A most ignoble act ....

[Kismetly]

 

Curious though. Why doesn't he leave? It's obvious it is not because he is afraid of not seeing his kids every night. He would honestly see his kids more if he left her. Does he just want the convenience of a 24/7 babysitter?

 

Good question. One I'm asking myself and I need to ask him.

 

I suspect (and he's alluded to the fact) it's about the extended family. They are from a small tight cultural community where the separation would be everyone's business. I've got a mate/colleague who's from the same community and he's been sleeping in a separate room from his wife for 6 or 7 years, is miserable and everyone knows it - but he won't/can't leave. He works away like my fella - but goes home every fortnight or so and spends the weekend with his 2 kids. They are cute - you see them out and about all weekend in town - but never with the wife. On the face of it, they seem a patriachal culture - but the old women run it and the old women don't tolerate much (they are really conservative).

 

I bought the separated thing in the beginning because I do understand how difficult it would be to make a complete break from their community. And to be honest - it's not a break I'm keen to encourage, because I'm not from that culture, I don't understand all the cultural mores and I respect that his cultural heritage is very important to him.

 

I'm making excuses again. Enough of this.

[Kismetly]

 

I understand very well you feeling guilty and angry at MM for making everyone miserable in a triangle relationship. I had this "Moral flash-lights" with xMW and wanted to yell at her sometimes for making everyone miserable me included. The problem is how long this is going to last? He is making his W miserable with his behavior and it is understandable that you don't support that.

I think it is inevitable at some point to push him to a choice. His wife deserves better. As some posters have suggested, better back off, go LC or NC, let him deal with his M alone and you out of the picture.

 

Hi East7 - you know I am angry with him. I'm angry with myself, but I'm angry with him too.

 

I like the "moral flash-lights" analogy.

 

I havne't read all of your story - I know you're not seeing the MW now, but how did it end for you? Did you just pull the pin eventually?

 

It's time for me to put on my big girl panties and deal with this once and for all.

 

Thanks, V

[Kismetly]

Even though you know the truth about his marriage--from his perspective, anyway--you can't just let him off the hook. Just because he's not playing you doesn't mean everything is okay. Far from it. He may not be lying to you, but he is lying to his partner and exhibiting a degree of cruelty towards her that should give you pause. From the way you've described his behavior, what he's doing is tantamount to emotional abuse. Instead of being honest, he chooses to act in a way that erodes his wife's self-confidence, self-worth, and probably makes her question her own perceptions of what's going on around her. If he wants out of the relationship, fine: why does he need to destroy this woman in the process?

 

If you think this guy is a good man, challenge him to be an even better man. Challenge him on his lack of integrity. Confront him on his real reasons for keeping this woman in a state of limbo. If there's nothing left of the relationship, what's he holding on to?

 

You really don't stand to lose anything by confronting him.

 

Thanks Carrott.

 

I started having the conversation with him yesterday, in the context that this was OK when it was just for a few months and then we were out of each others life - but here we are nearly a year later - it's not so OK - and then we both got interrupted and had to go. He sent me a text last night in response to the conversation that proves he's just completely missed the point. He said

 

"... I know what you mean though and although we probably both agreed on the short term thing at the time, this is amazing and I'm going with it as far as it will go ... that's very selfish I know but then life is unpredictable hey, who knows whats around the corner .... I promise not to complicate your life tho ... can that go towards something??? ..."

 

So he wants to maintain the status quo. I can't do that anymore.

[Kismetly]

Kis may not, but I do.

 

Having sex with a consenting adult partner doesn't break my moral code; violating someone's privacy by reading their email without their consent does.

 

People's morals differ.

 

I didn't reply to this message the first time because it stung and I needed to think about it.

 

I like this OWomans take on it though. Maybe I need to get stronger about understanding what is within and what is outside my personal moral code and stop trying to make it fit everyone elses moral code.

[Kismetly]

I love the last line, can I borrow it? lol........and it's sooo true and you know it, you just have to convince yourself of it.

Now for a little tough love OK. Something I remember from your first few posts is you often mentioned how you didn't ask questions.........why Kismetly, why? Is it maybe because you didn't want the answers, maybe you didn't want a dose of reality to puncture the fantasy? Maybe I'm projecting but I can look back and recall that I was very much like that my first go around with xmm. I just blindly believed and trusted because I wanted to so badly and I thought he was really all that and more, and no.........I'm not a stupid woman but you wouldn't know that by some of the things I did or didn't do. I'm trying to say.......I chose to stick my head in the sand. Please don't stick your head in the sand.....you've saw glimpses of behaviors that aren't good indicators of an emotionally available man, well when he is in a long term relationship.

 

Spice offered up some really good things to think about, some things for you to consider. Please turn them over many times in your mind.

 

Others have suggested you back off and let him end his marriage/living arrangement without your involvement. It's a wise suggestion as it will remove a lot of your guilt and it will also show you what kind of man he really is in how he handles himself. Also I believe if he needs you as a crutch to leave, then it's a very bad sign for you and him. Also......I'm very afraid that the longer you let this go on, you will begin compromising your self respect and you will become a doormat because he will want to keep you waiting in the wings.

 

One more thing...........take it from a gal who just turned 50, the next 10 years of your life are going to fly by, don't waste it on heartache and waiting on someone. If I only knew then what I know now.

 

 

That line - Shoes don't stretch and men don't change is a country song by Amy Dalley ...it's also got a line I love that goes something like "I'm a magnet for the fixer-upper man"!!

 

Thanks BB for this thoughtful and kind post. I know you're right.

 

I didn't want to know. I thought I could slip in and slip out. I was/am really attracted to him, it did have a used by date - we were only going to be in the same place for a few months and then I figured it would die a dignfied death and he could carry on with whatever palaver he was involved in with his family and I could carry on with my life. I never in a million years thought I'd chose to continue this relationship.

 

I don't back away from the fact that it's my choices that have brought me here - but they've been lazy choices and not deliberate ones. It's just been easier to go along with what is prima-facie a delightful friendship and relationship.

 

I know what I have to do is speak to him and go NC asap. I'm still bargaining with myself about it ... like "I should wait until after christmas, otherwise he'll be all bothered over the christmas break and it'll bugger it up for his family" ... but then the alternative is him being at home at christmas sneaking away to call me up and disrespecting them even more.

 

I don't want to break up with him. I don't want to go no contact. But I know it's the only thing I can do to be true to who I say I am.

 

Someone posted on another one of my threads that the "dark path is incredibly seductive" ... they are right. This sux.

 

On your final point about life being short. You're right. I was just thinking that. I'm 40, I've spent the last few years getting over my marriage, I don't want to waste any more time.

 

I'm really sad.

 

Thank you. K

[Kismetly]

Agree with so much that's already been said. Kismetly, his behaviour smacks of a classic conflict avoider. I saw the same thing (not the emails - just the attitude ) with my xMM: the pulling, obviously from his wife; the not-so-subtle evidence handed to you that he is; the laid-bare honesty...

 

But it didn't go anywhere. Why? Because he would not take the necessary steps himself - didn't want to be the baddie (his words too). He was nasty (through neglect) to his wife, hoping that she would pull the plug and she nearly did, which I think was a test for him. He failed it, but she fought for her marriage and now, with the hindsight and clearer head, I can see why. So what then for him? Well, in his eyes, he 'had' to go through the motions, as he called it.

 

These men like to think that they take on the responsibility of doing the right thing by everybody, but the truth is, they cause more hurt by doing... nothing. Big fat nothing. They wait for somebody else to do it for them.

 

Be careful, Kis... don't equate his words to actions until he proves he is worthy of this.

 

Hazyhead - this is all sooooo true. He is a conflict avoider. He does it at work too and it's really frustrating.

 

You are also right that he thinks by maintaining the status quo he's keeping everybody happy - really he's keeping everyone (himself included) miserable - but that's for him to figure out.

 

Did your MM and his wife sort their marriage out? Is he "happy" now?

[Kismetly]

 

Thing is, regardless of how disconnected those messages were from him to her, there is no proof that this is definitely the demise of their R. My H and I were barely speaking beyond the kids before d-day. A dam of backed up communication broke after d-day.

 

This scenario is classic unfortunately.

 

Be careful kismetly.

 

Hi NoIDidn't

 

I wondered about this too. I actually wondered if he'd gone through and deleted any that were loving (because there were so many that weren't) - but I looked at the dates and they appeared pretty consistent - I don't think he'd doctored them.

 

I know that marriages are possible to save - even from where his appears to be. I've been reading relationship/self help/rebuilding lit and bulletin boards for years, since my own divorce and I've seen remarkable stories of people rebuilding their marriages from scratch. I know he could do that with her if he had the balls.... and if I stepped out of the picture.

[BB07]

Thanks Carrott.

 

I started having the conversation with him yesterday, in the context that this was OK when it was just for a few months and then we were out of each others life - but here we are nearly a year later - it's not so OK - and then we both got interrupted and had to go. He sent me a text last night in response to the conversation that proves he's just completely missed the point. He said

 

"... I know what you mean though and although we probably both agreed on the short term thing at the time, this is amazing and I'm going with it as far as it will go ... that's very selfish I know but then life is unpredictable hey, who knows whats around the corner .... I promise not to complicate your life tho ... can that go towards something??? ..."

 

So he wants to maintain the status quo. I can't do that anymore.

 

Yes it's clear he doesn't want you to complicate his life.......but hon he will complicate yours. I'm afraid he is making it clear that he doesn't want to change anything with his wife/SO but he is trying to give you hope that he MIGHT. Might is the key word here and maybe's are damn hard to take when you love someone. Well at least they were and are for me.

[Kismetly]

 

The thing you should be examining is not why you stooped so low exactly as to why you would remain in an R that would cause you to. What you did is a self protective move. Why you're staying in an R that makes you feel you need that is a different story.

 

It demonstrates a lack of trust (that is warranted IMO). Trust is hard to regain when it's been broken.

 

Hi Sadintexas

 

All I can say is ... yes. I agree.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Thanks Carrott.

 

I started having the conversation with him yesterday, in the context that this was OK when it was just for a few months and then we were out of each others life - but here we are nearly a year later - it's not so OK - and then we both got interrupted and had to go. He sent me a text last night in response to the conversation that proves he's just completely missed the point. He said

 

"... I know what you mean though and although we probably both agreed on the short term thing at the time, this is amazing and I'm going with it as far as it will go ... that's very selfish I know but then life is unpredictable hey, who knows whats around the corner .... I promise not to complicate your life tho ... can that go towards something??? ..."

 

So he wants to maintain the status quo. I can't do that anymore.

 

How incredibly odd that he honestly believes being in love with a man that want to make the resolve to leave his wife and be with you does not complicate your life. It is what it is and it can be many different things, but it undoubtedly is a complication.

[Kismetly]

And yes, Kismetly, I agree with this. You are not the cause of their problems, but you have become an important factor. Putting their relationship first, you are probably constantly on his mind, which distracts him from her. And even if you ignore this, they have children together, which makes it that much harder on so many more people.

 

If you look at this from a totally selfish standpoint (which is justified, IMO), you already know you don't trust him. Then look at it from her point of view, and his kids' point of view--he's cheating not only on her, but a family. Keep backing up and looking at it from an outsider's point of view...and you'll slowly start to see why this will never work.

 

Thank you Carrie. It is hard to look at it from an outsiders point of view - because when I do that it's so clear what decision I need to make. I've been making this all about me for much too long now. Time to take a more strategic perspective.

 

You are spot on on the trust issue too. Trust is given freely - but when it's broken it takes a long time to rebuild. It may never be rebuilt with this man.

 

Cheers, K

[BB07]

That line - Shoes don't stretch and men don't change is a country song by Amy Dalley ...it's also got a line I love that goes something like "I'm a magnet for the fixer-upper man"!!

 

Thanks BB for this thoughtful and kind post. I know you're right.

 

I didn't want to know. I thought I could slip in and slip out. I was/am really attracted to him, it did have a used by date - we were only going to be in the same place for a few months and then I figured it would die a dignfied death and he could carry on with whatever palaver he was involved in with his family and I could carry on with my life. I never in a million years thought I'd chose to continue this relationship.

 

I don't back away from the fact that it's my choices that have brought me here - but they've been lazy choices and not deliberate ones. It's just been easier to go along with what is prima-facie a delightful friendship and relationship.

 

I know what I have to do is speak to him and go NC asap. I'm still bargaining with myself about it ... like "I should wait until after christmas, otherwise he'll be all bothered over the christmas break and it'll bugger it up for his family" ... but then the alternative is him being at home at christmas sneaking away to call me up and disrespecting them even more.

 

I don't want to break up with him. I don't want to go no contact. But I know it's the only thing I can do to be true to who I say I am.

 

Someone posted on another one of my threads that the "dark path is incredibly seductive" ... they are right. This sux.

 

On your final point about life being short. You're right. I was just thinking that. I'm 40, I've spent the last few years getting over my marriage, I don't want to waste any more time.

 

I'm really sad.

 

Thank you. K

 

Ahhhh Kismetly.......I still wanna come get you and rescue you.

You are such a smart articulate woman, you deserve better than the compromises you will have to make to keep this man in your life. You can fool yourself for a while.......but when it hits, it hits hard. Don't let him take you you too far down.......and don't waste too much time doing what you know in your heart you will have to do. You deserve someone's COMPLETE HEART AND SOUL, not just a piece.

Hugs........

[Kismetly]

I totally think he wanted you to snoop. I think it was his way of putting off this discussion for a while. You are in a pretty "heady" relationship with this man and I would be wondering if these are his "chess moves" to move things back to a simpler lighter place? In my mind there are only two reasons: 1) because that's what he wants or 2) he is needs time to grapple with the reality about what he should do. Are you a better chess player than him? Lol, I'm just kidding.

 

Spice, girl - you are good. Unfortunately I'm a pretty crap chess player - so I might just be out of my league with this one!

[East7]

Hi East7 - you know I am angry with him. I'm angry with myself, but I'm angry with him too.

 

I like the "moral flash-lights" analogy.

 

I havne't read all of your story - I know you're not seeing the MW now, but how did it end for you? Did you just pull the pin eventually?

 

It's time for me to put on my big girl panties and deal with this once and for all.

 

Thanks, V

 

Hi again K,

 

from my own experience and many others that I have read, all the married AP consider moving out in the first 6 months-1year to be with the AP. Once this critical lapse of time has passed they enter in their "Comfort zone". They have both the BS and AP. Why moving out when they can have both ?

 

Talking about my experience I started to feel impatient and really unhappy with the situation after 9th month, I realized that the whole thing was bringing more sadness than happiness in my life, I really wanted to end it. Things went faster after the last time we met, I put her the ultimatum, she was torn but also feeling terribly guilty, she told her H about us and decided to stay in her M which I respected and went NC. I grieved the loss but I was somehow relieved that I wasn't the side-guy anymore. I absolutely hated to be a lover, I can't believe that I accepted this for the sake of love.

 

In all the As, it comes a time when you have "to kick the beehive" and see what happens. I mean no more bargaining with your happiness, tell him to be with you or without you, no middle-ways !

I was so in love with xMW, she was my childhood sweetheart that popped out in my life after 20 years, I felt like I have known her forever, I thought she was the love of my life and nothing would stop me from reaching her...Until all my dreams collapsed and reality kicked in my face...Life is cruel.

 

If he can't decide, you have to decide for both of you !

 

It will be hard but you will come out stronger, you will be fine, no one is dead for love

Edited December 18, 2010 by East7

[spice4life]

Spice, girl - you are good. Unfortunately I'm a pretty crap chess player - so I might just be out of my league with this one!

 

Hey, don't sell yourself short. He may be playing chess, but you are catching onto every move otherwise you wouldn't be posting these questions...right? He is telling you where things stand and dangling carrots at the same time. Ugh! That has to be so unsettling for you. If you don't want to leave him, you are going to have to comes to terms with his situation in your own mind. That means accepting it for what it is and release all expectations. That's a hard spot to be in when you love someone. BTDT and it's hard! If you end up just saying "it is what it is", you will start mourning the relationship and eventually mourn yourself right out of it.

 

It sounds like it's tough for you to just accept what he's offering and rightly so. When the time is right, I'm sure you will find the strength to finally let it go and move on. Sometimes these things have to play out to the point where you finally say enough is enough. You sound like a very intelligent compassionate woman who has a lot to offer someone so there is no need what so ever to settle for less. You know this already I'm sure. if he knows this, it may take him losing you before he is motivated into action. The question is does he have the capacity challenge who he is and take a risk?

 

I hope you are able to find peace with this and choose what is best for you.

[whichwayisup]

"... I know what you mean though and although we probably both agreed on the short term thing at the time, this is amazing and I'm going with it as far as it will go ... that's very selfish I know but then life is unpredictable hey, who knows whats around the corner .... I promise not to complicate your life tho ... can that go towards something??? ..."

 

So he wants to maintain the status quo. I can't do that anymore.

 

I guess the choices you have, stay the OW and continue on this path, accept that things are the way they are and won't change OR start preparing yourself, detach and do what you need to do so you can end it and walk away. Do some counseling, get stronger so when the time does come you DO end, you'll be able to handle his possible attempts of keeping you in his life in some sort of way.

 

Just distance yourself more from him, more focus on you, your life and less on his. Don't ask questions about his life, him, work or whatever..The less you know the better and it'll help you detach and get out of the habit of having him in your life, having to hear from him daily.

[Confused4Now]

Just distance yourself more from him, more focus on you, your life and less on his. Don't ask questions about his life, him, work or whatever..The less you know the better and it'll help you detach and get out of the habit of having him in your life, having to hear from him daily.

Read this....cause this is exactly what I DID!!! and what you find out is as time passes what you see is this person complaining about the same things and not ever doing anything about it. I wanted to fix my xAP problems but they don't want fixing...they want emotional and physical support.

 

Trust me...I can't even talk to my xMW anymore...its the same old crap. I'm so depressed right now ...I don't have my best friend anymore. No one understands me like you do....blah blah blah. Stopping the cycle starts with YOU. Remember that.

[Fieldsofgold]

Quote:

"He was gentle - but aloof and very distant."

 

I think this quote - he was gentle, but aloof and distant - may be more of an insight into his character than we all might want to think.

 

His behavior with you, if you think about it, is that way, to some extent. I remember on another thread where he was getting close, but then deliberately doing/saying things to "distance"' you from himself (or himself from you.) At the time I thought he was grooming you to be the long-term other woman. Giving you enough gentleness and love to keep you hooked, without ever fully giving of himself to you. Just as he is doing to his W.

 

Even though you know the truth about his marriage--from his perspective, anyway--you can't just let him off the hook. Just because he's not playing you doesn't mean everything is okay. Far from it. He may not be lying to you, but he is lying to his partner and exhibiting a degree of cruelty towards her that should give you pause. From the way you've described his behavior, what he's doing is tantamount to emotional abuse. Instead of being honest, he chooses to act in a way that erodes his wife's self-confidence, self-worth, and probably makes her question her own perceptions of what's going on around her. If he wants out of the relationship, fine: why does he need to destroy this woman in the process?

 

If you think this guy is a good man, challenge him to be an even better man. Challenge him on his lack of integrity. Confront him on his real reasons for keeping this woman in a state of limbo. If there's nothing left of the relationship, what's he holding on to?

 

You really don't stand to lose anything by confronting him.

 

"He was gentle - but aloof and very distant."

 

Shoes don't stretch, and men don't change.

[Fieldsofgold]

Quote:

"Even though you know the truth about his marriage--from his perspective, anyway--you can't just let him off the hook. Just because he's not playing you doesn't mean everything is okay. Far from it. He may not be lying to you, but he is lying to his partner and exhibiting a degree of cruelty towards her that should give you pause. From the way you've described his behavior, what he's doing is tantamount to emotional abuse. Instead of being honest, he chooses to act in a way that erodes his wife's self-confidence, self-worth, and probably makes her question her own perceptions of what's going on around her. If he wants out of the relationship, fine: why does he need to destroy this woman in the process?"

 

I think this is worthy of serious consideration. I think this man yo-yo's with people's emotions. Gentle, loving (to varying degrees), then aloof and distant ---the W, you, and even his little children. What kind of parent *chooses* to not be home for Christmas with his little children who love and miss him? He's even aloof and distant with them.

 

This guy is an emotional user, and abuser. What's to love?

 

We just had a thread on trauma bonding. Maybe there is an element of it here for you? Please be careful.

Edited December 19, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[Hazyhead]

Hazyhead - this is all sooooo true. He is a conflict avoider. He does it at work too and it's really frustrating.

 

You are also right that he thinks by maintaining the status quo he's keeping everybody happy - really he's keeping everyone (himself included) miserable - but that's for him to figure out.

 

Did your MM and his wife sort their marriage out? Is he "happy" now?

 

You seem to 'get' the situation, but I know how hard it is to make the sensible decision when you're still in the thick of it. However, it sounds to me like you're about ready for change now and you want more than he is giving you, naturally. My advice: when you are ready stand up for yourself unwaveringly. You deserve to be loved as you love and don't settle for less.

 

As for my xMM, I don't know. Thank you for asking, though. I am happier not knowing anything and moving forward with me. I just hope they are at peace, whatever path they have chosen.

 

Hugs,

 

Hazy

[NoIDidn't]

He said

 

"... I know what you mean though and although we probably both agreed on the short term thing at the time, this is amazing and I'm going with it as far as it will go ... that's very selfish I know but then life is unpredictable hey, who knows whats around the corner .... I promise not to complicate your life tho ... can that go towards something??? ..."

 

I was floored when I read this. He knows he's being selfish. But what stands out the most is that this is supposed to be temporary to him. He seems to know its going to end one day - and he's fine with that?! - "as far as it will go..."

 

He promises "not to complicate your life"?! Wow.

 

He's totally leaving this open-ended in a way that says he wants to have something with you, but he's not willing to label it (complicate it).

 

I've had a R like this before. The guy never referred to me as his girlfriend. Said he already had one of those. I can laugh now, but I wanted to knock him upside his head. And the truly baffling thing was that this same guy wanted me to call him my boyfriend!

 

I don't like this for you, Kismetly.

[Woman In Blue]

Wow. He's completely FINE with blowing his kids off, blowing his wife off and treating her like the redheaded step-cousin - yet he clings to this marriage like grim death, all for the extended family factor? What a selfish jackass.

 

Since you know what a complete liar he is, WHY are you so shocked at yourself that you doubted him? He's quite clearly a master manipulator and liar, so don't be shocked when you find out that he probably wrote those emails between the two of them himself from HER account, purposely planting them just so you'd read them. You'd be amazed at what these sneaks do in order to carry on the status quo. Do you honestly BELIEVE that it was a coincidence that he was so intent on "wanting to show you an email" in his inbox - when he knew FULL WELL you'd see those 2 fake messages sitting in his inbox? LOL. That wasn't a coincidence at ALL.

 

Please aim higher. You can do better than this.

[Fieldsofgold]

Wow. He's completely FINE with blowing his kids off, blowing his wife off and treating her like the redheaded step-cousin - yet he clings to this marriage like grim death, all for the extended family factor? What a selfish jackass.

 

Since you know what a complete liar he is, WHY are you so shocked at yourself that you doubted him? He's quite clearly a master manipulator and liar, so don't be shocked when you find out that he probably wrote those emails between the two of them himself from HER account, purposely planting them just so you'd read them. You'd be amazed at what these sneaks do in order to carry on the status quo. Do you honestly BELIEVE that it was a coincidence that he was so intent on "wanting to show you an email" in his inbox - when he knew FULL WELL you'd see those 2 fake messages sitting in his inbox? LOL. That wasn't a coincidence at ALL.

 

Please aim higher. You can do better than this.

 

You know, you may be on to something. This guy IS a master manipulator, very smooth and very subtle.

 

I had not thought about the emails being fake, but they could very well be. My xH used to stage telephone fights with me for his OW to hear. He would ask me to call him at the neighborhood bar at a certain time (pre-cell phone era) needing me to do something "important" for him. And to keep calling back til I got him (because it was important.) When I would call, he'd tell the bartender to tell me he wasn't there. Then complain that I was checking up on him. After I would call back a couple of times (thinking he needed me to do something important for him), he would get on the phone and stage a big fight with me, for his OW to hear. Except that I would not fight with him. So what he said would in no way match what I was saying. I might say, "I love you, sweetheart." and he might respond with," NO I AM NOT COMING HOME THIS INSTANT." I might say, "That's ok. have fun." to which he might reply, "please stop cussing me." to which I would say, "I don't understand. What are you talking about?" to which he might say, "HELL NO." and slam the receiver. It was crazy. I was young and inexperienced, and had no clue why he was having a fight with himself!

 

Cheaters have been doing these things a long time. Fake e-mails left open for easy reading would be quite plausible.

 

For that reason, I don't think I'd admit reading them!

[Hazyhead]

You know, you may be on to something. This guy IS a master manipulator, very smooth and very subtle.

 

I had not thought about the emails being fake, but they could very well be. My xH used to stage telephone fights with me for his OW to hear. He would ask me to call him at the neighborhood bar at a certain time (pre-cell phone era) needing me to do something "important" for him. And to keep calling back til I got him (because it was important.) When I would call, he'd tell the bartender to tell me he wasn't there. Then complain that I was checking up on him. After I would call back a couple of times (thinking he needed me to do something important for him), he would get on the phone and stage a big fight with me, for his OW to hear. Except that I would not fight with him. So what he said would in no way match what I was saying. I might say, "I love you, sweetheart." and he might respond with," NO I AM NOT COMING HOME THIS INSTANT." I might say, "That's ok. have fun." to which he might reply, "please stop cussing me." to which I would say, "I don't understand. What are you talking about?" to which he might say, "HELL NO." and slam the receiver. It was crazy. I was young and inexperienced, and had no clue why he was having a fight with himself!

 

Cheaters have been doing these things a long time. Fake e-mails left open for easy reading would be quite plausible.

 

For that reason, I don't think I'd admit reading them!

 

What a douche!!! That is some crazy manipulation... but I totally see where you guys are going. If he deleted the emails out of her Sent box afterwards, how would she ever know?

 

Interesting train of thought... I agree that you can do better Kismet. And that you deserve it.

[Dexter Morgan]

But the thing I'm most worried about - is what does it say about my state of mind that I stooped so low as to read someone's private e-mails? That's just really bad behaviour and really bad karma.

 

this is the thing you are most worried about??