Partner sees ex more than he sees me

[HeavenOrHell]

But his future is with ME, it's ME he is in love with, not her, so isn't that what matters? He describes them as brother and sister now.

I can guarantee he's not doing anything on purpose, he's one of the most upfront, honest people I've ever met, he's not a bull****ter.

It doesn't feel to me like they're dating, it's more that I'm envious as I wish it were me spending that time with him, I believe him now he's said he's closer to me than he is her, that what we have is totally different to what they have. I shouldn't have assumed they were closer just cos they physically spend way more time together.

It's good to hear everyone's thoughts on this, thank you

 

This isn't the same as what others do, wanting them to cut a friendship, they're still in a relationship. Another woman is having sleep overs at your partner's home, a lot may I add, they want to spend as much time possible togeter...this is someone he has slept with, he loved, he obviously still cares for.

 

You're being made to feel like you're insecure when he's being incredibly inappropriate with another woman. And I think he's doing it on purpose so you'll feel guilty and won't insist on some real boundaries.

 

You cannot compare this to others situations, asking them to cut contact. Cos your guy is actually replacing you with her while you're not around. He can say you two are closer but you're not, he's spending a lot of time with her, she is sleeping at his home, they go out to movies, they cook dinner together. They're essentially dating. You have to be ok with that so he can't accuse you of being insecure?

[Rollercoasterr]

You're SO much better than this. Why are you justifying his actions when YOU started the thread because it made you feel uncomfortable? You know deep down that this is inappropriate or you wouldn't have asked for opinions. If you had truly felt that this was okay, posting this thread would have never crossed your mind. If you are really honest with yourself, you think this is as screwed up as we do.

 

Nothing about this situation is appropriate. Yes, exes CAN be friends, but they don't sleep over at each others houses, cook together, go out together, etc. All the things that they are doing are things that couples do. I have never in my life heard of another pair of exes that do this, no matter how amicable they are. My best friend and her ex husband are as close as you can get, but they don't do any of these things. Your guy is basically having his cake and eating it too. He has you and he has her. You're too far away to fulfill his every day need for companionship, so she's there to fill the void with all of the couply things that you and he would be doing if you were there.

 

You keep saying that there is no sex going on, but that doesn't really matter. What's going on here is completely emotional. You can paint this picture any way you want to, but he DOES have some sort of emotional attachment to this girl or this wouldn't be happening. It just wouldn't. It's not about jealousy or trust, it's about respect for your partner and he's not respecting you one bit by bringing this other woman into his home to spend the night.

 

Why is it that you're afraid to ask him to choose, really? Is it because you're afraid that he'll pick her? As much as I hate the word, you're acting like a doormat, honey. You are obviously uncomfortable with the situation but you will take anything he says as gospel just because you're afraid. Stop making excuses for him and look at this without those rose colored glasses. This is messed up and you don't have to take it. You're close with your ex but you aren't doing half the things that your guy is doing. He is taking it WAY too far.

[LittleTiger]

But his future is with ME, it's ME he is in love with, not her, so isn't that what matters? He describes them as brother and sister now.

I can guarantee he's not doing anything on purpose, he's one of the most upfront, honest people I've ever met, he's not a bull****ter.

It doesn't feel to me like they're dating, it's more that I'm envious as I wish it were me spending that time with him, I believe him now he's said he's closer to me than he is her, that what we have is totally different to what they have. I shouldn't have assumed they were closer just cos they physically spend way more time together.

It's good to hear everyone's thoughts on this, thank you

 

Hi HOH. Sorry to see you're still not happy with the friendship between your partner and his ex. I'm going to be brutally honest and say that I agree with most of the posts already made here. I have no doubt that your partner is a wonderful man, but now that he is in a relationship with you, even a LD one, he should be paying more attention to your needs and spending less time with his ex. You should not feel uncomfortable about bringing up things that concern you for fear of upsetting him.

 

I do understand that you, your partner and your respective exes have a slightly unusual take on maintaining friendships and I'm a big believer in 'each to their own' or 'whatever works for you'. The problem here is that this isn't working for you.

 

Your ex is fine with things as they are, your partner is fine with things as they are, your partner's ex is fine with things as they are - you, however, are clearly not fine and the current arrangement is therefore not 'working for you'.

 

You say that your partner and his ex are like brother and sister but, seriously, they are not acting like a brother and sister - at least not normal ones. I love my brother, just as I love my exH, we keep in touch, we get along fine and can enjoy each other's company but I don't see either of them very often. I spent 6 days with my exH last Summer. My partner said it was fine at the time. Six months later he admits he wasn't entirely happy about it, so it won't be happening again - out of respect for my partner.

 

I do wonder about the families of your partner and his ex. Do they have parents/siblings/cousins/aunts/uncles/nephews/nieces? It seems to me that they are both trying to fill a big empty void by using each other as close 'family'. If that's the case then I'd be a little concerned about the depth of their emotional connection. It seems rather too strong for comfort in my opinion. Your comfort that is.

 

Only you can decide if this is going to be a deal breaker for you. I'm pretty open minded about friendships with exes but this one would be a deal breaker for me. It isn't about whether you can trust him, I'm sure you can. It isn't even about who is more important or who he spends more time with. My gut instinct tells me this is 'unfinished business' and the fact that you even started this thread makes me think that, deep down, you're feeling the same.

Edited December 20, 2010 by LittleTiger

[Els]

There is no question about it, this can be agreed on almost unanimously: their relationship is completely inappropriate, crossing boundaries and unfair to you. HoH, why have you spent half of this thread justifying his behavior when you don't even like it? You belittle your own thoughts, and keep telling yourself, No, no, this is ok because he says... but in truth it makes you highly uncomfortable (from everything you have expressed). You don't like it anymore than we do, so why are you accepting it?

 

This. I'm wondering this as well.

 

If you feel it's petty of you to ask him to cut her completely out of his life - well, don't. There's a pretty wide range between 'NC' and 'Not sleeping over'. In fact, that range is where MOST appropriate friendships fall into.

 

C'mon. Would YOU spend days at a 'platonic friend's house while having a LDR SO? No? If so, why do you feel bad about expecting the same respect from him?

[blugirl]

Girl, stop lying to yourself. Plus, whenever I hear 'it's hard for him to talk about emotions', I can already see no future for such a relationship. A person who has a healthy approach both to themselves and other people, does not have any problems with opening up and expressing their feelings. If he can't, he must have some psychological issues and it just can't work. I had such a bf so I know something about that, it's just a waste of time :/ Find yourself a better guy who openly expresses what he feels and what he wants, it's so much easier with such a person.

[crystle600188]

Girl, stop lying to yourself. Plus, whenever I hear 'it's hard for him to talk about emotions', I can already see no future for such a relationship. A person who has a healthy approach both to themselves and other people, does not have any problems with opening up and expressing their feelings. If he can't, he must have some psychological issues and it just can't work. I had such a bf so I know something about that, it's just a waste of time :/ Find yourself a better guy who openly expresses what he feels and what he wants, it's so much easier with such a person.

 

This I disagree with. Some people DO have trouble expressing how they feel, such as my boyfriend as well. But it has been a learning experience for him, and he has become much better over time. Also It might have something to do with never being in relationships before. HoH mentioned that her SO's only other girlfriend before that was their ex, I am my SO's first girlfriend.

So for some people expressing emotions has to be a learned response, opening up to other people doesn't come as easily to some people, especially those with rough pasts.

HOWEVER, if I were in HoH's situation I would absolutely not stand for it. I would mentally be ripped apart every time I saw it. So to me it seems like her SO isn't really trying to suit her needs at all.

[aerogurl87]

I've no idea who he would choose, he would find it impossible, I'd guess he'd choose her as he wouldn't want to be with someone who would make him choose.

 

If this were a normal friendship, that would be an acceptable response on his part. But because of the inappropriate nature of their "friendship" I find it very concerning that you'd think he'd choose her over being with you. The fact that he knows their bond is causing you to be insecure should be a good enough catalyst to make him end their friendship. You're his girlfriend, you're supposed to be his primary concern at this point, not her. I wanted to stay friends with my ex before and it hurt my boyfriend a lot, so I ended it with him. There was no question about it in my mind where my loyalties were.

 

And this is your second thread about this HoH, it's obviously a big problem for you. Stop making excuses for him and tell him that the whole situation with your ex is not making you happy and she needs to back off or he needs to stop being her friend period if she can't do that. You need to stand up for yourself because as of now he's just brushing your feelings aside to make himself happy. It's time for you to make yourself happy as well.

[CandyHeart]

I would feel really jealous if I was in this situation. Not that I think there is anything wrong with having a best friend...but having that best friend who was an ex...I don't know about that...the situation seems a little bit strange in my opinion.