I need some advice

[smirn]

Hi everyone,

 

I was with my ex-girlfriend for 5 years before we broke up. It wasn't until she started her new job and moved 400 miles away that she started to have doubts. She initially said that she needs space to find herself and be independent before we can get back together. She also said that this break up will make us stronger. This made a lot of sense because when were together in college, we hung out with each other a lot. She was a very needy person and always wanted my presents around her. I had no problems with this because I loved her very much and also enjoyed her presents. So when she started her job, I was still in school and I was no longer there to comfort her when she needed me. She missed me very much and felt like she needs to work on her independence because she feels like a very needy person.

 

This "needs space" eventually grew to, “we should date other people because how do we know we are right for each other”. This was very hard for me in the beginning because I felt like she had interest in someone else. We would talk about every other day and she would tell me, that she wants to be with me at the end and that she misses me. These calls would also be for emotional support when she would have a rough day. We even visited each other a few times and things just seemed perfect when we were together. It was like we were not even broken up. I asked her if she liked anyone or even if she kissed anyone because I was very curious. She said no and that she compares a lot of guys to me and that they do not even come close to me or what she is looking for.

 

This breakup has been going on for about 4 months but I still felt like we were getting back together because we started to hang out with each other more often. She came to visit me last week and checked her email. She then left my house to visit her friend but forgot to log off. I could not help but look through some of her personal emails. I found one email that she sent to a coworker that said, she feels sad that this one guy can not commit to her. Later on that night I asked her about it. She broke down and cried and told me that she was seeing him and that they were having sex for about 2 and half months. But, they are no longer together because he cannot commit to her, hence the fact that she called and hung out with me more often. She has also realized that he only wants sex from her because he does not give her emotional support and that he does not even care what is going on in her life. Although, she knows he only wants one thing, she still goes to him whenever he wants it. But now claims, that she has finally ended it and that they have not seen or had sex with each other for a week now. This broke my heart because she lied to me and she was intimate with someone else. Even though we were broken up she hung on to me and always made me feel like there was a chance of getting back together. During this time, she was having sex with both of us.

 

I told her that I can no longer be her friend because she was dishonest. She cried and cried and told me she wants me back and that she made a mistake. She said that she needed to explore and experience this to realize how much of a good guy I am since we got together at a really young age and became inseparable. I was firm and told her that I never ever wanted to talk to her again.

 

Now, I miss her terribly and I can forgive her because I feel like she was sincere and I do still love her very much. It has been only a day since I told her I do not want to talk to her. Again, she is a very needy person and I am afraid she might go back to that guy because he will feed her the right lines she wants to hear, although she promises she will never see him again. What should I do? Should I wait a while before I speak to her again so she can realize how great of a person I was to her? I am afraid that if I go back to her so soon, she will take me for granted and may feel like she wants to be single again. Or should I completely leave her and find someone else who would not do such a thing to me? She was my first girlfriend so I have not experienced anyone else but I feel like she is the one I want to marry.

 

Please help,

Smirn

[Fedup&givingup]

I am so sorry-I'll bet you are just crushed! I think your girlfriend is very confused, and she didn't know what she wanted. She was stringing you along, because she knew she still held your heart in your hands.

 

I would be VERY cautious in giving her another chance. Honestly though, she sounds somewhat innocent and naive herself. What I mean by that, is I seriously doubt she is experienced in doing this to guys...she sincerely was upset when you confronted her.

 

Trusting her again is going to be very difficult, and you are 400 miles apart. That is a long way. I guess my advice to you is not to cave into her right away and let her know she can come back to you...wait it out for at LEAST two weeks before you even call her. From the sound of it, both of you are miserable right now and very vulnerable.

 

There will always be that special place in your heart for her...she was your first true love, and for some that's a learning lesson and for others there was never anything better. You are going to have to figure that out. It's such a cliche to say, "time heals all wounds"...it's very true, and I am FEEL for you, because this is your first love followed with a first heart break.

 

I suppose I would ultimately say let her go...she used you, and although I do feel on a great level that she did actually care for you, she cared for you for the wrong reasons. I know it hurts, but I would refrain from any contact from her for at least those two weeks...keep us informed on what's going on. There are a lot of excellent people that give advice here.

[hurtingandconfused]

Don't contact her, let her be. You do not need this right now. Give yourselves some space to think about what happened, and then begin the planning. It's clear to me that if that other guy would have committed your thread would have been "coping" not "second chances." If you give her a second chance right now she will know that she has you by the balls. She will think that you will accept her whenever she makes mistakes.

 

she promises she will never see him again.

 

You trust her completely already?

 

This broke my heart because she lied to me

 

She's done it once before.

[smirn]

She told me the reason why she wanted a relationship with him was because she felt used. She felt like if there is sex involved, there should be emotions involved as well. They started off physical and she felt very guilty about it, that is why she was persuing a commited relationship with him, because if they were commited they would get to know each other and it would grow from that. She used the example of getting pregnent with someone then getting married. You want the guy to be around when the baby is born because that is what it needs. So with sex, you want the emotions as well. Does this reason warrant her for wanting a relationship with him? She says that he does not compare to me but was with him to help cope with our breakup.

 

For some reason her reasoning made more sense when she told me but now it doesn't, maybe I am wording it differently or maybe I wasn't thinking straight when she said it.

 

I totaly agree that if I give her a second chance right now, she will think that Iwill accept her whenever she makes mistakes. I will give myself space to think things over, but I strongly feel like I want to forgive her and take her back in the future. I do now want to jump back into a serious relationship but instead, learn to love each other again so I can regain that trust.

 

As I stated in my previous post, she said that she needed to explore and experience this to realize how much of a good guy I am since we got together at a really young age. I believe her when she said that or is the fact that I'm still love her clouding my judgement?

 

I do not completly trust her yet, that is why I am afraid she might go back to the guy. However, I do feel she knows she made a mistake with him and he is not right for her.

[Fedup&givingup]

If she's telling you how she wants an emotional connection with this guy because they are/have been having sex, than you do NOT need to be put in the middle of it. I would take advantage of the 400 mile proximity distance as a vice in staying away from her. She's confused and dragging you into her world. Nope...stay focussed on your work.