Dumped after 6 year relationship...

[elm3100]

I'm a 27 year old guy who has just been told by my gf of 6 years that she couldn't be with me anymore. She is also 27, and dropped the bomb right before she was to go to China on a trip with her sisters.

 

Her reason was that she couldn't wait for me to commit to her (eg. moving in together and getting married) even though things only just became stable for her. Things have been reasonably stable with me, although my schedule is completely different from hers. I work 7 days on/7 off, and she works a regular 9-5 job.

 

She is frustrated with not being able to find work in her career, and is going crazy because she lives at home and wants to leave. I think she is also extremely jealous of her sisters because they both have good jobs and her youngest sister is probably going to get married before she does.

 

We love each other very much, but lately we have both lacked energy in the relationship, and she has become somewhat emotionally distant in the past few months. I think it has more to do with her situation than with any problems with us.

 

She doesn't seem to understand that forcing the issue of marriage and moving out will only drive me further away. Pretty much all of our talks about the future began with her getting all emotional and asking me when I was ready. This to me was not the best way of attempting to get me on board with her program, especially considering that many of those attempts were made when one or both of us were not prepared to do so. What helped even less is on many of those occasions, we were usually drunk.

 

The funny thing is, over the past few months i've taken the idea of a future more seriously, specifically following through with moving out and whatnot.

I've not been overly vocal about our future, which is a huge mistake on my part. I felt that I needed to get my student debt down to a more manageable level before I could do anything drastic. Of course, once emotion has already taken over, this talk of managing finances sounds to her like an excuse to string her along. She does not fully understand the consequences of being in debt in a true sense (ie. to a bank) because there's always the Bank of Dad.

 

Last night I arranged an emergency meeting with her father, to try and gain some understanding into the situation. What surprised me was that she had never spoken with any detail about her relationship with me. He seemed to agree that she made a rash decision, and told me he would talk with her when he goes to meet up with his daughters later in their vacation.

 

At this point, I have no idea what I should do. This happened so suddenly that no one saw it coming. I'd like to think that this is her way of saying she's at the limit of her patience with everything, and that it wasn't directed particularly at me. Of course, I could be wrong.

 

Please offer any suggestions or advice. This is driving me insane...

[Mrlonelyone]

Seven years... you know in some states after that period your what they call common law married.

 

If you really want to keep her, marry her. If you aren't sure after seven years you never will be.

[elm3100]

Seven years... you know in some states after that period your what they call common law married.

 

If you really want to keep her, marry her. If you aren't sure after seven years you never will be.

 

I want to marry her, but she won't answer the phone and now she's out of the country. I get the feeling that she won't answer because she can't and doesn't want to explain herself. Everyone i've spoken to, including her father thinks that she made a mistake and called it off for the wrong reasons.

[sirweasles]

gonna have to say this relationship is about you and her and nobody else going to her father may have put a thorn in it best suggestion would be to let her have a good time while she is away and then ask her out on a date when she returns if that goes well ask her on another and then you can talk about things let her breath and let her make her decision becouse other wise it will be a lost battle for sure

[elm3100]

Seven years... you know in some states after that period your what they call common law married.

 

If you really want to keep her, marry her. If you aren't sure after seven years you never will be.

 

gonna have to say this relationship is about you and her and nobody else going to her father may have put a thorn in it best suggestion would be to let her have a good time while she is away and then ask her out on a date when she returns if that goes well ask her on another and then you can talk about things let her breath and let her make her decision becouse other wise it will be a lost battle for sure

 

Call me stubborn, but I think she's the one that needs to send the olive branch, not me.

[Treasa]

Call me stubborn, but I think she's the one that needs to send the olive branch, not me.

 

I agree in a sense, because she broke up with you, but I was with my most recent ex for six years, too, and he never made the initiative to ask me to marry him, either. Every excuse came up. Now I'm glad I'm not with him. I want to be with someone who loves me enough to want to marry me. It's more the intent than anything.

 

And if you wait to marry someone until your finances are perfect, you aren't ever getting married. Something will always come up, and I am excellent with my finances.

[homebrew]

Dude... This is going to seem strange coming for someone who is 38, never been married or engaged... but I have to tell you this.

 

If your EX was my sister or a girlfriend of mine, I would have told her to dump your a55 years ago. Are you out of your mind? Do you not understand what it takes for a women to stay in a relationship for 7 years when you still haven't stepped up to the plate?

 

The fact that you think you are the victim and she needs to reach out to you just shows your arrogance, your complete lack of insensitivity to when it comes to her needs and desires which by the way, was to be married to you.

 

The point is... life happens! If you are waiting for the perfect time and perfect situation before you ask someone to marry you... You might as well give up and never bother considering it.

 

Do you think that once you are married, that life doesn't get in the way of that also? If so, you are sadly mistaken!

 

Your EX deserves a metal for 1) staying as long as she did 2) It's clear to me that you are either a complete moron or you are just a selfish a55.

 

For her sake, I hope she doesn't come back and finds a REAL MAN! A real man when he sees what he wants, he goes for it and makes it happen! A real man, doesn't makes excuses or let life and other petty stuff get in his way! You sir, are not that man!

Edited December 18, 2010 by homebrew

[dk.bnz.chi]

there is a 3rd party involved. her actions make no sense

[elm3100]

I agree in a sense, because she broke up with you, but I was with my most recent ex for six years, too, and he never made the initiative to ask me to marry him, either. Every excuse came up. Now I'm glad I'm not with him. I want to be with someone who loves me enough to want to marry me. It's more the intent than anything.

 

And if you wait to marry someone until your finances are perfect, you aren't ever getting married. Something will always come up, and I am excellent with my finances.

 

 

That's just the thing. I think it was a very valid reason to not invite personal bankruptcy just to satisfy her impatience, but she treated it like my excuse for being unwilling to commit. The thing is, we both went through school multiple times and went through several careers in those six years we were together.

 

I took out a bank loan and paid for school myself, while she paid for school with a "loan" from her dad. When I made wrong decisions as we all do, it cost me thousands of hard-earned dollars and years of lost time, never mind all the time it took to pay that back. When she made the wrong decisions it never cost her any more than the time she spent at school.

 

Fast forward to recently, she just finished a third round of school and planned to change careers yet again. I only just landed a stable job in my field and she's having trouble finding relevant work. It doesn't help her frustration that her younger sisters have basically both surpassed her. I feel like she does not acknowledge her responsibility for her situation, and I was made the scapegoat. All I was doing was busting my ass trying to get closer to this future we were apparently going to have, only to have her tell me she couldn't wait any longer.

 

The part that kills me is that we were so close to taking the next step. I tried to reason with her but by that point I might as well have been talking to a brick wall. She was adamant that things do not, and will not ever work out for us. I could have been more tactful about the way I handled it, and i'm having trouble maintaining some sense of dignity about the whole thing.

 

She's pretty torn up about it, but i'm not sure if she will make the first move. I am going out of my mind trying to restrain myself from doing anything else stupid, so here I am venting to a community of complete strangers.

[homebrew]

Dude... You are showing your a55 again!

 

Who cares if her sisters make more money than her! That is completely irrelevant and superficial and does not define who someone is, their character, their morals, their values or their capacity to love and be loved.

 

Your job, your money, your ability to walk, your health is not a measure of who or what you are as a person. Any and all of that can be taken away in a car wreck or a serious illness.

 

Did your EX had planned on having your children and staying home with them? If so, what does it matter what she is doing now?

 

What would have happened if your EX thought the same way you did?

 

She would have thought you were a LOSER and DUMPED you for not figuring your crap out until you were 27! I am sure there were plenty of other men that she met that were way ahead of you for the last 7 years! The fact is... She NEVER SAW YOU IN THAT WAY! She loved you for you, plain and simple. She stuck by you, she believed in you, she supported you and was there through through thick and thin! That is RARE and THAT says a lot about her, her love for you and what you meant to her! I wish you well on finding someone like her again!

 

My case in point:

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 36. Shortly there after she had both of her breasts removed, for a long period of time she lost all of her hair. She eventually was unable to walk (in a wheelchair) and needed help using the bathroom on her own before finally dying at the age of 41.

 

Now throughout that time, my father raised 5 young kids (he had to pick up the load due to my mothers illness), ran his own business and took care of my mother all on his own! Never once did he complain, stop caring or stop loving her! He was there for her, for me and my brothers and sisters. He never lost his love or his attraction for my mother (without breasts, without hair, etc.) because of her illness! He simply love her and did not know any other way to be! He was a REAL MAN and my mother was lucky to be with him... He felt the exact same way about her too. Which is why he did everything in his power to be there for her, support her, take care of her and love her... No matter what the situation was! If the shoe was on the other foot, my mother would have done the exact same for my father.

 

Now you want to complain and not being able to marry a women who you say you loved and dated for 7 years because she has student loans and doesn't know what career she wants. You have the audacity to suggest her sisters are better than her because they make more money and she is more or less beneath you now because you have "arrived" at the tender age of 27...

 

You sir, have no idea or concept of what LOVE is! You are an insecure and shallow man who gets his self-worth, identity and opinion of himself based on what other people think.

 

Grow up! Quit being a hypocrite! Quit making up lame excuses as to why you didn't man up! Quit judging yourself and your EX by others! Quit worrying about stuff you have no control over!

 

I am serious... If you were dating one of my sisters... I would do everything in my power to break you two up! Your EX deserves a freaking metal dealing with you...

Edited December 18, 2010 by homebrew

[Mrlonelyone]

@homebrew.

 

I did not read that he was saying his Ex's sisters are better than his Ex. I think he was saying in a nutshell : "My ex has various reasons to feel insecure and blames me for her problems."

 

Which is something that can happen allot in relationships. One partner begins to resent the other.

[homebrew]

@homebrew.

 

I did not read that he was saying his Ex's sisters are better than his Ex. I think he was saying in a nutshell : "My ex has various reasons to feel insecure and blames me for her problems."

 

Which is something that can happen allot in relationships. One partner begins to resent the other.

 

Regardless... With his logic and thought process... It's still clear that he has his own set of problems he needs to address. Being emotionally retarded is the main one in my view!

[elm3100]

Homebrew,

 

Your father sounds like a magnificent man for pulling all of that off. I am glad that you have such a positive role model in your life.

 

As for the topic at hand, I do not believe myself or her sisters to be better people than her just because we have careers. I never meant to judge her. She herself has had blowups admitting that she was insanely jealous of her sisters and sick that her career wasn't where she wanted it. She was very down on herself because she didn't see the same success in herself as she saw in them. She also had the far-fetched idea in her head that a good job was just going to fall in her lap. Mind you, she wasn't doing a whole lot to get one. Regardless of what she did I was always there for her and love her very much. The only thing that mattered to me in the end was that she was happy. I wouldn't have left her for anything. If she was to lose her work, I would never rest just in order to support us both.

 

I don't think you quite have your facts right. I'm the one with student loans and she's the one without. She wanted to move ahead with the future, but in the present needs to figure her own things out. She's never had to seriously budget, and she's only remotely been in financial trouble because she was unwilling to find even part-time work. Even then, there was never a threat that the roof over her head was going to go away. She is the one with the unrealistic and superficial viewpoints, but I think a healthy dose of reality with soon change that, with or without me in her life.

 

I appreciate your honesty, and I acknowledge that there was a lot more that I could have done before and during the relationship I had with her. I do not agree with your point of view that this is entirely my fault as there are two parts to this matter. You've also made it abundantly clear that I am a top-class loser, so spare me the commentary this time.

[homebrew]

^^^^^^ That is great to hear! ^^^^^^^^

 

PS - If you want her back... All you have to do in your case, is show up with a ring and ask her to marry you.

 

You do that... She is all yours!

[Mrlonelyone]

^^^^^^ That is great to hear! ^^^^^^^^

 

PS - If you want her back... All you have to do in your case, is show up with a ring and ask her to marry you.

 

You do that... She is all yours!

 

Agreed she basically gave you an ultimatum. Propose to her... if she says no what have you really lost at this point? If she says yes then you have gained a wife who is a time tested and trustable companion.

[RBA80]

That's bull****. Just because your with someone for 7years means I have to get married to her, or she should leave. **** that. If you really loved someone you would realize that your happy with them no matter, no matter how much time has passed. Married or not. Women just don't want to wait. Ok lets get married while I have a ****ty job and no place to live. Sounds great doesn't it. Or would you rather wait until I have a solid job and can buy you that nice house or wedding ring. I know people always say I got married when I was broke, but guess what over 50% of marriages end because of financial trouble. Women just don't understand what its like to be a man and really want to provide for you but can't at a specific time. We know you want to get married. Men want to get married to, but with things in order. At least I do. Sorry she left, but maybe its for the best. I know 7years is a long time, but she should be happy with you married or not. Just my view.

[homebrew]

RBA80,

 

I hear what you are saying... How many women do you know that will date you for 7 years, have a child together and not be married?

 

I'm guessing 95% of the women would not sign up for that.

 

So now of the 5% available... you have to find a good one, one that is happy, one that will like you back, etc.

 

Good luck with that... You have your work cut out for you!

[elm3100]

Women just don't understand what its like to be a man and really want to provide for you but can't at a specific time. We know you want to get married. Men want to get married to, but with things in order.

 

I completely agree with this statement. I think alot of women do not thoroughly understand the pressures men endure, and often are oblivious to them. If we are open about our issues and we are labelled whiny and needy, while if we don't say anything then we are "bottling it up".

 

We are bound by our pride and ego not to say a word.

[elm3100]

I heard today from my EX's father that they talked, and she would consider talking to me. He said the rest was up to us. Her and I have been NC since she left for vacation in mid December. This is particularly awkward because she dumped me, and it was over christmas holidays of all times.

 

I have absolutely, positively no idea what to do. I thought I had it figured out and was making plans for life after her. I'd like to say i'm not back to square one because I still feel like I made a ton of progress towards myself in such a short time.

 

I respectfully welcome any and all advice that the seasoned veterans of LS might have for this situation.

[Duckduckgoose]

I was really trying to keep my typing to myself on this one... I swear it. I thought at first that maybe Homebrew was being kind of harsh on you. I really wanted to empathize with you

 

But then you go and post

 

I completely agree with this statement. I think alot of women do not thoroughly understand the pressures men endure, and often are oblivious to them. If we are open about our issues and we are labelled whiny and needy, while if we don't say anything then we are "bottling it up".

 

We are bound by our pride and ego not to say a word.

 

I just want to slap the **** out of you now. Pride and ego take a backseat to someone you are supposed to love and care about. End of story.

 

Your pride and ego won't keep you warm at night, and it won't have the women beating your door down either.

[homebrew]

I was really trying to keep my typing to myself on this one... I swear it. I thought at first that maybe Homebrew was being kind of harsh on you. I really wanted to empathize with you

 

But then you go and post

 

 

 

I just want to slap the **** out of you now. Pride and ego take a backseat to someone you are supposed to love and care about. End of story.

 

Your pride and ego won't keep you warm at night, and it won't have the women beating your door down either.

 

Hahahaha!

 

DuckDuckGoose, I had this guy nailed from day one.

 

That is why I was so hard on him... He needed another guy to give him the "MAN UP" speech... To bad he didn't listen.

 

It's still all about him...

 

elm3100,

 

Below is my advice that I gave you before... It still holds true in your situation. NOTE: Her FATHER now wants you to MAN UP too!

 

Dude... This is going to seem strange coming for someone who is 38, never been married or engaged... but I have to tell you this.

 

If your EX was my sister or a girlfriend of mine, I would have told her to dump your a55 years ago. Are you out of your mind? Do you not understand what it takes for a women to stay in a relationship for 7 years when you still haven't stepped up to the plate?

 

The fact that you think you are the victim and she needs to reach out to you just shows your arrogance, your complete lack of insensitivity to when it comes to her needs and desires which by the way, was to be married to you.

 

The point is... life happens! If you are waiting for the perfect time and perfect situation before you ask someone to marry you... You might as well give up and never bother considering it.

 

Do you think that once you are married, that life doesn't get in the way of that also? If so, you are sadly mistaken!

 

Your EX deserves a metal for 1) staying as long as she did 2) It's clear to me that you are either a complete moron or you are just a selfish a55.

 

For her sake, I hope she doesn't come back and finds a REAL MAN! A real man when he sees what he wants, he goes for it and makes it happen! A real man, doesn't makes excuses or let life and other petty stuff get in his way! You sir, are not that man!

Edited January 5, 2011 by homebrew

[Duckduckgoose]

I am a woman though haha.

 

I just read that and was like... yeah I am a female.

[homebrew]

I already knew you were female...

 

The Guy above is too!

[Duckduckgoose]

He just needs to propose to her and be done with it. They will probably need to get some pre-marriage therapy to address some issues but otherwise the girl seems like a keeper if she stuck around for 7 years.

 

Also, can I get your 2cents on my situation? You can find it in the separation/divorce section.

 

I also wonder why you haven't got married yet? Your advice seems pretty solid and it seems like a woman would appreciate that about you.

[homebrew]

Also, can I get your 2cents on my situation? You can find it in the separation/divorce section.

 

Sure... I will hop on over shortly and take a look!

 

I also wonder why you haven't got married yet? Your advice seems pretty solid and it seems like a woman would appreciate that about you.

 

How much time do you have?

 

Also, it's easy giving advice from the cheap seats!