on his regular schedule of going to work for 12+ hours a day, so I have lots of me time, lol. But I can understand that you would feel somewhat smothered if he is like that the entire time he visits you. If it were me, I'd sit him down and nicely tell him how I feel. I'd say something like "baby, I know you love me and love being with me since we don't get to be together everyday. But sometimes I need a little time for myself when I get home to just think, wind down, and get my thoughts together. I'd really appreciate it if you respected that and let me just have a few moments alone to myself at the end of the day." Something nice but to the point. Link to post Share on other sites
crystle600188 Posted December 18, 2010 Share Posted December 18, 2010 It may be slightly more costly for him, but why not just have him stay in a hotel. That way you can be together during the day then have the nights for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted December 19, 2010 Author Share Posted December 19, 2010 Sipping tea while watching a lovely "lazy" snowfall outside with a fire in the fireplace. I love Sundays! Thanks Ariadne for the lovely advice. This is where my relationship with me and my ex went downhill, we couldn't find the middleground. I was more like your boyfriend, while my ex was very busy and frazzled with work and life. The BIG difference is you guys are able to communicate! One thing to make sure of. When you give him reassurance that you love him, make sure you are not in a state of feeling frazzled or stressed, because it comes off as seeming disingenuous, like you're just saying it to placate him. If you know your job is going to stressful in the next year, I think you'll boyfriend will just have to be understanding of that. Maybe a fun thing would to plan a weekend trip in the future with him. Would give both of you something to look forward to? I really appreciate your advice on this Panda and I hope it doesn't stir any negative emotions. Bf was here this weekend. I booked all of yesterday off, making time for him and only him. I actually quite enjoyed it, because I really needed time off! I've been running around so much lately, what with trying to learn the ropes of my new job, finding a place, packing and unpacking stuff, etc etc etc. Making time for him made me realize why he was getting upset. I get quite distant when I'm preoccupied, always thinking about what I need to do next, and not being in the present with him. So the advice to make sure I make time for him worked wonderfully for the two of us and we got quite lovey-dovey together. I felt more relaxed and he really enjoyed it. So yes, when I told him I loved him, he could feel the love. I think it is because he also likes his alone time. Sometimes we are together in the room, but not really interacting with each other. He will be on the computer doing his thing and I will be doing mine. I think it is those times where we are lacking interaction that fulfills my need of being alone. I love those moments. He actually had a bit of work to do this weekend, so we got to hang out in the same room doing different things for awhile. I loved it. I love just having him around. We both came to the realization that while I respect his need for time, he tends to "crash" mine. So, as a joke, I started "crashing" his need for time by showing up, cuddling with him, telling him I love him, etc. At first he liked it, then he was like "honey I need to get this done" (I kept going, just as he does with me) and then he started laughing and said "okay, point taken!". I then found something else to do and we had a blissful "together but doing our own thing" afternoon. Plus once I start cleaning he is very good about scurrying away. I think he is afraid I will enlist him, or something. I don't mind it so much right now but in the future he'll have to pitch in more. I'm lucky, bf wants to help, but as the help usually involves a lot of affection, I eventually end up feeling flustered. Like: "Honey, I just want to get this done!". I think my SO and I are still very much in the "honeymoon" phase of our relationship. When we visit each other, we don't spend much time apart and are very much content with that. I couldn't imagine it any other way at this point. We both have more than enough space when we're apart. I'm sure this will inevitably change when we live together, but that's the way it is for now. We have also been very fortunate too in that we are usually able to schedule time off of work to coordinate with our visits so we can stay home together. That may be too much for some people, but I'd give anything to see him more than once every 1-2 months. I think it's personality styles. You might both be extroverted. Bf is extroverted. He loves having people around. I'm introverted. I love socializing, but I need time alone. That being said, and to answer Eddie Edirol's comment, I don't think this makes us so totally incompatible that we need to break up. I think everyone in this thread offered extremely helpful advice, from me learning to relax, to making time for him, to taking a trip, to asking for down time. I don't ever have this problem with my boyfriend so I can't fully relate. When I go to see him he's always on his regular schedule of going to work for 12+ hours a day, so I have lots of me time, lol. But I can understand that you would feel somewhat smothered if he is like that the entire time he visits you. He usually comes visit when I can take "time off", so when he visits, we're together 24-7. It's different when I go visit, because we both lived in that town at one point. He usually has work or other activities to do that gives me down time and I also have other friends to visit. We function much more like what I consider to be a "normal" couple. Unfortunately, my workload lately has meant that it's been easier for him to come visit than vice versa. It may be slightly more costly for him, but why not just have him stay in a hotel. That way you can be together during the day then have the nights for yourself. Oh no! This is good advice but the best part of the visit is, hmm, the bedtime activities. I want him to sleep over. I just have to be better about asking for my space when I need it, in the daytime. Link to post Share on other sites
Romance Posted December 24, 2010 Share Posted December 24, 2010 this really doesn't happen to me. I like him to run my errands with me. Link to post Share on other sites
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