What if she always insisted on paying for you?

[sally4sara]

You meet a lady you find interesting and start chatting. You agree to go out on a date. Nice conversation over dinner and you're happy to have met someone you find attractive and interesting.

 

The check comes. She insists on paying for you both.

 

A second date goes the same. The check comes. She insists on paying for you both.

 

And a third.

And a fourth.

 

So how do you feel about it fellas? Thanking your lucky stars? Feeling emasculated? Suspicious and not sure whats going on?

[samspade]

Hi Sally4Sara,

 

This is an interesting notion. But it's not as rare as you might think.

 

In my experience when a woman was really interested in me she would offer to pay frequently. Not every date, and probably not the first, since that one is often the lynchpin to her interest. If I could sense that she was doing this out of real interest, and not some sense of fairness because she thought otherwise, then I'd let her pay - sometimes. But not all the time.

 

It's worth mentioning that I never would go on expensive dates in the early stages, so I wouldn't have seen the offer as an extravagance, but as a charming gesture. I also never would go on a dinner date like that with someone I barely knew.

 

To me, it's not emasculating. It's a sign that a woman is interested. A woman who at least offers to pay is showing that she likes you. A woman who never offers is showing something worse - that she expects to be paid for (and likely without reciprocity).

[LoveAintEverything]

Seems like she is showing off or just really wants a relationship, so she is buying it from you? I think you should insist on paying for now on...

[112233]

So how do you feel about it fellas? Thanking your lucky stars? Feeling emasculated? Suspicious and not sure whats going on?

 

Interesting.

 

I always insist on paying, and I've never had any more than feeble resistance. If she insisted, I'd let her on the basis that I can get the next one. If she insisted again ... I'd not make a big deal of it. It's not a big deal and it's not worth a fuss, the date is not about who is paying for the food, after all. The bill is something to be dealt with as smoothly and quickly as possible. A necessary evil.

[Feelin Frisky]

I wouldn't let her own me. But if she wanted to pay for, say, the third date, I'd be OK.

[sally4sara]

I wouldn't let her own me. But if she wanted to pay for, say, the third date, I'd be OK.

 

What is it you own when you pay other than a meal you didn't get to digest? Is it some fecal fetish? I made you have a BM so now I own you? I won't let you own me by making me have a BM?

Or some obstacle in the ease of disposal? If the BM wasn't paid for by you, are you still legally allowed to flush the toilet?

[sumdude]

It would bother me. Don't know details why, just because.

[Feelin Frisky]

What is it you own when you pay other than a meal you didn't get to digest? Is it some fecal fetish? I made you have a BM so now I own you? I won't let you own me by making me have a BM?

Or some obstacle in the ease of disposal? If the BM wasn't paid for by you, are you still legally allowed to flush the toilet?

 

Whoa Nellie and hold the phone...Am I being faulted? LOL @ your jibes but I'm not sure how to take them. (In as much as you referenced BMs please be kind enough not to tell me to take the and shove 'em up my @ss.)

[sally4sara]

Whoa Nellie and hold the phone...Am I being faulted? LOL @ your jibes but I'm not sure how to take them. (In as much as you referenced BMs please be kind enough not to tell me to take the and shove 'em up my @ss.)

 

I try to examine social interactions and reaction by separating the logical from the illogical and see if they still make sense somehow. Thinking outside of the box. I do apologize if it results in humorous musings.

 

She buys you dinner - you feel owned. The bill charges for two meals -one she gets to eat and one she does not. You are not listed on the bill. Yet you feel owned if you ate a meal(s) she paid for.

 

I try to see how her buying your meal makes her own you. She bought the food. The food is in you and becomes something else - waste. So maybe its some Freudian style mental thing for you?

I do not mean a jibe at you. If there is something I'm missing in this you're always welcome to explain it further. I could be wrong in assuming, but I got the sense that feeling owned bothered you otherwise you'd not seek to change it. So maybe why you feel that way can be discovered and then you have one less instance in which you feel negative as a result?

[Str8noChaser]

Depends on my intentions with her. If I see her as a short term thing, I may let her pay as much as she wants to since I have no real plans for her.

 

You need to be careful in your quest to exert your independence that you don't portray yourself as a sugarmomma. MANY men will take advantage of the free meal and eventual sex to come.

 

So how do you feel about it fellas? Thanking your lucky stars? Feeling emasculated? Suspicious and not sure whats going on?

[Feelin Frisky]

I try to examine social interactions and reaction by separating the logical from the illogical and see if they still make sense somehow. Thinking outside of the box. I do apologize if it results in humorous musings.

 

She buys you dinner - you feel owned. The bill charges for two meals -one she gets to eat and one she does not. You are not listed on the bill. Yet you feel owned if you ate a meal(s) she paid for.

 

I try to see how her buying your meal makes her own you. She bought the food. The food is in you and becomes something else - waste. So maybe its some Freudian style mental thing for you?

I do not mean a jibe at you. If there is something I'm missing in this you're always welcome to explain it further. I could be wrong in assuming, but I got the sense that feeling owned bothered you otherwise you'd not seek to change it. So maybe why you feel that way can be discovered and then you have one less instance in which you feel negative as a result?

 

Wow. If I would have known this thread were going to be a psychological venus fly trap I'd at least have tried not to buzz. But seriously, I don't think of it as a power thing if I date someone and foot the bill. But I guess it is--I'm just not a person who considers power and advantage that much. Paying just gives me the power to freely opt out of this flirtation without feeling indebted. If the women pays for everything--especially if it is seemingly without end that she'll want to do this--I wouldn't feel the power and freedom to walk away if that is what is best. So, while I said "owned" I meant is figuratively and not as heavy-handed as it sounds. OK? May I go now?

[GorillaTheater]

Well, I might be a bit unsure of what was going on, exactly, but I sure would be tempted to push the envelope a bit.

 

"What would you think about lobster again tonight?"

 

"Wow honey, check out that Beretta So-4 shotgun! Uh oh. It costs 8 grand, darn it. Too bad, I sure would love to have something like that ..."

 

"Any thoughts on a 18 day safari to the Serengeti and Kilimanjaro?"

[sally4sara]

Depends on my intentions with her. If I see her as a short term thing, I may let her pay as much as she wants to since I have no real plans for her.

 

You need to be careful in your quest to exert your independence that you don't portray yourself as a sugarmomma. MANY men will take advantage of the free meal and eventual sex to come.

 

I see what you mean. The goad digger tip; it is probably the same for men. Men too can be taken advantage of by women who like yourself, would soak it up while knowing they have no long term plans for the guy. I'm not sure though if these same women would be different or how they would be different if they had intentions other than short term entertainment. Couldn't they still soak it up with long term intentions? Would they not soak it up BECAUSE they had long term intentions?

 

If you don't have only short term plans for a woman, how would you feel about her always picking up the bill? Or are you saying a woman who always picks up the bill would never be one you could make long term plans with?

[sally4sara]

Well, I might be a bit unsure of what was going on, exactly, but I sure would be tempted to push the envelope a bit.

 

"What would you think about lobster again tonight?"

 

"Wow honey, check out that Beretta So-4 shotgun! Uh oh. It costs 8 grand, darn it. Too bad, I sure would love to have something like that ..."

 

"Any thoughts on a 18 day safari to the Serengeti and Kilimanjaro?"

 

Well hey there! If she is a gazillionair there might not need to be any wonder about why she pays the bill!

[youngskywalker]

Maybe the girl has more money than what she knows what to do with. If that's the case then fine. Let her pay for you. Are you too prideful? I would be

 

With that said, It would bother me a little bit because I love to pay for almost all dates until things are established. Then it's nice to get some help.

 

But, if a girl wanted to pay for every other date that would be OK with me. Every date? Hmmmm I don't know. Just make sure you keep offering and go with it. Worry about it later.

[sally4sara]

Wow. If I would have known this thread were going to be a psychological venus fly trap I'd at least have tried not to buzz. But seriously, I don't think of it as a power thing if I date someone and foot the bill. But I guess it is--I'm just not a person who considers power and advantage that much. Paying just gives me the power to freely opt out of this flirtation without feeling indebted. If the women pays for everything--especially if it is seemingly without end that she'll want to do this--I wouldn't feel the power and freedom to walk away if that is what is best. So, while I said "owned" I meant is figuratively and not as heavy-handed as it sounds. OK? May I go now?

 

That is kinda what I was getting. I'm sure you knew that no matter who pays the bill, the other isn't owned LITERALLY. So I took it as potentially a feeling/ illogical thing. Especially after you take away all that is fact/logical - the actual food.

That sets it firmly in mental positioning. A power seat. To some people, picking up the tab is a power move.

 

But I wonder too if being the payee can be seen as a power move. While you feel empowered by paying - couldn't the other person also feel empowered by having gained something they didn't pay for or achieving some mental stroke for having resolved the bill through the one paying?

[112233]

Well, maybe I go to places that are too cheap, but to me the tab is just a detail that needs dealt with and it's not really a big deal. The only thing I hate is when someone wants to split it at the last minute and it's a distracting accounting mess in the middle of an otherwise nice date.

[Stockalone]

The check comes. She insists on paying for you both.

 

...

 

So how do you feel about it fellas? Thanking your lucky stars? Feeling emasculated? Suspicious and not sure whats going on?

 

Based on my personal experience with this, women who insisted on paying, never wanted to go on a second date.

 

Naturally, I would be highly suspicious and not really sure what to make of it if a woman insisted on paying for every date.

 

Honestly though, I am pretty sure I would feel weird. When it comes to dating, I believe in traditional gender roles. And paying for the date is a part of the courting process, trying to woo the woman.

[Feelin Frisky]

...couldn't the other person also feel empowered by having gained something they didn't pay for or achieving some mental stroke for having resolved the bill through the one paying?

 

You betcha. Therein lies a world of power some of which is abused by the opportunist and the heartless. ("Heartless" is figurative too, just FYI;)),

[sally4sara]

Based on my personal experience with this, women who insisted on paying, never wanted to go on a second date.

 

Naturally, I would be highly suspicious and not really sure what to make of it if a woman insisted on paying for every date.

 

Honestly though, I am pretty sure I would feel weird. When it comes to dating, I believe in traditional gender roles. And paying for the date is a part of the courting process, trying to woo the woman.

 

Is it conceivable tho that the conditions behind why it became part of the courting process have become not just obsolete, but also an obstacle to modern life expectations. Even a traditional person can see nothing is guaranteed. You could lose your spouse to an accident and not knowing or being well equipped on how to step in their shoes would be a bad thing. We don't toss a ready made husband at widowed SAHMs - so are the traditional gender roles a good thing to focus on in choosing a mate?

[NoLongerSad]

You meet a lady you find interesting and start chatting. You agree to go out on a date. Nice conversation over dinner and you're happy to have met someone you find attractive and interesting.

 

The check comes. She insists on paying for you both.

 

A second date goes the same. The check comes. She insists on paying for you both.

 

And a third.

And a fourth.

 

So how do you feel about it fellas? Thanking your lucky stars? Feeling emasculated? Suspicious and not sure whats going on?

 

 

Sally, what actually happened when you did this, that is, went out with some guy where you paid for all the dates?

[NoLongerSad]

What is it you own when you pay other than a meal you didn't get to digest? Is it some fecal fetish? I made you have a BM so now I own you? I won't let you own me by making me have a BM?

Or some obstacle in the ease of disposal? If the BM wasn't paid for by you, are you still legally allowed to flush the toilet?

 

 

Again: what happened in your own actual life when you went out with a man and paid for all the dates? How did he react in real life?

[fishtaco]

I'd be thanking my lucky stars. But I will feel bad, because I prefer 50-50 relationships. And eventually I would want to give back. Like maybe I'll try really hard in bed or something. Or a nice gift.

 

Usually when a woman isn't interested, she's more likely to go dutch, because she doesn't want to take advantage of the man. Or maybe she's interested but prefers 50-50 like me. Either way I have respect for her. But they don't normally pay for the man.

 

The only one woman I've been with that insisted on paying quite often was a stripper. She was young, and she was making buttloads of money, so she was throwing it around like nothing. Eventually things didn't work out, but it was because I didn't know how to date a stripper, as opposed to because she was paying or whatever. Well, for long term it wouldn't have worked out anyway. She was abused when she was a kid, both sexually and non-sexually. I feel bad for her, she's pretty damaged, but it's not up to me to fix her. I don't play the white knight, sorry.

[Stockalone]

Is it conceivable tho that the conditions behind why it became part of the courting process have become not just obsolete, but also an obstacle to modern life expectations. Even a traditional person can see nothing is guaranteed. You could lose your spouse to an accident and not knowing or being well equipped on how to step in their shoes would be a bad thing. We don't toss a ready made husband at widowed SAHMs - so are the traditional gender roles a good thing to focus on in choosing a mate?

 

I am not sure I get your point. I'm a man, not a woman. I couldn't possibly replace a mother.

 

If you are merely talking about mundane tasks, I can cook, clean, do the laundry, etc.. I don't need a woman for that. However, I hate doing the laundry (especially ironing), so I am truly grateful if a gf does that for me.

 

As far as I am concerned, believing in certain gender roles when it comes to dating is a good thing.

[Str8noChaser]

If you don't have only short term plans for a woman, how would you feel about her always picking up the bill? Or are you saying a woman who always picks up the bill would never be one you could make long term plans with?

 

I would say this. A woman I have plans for, anything beyond a fling but not necessarily a wife, as a man I would rather be the primary supporter.

 

Not saying a woman who always picks up the bill I would not see as long term material, but it will drastically change the dynamics of the relationship in a way that really wouldn't make me feel comfortable.

 

Think of Oprah, Martha Stewart type of women who do have a long term partner, but in the eyes of most men, they seem more to me "kept" men, than the man in the relationship.

 

Don't get me wrong, not saying men would just use you up, you may actually find a man that likes that arrangement and is good to you, but the "type" of man he is (alpha dominant aggressive vs. beta submissive passive) is what you are going to have to live with.

 

If you like assertive men, don't expect him to last long in that situation. If you are attracted to men who you can boss around and make the decisions, then keep doing what you are doing.