Open Marriage and very happy

[Toodamnpragmatic]

and people seem so accepting in some ways. I just would find it uncomfortable being around those in open relationships and frankly eying my spouse as a potential partner..... And yes that is what happens in that dynamic. Hang around those in "open relationships" and that will always hover over you.

 

I also think there is something really missing where a spouse wants their so f$%#ing someone else and finding pleasure in it (i.e. making the hotel reservation and dressing him).....

[Distant78]

and people seem so accepting in some ways. I just would find it uncomfortable being around those in open relationships and frankly eying my spouse as a potential partner..... And yes that is what happens in that dynamic. Hang around those in "open relationships" and that will always hover over you.

 

I also think there is something really missing where a spouse wants their so f$%#ing someone else and finding pleasure in it (i.e. making the hotel reservation and dressing him).....

 

And not to mention that you'll have to get tested a lot more for STDs because everyone's practically sleeping around and screwing everything that moves, like rabbits.

[impz]

And not to mention that you'll have to get tested a lot more for STDs because everyone's practically sleeping around and screwing everything that moves, like rabbits.

 

Well, at least it will help with the falling birth rate in many countries, assuming the condoms break? :lmao:

[xxoo]

and people seem so accepting in some ways. I just would find it uncomfortable being around those in open relationships and frankly eying my spouse as a potential partner..... And yes that is what happens in that dynamic. Hang around those in "open relationships" and that will always hover over you.

 

Eh, we have friends IRL who are swingers (not nec the same as open marriage, but...). It just isn't an issue whether or not they are attracted to me or my partner. It is up to US to remain faithful. To be perfectly honest (but not so humble ), we have single friends who might want to sleep with us, too! Not an issue here.... Eye away!

[Distant78]

Well, at least it will help with the falling birth rate in many countries, assuming the condoms break? :lmao:

 

That's if they even use condoms, which I highly doubt.

[impz]

That's if they even use condoms, which I highly doubt.

 

I would presume people who have open relationships will protect themselves. I mean, they are not that stupid to let anything go into them/put something in without protecting themselves. Promiscuity doesn't mean stupidity, you know. .

 

I really hope not. But then, who am I to know

[NoLongerSad]

Personally no there hasn't been anyone I haven't known about. We really do talk about everything. The only thing he doesn't have to tell me is if there is someone that he already has permission to be with then he doesn't have to tell me every time he does something with them. I know "normal" people can't understand being 100% open and truthful with each other. There seems to always be that thread of doubt in the back of there minds. I have no doubt at all. Thank you for asking questions and not just pushing your beliefs on us. I don't mind talking about this and education people on the way I live my life. I just get tired of the same things being said over and over again about how My husband and I will fail because we aren't Christian enough or have the "right" morals. Anyway thank you for the question.

 

 

In professional baseball, the very best players are every day players, not platoon players.

 

Something you might want to think about the next time you or your husband deems it necessary to call for a pinch-hitter.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Eh, we have friends IRL who are swingers (not nec the same as open marriage, but...). It just isn't an issue whether or not they are attracted to me or my partner. It is up to US to remain faithful. To be perfectly honest (but not so humble ), we have single friends who might want to sleep with us, too! Not an issue here.... Eye away!

 

Yes but those single friends haven't asked or intiated that is what they want. Those who are true swingers (deeply in the world) and in open relationships and searching for others would create an uncomfortable situation.

 

C'mon xxoo, if a friend told you she wanted to sleep with your husband and it was no joke and she was going to flirt away (or a male came on to you saying the same thing), you wouldn't distance yourself ?

[Lovinhimlovinher]

I would presume people who have open relationships will protect themselves. I mean, they are not that stupid to let anything go into them/put something in without protecting themselves. Promiscuity doesn't mean stupidity, you know. .

 

I really hope not. But then, who am I to know

 

 

Everyone I know in his lifestyles do wear condoms.

[aerogurl87]

I personally never did, and never would make such a vow. I take my vows and promises that seriously. Nor would I ever accept such a vow.

 

So rules are more important than joy and fulfillment? People in a relationship aren't allowed to define it for themselves?

 

I'm not saying it's a rule you can't commit adultery. I'm saying the definition of adultery is sex outside the marital arrangement. This has nothing to do with rules, this is just a definition for a word.

[Lovinhimlovinher]

and none of these couples walk around like they're so happy about it. It's why the should've never started in the first place

 

I didn't know you knew me. I don't remember ever seeing you while I was out walking around. I know this because if you did know me and ever saw me walking around you would see how happy I am. I am a happy person in general. We all have our bad days. You have no proof of anything you are saying.

[aerogurl87]

What if their ceremony did not include vows of monogamy? People write their own vows now and even the standard of marital vows has changed. We don't pledge to OBEY anymore for instance.

 

By definition it's still adultery unless the other people enter into the marital arrangement and become a secondary spouse. It doesn't have to be included in the vows, it's still adultery by definition. I'm not saying you can't do it because people are free to do whatever they choose to do with their life. But it is by definition adultery. And you mean most people don't pledge to obey anymore. I will probably have the pledge of obedience in my marriage vows when I get married, although they won't be coming out of my mouth.

[Lovinhimlovinher]

and people seem so accepting in some ways. I just would find it uncomfortable being around those in open relationships and frankly eying my spouse as a potential partner..... And yes that is what happens in that dynamic. Hang around those in "open relationships" and that will always hover over you.

 

I also think there is something really missing where a spouse wants their so f$%#ing someone else and finding pleasure in it (i.e. making the hotel reservation and dressing him).....

 

 

First of all your funny. Your like a guy who is afraid if he is around a gay guy that they will have no choice but to hit on you because you are the same sex. I really wouldn't flatter your self that way. We (personally) do not date anyone in a relationship who isn't in this lifestyle. You never go out with someone who has a SO and they don't know what is going on because that would be cheating. We don't hang on anyone or hover over anyone either. Everyone has a different story. When you generalize everyone into one group like that it makes you look like a fool. I find my husbands happiness and pleasure exciting and wonderful. That does not make me a bad person.

[Lovinhimlovinher]

And not to mention that you'll have to get tested a lot more for STDs because everyone's practically sleeping around and screwing everything that moves, like rabbits.

 

 

That one didn't even make sense. I am sure you are some overweight bald guy in you moms basement with nothing better to do that cause problems on forums. I'm sorry you are such a sad person and I hope one day you are happy enough to allow the people you come in contact with to be happy too.

[Distant78]

I didn't know you knew me. I don't remember ever seeing you while I was out walking around. I know this because if you did know me and ever saw me walking around you would see how happy I am. I am a happy person in general. We all have our bad days. You have no proof of anything you are saying.

 

Again I didn't say I knew you personally. I don't know where you're getting that from.

[Distant78]

That one didn't even make sense. I am sure you are some overweight bald guy in you moms basement with nothing better to do that cause problems on forums. I'm sorry you are such a sad person and I hope one day you are happy enough to allow the people you come in contact with to be happy too.

 

Haha. I'm far from that honey. I'm fit, happily engaged to be married next year, and I don't go around spreading my legs for all the world to see. I'm here to state facts, and my opinion on these forums as I see fit.

[OpenBook]

Why does this (the OP's situation) remind me of a Law & Order episode where someone ends up getting killed?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

First of all your funny. Your like a guy who is afraid if he is around a gay guy that they will have no choice but to hit on you because you are the same sex. I really wouldn't flatter your self that way. We (personally) do not date anyone in a relationship who isn't in this lifestyle. You never go out with someone who has a SO and they don't know what is going on because that would be cheating. We don't hang on anyone or hover over anyone either. Everyone has a different story. When you generalize everyone into one group like that it makes you look like a fool. I find my husbands happiness and pleasure exciting and wonderful. That does not make me a bad person.

 

And I applaud you for those rules..... However not everyone lives by those rules and I do know people who have been invited into swinging or join in for some fun....... The point is once the subject is broached (i.e. wanting to sleep with someone) and maybe even going a little further (pursuing it), the dynamics of your relationship changes forever.

[JustJoe]

I am not sure what questions I haven't answered. How do I PM someone?

I see that you haven't been here long enough to PM, so it's ok. You seemed to have an issue with what I said, and I was just inviting you to tell me personally , if you didn't want to do so on the general thread. That's all.

[JustJoe]

My main point is still un-answered. If there is no sexual/emotional dissatisfaction in the marriage, then why is this happening? There is no such thing as a spontaneous "open marriage", nothing happens in a vacuum. Woinlove was at least honest about her being the person in her marriage to first bring up the idea of having sex with other people, so presumably she was the one who was dissatisfied. The others, lovinghimlovingher and John Big Boote (great movie, BTW) haven't addressed this question. Also, the idea that having sex with other people will somehow improve sex within the marriage, means that the sex with the marriage is somehow lacking. If it ain't broke, why fix it? This idea is ludicrous. More sex doesn't equal better sex. If it did , prostitutes would be having the best sex ever. By that rationale, The more McDonald's hamburgers you eat, the better the quality they have. There are just too many incongruities in this "open marriage", business. It doesn't ring true. IDK any of these people, nor their true stories, but If I were them, I would try to re-commit to my spouse, and so avoid the train wreck that seems to be coming their way.

[xxoo]

Yes but those single friends haven't asked or intiated that is what they want. Those who are true swingers (deeply in the world) and in open relationships and searching for others would create an uncomfortable situation.

 

C'mon xxoo, if a friend told you she wanted to sleep with your husband and it was no joke and she was going to flirt away (or a male came on to you saying the same thing), you wouldn't distance yourself ?

 

I don't believe the bolded is true. Any friends I have of ANY stripes know the nature of our marriage and respect that. I'm happy to hear about their adventures, lol, but I'm not interested in an invitation.

 

Open or poly doesn't equal rude or socially inept.

[JustJoe]

I don't believe the bolded is true. Any friends I have of ANY stripes know the nature of our marriage and respect that. I'm happy to hear about their adventures, lol, but I'm not interested in an invitation.

 

Open or poly doesn't equal rude or socially inept.

I agree with xxoo, this would be no more of an issue, than having gay friends, if you're straight.

[woinlove]

My main point is still un-answered. If there is no sexual/emotional dissatisfaction in the marriage, then why is this happening? There is no such thing as a spontaneous "open marriage", nothing happens in a vacuum. Woinlove was at least honest about her being the person in her marriage to first bring up the idea of having sex with other people, so presumably she was the one who was dissatisfied. The others, lovinghimlovingher and John Big Boote (great movie, BTW) haven't addressed this question. Also, the idea that having sex with other people will somehow improve sex within the marriage, means that the sex with the marriage is somehow lacking. If it ain't broke, why fix it? This idea is ludicrous. More sex doesn't equal better sex. If it did , prostitutes would be having the best sex ever. By that rationale, The more McDonald's hamburgers you eat, the better the quality they have. There are just too many incongruities in this "open marriage", business. It doesn't ring true. IDK any of these people, nor their true stories, but If I were them, I would try to re-commit to my spouse, and so avoid the train wreck that seems to be coming their way.

 

It doesn't seem that you are capable of understanding someone who does not want the same things as you, but I'll try one last time. I was not dissatisfied. I was and am in love and knew my (now) H was the one I wanted to spend my life with and have children with. And honesty, openness and intimacy were and are important to me, while sexual or emotional monogamy was not. So I initiated a discussion of all this, without any third person, or even desire for a third person, in the picture. The discussion only brought us closer as we learned we thought similarly on what was important to us and what wasn't.

 

To me, living with integrity requires treating others with kindness, and I think a long monogamous marriage is a wonderful centre from which to live a life of love and kindness. However, to me, it is not the only option. I do not see a conflict between connecting with someone other than one's spouse (emotionally and/or physically, although I am not interested in the physical without the emotional) and treating others with kindness. It requires honesty and openness and finding people with similar values.

 

Perhaps you have not experienced a long, happy marriage where you both remain in love. Because it seems to me that anyone who has, appreciates what a central and invaluable part of one's life that is - no matter what the specifics of that marriage are. I have had my own kind of long wonderful marriage and my H and I hope to make it life-long.

Edited December 21, 2010 by woinlove

[JustJoe]

Woinlove, thanks for your description of your blissful, honest, perfect "Open Marriage", but you seem to have trouble with the whole cause and effect concept. I'm not at all interested in a commercial for open marriages, I am interested in WHY. IF your marriage is perfect, WHY eff other men? If sex without emotion isn't important to you, WHY do it? Something in your life or marriage has caused you to think or feel that sex with one person isn't enough. WHY? I don't have anything against you, your relationship, or swingers , in general, but very few of you can answer the why question, or choose to. If you don't want to, tell me and I will quit asking.

Edited December 21, 2010 by JustJoe

[Stung]

Well it's not for me, I couldn't handle it and wouldn't want to try. I can admit I'd be jealous and insecure, and part of my marriage vows were about monogamy because that's important to me and my husband. But I think that trying to tell other people what their marriage vows should include or that their marriages aren't real is really arrogant and insulting. Some people think marriage is only to make babies, some people think it's a huge religious connection, some people just want the legal and financial stuff taken care of, some people get married just for the big wedding and get divorced a year later. My personal take: people who are together for 20 years and in love and raising children and best friends and committed to growing old and taking care of each other in sickness, who happen to have sexual contact maybe even romantic contact with other people as long as it's all agreed to honestly and openly...that sounds plenty married to me.

 

Admittedly, I've not read the entirety of this thread yet. I find I agree with every word in this particular post.

 

Marriage has been defined in different ways by different cultures across the ages. While exclusivity is central to my own marriage, there are many who would consider our marriage a meaningless sham as well, simply because we are a union of atheists.

 

The OP has made choices I am not sure I would be able to make, and have no desire to explore, but I suspect the same is true of all of us in regards to each other, one way or another. She appears to see romance and marriage through a different lens than I do, but wouldn't it be boring if we all saw things in exactly the same way? I certainly see her marriage construct as more honorable than a marriage filled with infidelity and lies, or one of those marriages that exist purely for the wedding day and the presents. There is love here, intent to grow old side-by-side. I suppose that's my measure of marriage.

 

Perhaps in the end her marriage will be dissolved by time and circumstance, she hopes not, she has some evidence that it won't, she shows her love, she tries to keep the lines of communication wide open. I can't say the prognosis for my own marriage is necessarily rosier than that, simply by default of a promise of monogamy.