Jennie - an unapologetic OW

[Spark1111]

I haven't seen LS posters probing you with questions and discussing your relationship in every other thread. I was asked to start my own thread, and I thought that was a good suggestion.

 

I think an affair is right for the OW who is deeply in love with her MM, who chooses to be in a relationship with her MM, whose morals do not contradict her being in said relationship, who gets more positives than negatives from the relationship, whose MM treats her well, who isn't sacrificing her opportunity to have children and so on and so on (if I forgot something).

 

So why post here?

 

Like I said, if you are happy then I am happy for you.

 

If you are truly confident that it is all good, then enjoy it.

 

Certainly you understand that much of what is posted is from people who either disagree with you, your relationship, your culture, your mm.

 

Either it is because they care for you, or do not understand you, or totally disagree with you.

 

So why post?

 

If you are not seeking any additional understanding or differing POV, why post?

 

It sounds as if you have a strong need to be validated by strangers on an anonymous internet forum.

 

Why?

 

I personally, welcome the diversity of opinion; learn from it, Want to ear it ALL.

 

You do realize your relationship is unusual but not unheard of. Yet, if you post to help OW, the majority who do not reach 5 years and are writhing in pain, so how can they relate to you and your situation?

 

Or, interject your relationship into an infidelity forum where people are trying to HEAL from the very same relationship you participate in, and you find all sorts or reasons to support your MM's deception of his spouse, which of course you must know, hurts people.

 

Then seem to be defensive when people go bonkers.

 

Why?

 

What is it you truly need from us JJ?

 

To like you? Agree with you? Validate you? Validate your relationship?

 

I still do not know what it is you are seeking here at this forum.

 

But I believe it has become divisive.

 

You help to foster and create camps: those who defend "poor" JJ, those who try to understand JJ; those who want to spare JJ the inevitable pain they see coming her way; those who despise JJ's affair.

 

And I personally, do not see how that benefits anyone other than you JJ; where your posts become the center point of every other thread, as all these camps follow you and your POV.

 

I, for one, grow weary of this too.

 

But you sure do garner a tremendous amount of attention for it....for someone who claims to be so happy and confident of her choices.

 

Is that want you crave JJ? Attention?

[pureinheart]

Pure

 

Jennie was talking of cultures not first love

 

.......I lost the context, going back and forth...when you post it takes you to the last page, I had either skipped that, or had not rolled passed it yet...

[donnamaybe]

That is awesome! I have always believed that every person in the US should either enlist or work at Walmart...for humbling purposes...both seem to have the same affect! I mean this as a compliment:)

Oh, yeah. The military humbles a person out RIGHT quick!

[NoIDidn't]

So why post here?

 

Like I said, if you are happy then I am happy for you.

 

If you are truly confident that it is all good, then enjoy it.

 

Certainly you understand that much of what is posted is from people who either disagree with you, your relationship, your culture, your mm.

 

Either it is because they care for you, or do not understand you, or totally disagree with you.

 

So why post?

 

If you are not seeking any additional understanding or differing POV, why post?

 

It sounds as if you have a strong need to be validated by strangers on an anonymous internet forum.

 

Why?

 

I personally, welcome the diversity of opinion; learn from it, Want to ear it ALL.

 

You do realize your relationship is unusual but not unheard of. Yet, if you post to help OW, the majority who do not reach 5 years and are writhing in pain, so how can they relate to you and your situation?

 

Or, interject your relationship into an infidelity forum where people are trying to HEAL from the very same relationship you participate in, and you find all sorts or reasons to support your MM's deception of his spouse, which of course you must know, hurts people.

 

Then seem to be defensive when people go bonkers.

 

Why?

 

What is it you truly need from us JJ?

 

To like you? Agree with you? Validate you? Validate your relationship?

 

I still do not know what it is you are seeking here at this forum.

 

But I believe it has become divisive.

 

You help to foster and create camps: those who defend "poor" JJ, those who try to understand JJ; those who want to spare JJ the inevitable pain they see coming her way; those who despise JJ's affair.

 

And I personally, do not see how that benefits anyone other than you JJ; where your posts become the center point of every other thread, as all these camps follow you and your POV.

 

I, for one, grow weary of this too.

 

But you sure do garner a tremendous amount of attention for it....for someone who claims to be so happy and confident of her choices.

 

Is that want you crave JJ? Attention?

 

What a great post!

 

And gives me an idea for an actual question as there is really nothing all that unique about most affairs when the BS is kept in the dark about it.

 

Jenny - why do you post hurtful things to BSs in infidelity? Practically trolling that forum to incite people to respond to you. I remember once calling you on it and having Tony send me a "note", which I had to inform him to read your responses to understand why your posts were described as "trolling" as I was in no way calling you a troll.

 

It was very insensitive to post about how much you love your MM when posters are posting that they still love their spouses even though they've been hurt in that forum and in threads where posters are seeking help. Of course, it would be hurtful to an OW to have a W post that she loves her H if they did it to hurt the OW, but that's not what was going on in those threads.

 

I think a lot of the reaction to when you post has very little to do with people not liking your affair. I think it has a lot more to do with your style of posting, and then the fallback on "culture" or not being a native english speaker when responded to negatively. Its very frustrating and comes across very disingenuous, IMO. That may or may not be your intention as I am not posting this to imply motive.

[NoIDidn't]

As you mentioned in a prior post about OWoman's posts helping you, I've often wondered if you see yourself much like her. Maybe I'm wrong.......but I see very few similarities because from what I've read from OWoman's posts, she is nobody's fool and if she didn't get what she wanted........she moved on, she didn't sit by and patiently wait for someone else to change for her. I don't want to put words in her mouth but she strikes me as someone who would say pretty quickly..........don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

 

I agree. I've never seen OWoman post anything that supports staying in a crappy relationship because of shared dysfunction. I might not agree with OWoman, but she is consistent in ALL her beliefs as far as I can tell.

 

A good case in point is a thread started a few months ago that was intended to help hurting OWs. She wouldn't give a hurting OW an excuse to believe to help her stay happy as an OW. She'd tell her to reconsider her choice of being in an affair if the R was hurting her so badly. She'd tell an OW to demand respect regardless of his M.

 

That's not what I see in Jenny's posts at all. Its maintain the affair at all costs. Never let the W win her H back. Accept him and all his problems and he'll have no choice but to see you as the better choice for a R.

 

I can certainly see how and where OWoman's perspective helps Jenny, but its certainly not that they'd react the same in the same R.

[NoIDidn't]

The split self affair is not a "pop psychology thing". Therapist Emily Brown has contributed with a chapter in the book Handbook of the Cliinical Treatment of Infidelity, which presents "a current review of empirical and theoretical work designed to identify successful clinical strategies for addressing infidelity" (Todd Shackelford, PhD, Professor of Psychology, Florida Atlantic University). The editors of the book (Fred P. Piercy, PhD, Virginia Tech; Katherine Hertlein, PhD, Assistant Professor of Marriage and Family Therapy, University of Nevada-Las Vegas; Joseph Wetchler, PhD, Professor and Director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program, Purdue University) have a long list of credentials, and as I understand it work with educating family therapists at university level. So it seems Emily Brown's work is well respected among her peers.

 

Emily Brown describes the dysfunctional family where both spouses want "to do the right thing". They have lost contact with their emotional selves. Just like in the dysfunctional family where the anorectic child shows the symptoms, in this family it is the unfaithful spouse who shows the symptoms of the dysfunctional family.

 

This model of explanation of infidelity suits me. It speaks my language. I believe you can have many different perspectives of the same thing. Imagine you were looking at a diamond. There are so many angles to look at it from, no angle shows it all.

 

I see the split self affair as an explanation, a kickoff from where you can take action, not as an excuse.

 

Understanding why the people we love are doing what we consider "bad" things, like alcoholism, gambling, infidelity, helps us let go of our obsession of their issues and concentrate on ourselves and what we need to work on.

 

Its posts like the above that usually leave your detractors stumped. On the one hand, you say English is not your native language. On the other, you post things like the above that show a mastery of English.

 

Again, I don't know how long you've been speaking English vs your primary language so what comes across as suspect to me may just be your not understanding the things that can and do often get "lost in translation".

[Dexter Morgan]

What do you mean "what is there to understand?" It's about OM/OW messing around with a BSs spouse. That's what's to understand. I agree with Spark. Don't even know what is the point of this thread.

 

combine a thumb, with a nose, and that is more than likely the point.

[jwi71]

Enough people.

 

Let this thread die. NOTHING good comes of this. The tone and direction is going down a dark path. Stop.

 

I swear I have never hit the ALERT US button but I am d@mn close to it.

[Dexter Morgan]

Enough people.

 

Let this thread die. NOTHING good comes of this. The tone and direction is going down a dark path. Stop

 

I agree. As I've said before, with the title of the thread, its pretty obvious what it was designed to do. maybe you could plea with the mods to have it closed?

[desertIslandCactus]

Enough people.

 

Let this thread die. NOTHING good comes of this. The tone and direction is going down a dark path. Stop.

 

I swear I have never hit the ALERT US button but I am d@mn close to it.

 

Why JWI?

 

This is JJ's thread and for her to take questions, and respond - or not.

 

Personally I just think that LS is getting more action - than Jennie is, though.

[pureinheart]

Enough people.

 

Let this thread die. NOTHING good comes of this. The tone and direction is going down a dark path. Stop.

 

I swear I have never hit the ALERT US button but I am d@mn close to it.

 

Your right...BTW, happy holidays to you, your gf and your kids:)

[jthorne]

Enough people.

 

Let this thread die. NOTHING good comes of this. The tone and direction is going down a dark path. Stop.

 

I swear I have never hit the ALERT US button but I am d@mn close to it.

Over what? She's been excellent in answering what she wishes to answer and ignoring the rest.

[jthorne]

Why JWI?

 

This is JJ's thread and for her to take questions, and respond - or not.

 

Personally I just think that LS is getting more action - than Jennie is, though.

You mean talking/writing more about the R than actually having it? I think that's been mentioned before.

[Ellin]

Ok, that's wonderful.

 

So, why the need to explain, or justify, or even start a thread, or post on a forum where others seek support.

 

Am I missing something? No offense intended, JJ.

 

If you do NOT have an issue, or a question, or some pain, or need guidance, or seek to understand some facet of the relationship....what is this thread all about?

 

How to be happy and content in a long term affair?

 

I mean, what IS the point of this thread?

 

To explain....what exactly?

 

That it is perfect and you accept it and it is fine for now, and if it is not fine tomorrow, you will at least have had five years together.

 

Ok....but isn't that true for any relationship?

 

And if you are fine with it, why this thread? To defend it? Receive attention for it?

 

I feel dense, and I apologize. But I still don't understand.

Jennie can start a thread on this forum about something that happens in her life just like anyone else. She is not obliged to give special reasons / justification for it or ask anyone's permisson.

 

If someone doesn't see any point of this thread THEY DON'T HAVE TO PARTICIPATE. Juts move over to another thread that you think is worthy of your time.

[jthorne]

Jennie can start a thread on this forum about something that happens in her life just like anyone else. She is not obliged to give special reasons / justification for it or ask anyone's permisson.

 

If someone doesn't see any point of this thread THEY DON'T HAVE TO PARTICIPATE. Juts move over to another thread that you think is worthy of your time.

As can you, instead of suggesting how/where people should post

 

Just guessing, but I think people are politely trying to point out that she seems to be attention seeking. If that's the case, maybe it would be helpful for her to look into why she needs that much attention.

[anne1707]

As can you, instead of suggesting how/where people should post

 

Just guessing, but I think people are politely trying to point out that she seems to be attention seeking. If that's the case, maybe it would be helpful for her to look into why she needs that much attention.

 

IMO, it was also not so much a request for JJ to start a thread because people were so interested in her affair but more along the lines of please start your own thread rather than letting details of her affair threadjack everybody elses thread.

[Ellin]

As can you, instead of suggesting how/where people should post

 

Just guessing, but I think people are politely trying to point out that she seems to be attention seeking. If that's the case, maybe it would be helpful for her to look into why she needs that much attention.

I don't feel any need to stay away from this thread and find it strange that so many posters seem bothered by its existence and even stranger that they keep calling for this thread to be removed.

[Ellin]

These are perfect examples of what is not related to me and our relationship. It is related to the issues my MM has which prevent him from being honest with his wife. By looking at it like you suggest I would inflict harm on myself. By looking at it as being his problem it is his problem.

Wow, this is amazing, just like what you wrote about much of OW's pain being self-inflicted due to expectations and perceptions.

 

Such wisdom; sadly most people don't seem to understand.

 

That ultimately no one can make us feel anything we don't want to feel and it doesn't matter whether we're with someone or far apart. In the same way we can continue "being" hurt by someone even if we stay away from them.

 

That ultimate freedom that can allow us to take ownership of our own feelings and thoughts and stop giving the power over them to other people.

 

Something I've been trying to work on recently. Thank you for the inspiration.

[desertIslandCactus]

Wow, this is amazing, just like what you wrote about much of OW's pain being self-inflicted due to expectations and perceptions.

 

Such wisdom; sadly most people don't seem to understand.

 

That ultimately no one can make us feel anything we don't want to feel and it doesn't matter whether we're with someone or far apart. In the same way we can continue "being" hurt by someone even if we stay away from them.

 

That ultimate freedom that can allow us to take ownership of our own feelings and thoughts and stop giving the power over them to other people.

 

Something I've been trying to work on recently. Thank you for the inspiration.

 

Yes, I believe that to be true Ellin. People cannot hurt us, unless we allow them to.

 

And taking responsibility, does give us the power back, and freedom.

 

Sometimes although we think we know what is best for us, when something doesn't happen - there can be reason for it.

 

I know when my H and I met, we were both free, equally yoked, and of the same accord. Everything went smoothly.

[thissecretgirl]

The above quote by OWoman is why:).

 

Also, and this is paraphrasing, I read where Jennie stated that discussing her R gives her clarity...which would be support and discussion at the same time.

 

I must admit I find it very interesting to hear about others affair dynamics and thoughts. JJ's relationship reminds me very much of a couple affairs that I know of, close to home and I welcome hearing a fresh perspective and opinon.

It does feel like its not so much the fact that a thread of this nature exists that's the issue, so much as this particular OW's perspective that people dont want airing.

 

Thats how it comes across to a newbie.

 

I would have thought thats exactly what The OM/W forum was for?

[desertIslandCactus]

I must admit I find it very interesting to hear about others affair dynamics and thoughts. JJ's relationship reminds me very much of a couple affairs that I know of, close to home and I welcome hearing a fresh perspective and opinon.

It does feel like its not so much the fact that a thread of this nature exists that's the issue, so much as this particular OW's perspective that people dont want airing.

 

Thats how it comes across to a newbie.

 

I would have thought thats exactly what The OM/W forum was for?

 

Yes, I agree with the bolded.

[Tony]

Enough of this. Thanks!