Open Marriage and very happy

[Toodamnpragmatic]

TDP, who do you think your partner would choose, hypothetically?

 

I know who my partner would choose, and he knows who I would choose (not like we have people picked out, lol, but we've always shared attractions to others). Hypothetically, I could imagine being threatened by another woman--but in reality, when H is attracted to a woman, I think she's cool and am not threatened at all. That's something I admire about my partner--his taste in women

 

As for the woman faking it once in a while....I don't have to fake it now, so can't imagine why I'd fake it then. True fact: multiple sex partners can increase a person's drive for BOTH partners! I sometimes wonder if that is a benefit of open marriages--keeping things fresh WITH the partner, with the sexual energy of new partners.

 

So your husband is choosing women you know? Sure I have some idea who my wife would choose, but never really given it a thought. My wife on the other hand thinks I am superficial (yea maybe, fortunately she is very attractive and also bright, so I get my cake and eat it too) so for me it is seldom more then a fleeting thought.

 

When I said faking it, I meant in the context of an open relationship, where the male knows the spouse has slept with other men, and then it's his turn (yes that word crass) and if she doesn't get off, wouldn't that screw with his brains, knowing she's been with someone else (and sorry if you are having sex and not your spouse, it better be to get off or what's the point?) and she can't orgasm with him.... Sounds like a severe mindf@#$k to me......

[sally4sara]

is he the one with multiple partners and you are just the one he lives with??? Sorry if I sound crass. The point I said is if you had a male partner, went off to get "some", came home and he wanted some too, what would you do? Do you know everytime he is with someone else? Does this not intrude ever on time you want with him? Sounds like he has two other females, what happens when it is 4 or 5, or a few one-night stands? I could go on and on, but these are the questions that are foremost on my mind.

 

BTW (by the way), EA is Emotional Affairs, and by what you have written, that is what he has and eventually the other females may want more from him too.....

 

You know, I get that some (myself included) have their eye on fair play. Perhaps they dealt with an unfair relationship.

 

But if she is cool with what her guy is doing and with whom, even if she doesn't have a serious other partner, is it really helpful to try to get her to care about what we or others would worry and stress about if she doesn't currently stress and worry?

 

While I might struggle to understand what she is getting out of it, it might just be that she is made happy by him having others in his life. Weirder things I've heard of......and without feeling I needed to convince them otherwise. It would be different if she came on here crying over it.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You know, I get that some (myself included) have their eye on fair play. Perhaps they dealt with an unfair relationship.

 

But if she is cool with what her guy is doing and with whom, even if she doesn't have a serious other partner, is it really helpful to try to get her to care about what we or others would worry and stress about if she doesn't currently stress and worry?

 

While I might struggle to understand what she is getting out of it, it might just be that she is made happy by him having others in his life. Weirder things I've heard of......and without feeling I needed to convince them otherwise. It would be different if she came on here crying over it.

 

and been open to answer questions and I just am fascinated by the situation..... We have had a # of similar posts of late and almost always the OP disappears rather quickly.

 

If she is happy as said "to each his/her own".... Just have a real problem understanding how it can work and not thinking one partner has some severe esteem issues to allow a one-sided relationship like this.

[Carrot2000]

Interesting thread...

 

Lovinhimlovinher, do you think your husband would be as gracious if you were to develop feelings for another man? Do you think he would be open to allowing another man to move into your home?

 

I definitely am not necessarily against open marriages, but I sometimes wonder if things are truly equal for both spouses.

[xxoo]

So your husband is choosing women you know?

 

Yeah. You don't?

 

Hypothetically, I can get really jealous about the idea of H touching another woman. But when I think of the actual women that he finds attractive, the jealousy just isn't there.

 

When I said faking it, I meant in the context of an open relationship, where the male knows the spouse has slept with other men, and then it's his turn (yes that word crass) and if she doesn't get off, wouldn't that screw with his brains, knowing she's been with someone else (and sorry if you are having sex and not your spouse, it better be to get off or what's the point?) and she can't orgasm with him.... Sounds like a severe mindf@#$k to me......

 

I dunno. I can't see choosing sex with another partner just to "get off". H and I have it down to a science, and I imagine it would take a new partner years to match H in that dept

 

From a woman's pov, sex with a new partner can be extremely exciting (a huge jolt of sexual energy) without being extremely satisfying (if orgasms equal satisfaction). I can see how a new partner would heighten sexuality altogether, and that could improve some marriages.

[NoLongerSad]

Of course there is always going to be the nagging question of just who is the "third wheel."

[Distant78]

I don't find my partner fecking someone else a turn-on. That's just disgusting to me. I agree with Carrot2000: If you Lovinhimlovinher, found another partner that was bigger and better in the sex department and was really charming and better-looking, best believe your husband would be angry. It's just a matter of time before you lay your eyes on someone who's number you'll want and then that's when the real issues will appear.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Yeah. You don't?

 

Hypothetically, I can get really jealous about the idea of H touching another woman. But when I think of the actual women that he finds attractive, the jealousy just isn't there.

 

 

 

I dunno. I can't see choosing sex with another partner just to "get off". H and I have it down to a science, and I imagine it would take a new partner years to match H in that dept

 

From a woman's pov, sex with a new partner can be extremely exciting (a huge jolt of sexual energy) without being extremely satisfying (if orgasms equal satisfaction). I can see how a new partner would heighten sexuality altogether, and that could improve some marriages.

 

No, I don't, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't either...... Maybe everyone we know are unattractive.....

 

I think I am not clear enough. If the woman goes off and sleeps with another man, and I imagine those in open relationships, have orgasms (and much less hang-ups) much easier and thast is the REASON to have sex with someone else.... So if the woman has just returned from sex and the husband wanted it that night or the next day, would it not be a real issue for the husband to have his wife orgasm, knowing she has with the other guy? And what if she says no..... "I'm tired/sore/have a headache".....

[Distant78]

No, I don't, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't either...... Maybe everyone we know are unattractive.....

 

I think I am not clear enough. If the woman goes off and sleeps with another man, and I imagine those in open relationships, have orgasms (and much less hang-ups) much easier and thast is the REASON to have sex with someone else.... So if the woman has just returned from sex and the husband wanted it that night or the next day, would it not be a real issue for the husband to have his wife orgasm, knowing she has with the other guy? And what if she says no..... "I'm tired/sore/have a headache".....

 

I agree. Kinda like Vodkafan's wife. I've been reading the polyamory forum and I have read threads over there that talk about how some of the guys wives don't like having sex with them after having sex with their second or multiple partners. It's quite sad actually, and shows how dangerous, flawed, and aimless these relationships can be. They orgasm a lot with their other guys because they don't have all the baggage their husbands contain, plus the "newness" of another person. So there's no way a woman cannot get tired after cumming 5 to 10 times with the other man and staying at his house for 3 nights, and come home and not get irritated at their husband's question of wanting sex also (especially if the sex between her and her husband was mediocre from the start). It's absolutely impossible.

[xxoo]

I think I am not clear enough. If the woman goes off and sleeps with another man, and I imagine those in open relationships, have orgasms (and much less hang-ups) much easier and thast is the REASON to have sex with someone else.... So if the woman has just returned from sex and the husband wanted it that night or the next day, would it not be a real issue for the husband to have his wife orgasm, knowing she has with the other guy? And what if she says no..... "I'm tired/sore/have a headache".....

 

And this is clearly why open marriages are never recommended to fix relationship problems. "relationship broken, add more people" doesn't work.

 

I am still curious why people who enjoy very satisfying sex with their partner prefer an open relationship, but I do believe that some people ARE very satisfied (even more satisfied) with their primary partner, and still prefer an open relationship.

[Lovinhimlovinher]

I agree what's the point of going up to the altar and speaking vows, but besides pure selfishness, I suspect another reason why these couples in denial stay together is because they want their spouse to know that they're screwing someone else. That's what makes open marriages exciting to these freaks. They want their partner to know they're having sex with someone better than them. They like the safety net of the marriage while sleeping with other people. Polyamory is nothing more than a "justification" to sleep around basically, and the spouses (cuckolds) that allow their partner to screw around are afraid to lose them point blank period, and even get off on knowing their spouse is being had by another. There's no way in Hell that these couples can not get mad or wonder if their partner is having sex with someone more efficient in the bedroom and emotionally. The rule that states no kissing is ridiculous and we all know it's a lie. You can't be in an open marriage, sleep with other folks and not kiss one of them at all. But in the end, most of these relationships fail anyway because of the resentment that builds inside.

 

 

I know you think I am a freak but you are dead wrong on all of this. If it isn't for you then fine it obviously isn't for you. From reading your post you have no idea what you are talking about. Ignorance is not always bliss.

 

I hope you have a wonderful life, I really do.

[Lovinhimlovinher]

is he the one with multiple partners and you are just the one he lives with??? Sorry if I sound crass. The point I said is if you had a male partner, went off to get "some", came home and he wanted some too, what would you do? Do you know everytime he is with someone else? Does this not intrude ever on time you want with him? Sounds like he has two other females, what happens when it is 4 or 5, or a few one-night stands? I could go on and on, but these are the questions that are foremost on my mind.

 

BTW (by the way), EA is Emotional Affairs, and by what you have written, that is what he has and eventually the other females may want more from him too.....

 

Allow me to clarify a little. I did say that I have not fallen for another man but I do have a partner. When I get home I take a shower get in my jammies and sit with my husband to watch a show. We talk about how the night went and what he did while I was gone. We head to bed and have awesome sex.

 

All of these are things that can happen I am not saying it isn't. What I am saying is we work at it. Yes because of our life we do have to work at it harder. Especially with a poly relationship because real love is involved with more than 2 people. I am not blind I know it is hard work with making sure everyone is involved and have there say in everyday life. Is it wrong that we are willing to follow our hearts and work harder than "normal" couples to maintain it? There are not many couples that are truly cut out for this lifestyle, or at least not long term. All I can do is hope and pray that we can make it long term. That is any marriages! We all hope and pray that their partner doesn't leave them for any reason. That is life.

[Distant78]

I know you think I am a freak but you are dead wrong on all of this. If it isn't for you then fine it obviously isn't for you. From reading your post you have no idea what you are talking about. Ignorance is not always bliss.

 

I hope you have a wonderful life, I really do.

 

I'm not dead wrong about it, just stating facts. And I do know what I'm talking about. Been researching this stuff for years. Open relationships are not bliss. I actually do have a wonderful life, thank you.

[Lovinhimlovinher]

I have to agree with JustJoe, if you want an open marriage, why get married in the first place? Why not just live together and be committed to one another completely with the option to go have sex or cultivate a relationship apart from your partner. I'm not saying this type of relationship won't work (you and your husband are a testament that it can) but I don't see the point in getting married if that's what you want.

 

 

When my husband and I fell in love and got married we never would have even thought about this. We had an awesome sex life. We were both so open to what the other wanted to try or do that there was no time for our SL to gown hill. It wasn't until several years later that we decided to try a threesome. My original post tell you what happened next.

 

Thank you for being civil and open minded.

[Lovinhimlovinher]

I'm not dead wrong about it, just stating facts. And I do know what I'm talking about. Been researching this stuff for years. Open relationships are not bliss. I actually do have a wonderful life, thank you.

 

 

I am very glad that you do have a wonderful life. I am assuming since you had to research it that you have never had the opportunity to think and feel the way I do. So what makes you think you have any idea what I "know". So since you can't possibly truly know what I am thinking then all you are spouting is hearsay. No they are not "bliss" all of the time. No relationship is perfect 100% of the time. For us it works and we, personally, are happy. I am sorry if that bothers you. There are plenty of negative stories out there to research. That is why I wanted to post my story on here. I am not promoting it. It isn't something that just anyone can do. So I am not sure why you have such a problem with me.

[Lovinhimlovinher]

You know, I get that some (myself included) have their eye on fair play. Perhaps they dealt with an unfair relationship.

 

But if she is cool with what her guy is doing and with whom, even if she doesn't have a serious other partner, is it really helpful to try to get her to care about what we or others would worry and stress about if she doesn't currently stress and worry?

 

While I might struggle to understand what she is getting out of it, it might just be that she is made happy by him having others in his life. Weirder things I've heard of......and without feeling I needed to convince them otherwise. It would be different if she came on here crying over it.

 

Thank you. I really just wanted a place to tell a positive story.

[Distant78]

I am very glad that you do have a wonderful life. I am assuming since you had to research it that you have never had the opportunity to think and feel the way I do. So what makes you think you have any idea what I "know". So since you can't possibly truly know what I am thinking then all you are spouting is hearsay. No they are not "bliss" all of the time. No relationship is perfect 100% of the time. For us it works and we, personally, are happy. I am sorry if that bothers you. There are plenty of negative stories out there to research. That is why I wanted to post my story on here. I am not promoting it. It isn't something that just anyone can do. So I am not sure why you have such a problem with me.

 

It's not that I hadn't had a chance. It's just that in the years I've been researching this I find the same beginning, middle, and end to these type of relationships. The "jealousy," the deception, the disrespect, and the cuckold aspect of it. I don't necessarily have a problem with exactly YOU, but find it interesting that those who are in open relationships get extremely offensive when someone states facts that sheds light on the lifestyle they're living. These relationships don't last long, and the problems will surface as time passes by.

[Lovinhimlovinher]

It's not that I hadn't had a chance. It's just that in the years I've been researching this I find the same beginning, middle, and end to these type of relationships. The "jealousy," the deception, the disrespect, and the cuckold aspect of it. I don't necessarily have a problem with exactly YOU, but find it interesting that those who are in open relationships get extremely offensive when someone states facts that sheds light on the lifestyle they're living. These relationships don't last long, and the problems will surface as time passes by.

 

 

I didn't get extremely offensive, I got extremely defensive. I don't care what the views are when someone calls me a freak and thinks he is better than me because he did the research too, well I get a little defensive. I did the research and I talked to a lot of people. I found a support system within this lifestyle that helped me with my questions and concerns. I am not perfect I am human. I am bond to mess up and so is he, but we work on our problems. If you look back at all of my posts you will see I know this isn't for everyone and it has its trials that the average person doesn't have to deal with but it is a choice that we made together and well informed. The facts are you have not lived it so you can't possibly know all of the "facts".

[Lovinhimlovinher]

Of course there is always going to be the nagging question of just who is the "third wheel."

 

 

You work extra hard to make sure no one feels like that.

[Distant78]

I didn't get extremely offensive, I got extremely defensive. I don't care what the views are when someone calls me a freak and thinks he is better than me because he did the research too, well I get a little defensive. I did the research and I talked to a lot of people. I found a support system within this lifestyle that helped me with my questions and concerns. I am not perfect I am human. I am bond to mess up and so is he, but we work on our problems. If you look back at all of my posts you will see I know this isn't for everyone and it has its trials that the average person doesn't have to deal with but it is a choice that we made together and well informed. The facts are you have not lived it so you can't possibly know all of the "facts".

 

I didn't say I was better than you in anyway and you're right, this isn't for everyone. You don't have to absolutely live something to know the facts, technically. It's a fact all spiders spin a web out of their abdomen but I don't have to be a spider to know that.

[JustJoe]

My questions haven't been answered yet. Why be married at all? I live with my GF, we are committed to each other, and we aren't married. If you have the same, why f**k someone else? Like another poster said why take the risk? There's an old saying, "if it ain't broke , don't fix it". If you, Lovinhimlovinher and Woinlove, are both in such blissful marriages, what motivated you to begin looking for othe people to enter into your marriage, in the first place?, because that's exactly what you are doing. You are allowing other people to be involved in your intimate relationship. I can at least understand swingers, they keep their home life completely separate from their swinger clubs, resorts, etc. What failures or inadequacies caused you to even begin to look into this? Most of the "open marriages", are the result of sexual/emotional dissatifaction by one partner or the other. I have never heard of any couple getting up one morning and both of you simultaneously saying that you want to f**k other people. There has to be a cause. I'm truly not trying to give either of you sh*t, but you are presenting a very idealistic, and one-sided view of "open marriages, when , for the most part, they are almost certain to end in divorce, whereas living together relationships can last for a lifetime.

[Distant78]

If the sex and marriage is so good, there is no need to go to someone else.

[Lovinhimlovinher]

My questions haven't been answered yet. Why be married at all? I live with my GF, we are committed to each other, and we aren't married. If you have the same, why f**k someone else? Like another poster said why take the risk? There's an old saying, "if it ain't broke , don't fix it". If you, Lovinhimlovinher and Woinlove, are both in such blissful marriages, what motivated you to begin looking for othe people to enter into your marriage, in the first place?, because that's exactly what you are doing. You are allowing other people to be involved in your intimate relationship. I can at least understand swingers, they keep their home life completely separate from their swinger clubs, resorts, etc. What failures or inadequacies caused you to even begin to look into this? Most of the "open marriages", are the result of sexual/emotional dissatifaction by one partner or the other. I have never heard of any couple getting up one morning and both of you simultaneously saying that you want to f**k other people. There has to be a cause. I'm truly not trying to give either of you sh*t, but you are presenting a very idealistic, and one-sided view of "open marriages, when , for the most part, they are almost certain to end in divorce, whereas living together relationships can last for a lifetime.

 

I have answered this a couple of times actually.

 

I am only showing my experience.

 

I have stated many time this life isn't for everyone.

[Lovinhimlovinher]

http://abcnews.go.com/US/LifeStages/story?id=3464575&page=1

 

http://www.jennyonthepage.com/WebMD.pdf

 

Just a couple things to read if anyone actually wants to understand a little.

[TheLoveAdvisor]

Simply put, and I didn't make the rules...Marriage is sacred, Holy, and designed solely for one man and one women to share their entire lives together... Each shall do it through hard times, and good times...For, marriage and life isn't about being "happy", no, life is about learning, loving, forgiving, and having a relationship with the one who created marriage, God...

 

With that said, in my opinion, I want that crown at the end... I know what marriage is, and its not sharing my spouse, no matter what kind of deal we have, cause Marriage is not my deal, its a contract I made before a great Creator...

 

I know marriage is work, its hard, but those few tiny moments of happiness make up for every bit of the pain of forsaking all others.....

Thats why the Bride wears white, cause she is pure, untouched by any other....

Love is exactly what cannot be explained rather than its an educational process....

When a person sees marriage for truly what it was designed for, then they truly see love in all of its colors...

I am glad for boundaries that I need not explain to my spouse....