A most ignoble act ....

[Kismetly]

I've done a really crappy thing.

 

I've spent the past week with my lover. We've both been working while we've been together and laptops have just been left around as casually as novels and magazines.

 

One day we were sitting next to each other and he wanted to show me an e-mail. He opened his e-mail in front of me and there were 2 e-mails there from the day before from his partner. I noticed it, but didn't say anything. After he closed the e-mail he wanted to show me he left the screen open and asked me if seeing the e-mails from his partner worried me. I shook my head. Said something along the lines of "none of my business". He said she's applying for a new job. It'll be good for her if she gets it. Subject closed.

 

A bit of background ... A couple of nights before we met up I lost it with him. I'd had a few glasses of wine and was sparking. I took it up to him about how disrespectful this is to his partner. How I didn't understand how he could respect me for engaging in this thing. How he should think about it from her point of view, she's a woman at home who thinks her partner is working away from home to build a future for her and her family (that's what I've made up in my head about their marital situation, not his story) and he's shagging and becoming increasingly involved with a colleague. That's just crap. (I was outrageous ... I sounded like the most hardline fBS ... I was kind of impressed how easily I could slip into that mindset)

 

I said some pretty truthful and I suspect painful things (it's like I resent me having to be the one to be strong and end it, when I'm not the one who's betraying anything. Why can't he man up and accept it's wrong and just say "You know what Kismet - this isn't me, I want to can this thing with you until I get my ***** together and then we'll see where we stand".)

 

Eventually, he just stopped me and said "Look it's painful to even listen to these things that you are saying and I can't' bear to think of the pain you are going through if that's the stuff you are thinking about. I'm stepping off this dancefloor. I can't do this to you."

 

I went to bed convinced it was over. I was done.

 

He sent me an e-mail early the next morning. It was heartfelt and sincere and said more about his current situation than he has ever said - or should I say I've ever given him the space to say.

 

He said it's true that he's more over the relationship than his partner is, but he's talked to her about it and she understands he's considering leaving the marriage. HE said it's not a matter of if he's leaving, but when he's leaving. He said things have changed for him and they had long before I came along. It was a nice e-mail, but I'm pretty cynical (and filled with worst case scenario LS disease).

 

In the end I decided to go on the trip and he and I decided to just pretend the conversation had ever happened. (In hindsight that sounds pretty lame.) The real reason I decided to go is because I'm quite simply addicted to him. I wanted to be with him. Regardless of all the risk, all the subterfuge, all the uncertainty and not-quite-trust I still wanted to spend time with him. What's with that?

 

Anyway, back to the new low I find myself at ... one afternoon he was out and his laptop was open on the desk.

 

I looked up the e-mails between him and his partner.

 

I've never looked at another person's e-mail before. It's sacrosanct. As sacrosanct as never opening someone's mail. You don't go there. I went there.

 

Perhaps the worst part was that what I read simply proved he is finally being honest with me. The e-mails evidenced a woman who understand's her husband is slipping away and is trying desperately to cling (in a pretty dignfied way) to him and a man completely disinterested in engaging in even the most basic of dialogue with her. It was horrible.

 

So, on the one hand I have the proof I wanted that he wasn't just playing me, actually living a happy double life. On the other hand, no matter what he says, his marriage may have been in trouble before I came along, but me being in the picture certainly isn't helping matters.

 

But the thing I'm most worried about - is what does it say about my state of mind that I stooped so low as to read someone's private e-mails? That's just really bad behaviour and really bad karma.

[whichwayisup]

Be honest and tell him the truth. You owe him that much.

 

You invaded his personal email and reguardless of what you found out (what if it had been the opposite??? How would you have reacted?) he needs to know what you did. Or, can you hold that lie in?

[Kismetly]

Be honest and tell him the truth. You owe him that much.

 

You invaded his personal email and reguardless of what you found out (what if it had been the opposite??? How would you have reacted?) he needs to know what you did. Or, can you hold that lie in?

 

You mean forgiveness doesn't come from confessing to an annonymous bulletin board?

 

I get that I should tell him. Just trying to figure out the best way to present the fact that I'm - unstable enough to be compelled to read his personal e-mail. There's not many ways to make that attractive.

[Kismetly]

It's funny how you keep referring his WIFE as his "partner."

 

She is his "partner", they've never married.

 

In RL I actually do refer to her as his wife ... cause might as well be.

[woinlove]

You mean forgiveness doesn't come from confessing to an annonymous bulletin board?

 

I get that I should tell him. Just trying to figure out the best way to present the fact that I'm - unstable enough to be compelled to read his personal e-mail. There's not many ways to make that attractive.

 

Affairs are usually pretty addictive both ways. I think once people have hooked up for a bit in an affair, you'd almost have to commit a felony to get them to back off because of your bad behavior. Really. It's not like a relationship between two single people where you would typically be more critical about the long-term partner potential of the person. I think confessing this won't even register as a blip on the continuation of the affair.

[BB07]

You mean forgiveness doesn't come from confessing to an annonymous bulletin board?

 

I get that I should tell him. Just trying to figure out the best way to present the fact that I'm - unstable enough to be compelled to read his personal e-mail. There's not many ways to make that attractive.

 

 

Well Kismetly........being an OW can make you even more unstable as evidenced here at least every week. I hope you keep that in mind and realize that it can happen to you. Don't fool yourself is the point I'm trying to make.

 

I'm curious about his responses to his wife......was he gentle and kind or ?

[Kismetly]

As you said: you're addicted to him. And I do feel that women are curious by nature.

 

Looking at the emails doesn't seem to be the problem. The problem is that you shouldn't be involved in the marriage of this hurting woman. If there are really problems, the marriage should be allowed to end on it's own, and without your being the nail in the coffin.

 

Yeah - I get that .... but why is it my responsibility to do all the breaking up and staying strong? I'm not betraying any vows, implied or otherwise, that I've made. I get that this is not OK ... but why do I have to be the grown up?

 

(I know I sound like a petulant brat ... )

[Kismetly]

Affairs are usually pretty addictive both ways. I think once people have hooked up for a bit in an affair, you'd almost have to commit a felony to get them to back off because of your bad behavior. Really. It's not like a relationship between two single people where you would typically be more critical about the long-term partner potential of the person. I think confessing this won't even register as a blip on the continuation of the affair.

 

You know I think you're right Woinlove - and I think I'm really bothered by that.

 

I think he'll be pleased that I've seen for myself that he's telling the truth and will get off his case about it once and for all. And I think that now that I know he's telling the truth, I may let him off the hook more easily ... and that doesn't say much about my judgement.

[Kismetly]

Well Kismetly........being an OW can make you even more unstable as evidenced here at least every week. I hope you keep that in mind and realize that it can happen to you. Don't fool yourself is the point I'm trying to make.

 

I'm curious about his responses to his wife......was he gentle and kind or ?

 

 

I'm really working on the not fooling myself part BB. I'm really working on it.

 

He was gentle - but aloof and very distant. I read about a dozen chains between them The chains were never more than 1 or 2 exhanges. They e-mail probably every other day. All of the e-mails he initiated were links of things to give to the kids. Most of hers were just about the kids - but there were 2 that were personal and sad. One was that his little boy said I miss Dad - and then she made a shy comment that she missed him too.

 

He'd been talking about staying at work for christmas. He's got a whole lot of drama at work (and I suspect doesn't want to face what's going on at home). He'd been talking to me about it and I told him he was crazy - it was totally important to go home to his family for christmas and take a break from his crazy job and get a dose of the kids etc. One of her e-mails was from the time he was thinking about not going home and she made the comment that he'd do what he wanted to, but it would be "devestating" for them wasn't with them at christmas. There was no response by him to either of those e-mails.

 

Her's all end with xxx and ooo. He doesn't even initial his back to her.

Edited December 18, 2010 by Kismetly

[jthorne]

So you snooped, so you found out that their common-law M isn't a bed of roses. So what? She still doesn't know he's having sex with someone else, he still hasn't moved out, he still hasn't ended the R with her. You are still the hidden secret, the other woman.

 

So really, what's changed except you confirming that you are so mistrustful of him as to check his email?

[ladydesigner]

I'm really working on the not fooling myself part BB. I'm really working on it.

 

He was gentle - but aloof and very distant. I read about a dozen chains between them The chains were never more than 1 or 2 exhanges. They e-mail probably every other day. All of the e-mails he initiated were links of things to give to the kids. Most of hers were just about the kids - but there were 2 that were personal and sad. One was that his little boy said I miss Dad - and then she made a shy comment that she missed him too.

 

He'd been talking about staying at work for christmas. He's got a whole lot of drama at work (and I suspect doesn't want to face what's going on at home). He'd been talking to me about it and I told him he was crazy - it was totally important to go home to his family for christmas and take a break from his crazy job and get a dose of the kids etc. One of her e-mails was from the time he was thinking about not going home and she made the comment that he'd do what he wanted to, but it would be "devestating" for them wasn't with them at christmas. There was no response by him to either of those e-mails.

 

Her's all end with xxx and ooo. He doesn't even initial his back to her.

 

This is very sad. I really feel for his kids. I hope he makes a decision one way or another. To keep a family hanging on like that is dreadful. Not a good position to be in for anybody.

[Kismetly]

Thanks to the original poster and her affair with those kids' dad.

 

OK - I can see how you could see it that way.

 

I guess that's the dilemma for me. I am not the cause of their marital problems, I'm certainly a big ugly boil-like symptom, but I am not the cause. They were in trouble well before I came along.

 

Sure, he hasn't had the balls to do the "right" thing and formally end one relationship before he starts another one. He lied to me at the beginning (in the one and only conversation we had about his marital status in the first 6 months of our thing) and said he was separated. For me, it was only going to be a fling so I never pressed the issue. When I'd been gone from there 6 months and we were still continuing in a LDR I pushed the envelope to find out the real story. He's slowly been opening up.

 

In some ways I understand why he doesn't want to rock the boat. It's not like his marriage is a day to day proposition. He is only there a couple of days a fortnight (if that), he says "when I go home to see the kids, it's like staying at a mates place... it's comfortable, but it's not like staying with a lover or a partner ... and it hasn't been for many years" - he claims he sleeps on a mattress in the family room - he spends time with his kids, he goes back to work.

 

Until I saw those e-mails, the way I was kind of looking at it, was that they were probably separated living in the same house ... but now I know that's not really how she wants it to be. She doesn't want to lose her man or their partnership. I didn't know that part before. I suspected it, but I didn't know.

 

I do contend however that I am not to blame for the situation they find themselves in in their marriage. I'm a lot, but I'm not all' that.

Edited December 18, 2010 by Kismetly
can't spell

[Carrot2000]

Someone once told me that the way you show your children that you love them is to treat their mother/father kindly, even if the relationship is over. How can this man treat the mother of his children so cruelly? Why won't he just let her off the hook instead of being cold and distant?

[woinlove]

Yeah - I get that .... but why is it my responsibility to do all the breaking up and staying strong? I'm not betraying any vows, implied or otherwise, that I've made. I get that this is not OK ... but why do I have to be the grown up?

 

(I know I sound like a petulant brat ... )

 

You don't have to. It is up to you whether to live with integrity and treat others with kindness. Only you know if those things matter to you.

 

And, just hearing a bit about this man and his children makes me shudder. I wouldn't count on him to provide the integrity.

[BB07]

I'm really working on the not fooling myself part BB. I'm really working on it.

 

He was gentle - but aloof and very distant. I read about a dozen chains between them The chains were never more than 1 or 2 exhanges. They e-mail probably every other day. All of the e-mails he initiated were links of things to give to the kids. Most of hers were just about the kids - but there were 2 that were personal and sad. One was that his little boy said I miss Dad - and then she made a shy comment that she missed him too.

 

He'd been talking about staying at work for christmas. He's got a whole lot of drama at work (and I suspect doesn't want to face what's going on at home). He'd been talking to me about it and I told him he was crazy - it was totally important to go home to his family for christmas and take a break from his crazy job and get a dose of the kids etc. One of her e-mails was from the time he was thinking about not going home and she made the comment that he'd do what he wanted to, but it would be "devestating" for them wasn't with them at christmas. There was no response by him to either of those e-mails.

 

Her's all end with xxx and ooo. He doesn't even initial his back to her.

 

 

Very sad....very sad for the wife and the kids. Can you put yourself in her place Kismetly? She knows things aren't right but she doesn't know why and she probably has no idea that her husband is falling in love with someone else. It's not a place any of us as women want to be sitting in.

 

You are right......you aren't the cause of their problems but you are a contributing factor now. I hope you can accept that truth.

[bentnotbroken]

You mean forgiveness doesn't come from confessing to an annonymous bulletin board?

 

I get that I should tell him. Just trying to figure out the best way to present the fact that I'm - unstable enough to be compelled to read his personal e-mail. There's not many ways to make that attractive.

 

 

Tell me again what was so attractive with sleeping with him that would make reading his email less than attractive.

[BB07]

OK - I can see how you could see it that way.

 

I guess that's the dilemma for me. I am not the cause of their marital problems, I'm certainly a big ugly boil-like symptom, but I am not the cause. They were in trouble well before I came along.

 

Sure, he hasn't had the balls to do the "right" thing and formally end one relationship before he starts another one. He lied to me at the beginning (in the one and only conversation we had about his marital status in the first 6 months of our thing) and said he was separated. For me, it was only going to be a fling so I never pressed the issue. When I'd been gone from there 6 months and we were still continuing in a LDR I pushed the envelope to find out the real story. He's slowly been opening up.

 

In some ways I understand why he doesn't want to rock the boat. It's not like his marriage is a day to day proposition. He is only there a couple of days a fortnight (if that), he says "when I go home to see the kids, it's like staying at a mates place... it's comfortable, but it's not like staying with a lover or a partner ... and it hasn't been for many years" - he claims he sleeps on a mattress in the family room - he spends time with his kids, he goes back to work.

 

Until I saw those e-mails, the way I was kind of looking at it, was that they were probably separated living in the same house ... but now I know that's not really how she wants it to be. She doesn't want to lose her man or their partnership. I didn't know that part before. I suspected it, but I didn't know.

 

I do contend however that I am not to blame for the situation they find themselves in in their marriage. I'm a lot, but I'm not all' that.

 

 

Kismetly from your first post there has been something about you that I have liked......maybe identified with although my life and your life seems a million miles apart, but something in me wants to save you from pain down the road.

 

I hope you can hear what I want to say with an open heart.....

Big red flag, He LIED to you about being separated and you let him get by with it because you didn't call him out on it. In a way you gave him permission to continue on with it.

 

He's a conflict avoider.......you see this right? That's never a good characteristic, or at least I don't think it is......what do you think?

 

When you say he said he's just comfortable there, that they aren't much more than just mates.....another big red flag and it's repeated here so much. It very well may be true, but think about what that means if it is true, that means he is willing to settle with comfortable. Do you want a man who settles?

 

I think if this goes on that it's highly likely that he will be one of those men who are just stuck.......he will want you, love you but he won't be able to do anything about it.

 

We want to believe that someone will be greatly different with us and that it's just that they were with the wrong person before or it was life circumstances and they won't repeat the same mistakes, but the odds are against that. We are creatures of habit.

 

Take care of your heart Kismetly because I'm worried about it and you.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe the best thing you can do is step away. Hanging around on the sidelines and him telling you he is going to end it with her, and he really isn't and won't during the holidays, is just going to drive you to do more snooping and get sucked into his drama.

 

This woman, his commonlaw spouse IS the mother of his children and it won't be easy for any of them, especially the kids when he does leave. he's going to need time to adjust and deal with the fallout, deal with the kids and their little hearts that are about to be broken.

 

Also, he is handling this wrong! It's cruel of him to be cold and distant to the mother of his kids. Since he treats her poorly, doesn't communicate and is disrespectful, imagine how he's going to be with YOU someday. He obviously loved her enough to move in and have children with her, created a family with her.

[Kismetly]

Very sad....very sad for the wife and the kids. Can you put yourself in her place Kismetly? She knows things aren't right but she doesn't know why and she probably has no idea that her husband is falling in love with someone else. It's not a place any of us as women want to be sitting in.

 

You are right......you aren't the cause of their problems but you are a contributing factor now. I hope you can accept that truth.

 

Yes. I am accepting that truth. It's very painful for me. I can't imagine how painful it must be for her.

 

I've been her. I know exactly how it feels. It didn't matter that we had been living like roommates for quite a long time or that there was no fizz when we were together - he was my man and it hurt like hell when I found out that towards the end a big part of that loss of fizz was related to him falling for an OW.

 

I don't think he's as crappy a father as I've portrayed him. He speaks to each of his three kids every day and texts them regularly. He does spend those 2nd or 3rd weekends with them. I hear him on the phone to them a lot and he's great with them. In one of the e-mails I saw that she wanted him home one particular weekend because she had things on all weekend and needed a babysitter for the youngest, and he did go home that weekend. He does love, provide for and care for his children and it's unfair of me to suggest otherwise.

 

I've just re-read my posts over the past 6 months. I've posted a lot more than I though I had. The thing that strikes me about everything that I've ever written is that I've kind of known this was no good from the get-go ... but still I'm here.

 

I've dated other men this year and I meet heaps of new people all the time - it's not like I'm hard up for a date - and still .... I'm here.

 

It seems so easy for OPs to tell me to just stop and I know I should - so what's stopping me? I'm a 40 year old, attractive, successful, intelligent woman - why am I doing this to myself and to another woman?

 

In part I'm scared of the big hole that will be left in my life when he's no longer in it. He's become my closest confidant, one of my closest friends, my lover, my colleague - he fills a lot of emotional roles in my life and it's exhausting wondering how I'm going to fill those up again. And it sounds like lonely work.

 

I rationalise that while this is an LDR A, we're not hurting anyone and I get to live my independent life and still know where my next shag is coming from. But it's more than that now. I have feelings for this man (that I thought I'd so carefully protected myself from) and I'm in complete denial about the impact this is having on my, and several other people's, life.

[fooled once]

I've done a really crappy thing.

 

I've spent the past week with my lover. We've both been working while we've been together and laptops have just been left around as casually as novels and magazines.

 

One day we were sitting next to each other and he wanted to show me an e-mail. He opened his e-mail in front of me and there were 2 e-mails there from the day before from his partner. I noticed it, but didn't say anything. After he closed the e-mail he wanted to show me he left the screen open and asked me if seeing the e-mails from his partner worried me. I shook my head. Said something along the lines of "none of my business". He said she's applying for a new job. It'll be good for her if she gets it. Subject closed.

 

A bit of background ... A couple of nights before we met up I lost it with him. I'd had a few glasses of wine and was sparking. I took it up to him about how disrespectful this is to his partner. How I didn't understand how he could respect me for engaging in this thing. How he should think about it from her point of view, she's a woman at home who thinks her partner is working away from home to build a future for her and her family (that's what I've made up in my head about their marital situation, not his story) and he's shagging and becoming increasingly involved with a colleague. That's just crap. (I was outrageous ... I sounded like the most hardline fBS ... I was kind of impressed how easily I could slip into that mindset)

 

I said some pretty truthful and I suspect painful things (it's like I resent me having to be the one to be strong and end it, when I'm not the one who's betraying anything. Why can't he man up and accept it's wrong and just say "You know what Kismet - this isn't me, I want to can this thing with you until I get my ***** together and then we'll see where we stand".)

 

Eventually, he just stopped me and said "Look it's painful to even listen to these things that you are saying and I can't' bear to think of the pain you are going through if that's the stuff you are thinking about. I'm stepping off this dancefloor. I can't do this to you."

 

I went to bed convinced it was over. I was done.

 

He sent me an e-mail early the next morning. It was heartfelt and sincere and said more about his current situation than he has ever said - or should I say I've ever given him the space to say.

 

He said it's true that he's more over the relationship than his partner is, but he's talked to her about it and she understands he's considering leaving the marriage. HE said it's not a matter of if he's leaving, but when he's leaving. He said things have changed for him and they had long before I came along. It was a nice e-mail, but I'm pretty cynical (and filled with worst case scenario LS disease).

 

In the end I decided to go on the trip and he and I decided to just pretend the conversation had ever happened. (In hindsight that sounds pretty lame.) The real reason I decided to go is because I'm quite simply addicted to him. I wanted to be with him. Regardless of all the risk, all the subterfuge, all the uncertainty and not-quite-trust I still wanted to spend time with him. What's with that?

 

Anyway, back to the new low I find myself at ... one afternoon he was out and his laptop was open on the desk.

 

I looked up the e-mails between him and his partner.

 

I've never looked at another person's e-mail before. It's sacrosanct. As sacrosanct as never opening someone's mail. You don't go there. I went there.

 

Perhaps the worst part was that what I read simply proved he is finally being honest with me. The e-mails evidenced a woman who understand's her husband is slipping away and is trying desperately to cling (in a pretty dignfied way) to him and a man completely disinterested in engaging in even the most basic of dialogue with her. It was horrible.

 

So, on the one hand I have the proof I wanted that he wasn't just playing me, actually living a happy double life. On the other hand, no matter what he says, his marriage may have been in trouble before I came along, but me being in the picture certainly isn't helping matters.

 

But the thing I'm most worried about - is what does it say about my state of mind that I stooped so low as to read someone's private e-mails? That's just really bad behaviour and really bad karma.

 

Kis, I have only read your original post.

 

I challenge you -- you don't like the fact that you not only are having a physical relationship with a married man, but you are now also sinking to a new low, snooping on him.

 

Look at you.

 

Is this the person YOU want to be? Is this the person you want to be remembered as? Is this the traits of a woman you want to be?

 

If you say no to any of those things, then I would advise you to step away from this married man and let him end his marriage. Let him finish what he started with his wife; let him handle that and if you decide to wait, that is your decision. But in my view, continuing to engage in the affair, and continuing to snoop on him, is only going to cause you to continue to be a person I don't think you want to be.

 

IF your relationship is 'meant to be', then it will weather him ending his marriage.

 

You know the relationship with him is wrong, you don't like how you are behaving. So change that. Step back. If he really cares about you, he would respect that decision and maybe it will spur him to end his marriage with the respect his WIFE deserves.

[4321sn]

Thanks to the original poster and her affair with those kids' dad.

 

Really? Why is it all on her? If he didnt cheat with the OP it may have very well been another woman. He bears the responsibility of what he has done to his children and partner not her. He is the one who made a promise to his partner. He alone broke it. Sure question the morals here all you want but in no way is OP responsible for him being a neglectful father....

[Kismetly]

Kismetly from your first post there has been something about you that I have liked......maybe identified with although my life and your life seems a million miles apart, but something in me wants to save you from pain down the road.

 

I hope you can hear what I want to say with an open heart.....

Big red flag, He LIED to you about being separated and you let him get by with it because you didn't call him out on it. In a way you gave him permission to continue on with it.

 

He's a conflict avoider.......you see this right? That's never a good characteristic, or at least I don't think it is......what do you think?

 

When you say he said he's just comfortable there, that they aren't much more than just mates.....another big red flag and it's repeated here so much. It very well may be true, but think about what that means if it is true, that means he is willing to settle with comfortable. Do you want a man who settles?

 

I think if this goes on that it's highly likely that he will be one of those men who are just stuck.......he will want you, love you but he won't be able to do anything about it.

 

We want to believe that someone will be greatly different with us and that it's just that they were with the wrong person before or it was life circumstances and they won't repeat the same mistakes, but the odds are against that. We are creatures of habit.

 

Take care of your heart Kismetly because I'm worried about it and you.

 

BB I really respect you and your comments means a lot to me. I love the way you post and when I grow up I want to be you. I want to not only "get it" but "live it". You are doing that - and I'm floundering in a rough swell.

 

I'm worried about me too.

 

You are absolutely right - I've got this fantasy that he'll change - our life will be fabulous and happy and he won't be worried and depressed anymore and I'll be enough woman to keep him satisfied and he'll never stray or get bored or depressed or horny for a bit of strange again.

 

I see it happen with him. When we first meet up after usually a month or so apart, he starts out for the first half hour or so in this really quite sombre mood, then he switches into being-with-me mode and we have a fantastic time. His energy is high, he's happy, he's enthusiastic about work and projects. That lasts for the 3 or 4 days we're together, then usually in the last hour or so before we part he switches back to sombre and depressed. His e-mails to his wife are all the sombre/depressed man. I can convince myself that with me he'll be happy. With me, he is happy - he's an amazing man. But yes, I've seen glimpses of the alternative and I don't like it much.

 

and how does that old song go .... Shoes don't stretch and men don't change?

[fooled once]

I just got caught up and read the whole thread.

 

 

Wow. That is all incredibly sad. Sounds like he's neglecting his kids, too. Bummer.

 

I agree. Sounds like he spends more time with Kis than with his kids And he even values his job as dad so little he is thinking of staying away at CHRISTMAS? That shows his lack of concern for his kids and only concern for himself. Life as a parent can be tough at times; but your kids emotional well being should be more of a priority than his discomfort.

 

So you snooped, so you found out that their common-law M isn't a bed of roses. So what? She still doesn't know he's having sex with someone else, he still hasn't moved out, he still hasn't ended the R with her. You are still the hidden secret, the other woman.

 

So really, what's changed except you confirming that you are so mistrustful of him as to check his email?

 

As usual, I agree with jt.

 

This is very sad. I really feel for his kids. I hope he makes a decision one way or another. To keep a family hanging on like that is dreadful. Not a good position to be in for anybody.

 

Agree LD. He needs to MAN UP and either leave his partner/wife/common-law wife or leave the affair and reinvest in the relationship with the mother of his kids.

 

Someone once told me that the way you show your children that you love them is to treat their mother/father kindly, even if the relationship is over. How can this man treat the mother of his children so cruelly? Why won't he just let her off the hook instead of being cold and distant?

 

Good point Carrot. Why doesn't he just end it if he is so unhappy?

 

Very sad....very sad for the wife and the kids. Can you put yourself in her place Kismetly? She knows things aren't right but she doesn't know why and she probably has no idea that her husband is falling in love with someone else. It's not a place any of us as women want to be sitting in.

 

You are right......you aren't the cause of their problems but you are a contributing factor now. I hope you can accept that truth.

 

I agree BB, Kis is a contributing factor. Because of her involvement with him, this has allowed him to have his cake and eat it too.

 

I always have compassion for a wife who has no clue what the heck is wrong with her partner when he is off cheating and gaslighting, lying and betraying the person he picked and chose to become "one" with.

 

Virtually all long term marriages go through ups and downs. Some downs last years. But, it will eventually recover and go back to ups. But, with a mistress like you coming into the picture, it kills the marriage and destroys the family. That's the fact, no matter how you want to twist it to justify your actions to make yourself feel better.

 

I see also that Kis is trying to justify his actions (and hers) so that it makes the affair ok.

 

Kis, while you may not be the 'reason' the marriage has issues, you should know that ALL marriages or relationships have issues from time to time. It shows to me, the true character of a person, in how they handle that. To run out and find someone to have an affair with shows me the lack of integrity, lack of honor and lack of respect to the person they chose to have kids with, have a relationship with. It also shows a lack of respect for the mistress, especially if there is talk of a "future". This coward won't end one relationship before starting another. This coward chooses to hurt those around him for self satisfaction. Is that really the kind of person you want? What happens if you two do get together, not in secret, and issues arise. Is he going to go find a new mistress? His lack of communication and commitment shows he shouldn't be in any relationship until he learns how to BE a partner. He sounds incredibly selfish.

[4321sn]

Someone once told me that the way you show your children that you love them is to treat their mother/father kindly, even if the relationship is over. How can this man treat the mother of his children so cruelly? Why won't he just let her off the hook instead of being cold and distant?

 

I agree 100%.

He needs to let her go. Why deny her the chance to find someone who truly loves her? He has found what he needs in a relationship. How unfair to deny her what he already has...

[jsb58]

In part I'm scared of the big hole that will be left in my life when he's no longer in it. He's become my closest confidant, one of my closest friends, my lover, my colleague - he fills a lot of emotional roles in my life and it's exhausting wondering how I'm going to fill those up again. And it sounds like lonely work.

He is not available to be your closest friend, confidant, lover. Thinking so is naive and selfish.

 

Sometimes people must suffer consequences for their actions. Your consequence is loneliness. You are simply bargaining to avoid it.