Engaged...but she may not be the right one

[unsure sam]

I have been reading through these threads and thought it was time to post. I fell in love very deeply and very quickly when I met my fiancee. She was everything I hoped for in a woman, a person who could help make me a better person. I asked her to marry me after only 6 months and it was the happiest day of my life. However, things have really changed these last few months.

 

I gave up my whole life to be with her; changed jobs, moved to a different city and even moved away from my best friend of over 10 years. I was so happy to move on and have her in my life but now I feel as though things have just gone downhill. We fight nearly everyday, she makes promises she doesn't keep and I don't feel as respected or as important as I feel I should.

 

We both "idealize" often and seem to let each other down. I think she should act a certain way, she doesn't and I become upset. She also has similar thoughts to this but doesn't get upset, just let down. I am not sure if this is just reality setting in or there really is an issue. I often don't feel good about myself and think things may be too far gone.

 

I could go on and give lots of detail but wanted to keep this initial thread really simple. I just don't know if I want this the rest of my life. Our romantic life has gone downhill as well.

 

Any advice on the relationship?

Any advice about how to go about even thinking about ending it?

 

Thanks.

[january2010]

If this was an LDR before you made the move, it may be that you're still both coming to terms with the new closer distance relationship and all that it entails.

 

Nonetheless, it sounds like you both need more space. You don't mention if you have separate lives outside of the relationship. That can help to keep the relationship "fresh" if either one of you feels too claustrophobic when you're seeing a lot of each other.

 

It also sounds like you see yourself as having made huge sacrifices for her but she may not show that she appreciates it. I think that the expectations you have each other may be too high and are causing a power struggle and tug for control in the relationship. I suggest backing off a bit and giving each some space and room to breathe. Have a frank talk about how you each see your lives together.

 

If after all that, it's really not working out, perhaps you two really aren't as compatible as you both first thought. It is very unfortunate, but life sometimes through curve balls at you and if you're not able to deal with the first ones together, then the relationship may not be strong enough to last into the longer term.

[Jonno_S]

Understand first that the initial few months of romance can be intense but some of it is just your chemistry changing - remember how amazing you felt? How all your senses were turned on like never before? Like only every other step or so touched the ground when you walked?

 

Be glad you're not yet married. She is surely feeling the same pressure too. Take a break from each other, ask yourself whether this is what you want. Let her do the same thing. Then ask each other that.

 

You feel foolish because you have given up a lot (despite your friends' advice) and took all these steps. But guess what? You can always fix things. Make a plan, decide what you want to do and move towards that. Keep your head on straight and be civil and human.

 

Good luck.