A most ignoble act ....

[Kismetly]

Do you have any self-respect? Do you like yourself much?

 

I like some things about myself very much. I'm not to thrilled by these recent events.

[Kismetly]

He is not available to be your closest friend, confidant, lover. Thinking so is naive and selfish.

 

Sometimes people must suffer consequences for their actions. Your consequence is loneliness. You are simply bargaining to avoid it.

 

To be fair - and in my defence - he made himself emotionally and physically available to me. I didn't do that. He opened himself up to me without being honest about his real situation at home. Sure - now I'm an accomplice - but I didn't steal his heart or his body - he gave it away. He snuck in under my radar, he pursued me, I fell for it.

 

Whether or not he was "available" to fulfil any of those emotional roles is semantics. Obviously there was something going on in his life that meant he WAS "available" for an emotional connection. (And I'm struggling with the grand assumption that the single OW has to be the picture of moral virtue and immediately cease and desist tempting the WS with her wicked homewrecking ways). What about him? What about his part in it? (yeah, and I know I need to reflect on what that says about him as a person).

 

So - according to you in facing the "consequences" I have to "pay" for falling for a man who made himself emotionally and physically available to me? High price this third party justice.

[Kismetly]

Another justification and excuse attached to your answer. And, you failed to answer my first question.

 

I'm not sure what you want me to say?

[spice4life]

I've done a really crappy thing.

 

I've spent the past week with my lover. We've both been working while we've been together and laptops have just been left around as casually as novels and magazines.

 

One day we were sitting next to each other and he wanted to show me an e-mail. He opened his e-mail in front of me and there were 2 e-mails there from the day before from his partner. I noticed it, but didn't say anything. After he closed the e-mail he wanted to show me he left the screen open and asked me if seeing the e-mails from his partner worried me. I shook my head. Said something along the lines of "none of my business". He said she's applying for a new job. It'll be good for her if she gets it. Subject closed.

 

A bit of background ... A couple of nights before we met up I lost it with him. I'd had a few glasses of wine and was sparking. I took it up to him about how disrespectful this is to his partner. How I didn't understand how he could respect me for engaging in this thing. How he should think about it from her point of view, she's a woman at home who thinks her partner is working away from home to build a future for her and her family (that's what I've made up in my head about their marital situation, not his story) and he's shagging and becoming increasingly involved with a colleague. That's just crap. (I was outrageous ... I sounded like the most hardline fBS ... I was kind of impressed how easily I could slip into that mindset)

 

I said some pretty truthful and I suspect painful things (it's like I resent me having to be the one to be strong and end it, when I'm not the one who's betraying anything. Why can't he man up and accept it's wrong and just say "You know what Kismet - this isn't me, I want to can this thing with you until I get my ***** together and then we'll see where we stand".)

 

Eventually, he just stopped me and said "Look it's painful to even listen to these things that you are saying and I can't' bear to think of the pain you are going through if that's the stuff you are thinking about. I'm stepping off this dancefloor. I can't do this to you."

 

I went to bed convinced it was over. I was done.

 

He sent me an e-mail early the next morning. It was heartfelt and sincere and said more about his current situation than he has ever said - or should I say I've ever given him the space to say.

 

He said it's true that he's more over the relationship than his partner is, but he's talked to her about it and she understands he's considering leaving the marriage. HE said it's not a matter of if he's leaving, but when he's leaving. He said things have changed for him and they had long before I came along. It was a nice e-mail, but I'm pretty cynical (and filled with worst case scenario LS disease).

 

In the end I decided to go on the trip and he and I decided to just pretend the conversation had ever happened. (In hindsight that sounds pretty lame.) The real reason I decided to go is because I'm quite simply addicted to him. I wanted to be with him. Regardless of all the risk, all the subterfuge, all the uncertainty and not-quite-trust I still wanted to spend time with him. What's with that?

 

Anyway, back to the new low I find myself at ... one afternoon he was out and his laptop was open on the desk.

 

I looked up the e-mails between him and his partner.

 

I've never looked at another person's e-mail before. It's sacrosanct. As sacrosanct as never opening someone's mail. You don't go there. I went there.

 

Perhaps the worst part was that what I read simply proved he is finally being honest with me. The e-mails evidenced a woman who understand's her husband is slipping away and is trying desperately to cling (in a pretty dignfied way) to him and a man completely disinterested in engaging in even the most basic of dialogue with her. It was horrible.

 

So, on the one hand I have the proof I wanted that he wasn't just playing me, actually living a happy double life. On the other hand, no matter what he says, his marriage may have been in trouble before I came along, but me being in the picture certainly isn't helping matters.

 

But the thing I'm most worried about - is what does it say about my state of mind that I stooped so low as to read someone's private e-mails? That's just really bad behaviour and really bad karma.

 

Kismet, your writing is incredible, so please excuse any grammatical errors in what I am about to post. :/ I am working on fixing that issue though.

 

What I see in your posts is a woman who is traveling through the phases of an affair. The question is, does this man have what it takes to see what he is doing to "all" of the people in his life? And does he have the strength to face it and finally do something about it? The biggest thing that stood out to me was that he said "I'm stepping off this dancefloor. I can't do this to you." I would be asking him, what do you mean exactly?" It sounds like, and I could be wrong, that he isn't ready to make those kind of choices - meaning, leaving his partner. Maybe I'm being cynical too and only see negative possibilities because, let's face it, affairs do that to a person. I still think it's a key point in what he is telling you. If he is stepping off the dancefloor because it's hurting you, does that mean he can't handle the reality of what he is doing so he has to quit playing with you?...because you are starting to force him to? Does that mean he is choosing not to deal?

 

The reason I say it's important is because if you do end up with him, this is an issue that will need to be settled. He will have to truly understand that his actions weren't appropriate healthy behavior and really work hard to change it so he doesn't do it again. If he doesn't , will he handle future bumps in the road the same way? Put how you feel aside and look to see if he has the capacity to face the truth head-on and deal with it in a healty way. If it were me, and I was looking at future possibilities, that is what I would be concerned about most.

 

Again, I could be wrong and I may just be cynical after all of the stories I've read here and in other forums. Maybe he showed you those emails because he wanted you to snoop. Mayne he wanted you to see the state his relationship was in to put your mind at ease. But does it? is that enough for you? And more importantly, is he hoping that it is? So he doesn't have to face reality?

 

Just some thoughts. Sorry for rambling.

[bentnotbroken]

I am satan's love child and destroying marriages is just what I do in my spare time for fun.

 

Happy?

 

I'm just a normal woman who through a series of circumstances finds herself in a relationship with a man who isn't formally separated from his wife. I'm confused, I'm concerned, I'm really sad. That's who I am.

 

Do I respect myself? Truth is, and I'm not being cheeky, there are a lot of things I really respect about myself. I respect myself in how I invest in my relationship with my family, I respect the work I do, I respect myself as a professional, I respect most of my lifestyle choices. I don't know what I feel about my role in "destroying his marriage". I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out.

 

 

Your "role" whatever that maybe is secondary to his. But you know there isn't a good end to this for anyone. You know there is a woman there trying to figure out to save her family and has no idea there is a hidden piece to the puzzle. You know there are children involved and what hurts their mom hurts them. Those are the things you know. The trick is not to just know them but to face them as well. Until that happens you will figuring things out for awhile.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe the best thing you can do is step away. Hanging around on the sidelines and him telling you he is going to end it with her, and he really isn't and won't during the holidays, is just going to drive you to do more snooping and get sucked into his drama.

 

This woman, his commonlaw spouse IS the mother of his children and it won't be easy for any of them, especially the kids when he does leave. he's going to need time to adjust and deal with the fallout, deal with the kids and their little hearts that are about to be broken.

 

Also, he is handling this wrong! It's cruel of him to be cold and distant to the mother of his kids. Since he treats her poorly, doesn't communicate and is disrespectful, imagine how he's going to be with YOU someday. He obviously loved her enough to move in and have children with her, created a family with her.

 

Just reposting..

I don't know what I feel about my role in "destroying his marriage". I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out.

 

If you aren't sure, then take time to think about it. IF you two do end up together, wouldn't it be better to start off on a more even footing, a more honest approach? Wait until they have actually broken up officially and he's had time to adjust to all the changes, as well as him dealing with the kids and that fallout. Atleast this way you will feel better and also it'll get the affair dynamic out of sync. Right now it's an affair, and noone knows.

 

If you two are meant to be, then wait it out by giving him space, so you both can start over the right and proper way.

[woinlove]

Kismetly, what are you looking for? You've been posting for over 6 months and it always seems to be the same thing. Each time you post about not feeling right about being involved with a married man. You hear from people who think you should have more self-respect and integrity, they give you whatever advice they think is best, but you don't take any of it and nothing ever changes.

 

Did someone post something like "Wow you found yourself a man who said he was separated and then shifted to not really separated but sleeps on the couch, hey, sounds great, you go girl and just keep doing what you are doing"? Because that seems to be the decision you went for. Although, you use passive language as if you don't make your own choices. In June, you said 'I find myself' in this situation, six months later, you still "find" yourself in this situation.

 

I'll admit, reading his emails was a new twist, but it actually just seems like an additional small push down the slide you are on.

[Kismetly]

What I see in your posts is a woman who is traveling through the phases of an affair. The question is, does this man have what it takes to see what he is doing to "all" of the people in his life? And does he have the strength to face it and finally do something about it? The biggest thing that stood out to me was that he said "I'm stepping off this dancefloor. I can't do this to you." I would be asking him, what do you mean exactly?" It sounds like, and I could be wrong, that he isn't ready to make those kind of choices - meaning, leaving his partner. Maybe I'm being cynical too and only see negative possibilities because, let's face it, affairs do that to a person. I still think it's a key point in what he is telling you. If he is stepping off the dancefloor because it's hurting you, does that mean he can't handle the reality of what he is doing so he has to quit playing with you?...because you are starting to force him to? Does that mean he is choosing not to deal?

 

The reason I say it's important is because if you do end up with him, this is an issue that will need to be settled. He will have to truly understand that his actions weren't appropriate healthy behavior and really work hard to change it so he doesn't do it again. If he doesn't , will he handle future bumps in the road the same way? Put how you feel aside and look to see if he has the capacity to face the truth head-on and deal with it in a healty way. If it were me, and I was looking at future possibilities, that is what I would be concerned about most.

 

Again, I could be wrong and I may just be cynical after all of the stories I've read here and in other forums. Maybe he showed you those emails because he wanted you to snoop. Mayne he wanted you to see the state his relationship was in to put your mind at ease. But does it? is that enough for you? And more importantly, is he hoping that it is? So he doesn't have to face reality?

 

Just some thoughts. Sorry for rambling.

 

Thanks Spiceforlife. You make some really interesting points I hadn't reflected on. I thought the "I'm getting off the dance floor" was an odd turn of phrase, but I didnt' really think about what it meant. You're right. It really means he isn't ready to deal.

 

I kind of felt as though he wanted me to snoop. And you're right, as I said earlier in this thread, I feel pretty dodgy about that. I think if I tell him I snooped he'd be OK about it - he'd be happy that I'd seen the reality of their corrospondence.

 

Is any of this enough for me? I think it's too much for me.

[Kismetly]

Your "role" whatever that maybe is secondary to his. But you know there isn't a good end to this for anyone. You know there is a woman there trying to figure out to save her family and has no idea there is a hidden piece to the puzzle. You know there are children involved and what hurts their mom hurts them. Those are the things you know. The trick is not to just know them but to face them as well. Until that happens you will figuring things out for awhile.

 

Yep. Yep. Yep.

[BB07]

BB I really respect you and your comments means a lot to me. I love the way you post and when I grow up I want to be you. I want to not only "get it" but "live it". You are doing that - and I'm floundering in a rough swell.

 

You give me too much credit Kismetly.....sometimes I'm a mess. Sometimes I'm still very angry at me and him and sometimes I'm really scared that I'll never let another man close to me again because I don't trust myself, but enough about me.

I'm worried about me too.

 

You are absolutely right - I've got this fantasy that he'll change - our life will be fabulous and happy and he won't be worried and depressed anymore and I'll be enough woman to keep him satisfied and he'll never stray or get bored or depressed or horny for a bit of strange again.

 

I see it happen with him. When we first meet up after usually a month or so apart, he starts out for the first half hour or so in this really quite sombre mood, then he switches into being-with-me mode and we have a fantastic time. His energy is high, he's happy, he's enthusiastic about work and projects. That lasts for the 3 or 4 days we're together, then usually in the last hour or so before we part he switches back to sombre and depressed. His e-mails to his wife are all the sombre/depressed man. I can convince myself that with me he'll be happy. With me, he is happy - he's an amazing man. But yes, I've seen glimpses of the alternative and I don't like it much.

 

and how does that old song go .... Shoes don't stretch and men don't change?

 

I love the last line, can I borrow it? lol........and it's sooo true and you know it, you just have to convince yourself of it.

Now for a little tough love OK. Something I remember from your first few posts is you often mentioned how you didn't ask questions.........why Kismetly, why? Is it maybe because you didn't want the answers, maybe you didn't want a dose of reality to puncture the fantasy? Maybe I'm projecting but I can look back and recall that I was very much like that my first go around with xmm. I just blindly believed and trusted because I wanted to so badly and I thought he was really all that and more, and no.........I'm not a stupid woman but you wouldn't know that by some of the things I did or didn't do. I'm trying to say.......I chose to stick my head in the sand. Please don't stick your head in the sand.....you've saw glimpses of behaviors that aren't good indicators of an emotionally available man, well when he is in a long term relationship.

 

Spice offered up some really good things to think about, some things for you to consider. Please turn them over many times in your mind.

 

Others have suggested you back off and let him end his marriage/living arrangement without your involvement. It's a wise suggestion as it will remove a lot of your guilt and it will also show you what kind of man he really is in how he handles himself. Also I believe if he needs you as a crutch to leave, then it's a very bad sign for you and him. Also......I'm very afraid that the longer you let this go on, you will begin compromising your self respect and you will become a doormat because he will want to keep you waiting in the wings.

 

One more thing...........take it from a gal who just turned 50, the next 10 years of your life are going to fly by, don't waste it on heartache and waiting on someone. If I only knew then what I know now.

 

[spice4life]

Thanks Spiceforlife. You make some really interesting points I hadn't reflected on. I thought the "I'm getting off the dance floor" was an odd turn of phrase, but I didnt' really think about what it meant. You're right. It really means he isn't ready to deal.

 

I kind of felt as though he wanted me to snoop. And you're right, as I said earlier in this thread, I feel pretty dodgy about that. I think if I tell him I snooped he'd be OK about it - he'd be happy that I'd seen the reality of their corrospondence.

 

Is any of this enough for me? I think it's too much for me.

 

I totally think he wanted you to snoop. I think it was his way of putting off this discussion for a while. You are in a pretty "heady" relationship with this man and I would be wondering if these are his "chess moves" to move things back to a simpler lighter place? In my mind there are only two reasons: 1) because that's what he wants or 2) he is needs time to grapple with the reality about what he should do. Are you a better chess player than him? Lol, I'm just kidding.

[KraftDinner]

Someone once told me that the way you show your children that you love them is to treat their mother/father kindly, even if the relationship is over. How can this man treat the mother of his children so cruelly? Why won't he just let her off the hook instead of being cold and distant?

 

 

THIS. Totally agree.

[BB07]

I totally think he wanted you to snoop. I think it was his way of putting off this discussion for a while. You are in a pretty "heady" relationship with this man and I would be wondering if these are his "chess moves" to move things back to a simpler lighter place? In my mind there are only two reasons: 1) because that's what he wants or 2) he is needs time to grapple with the reality about what he should do. Are you a better chess player than him? Lol, I'm just kidding.

 

 

I think Spice is on to something.......I think he wanted you to look also.

 

I thought of something earlier that I meant to mention but I forgot it.....regardless if what he is telling you is the truth or not about his relationship with his wife, he is absolutely going to paint it to be something that you will look at and see signs or clues that the circumstances are more favorable for him and you. Almost anyone in an affair situation has to find justification for having an affair, just as you are searching your own soul for your justification for allowing yourself to get involved with him.

 

He is going to use his own justification to sway you every opportunity he gets and I'm not saying he does this maliciously, its just part of it.

Everyone who has a moral compass and goes ahead and does something that goes against their beliefs has to justify it in some way or else they wouldn't cross that line.

[carrie999]

OK - I can see how you could see it that way.

 

I guess that's the dilemma for me. I am not the cause of their marital problems, I'm certainly a big ugly boil-like symptom, but I am not the cause. They were in trouble well before I came along.

 

Sure, he hasn't had the balls to do the "right" thing and formally end one relationship before he starts another one. He lied to me at the beginning (in the one and only conversation we had about his marital status in the first 6 months of our thing) and said he was separated. For me, it was only going to be a fling so I never pressed the issue. When I'd been gone from there 6 months and we were still continuing in a LDR I pushed the envelope to find out the real story. He's slowly been opening up.

 

In some ways I understand why he doesn't want to rock the boat. It's not like his marriage is a day to day proposition. He is only there a couple of days a fortnight (if that), he says "when I go home to see the kids, it's like staying at a mates place... it's comfortable, but it's not like staying with a lover or a partner ... and it hasn't been for many years" - he claims he sleeps on a mattress in the family room - he spends time with his kids, he goes back to work.

 

Until I saw those e-mails, the way I was kind of looking at it, was that they were probably separated living in the same house ... but now I know that's not really how she wants it to be. She doesn't want to lose her man or their partnership. I didn't know that part before. I suspected it, but I didn't know.

 

I do contend however that I am not to blame for the situation they find themselves in in their marriage. I'm a lot, but I'm not all' that.

 

I have only read this far, Kismetly, but I think you're as much the victim as his partner or wife. You fell in love with this man, and he has been dishonest, and you're too far in to just let it go. So you behaved badly and intruded on his email, which clearly is making you feel like the bad guy.

 

MM (or may-as-well-be-MM) strung you along. I'm not "excusing" your behavior, but I understand it. Every affair is different, and if I'm reading this correctly, your MM has built a new relationship based on lies, on top of an existing relationship that is faltering. If that's true, you are right to question his intentions or expect that he'll ever be honest with you about his current relationship.

 

Long before I was involved in an affair, I was engaged to marry a man who I didn't trust. I found myself constantly looking at his online behavior and checking his phone for unfamiliar numbers, and looking them up online. I realized that whether or not he was unfaithful to me didn't matter...I didn't trust him, and was consumed by that gut instinct. I never caught him cheating, and it doesn't matter if he ever did...that gut instinct combined with my guilt of checking constantly led me to realize that I couldn't be with him, since I'd always question him, and that wasn't healthy.

 

Forget about what you've learned or confirmed through seeing his email communication with her. Trust that if you're doubting this (without ever formally being "in a relationship" with him" that your instincts may be right. I did, when we were both single, and I still believe my intuition guided me. He is cheating on you with someone else, so you shouldn't doubt the possibility that even if he's not on good terms with her, there is someone else.

 

My belabored point is that you should probably trust you instincts and move on. Don't find yourself waiting until he falls asleep to check his phone, or email. Find yourself, and then find an honest man.

 

I find it odd to say this, considering that I cheated for the first time in my life, but I have never felt compelled to check my fiance's phone, or email, or facebook. We have a shared computer and all of our passwords are both saved there and known to one another, because neither of us has any qualms about full disclosure. Given my behavior, that is ironic. But I never felt any need to look into his communications, and he never looked into mine, either. It's sad when I think about his trust for me, but aside from my brief betrayal (and I keep flogging myself and struggling to tell the truth), this is how open and honest a relationship should be.

 

I believe that in a good relationship (not using me as an example for obvious reasons) there should be transparency, but neither partner should actually feel compelled to actually have to look.

[carrie999]

Very sad....very sad for the wife and the kids. Can you put yourself in her place Kismetly? She knows things aren't right but she doesn't know why and she probably has no idea that her husband is falling in love with someone else. It's not a place any of us as women want to be sitting in.

 

You are right......you aren't the cause of their problems but you are a contributing factor now. I hope you can accept that truth.

 

And yes, Kismetly, I agree with this. You are not the cause of their problems, but you have become an important factor. Putting their relationship first, you are probably constantly on his mind, which distracts him from her. And even if you ignore this, they have children together, which makes it that much harder on so many more people.

 

If you look at this from a totally selfish standpoint (which is justified, IMO), you already know you don't trust him. Then look at it from her point of view, and his kids' point of view--he's cheating not only on her, but a family. Keep backing up and looking at it from an outsider's point of view...and you'll slowly start to see why this will never work.

[carrie999]

I am satan's love child and destroying marriages is just what I do in my spare time for fun.

 

Happy?

 

I'm just a normal woman who through a series of circumstances finds herself in a relationship with a man who isn't formally separated from his wife. I'm confused, I'm concerned, I'm really sad. That's who I am.

 

Do I respect myself? Truth is, and I'm not being cheeky, there are a lot of things I really respect about myself. I respect myself in how I invest in my relationship with my family, I respect the work I do, I respect myself as a professional, I respect most of my lifestyle choices. I don't know what I feel about my role in "destroying his marriage". I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out.

 

Oh, honey, as I keep reading, I empathize more and more. While you definitely should listen to and internalize "tough love" here, don't let anyone beat you up. Given what I've read, you're doing a great job of that on your own, and you're very realistic about your situation.

 

Your MM sounds like a confused person- let's abscond all the labels and leave it at that. You need to move on. I've read so many threads here, and you seem intelligent, thoughtful, and genuinely remorseful when you were wronged. Yes, you're still keeping this up because you developed the feelings you do when you choose to start a long-term relationship. But you were misguided, and thought you were falling for someone who was available.

 

Let go of the criticism. So many people ignore criticism they deserve, whereas you keep internalizing it from people who are making assumptions before understanding your situation. You're going to be okay. Just let him go, and be a little more c

[NoIDidn't]

I think Spice is on to something.......I think he wanted you to look also.

 

I thought of something earlier that I meant to mention but I forgot it.....regardless if what he is telling you is the truth or not about his relationship with his wife, he is absolutely going to paint it to be something that you will look at and see signs or clues that the circumstances are more favorable for him and you. Almost anyone in an affair situation has to find justification for having an affair, just as you are searching your own soul for your justification for allowing yourself to get involved with him.

 

He is going to use his own justification to sway you every opportunity he gets and I'm not saying he does this maliciously, its just part of it.

Everyone who has a moral compass and goes ahead and does something that goes against their beliefs has to justify it in some way or else they wouldn't cross that line.

 

This reminds me of the MM that play a voicemessage from their W, when their W is angry (justifiably or not) about something to prove to the OW that she's always angry or a loon.

 

Knowing kismetly saw the emails, leaving them open and walking out of the room.....priceless. This guy is a master.

 

Thing is, regardless of how disconnected those messages were from him to her, there is no proof that this is definitely the demise of their R. My H and I were barely speaking beyond the kids before d-day. A dam of backed up communication broke after d-day.

 

This scenario is classic unfortunately.

 

Be careful kismetly.

[Hazyhead]

Agree with so much that's already been said. Kismetly, his behaviour smacks of a classic conflict avoider. I saw the same thing (not the emails - just the attitude ) with my xMM: the pulling, obviously from his wife; the not-so-subtle evidence handed to you that he is; the laid-bare honesty...

 

But it didn't go anywhere. Why? Because he would not take the necessary steps himself - didn't want to be the baddie (his words too). He was nasty (through neglect) to his wife, hoping that she would pull the plug and she nearly did, which I think was a test for him. He failed it, but she fought for her marriage and now, with the hindsight and clearer head, I can see why. So what then for him? Well, in his eyes, he 'had' to go through the motions, as he called it.

 

These men like to think that they take on the responsibility of doing the right thing by everybody, but the truth is, they cause more hurt by doing... nothing. Big fat nothing. They wait for somebody else to do it for them.

 

Be careful, Kis... don't equate his words to actions until he proves he is worthy of this.

[OWoman]

Let me get this clear, so, you think reading someone's email is lower than sleeping with someone's husband/partner?

 

Kis may not, but I do.

 

Having sex with a consenting adult partner doesn't break my moral code; violating someone's privacy by reading their email without their consent does.

 

People's morals differ.

[4321sn]

Admit the truth about who you are and what your part and rule are in destroying the marriage.

 

Wow...

And how is this helpful to her?

I guess I don't understand what you want from her and even more so you are relentless. I for one have read numerous statements where she has said she feels horrible yet you are not satisfied...

 

OP-I'm sorry for you and everyone involved. I would encourgae him to make this right as best as he can. Can't undo the past but can chose the right think moving forward.

[East7]

Hi Kismetly,

 

although a lot of wise answers are already posted here, I am giving a bit of opinion.

 

Don't beat yourself too hard about looking at his emails. Even spouses check each-others mail, phones etc. That is not the problem. As NOIdidnt said leaving his laptop open in front of you might have been on purpose to "prove" you he is not nice with his wife. Still he has lied about his marital status and he is not someone you can fully trust.

 

I understand very well you feeling guilty and angry at MM for making everyone miserable in a triangle relationship. I had this "Moral flash-lights" with xMW and wanted to yell at her sometimes for making everyone miserable me included. The problem is how long this is going to last? He is making his W miserable with his behavior and it is understandable that you don't support that.

I think it is inevitable at some point to push him to a choice. His wife deserves better. As some posters have suggested, better back off, go LC or NC, let him deal with his M alone and you out of the picture.

[greengoddess]

I don't blame you for looking at his emails. Of course you want to know where you stand. You know he lies to his "wife" so you must have concerns and you just want to verify your heart is in the right place.

 

Curious though. Why doesn't he leave? It's obvious it is not because he is afraid of not seeing his kids every night. He would honestly see his kids more if he left her. Does he just want the convenience of a 24/7 babysitter?

[Carrot2000]

Even though you know the truth about his marriage--from his perspective, anyway--you can't just let him off the hook. Just because he's not playing you doesn't mean everything is okay. Far from it. He may not be lying to you, but he is lying to his partner and exhibiting a degree of cruelty towards her that should give you pause. From the way you've described his behavior, what he's doing is tantamount to emotional abuse. Instead of being honest, he chooses to act in a way that erodes his wife's self-confidence, self-worth, and probably makes her question her own perceptions of what's going on around her. If he wants out of the relationship, fine: why does he need to destroy this woman in the process?

 

If you think this guy is a good man, challenge him to be an even better man. Challenge him on his lack of integrity. Confront him on his real reasons for keeping this woman in a state of limbo. If there's nothing left of the relationship, what's he holding on to?

 

You really don't stand to lose anything by confronting him.

[Carrot2000]

Curious though. Why doesn't he leave? It's obvious it is not because he is afraid of not seeing his kids every night. He would honestly see his kids more if he left her. Does he just want the convenience of a 24/7 babysitter?

 

I was thinking the exact same thing.

[Kismetly]

...while still be able to get free prostitute type of sex outside.

 

You flatter me.