Open Marriage and very happy

[Lovinhimlovinher]

LHLH, this post is condescending. I am fully able to "grasp", the intricacies of open marriages, and contrary to what you might think, have no difficulty in understanding the spoken or written word. I don't insult your intelligence, don't insult mine.

 

 

I didn't mean it the way you took it I swear. When i said I know you can't grasp it I was trying to say that it isn't how you see things so it wouldn't make sense. That's all. I didn't mean to insult your intelligence either I was merely saying I'm not sure how to word what I am trying to say so that people besides my self can understand it.

[JustJoe]

Fair enough, think no more about it.

[Lovinhimlovinher]

Well then LHLH I wish you luck and I hope everything turns out alright. If it doesnt and you need to talk pm me. I wont judge even if I couldnt imagine living that kind of life. Just wanted you to think about some of the things that could happen and be prepared just in case.

 

 

I still have no idea how to IM someone lol

[Three'sCompany]

LHLH, openmindedness doesn't imply acceptance or validation. I've heard your reasoning, and it does not ring true. If a marriage is as wonderful and if you love your husband so much, what prompted the change? Because it's fun? I seriously doubt that good marriages are built on foundations of sexual gratification, alone. So if there is no sexual dis-function in at least one of you, there is no need for others players. You don't take medicine, if your'e not sick, you don't bury people, unless they are dead, You don't change a wonderful marriage unless there is something wrong. It wouldn't occur to happily married people. You are giving us the Cinderella version, but not the real reasons. With all due respect, I'm not buying it.

 

What you're saying makes perfect sense to me. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. I totally get what you're saying. Try looking at it like this. Let's say your wife makes the best chocolate cake you've ever had. It's perfect...moist, light, fluffy, the icing is gooey, it's just...perfect. Since your wife's chocolate cake is absolutely perfect, does that mean you refuse to eat a slice of peach pie every now and then? I mean, by your logic, if you eat the pie, it is because something is wrong with your wife's cake, right? Of course not!! It just means you're human and crave variety. I love my Mercury, it has all the bells and whistles, more than enough power, handles great, rides smooth, looks classy, I LOVE IT. But I still get a kick outta driving my friend's Corvette sometimes.

[Three'sCompany]

The idea that a person can only be in love with one person at a time is kinda flawed. Imagine a recent widower who meets a woman and falls in love. Is he no longer in love with is deceased spouse? Of course he is. He doesn't stop loving her because he has fallen for someone else. Both women share an equal place in his heart. He won't love either of them more or less than the other and the new woman, if she truly loves him, would never try to come between the love he has for his dead wife. Come to think of it, when they are all dead, they will probably be buried all 3 next to each other with the man in the middle. The 3 of them, the man and his 2 loves, resting peacefully together for eternity.

 

Society accepts this, it's "normal" for 3 people to share a grave, but not a house, a bed? Society (mostly based on archaic and ancient Church doctrine) dictates that only by the death of one love may another start to grow. But life is too short and time is too precious to limit one's self in any of the experiences that is has to offer. I say live, and love, to the utmost fullest of your capability.

Edited December 31, 2010 by Three'sCompany
Just cuz

[Holding-On]

LHLH, openmindedness doesn't imply acceptance or validation. I've heard your reasoning, and it does not ring true. If a marriage is as wonderful and if you love your husband so much, what prompted the change? Because it's fun? I seriously doubt that good marriages are built on foundations of sexual gratification, alone. So if there is no sexual dis-function in at least one of you, there is no need for others players. You don't take medicine, if your'e not sick, you don't bury people, unless they are dead, You don't change a wonderful marriage unless there is something wrong. It wouldn't occur to happily married people. You are giving us the Cinderella version, but not the real reasons. With all due respect, I'm not buying it.

 

 

please re-read. Myself, John and, I believe, loving, have ALWAYS had an open marriage. This is how we chose to operate from the very beginning. So there is no "prompt the change". We were never monogamous. Not everyone is monogamous or likes or values monogamy. If you cannot believe this then I think participating in this discussion is going to be very limiting for you.

[Lovinhimlovinher]

I'm assuming by delusional, you mean those people who do not believe in open marriages are delusional and those who do believe in open marriages are delusional as well? Who exactly is delusional?

 

Forgive me if this has already been answered, because I didn't read through all the comments. My question(s) are. For those who are in open marriages, when did you decide you thought this was right for you? Were you raised this way? Did something happen or trigger you to think this might be a good thing to try? If so, what was the the thing(s) you felt prompted you to suggest this to your spouse? Did you feel porn had something to do with it? Were you just a overly horny person growing up? Did you possibly feel entitled to do it?

 

I have said a couple of times that it was a couple years into our marriage, that isn't right I actually think it was closer to a year, but it was after we were married. I was not raised this way at all. My dad was much more into cheating on my mom than anything. When my mom was pregnant with my sister and dad was away on a "trip" a cop sat outside her house for several hours. Mom finally went out to see what he wanted. He was looking for my dad. He said he hated to tell her this but dad's girlfriend was pressing charges against him because he took her car on vacation but took another one of his girlfriends with him. I don't know if anything from my past prompted me to want to explore this lifestyle that I love so much but who knows. We all have baggage. I would say nothing in particular triggered this besides an intense sexual desire to be with my husband and another female. While I don't mind porn and think that it too is a personal choice, I don't watch it all of the time or feel the "need" to watch it so I don't think it effected me any. I didn't feel entitled to do it but I was pretty horny as a late teen. I hope this answered your questions.

[Lovinhimlovinher]

What you're saying makes perfect sense to me. If it ain't broke' date=' don't fix it. I totally get what you're saying. Try looking at it like this. Let's say your wife makes the best chocolate cake you've ever had. It's perfect...moist, light, fluffy, the icing is gooey, it's just...perfect. Since your wife's chocolate cake is absolutely perfect, does that mean you refuse to eat a slice of peach pie every now and then? I mean, by your logic, if you eat the pie, it is because something is wrong with your wife's cake, right? Of course not!! It just means you're human and crave variety. I love my Mercury, it has all the bells and whistles, more than enough power, handles great, rides smooth, looks classy, I LOVE IT. But I still get a kick outta driving my friend's Corvette sometimes.[/quote']

 

That's a great way to look at it.

[sxyNYCcpl]

Fact is, there is no point in getting married if all the partners are going to do is sleep with others outside the marriage.

 

Really? You mean people who are consensually non-monogamous do not have to worry about things like property, inheritance, children, and taxes?

 

Boy, that's good to know!

[sxyNYCcpl]

Its the same as cheating, its just that both people know.

 

Cheating is violating a rule, in this context it's a mutually agreed upon relationship rule requiring monogamy. If no such rule exists, it cannot be violated.

[Lovinhimlovinher]

Cheating is violating a rule, in this context it's a mutually agreed upon relationship rule requiring monogamy. If no such rule exists, it cannot be violated.

 

 

Are you in an open marriage? If so what is your experience with it?

[sxyNYCcpl]

And state my preference for a monogamous, non-marital relationship.

 

Joe, if that's your preference, I'd recommend that you pursue that kind of relationship. Others have different preferences, and I don't understand your need to insult them, declare them 'delusional', and imply, if not outright state, that they should live their lives utilizing your preferences.

[sxyNYCcpl]

Are you in an open marriage? If so what is your experience with it?

 

We're swingers, which I suppose is a type of 'open marriage' (it sure isn't closed) but not open like yours. Our activities are always mutual, though we have made many, many very close friends in our travels, we've never had a situation arise where it amounts to a 'relationship'.

 

Were that to happen, I do not think it would be a problem.

[sxyNYCcpl]

If there is no sexual/emotional dissatisfaction in the marriage, then why is this happening?

 

Variety is the spice of life. We do not value monogamy, quite the opposite. In addition, my wife is bisexual, and I cannot be simultaneously male and female.

[Lovinhimlovinher]

In addition, my wife is bisexual, and I cannot be simultaneously male and female.

 

 

Very good point!

[sxyNYCcpl]

So we have established that Poly relationships are of questionable value sexually,

 

I haven't seen that established, and I've read the entire thread in one sitting. Not only that, I can testify, from personal experience, that it's not true. Granted we're more classical swingers than true poly, but it's a grey area.

 

are borderline illegal throughout most of the world,

 

Marriage between more than two people is not technically legal in most places, but that says nothing of the actual relationship. For the same reason that gays should be able to marry, I see no harm coming from allowing it for polys, too.

 

are basically dishonest (if they were honest, you could reveal them to anybody)

 

We're pretty open about it, actually. Most of our real friends know, and much of our family. We have a few people who would rant and rave as you have in this thread so we choose not to inform them, but other than that we don't hide it.

 

are disrespectful to the partners( who may or may not be enthusiatic),

 

Because you said so? I know a LOT of swingers, a few poly people, and with a few exceptions (who, btw, may as well be wearing neon signs as they're obvious, and mostly shunned) every single person is there freely, voluntarily, and out of their OWN choice. Because they WANT to be.

 

and are almost universally condemned by most religious,

 

Religions are man made organizations designed to control people. Of course they would object, as any would be tyrant objects when someone refuses to follow their orders.

[amymarieca]

Monogamy isn't as important to me as honesty. Marriage is a very specific action and comes with very specific responsibilities and freedoms, I get that. You may have the "marriage", made in heaven, but most "open marriages ", aren't even close, and if you were honest you would admit that. I've seen too many go to divorce court, to feel that they aren't anything more than a band-aid for a failed marriage and a symptom of insecurity. If you were so sure of your H or he of you, and are so blissfully in love, why the need for an Open marriage , at all? By admitting that you and him aren't capable of exclusivity, aren't you admitting failure from the start? An open marriage is no marriage. Be honest and don't call it one. Open relationships are great, I have one myself, but I'm not a hypocrite, I believe in calling a spade, a spade.

 

One thing that causes many monogamous marriages to end is cheating! What is wrong with two people deciding not to deceive each other and be open and honest about feelings that are natural? You can't honestly expect to have an open relationship yourself and then judge someone for getting married who is doing the same thing. I could easily argue to anyone to not get married for various reasons: they don't want kids, they aren't religious, they are already sleeping with each other, they already live together. Don't be so critical of someone, especially when it doesn't hurt anyone else or affect you in any way.

[sxyNYCcpl]

What I share with my current partner has exceeded every hope or expectation I ever had regarding love, sex and intimacy. I have it all. So how can somebody who has experienced this, ever choose anything different? Why would they choose anything different?

 

I would say the exact same thing about my relationship. I'm happy for you, and I'm happy for us. The only difference is you choose monogamy because you WANT it. We choose non-monogamy because WE want it.

 

Simple.

 

Honestly, I don't understand why anyone would choose monogamy, just as you don't understand why anyone wouldn't, but I am not about to recommend that you act against your desires. I also don't understand why someone would voluntarily choose to eat brussel sprouts. Different strokes.