Partner sees ex more than he sees me

[HeavenOrHell]

He's not cheating on me, that's not the issue, what I find hard sometimes is that his ex stays at his place every other weekend on average, sometimes it's consecutive weekends, sometimes every other weekend and sometimes (rare) it's every 3 weeks. She lives an hour and a half from him.

I have no issue with them being good friends still, I am good friends and close to my ex still, my ex lives 20 mins walk from me, the problem is I feel that because he spends way more time with her than he does me (I've spent about 16 days with him since April) that they will remain closer than me and him are and I find that tough. I emailed him today and said I don't feel he's doing anything wrong as such it's just that sometimes I feel like they're the couple, they hang out together, go shopping together, go to see bands, watch films, cook together, and feel like I'm the person he has a sexual r/ship with, which is silly cos the way he is with me and the things he says make it clear I am his gf and very special to him, and when his ex is there he makes a point of calling me and texting me so I know I'm not forgotten or anything. They were together 11 years.

I am close to my ex (together 18 years) but because I only see him every 2-3 weeks for 2 hours I feel closer to my partner, and I share way more with my partner than I do my ex. Admittedly I would love to see my ex once a week, but it's not that practical seeing as he is also in another r/ship, so I'm no different than my partner in that I want to see more of my ex, but I would still feel closer to my partner as I share more with him, I worry he shares as much or almost as much with his ex still (apart from sex, cuddling, intimacy).

I trust him, but I'm just envious in some ways as I wish it were me spending that time with him. I should feel I'm the one closest to him.

It got me thinking about how in the hell can we become closer to each other (moving won't be happening for a while yet) if we can only see each other 4 or 5 weeks a year, during his time off work, and I'm guessing he may want to see friends in the States for part of that, I don't know.

I asked him if it would be hard leaving his ex behind if/when he moves, he said yes but it's not his main concern, and that she's thinking of moving a long way away anyway but also that visiting him won't be a problem as she's very mobile as he put it.

Anyway, how would YOU feel in my situation, bear in my mind he is not a cheater, this isn't the issue, and no way would I ask him to see less of her, I'm just not sure how to deal with it, she's there this weekend, and last, and I'm home alone feeling left out. He's coming here for xmas, I'm already worried about him leaving again.

I'm having doubts I can deal with an LDR, but I love him way too much to walk away.

[creighton0123]

I'd be the same boat. I would trust him as much as you are trusting him, knowing and being solid in how you feel for him.

 

I would, however, be jealous. Jealousy/envy is a natural emotion in long distance relationships. Have you two ever had discussions about how the distance makes him feel?

 

Sometimes, knowing that the other person misses you as well is the best thing your partner can say.

[Art_Critic]

He must get something from the relationship with her other than friendship as friends don't do the things together that they do when each other are in relationships..

 

It sounds to me that you are his physical relationship and she is his emotional one.

 

Till he recognizes that he is damaging your relationship by allowing the emotional affair to continue you will always feel left out..

 

Honestly.. there isn't anything wrong with being friends with and ex.. but he is more.. and that I would have an issue with..

 

You really should speak with him about this and hopefully he will start to limit the emotional relationship he is having with her..

[HeavenOrHell]

He's closed emotionally, as he puts it, so he doesn't talk about missing me as much as I do, he does say he misses me sometimes, and he said that just cos he doesn't say it often doesn't mean he doesn't miss me.

He was in an LDR with his ex until they lived together, they went a year without seeing each other once, so he's more used to it, although he said that doesn't mean he finds it easier, he just said that he wants to focus on the positive things about us, rather than dwell on the distance, and focus on the fact we have something special (we do) rather than the negative, and that we will live closer in time so to bear in mind it won't always be like this.

 

 

I'd be the same boat. I would trust him as much as you are trusting him, knowing and being solid in how you feel for him.

 

I would, however, be jealous. Jealousy/envy is a natural emotion in long distance relationships. Have you two ever had discussions about how the distance makes him feel?

 

Sometimes, knowing that the other person misses you as well is the best thing your partner can say.

[Art_Critic]

He's closed emotionally, as he puts it,

 

There is the damage being created right there...

 

She is filling the emotional need he has and then closes it to you..

 

Time for a serious sitdown.. hammer it out..

The guy loves you but doesn't understand how damaging not being emotionally close to you is.

[HeavenOrHell]

But we can't do anything about the distance for a while, so they're bound to stay close while I'm 500 miles from him, I wouldn't feel right asking him to see less of her I don't know what I want him to do in order for this to feel ok.

Some of you might remember that she still slept in his bed until I said I wasn't happy with it, this was a few months ago, she was emotionally dependent on him then as she was getting in his bed as she gets nightmares, she is quite childlike, he did listen when I said I wasn't happy with it, although at first I was annoyed as he said I'll ask her not to sleep in the bed but can't guarantee she won't, so I said no, I want you to tell her she can't, otherwise you are putting her first before me, and he apologised for being selfish as he put it. They're both inexperienced with relationships, they've only ever had each other, no other r/ships as such, both are naive in some respects, including boundaries in r/ships.

I feel she is less dependent on him than she was, as she was staying with him every w/end, but she seems to be making more friends now. There was a time she was going to be homeless and maybe move back in, I said to him that wouldn't work for me, ie; dealbreaker, and that it would restrict us even more than we are now. Looks like it's not going to happen anyway, it would have caused big problems as far as I'm concerned.

 

 

I agree with Art, whether he realizes it or not I think they are more invested on an emotional level. I do not doubt his love for you and that cheating is not a concern. But when you are no longer a couple then certain things should be broken, else you continue fostering that past relationship.

[Art_Critic]

Do you know her ?

 

Honestly HH this sounds eff'd up.. she was still sleeping in his bed and it took you to enforce a boundary..

 

Are you sure this guy is the one for you ?..

Have you talked about the future and the roles you both will play in each others futures ?

 

He doesn't sound fully committed to you.. that is the concern I'm having.. that doesn't mean he isn't but honestly it sounds like he is still in love with his ex..

 

Sorry that you have to feel put in the middle..

Enforce you own boundary's that you know to be healthy for you.

[HeavenOrHell]

Not sure about that, one of the reasons she left him was cos he is closed emotionally, so he's not sharing more emotional stuff with her than me as such, it's just the time shared doing stuff together which gets to me sometimes. In some respects he is emotional with me and I would hope more so than he is with her, I don't now.

I sent him a message earlier saying how I felt, but he might not respond as he might not know how to it wasn't an accusing message at all.

 

There is the damage being created right there...

 

She is filling the emotional need he has and then closes it to you..

 

Time for a serious sitdown.. hammer it out..

The guy loves you but doesn't understand how damaging not being emotionally close to you is.

[crystle600188]

If I was in your situation I would NOT deal with this. I don't care if it sounded selfish, but it would have to either chose me or her, because emotionally I would simply not be able to handle it. Oh gosh my heart feels for you. I'm jealous enough as is that my SO is friends with his old crush, let alone his ex of 11 years.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, I feel he's the person I want to be with long term.

He wanted to talk about the future soon after we met, I wasn't ready to think about it then, he said a few months ago he wants to be living closer or with me in 2 years time, we agreed it was best if he moves to my country, he is happy with that.

He said a while ago he thinks me and his ex would get on well and he was saying why don't I talk to her on the phone (I haven't cos I'm shy), he would like it if we were in touch, I will meet her at some stage when I'm ready. He is meeting my ex at xmas, we're all pretty unconventional people But I have my limits.

Mostly I feel he is fully committed to me, other times I'm not so sure, but it could just be me over thinking things which I tend to do (so does he). I don't feel he is in love with his ex, I don't get that impression at all, just cos of the things he says to me and the way he is with me and also the things he says to me about her, they are like brother and sister he said, she's his best friend. I guess I wish I was his best friend, although I do have another best friend besides him, but she's female, my ex is another best friend.

He hasn't replied to my message from this morning and he's not texted or called today, so now I'm worried he's upset/annoyed by my message, although it's probably that he doesn't know how to reply or can't reply properly while his ex is there, argh.

 

Do you know her ?

 

Honestly HH this sounds eff'd up.. she was still sleeping in his bed and it took you to enforce a boundary..

 

Are you sure this guy is the one for you ?..

Have you talked about the future and the roles you both will play in each others futures ?

 

He doesn't sound fully committed to you.. that is the concern I'm having.. that doesn't mean he isn't but honestly it sounds like he is still in love with his ex..

 

Sorry that you have to feel put in the middle..

Enforce you own boundary's that you know to be healthy for you.

[hoping2heal]

although it's probably that he doesn't know how to reply or can't reply properly while his ex is there, argh.

 

I understand that not everyone has relationships with the same set of "ground rules" so to speak. However, you seem the like outsider looking in with this last statement. It makes her sound like the main woman and you are the "thing on the side". Everything else you have written seems to support that for the most part too, the only difference being that no one is hiding anything from anyone where him and her are concerned.

 

 

I don't know I guess if you are really all that comfortable with a guy who is more less having a relationship with his ex while dating you, then okay.

[HeavenOrHell]

Many thanks for all your replies, much appreciated

[HeavenOrHell]

He called to talk about it, he sounded upset cos he thought I was saying I don't trust him, he said he's not closer to her just cos he sees more of her, he seemed hurt that I would think that. I said I don't feel it's a trust issue as such, as I do trust him, it was more the not knowing how emotionally close they are.

He said he's sorry he's not forthcoming with his feelings and that he can see how it might seem I miss him more for example if he's not saying it and I am, I said I'm often guessing things because of it.

He said he does seem to deal with the distance better than me, which made me think I miss him more or have deeper feelings for him than he does for me, he said he just tries to look at things in a positive way.

I said all I could see was years ahead of only seeing each other 3 or 4 weeks a year and he said no, not at all, that the reason he deals with this is cos he does see an end to it, otherwise there would be no point to us. So I felt better about that. It's not helped by the fact he doesn't talk about the future, I know it's cos he feels anxious about moving though, but it would help if he did talk about it without me bringing it up first.

I said to him you have insecurities about us too don't you? (cos I've caught glimpses of it at times) And he laughed in an "of course I do!" way and said yes but I usually don't talk about I feel.

He does understand why I feel the way I do, that I wish it was me spending time with him instead of his ex and he agreed, I said I'd feel the same if it were any friend he were spending lots of time with, just cos it isn't me, but that it's a bit worse cos it's his ex.

I said I wasn't asking him to spend less time with her or anything but I had to say how I felt, and he understood, and he put my mind at rest, I am the most important person to him even if we don't see each other often. Aw, I think he felt upset that I could question or doubt his love for me Cos to him it's obvious what he feels for me.

He does worry I can't cope with an LDR, that it makes me unhappy, cos he said the same problems keeps coming up, me finding it hard basically, he copes with it better cos he's done it before, he said maybe he copes cos he's so romantic and knows it will be ok, but that he doesn't find it easy.

He wants us to talk about it next week.

I suffer with depression, so I think problems affect me a lot more.

I said I assume stuff a lot cos he's not very open with his feelings, he said he's going to try and open up more.

He said my negativity about us does affect him, makes him worry, but he said that I can't help how I feel.

I also feel I'm focussing on me and him too much as I gave up my full time voluntary work to try and save my last r/ship and I don't have enough to occupy me, I'm working on that that though, I don't want our r/ship to be the main focus in my life, he works full time so has less time to dwell on us.

I feel better after talking to him, although the conversation was hard at first.

I feel a bit pathetic though

[Art_Critic]

I feel a bit pathetic though

 

Don't feel pathetic.. talking with him about this was tough to do and important.

 

HH.. He is spending Christmas with you and not her ?

How long before he moves to your Country ?

[aerogurl87]

HeavenorHell this whole situation is just messed up. From your description of their "friendship" it sounds like they're a couple without the label of boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't know of anyone who could do things like that with someone they loved at one point in time on a regular basis and not get any type of emotional connection to them in the long run. As crystle said, if it were me I'd make him choose. Either he cuts his ties to her or it'd be over for me. This isn't just a friendship they have, it's bordering on being an outright relationship.

[folieadeux]

HOH, I give you so much credit because I could personally never deal with this situation. I know you and your SO both have your own reasons for keeping in touch with your exs, but I think that his contact with her is to excess. Forgive me if you already clarified, but is there any reason why they both spend so much time together? I think it's fine to be civil with exs, but I personally would never consider any of the guys from my past as friends. If my boyfriend was doing this, it would be a deal breaker for me. I'm not suggesting by any means that you part ways, I'm just saying I personally am not strong enough to deal with something like this. I don't doubt that he loves you, but I think he has to realize that what he's doing is downright disrespectful to you. I'm glad you were able to speak to him about it and you definitely shouldn't feel pathetic in the least. Your concerns are very valid. But the thing I'm struggling with is why you even had to bring this up. He should just realize on his own how hurtful this is to you.

[Els]

OP, I understand from your previous posts that your relationship dynamic is different from others'.

 

That being said, I don't know a SINGLE person whose ex stays over at their place frequently! Not. A. Single. Person. It doesn't matter whether they're having sex or not; it just won't do, for obvious reasons, including how it makes the person's current SO feel (as you realize). Why do you 'not feel right' asking him not to do all the things that people do with their partners, with her?

 

I'm still 'friends' with my exes. We chat regularly, meet up occasionally; there is no distinction between my exes and other friends. But yours is a whole different ballgame.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, he's coming here for xmas. In April he said he wants to be living closer/with me in 2 years, so I guess in less than 1 1/2 years.

I feel sad that he was hurt he thought I didn't trust him, when to him it's obvious he's closer to me than he is to her even if he spends all that time with her.

 

 

Don't feel pathetic.. talking with him about this was tough to do and important.

 

HH.. He is spending Christmas with you and not her ?

How long before he moves to your Country ?

[sammyd]

I agree with the 2 posts above.

I'm fine with ex's being friends, but still sleeping in the same bed??!! Come on, that's a wake up call right there, and it is totally innappropriate! It's not a matter of trust and he needs to realise that, and not try and spin it around onto you as a 'trust' issue.

I think you've been really very reasonable, but it's bound to upset you a bit. I think anyone in this position would be.

Defo talk about it again with him. Hopefully he will see how much it's upsetting you and cut down the contact a bit. What does she need to stay over so often for anyway? Can't they call/email?

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't want their friendship to end, I've always found it petty (no offence meant to anyone here, but it's how I feel) when people think couples should cut each other out of their lives as soon as their r/ship ends, fair enough some couples ending up not getting on with their partner anymore, or disliking or even hating each other and never want to see each other again, but what about the ones who are still good friends and love each other as friends, I would find it an even sadder world than it is now if two people who still get on so well couldn't stay friends. There's too much animosity and division in the world already.

No way would I ask him to choose, I would hate for him to ask me to choose between him and my ex too, I would find it immature and would also be upset thinking he doesn't trust me.

I feel better for talking to him last night, I was assuming they were closer than me and him are but I was clearly wrong. They still spend a lot of time together but they do have boundaries now.

I feel if I really can't handle their r/ship then I should walk away, because I don't feel he is doing anything wrong (not so much now we talked). I would feel absurd asking him to end their friendship. I also feel he would find it hard being with someone who didn't want him to see his ex anymore, admittedly many people wouldn't be happy with their friendship, but on the other hand plenty of people are open minded enough to be ok with it, and I like to think I'm one of those. BUT he knows I need him to open up to me more in general otherwise I am guessing everything.

 

Nicely put, Elswyth, and I completely agree. I think the problem here is that this former couple does not know where to draw the line. Their relationship ended, so these things that they do should end as well. HoH you should not feel bad... in fact, he should. He should have long ago offered to give up this relationship, imo, since he knows that it makes you uncomfortable.

 

Now you are in the uncomfortable position of asking him. I think you two should talk openly, that this is not so much about trust, but that it is just flat out inappropriate.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes the bed issue was way out of line, thoughtless on both their accounts, he realised how selfish and thoughtless it was. They're both naive when it comes to boundaries and r/ships.

I am a bit annoyed that it was turned around to sound like a trust issue, I want him to see how reasonable I have been about them, and how many people wouldn't be, he did used to say he really appreciated me being ok with their friendship, but yesterday he said the issue keeps coming up, I don't think it does though, I barely ever mention it.

I'm annoyed cos if I email him again I know he'll think, what's she gonna say now.

She stays over just cos they don't live that close to each other, a bit far to come for the day, and just cos they want to spend a lot of time together I guess.

I'm worried if I email again and say I want him to see how reasonable I have been that it will f*** things up, but I guess if it does then he's choosing her f/ship over our r/ship, then I'll know where his priorities are. I know he would resent if if I asked him to cut down his time with her, so there's no point as it won't help the situation.

They call and email and msn as well as meet.

 

I agree with the 2 posts above.

I'm fine with ex's being friends, but still sleeping in the same bed??!! Come on, that's a wake up call right there, and it is totally innappropriate! It's not a matter of trust and he needs to realise that, and not try and spin it around onto you as a 'trust' issue.

I think you've been really very reasonable, but it's bound to upset you a bit. I think anyone in this position would be.

Defo talk about it again with him. Hopefully he will see how much it's upsetting you and cut down the contact a bit. What does she need to stay over so often for anyway? Can't they call/email?

[HeavenOrHell]

The bed issue ended months ago, after we talked about it.

[crystle600188]

Just a question for thought.

Say you DID ask him to chose between the two of you, her or you. What do you truly believe he would do. Would he still chose her? If so...then there really is a problem with the relationship, whether you are willing to let it slide or not.

[HeavenOrHell]

I've no idea who he would choose, he would find it impossible, I'd guess he'd choose her as he wouldn't want to be with someone who would make him choose.

 

 

Just a question for thought.

Say you DID ask him to chose between the two of you, her or you. What do you truly believe he would do. Would he still chose her? If so...then there really is a problem with the relationship, whether you are willing to let it slide or not.

[Citizen Erased]

This isn't the same as what others do, wanting them to cut a friendship, they're still in a relationship. Another woman is having sleep overs at your partner's home, a lot may I add, they want to spend as much time possible togeter...this is someone he has slept with, he loved, he obviously still cares for.

 

You're being made to feel like you're insecure when he's being incredibly inappropriate with another woman. And I think he's doing it on purpose so you'll feel guilty and won't insist on some real boundaries.

 

You cannot compare this to others situations, asking them to cut contact. Cos your guy is actually replacing you with her while you're not around. He can say you two are closer but you're not, he's spending a lot of time with her, she is sleeping at his home, they go out to movies, they cook dinner together. They're essentially dating. You have to be ok with that so he can't accuse you of being insecure?

 

 

 

I don't want their friendship to end, I've always found it petty (no offence meant to anyone here, but it's how I feel) when people think couples should cut each other out of their lives as soon as their r/ship ends, fair enough some couples ending up not getting on with their partner anymore, or disliking or even hating each other and never want to see each other again, but what about the ones who are still good friends and love each other as friends, I would find it an even sadder world than it is now if two people who still get on so well couldn't stay friends. There's too much animosity and division in the world already.

No way would I ask him to choose, I would hate for him to ask me to choose between him and my ex too, I would find it immature and would also be upset thinking he doesn't trust me.

I feel better for talking to him last night, I was assuming they were closer than me and him are but I was clearly wrong. They still spend a lot of time together but they do have boundaries now.

I feel if I really can't handle their r/ship then I should walk away, because I don't feel he is doing anything wrong (not so much now we talked). I would feel absurd asking him to end their friendship. I also feel he would find it hard being with someone who didn't want him to see his ex anymore, admittedly many people wouldn't be happy with their friendship, but on the other hand plenty of people are open minded enough to be ok with it, and I like to think I'm one of those. BUT he knows I need him to open up to me more in general otherwise I am guessing everything.