Hubby is making my head hurt . . . BAD!

[legaldis]

New here. Glad I found this forum, because I need advice.....and pronto!

 

My husband and I have been married 12 years, together 13. We have one child, an 11 year old daughter. I am a legal assistant working full time, he is retired law enforcement.

 

My husband recently lost his job and hasn't found another yet. We are surviving, but that is it! This problem I am going to discuss has increased TENFOLD since losing his job.

 

My husband constantly complains that I do not give him enough attention. He thinks that when we are together, I should have my hand on him, in some way, every minute. He thinks I should automatically know that he needs his back scratched or massaged, and I should do those things and that I should WANT to put lotion on him, cut his hair and clip his toenails! Let me preface this by saying, I don't mind doing those things (except maybe the toenails), but FOR PETE'S sake do I really have to do them ALL THE TIME?

 

I love my husband dearly, I really do, he is an amazing man, but sometimes I think what he really wants is a mother, not a wife. This is just one example of something that leads me to believe this. He thinks I should "notice" if he is out of water, and just automatically get up and get him a glass, if I am getting up to get something for myself. He does this for me, but I certainly don't ask him to, I am a grown woman, if I need a drink, I will get it!!! As I said, that is just one example. There are many, many other things similar to that which he expects and thinks since I am his wife and I love him, I should do them for him, without his asking.

 

The other thing is, he says I don't tell him enough how attractive he is. He IS an extremely attractive man, and I tell him, something along the lines of "those jeans look great on you," or since he has been working out a lot lately, "you have lost a lot of weight, you look great!" He thinks, again, that I should daily tell him how "hot" and "sexy" he looks. I guess I am having a really hard time with it, because it feels funny to just out of the blue say, hey, you look sexy. I don't need him to tell me how good I look on a daily basis (although he does), so I guess I don't get why I NEED to say something daily about how attractive he is.

 

Since he has been out of work, I don't want him sitting around doing nothing (which he would), so I leave him a list of things to do. Not normal housekeeping duties, but extras, so to speak. Like, well, I don't know, organizing the garage room (recently enclosed two car garage), or groom the dogs, or start doing some of the geneology research I have been wanting to do. I am NOT trying to be bossy, but just give him a little push. Well, guess what? Today, I get an email at work that says that he "secretly likes for me to boss him around" I found that VERY odd, and it is just one more thing that makes me think he is looking at me as a mother figure of sorts.

 

Well, that turned out longer than I expected. But, to wrap it up, WHAT DO I DO? I want him to be happy, he, more than anyone I know deserves to be happy. He is a hard worker and always has been, he is an amazing dad and I know that he loves me unconditionally, but, I don't know how to do all of the things he wants me to do.

[EnigmasMuse]

You said he was retired but then said he lost his job...so did he get another type of job after his retirement? I was going to say maybe he was somewhat depressed, but doesn't appear that way if he is wanting you to do all of these things for him.

 

Was he like this when he worked? Or did you see the change after he retired?

[legaldis]

Should have been a little more clear. He is not "retired" from law enforcement so much as he was instructed by physicians (due to a heart issue) to leave that field of work. So, he went in to management, but lost that job.

 

Yes, he was like this BEFORE he left law enforcement, just not to this extent.

[Iconoclast]

He's a man without a job, to many, perhaps most men, this an affirmation of his worth, to himself and to his family. He's probably much needier now that it is absent, and he's looking to you to make up for it. He's probably down right now, is putting extra effort to make him feel wanted, necessary, that difficult?

 

You shouldn't NEED to tell him daily how attractive he is, or make him feel attractive with your actions. You should be doing this daily because you DESIRE to do it, and even if you don't, really, where's the harm?

 

Maybe the next time you get up you could say "I'm getting a drink, need anything?"

 

Sounds kinda like he does this for you without being asked, probably does it because he loves you, and wonders why it isn't reciprocal.

 

Sounds like there is no problem, sounds like you need to step up the game a bit, is it really that difficult?

 

Or, you could just let it go, let it build, and someday Mr. Handsome will start to notice that there are others who will easily meet those needs. It's not right, it's quite horrible, but that's part of the pattern, and it's real.

 

Likes to be bossed around by you? Perhaps he's got a bit of wanting to play the submissive. Try taking control in bed, put a little playful aggression in it, may be something new for you guys to enjoy.

[whichwayisup]

Should have been a little more clear. He is not "retired" from law enforcement so much as he was instructed by physicians (due to a heart issue) to leave that field of work. So, he went in to management, but lost that job.

 

Yes, he was like this BEFORE he left law enforcement, just not to this extent.

 

Aww, in one sense, he seems like a loving teddy bear, who is affectionate and needs alot of affection... But... Considering Law Enforcement aka cop? I assume? Most tend to have (not saying your H is one) many narcissistic traits, big ego's..And combo that with how your H has some old school ways of thinking about women in general, that is who he is.

 

Try to laugh it off. Sure, scratch his back, cuddle him, touch him, do nice things for him, (does he do the same back to you? or is this one sided?) and just let him know you aren't his slave, not your job to basically wipe his butt.

 

He needs a hobby!!

[BellaBellaBella]

Sounds like he doesn't want a mother, he is at a loss right now with self worth and needs admiration. Majority of men top two emotional needs are admiration and sexual fulfillment. He lost his "hero" job due to health restrictions and he needs the ego boost.

 

As for admitting he likes some structure it come be submission and dominance or it could be an adjustment from a structure hirarchy in the police department to being home. I left corporate america and was at a loss with what to do with my time. Seems like he is appreciating your direction.

 

Perhaps some honest communication and more of a calender sorta of deal would be in order. If your working, he can take care of laundry and that sort of thing.

[jsb58]

Being insecure and being a baby are two different things. If you don't want to cut his toenails, don't.

Encourage the positive, minimize the negative. If he feels that he has purpose and value, he might be less needy.

[Quiet Storm]

The job loss has probably affected his sense of worth.

 

I understand what you mean, though. When a man acts too needy, it can get annoying.

 

Still, I would give him what he is asking for. I wouldn't jump up whenever he needs a drink, but if you are already heading to the kitchen...

 

I don't think he looks to you as a mother, he just wants you to be sensitive to his needs.

 

Just because you are independent and don't ask for anything, doesn't mean he is like that.. or should be like you.

 

Men like to be admired, validated, noticed. I have discovered that even though it isn't totally natural for me to do all those things for my H, it pays off. My willingness to please my H, results in his willingness to please me.

 

Marriage is a give and take. Sometimes you should do things for your spouse, even if you don't feel like it. He is telling you what he wants, some men keep it inside and get disappointed...and have an affair to get admiration and validation. As his wife, strive to meet his needs, and you may find that he is eager to meet yours.