Into my 30s and struggling with my first break up

[Good Arms]

I wasn't sure where to post this, here or in "Coping", but I'm not doing too well at coping...

 

Anyway, I guess I should introduce myself with the events that brought me here. I've already posted a lot on another forum, but that one's closing at the end of the month. I want to have somewhere to post, hopefully get advice/encouragement, but above all somewhere just to vent my feelings.

 

I'm 31, and really ever since becoming a teenager I've had problems socialising. I've come to realise that what I have is social anxiety. As a result I never had a girlfriend until recently.

 

My only social circle are some friends/colleagues at work, and we don't socialise outside of work (aside from the occasional lunch).

 

Anyway, I found out through one of these friends that a girl who used to be in my team at work liked me. To cut a long story short, we ended up going out at the end of August. She asked me out, as there's no way I'd have had the confidence to do it... although I suppose technically I made the first move as I added her on facebook at the start of the year! She's 26, really pretty and someone I'd assumed would be totally 'out of my league'.

 

At first I was terrified, all those first steps a teenager does were new to me, but she helped put me at ease and it was wonderful. I need hardly elaborate that I lost my virginity to her (although it took me a while to build up confidence in that department). We seemed to be getting on well, she would always tell me how much she liked me and I was growing in confidence around her all the time. At the end of October things seemed to be at their strongest.

 

Then we went away on holiday (on only our 2nd date she'd invited me along; previously her ex was due to go with her). The travelling out and first night went nicely, we got intimate and everything. But the next day she was starting to act cold and p****d off with me, and she generally stopped being affectionate. I sensed something was up but for whatever reason couldn't bear to ask "is something the matter?"...

 

Anyway we continued on civil terms, something obviously bubbling under, but each day she seemed more distant until suddenly snapping, telling me she wanted me to make some decisions, that she felt like she was dictating what we do all the time, that she felt like the man in the relationship, and insinuating that as a result she didn't find me attractive.

 

My self-esteem, which was about zero before we went out, just SHATTERED there and then (and now I understand a classic sign of low self-esteem is being indecisive and not taking the lead etc). I hadn't realised how abnormally I'd apparently been acting, not having been in a relationship before. I always looked on things as joint decisions, and never really had the confidence to announce "let's go here tonight" or whatever. I just tried to be loving and caring in my own way.

 

Anyway, the next day was absolutely horrible, we hardly talked. I'd lost all confidence and kind of wanted to talk things through, but felt tears welling up any time I even thought about things. The next morning I flew home as planned, as she was staying out for a 2nd week (when her family were flying out). It was the worst feeling in the world, saying goodbye when she was still really cold, obviously stewing over things, and I didn't know what to say. I knew there and then things were probably over. What I hoped would be a holiday where I'd build up more confidence with her, and with intimacy, and strengthen our relationship, just destroyed it.

 

There were glimmers of hope when we carried on texting, as she said sorry for how she'd been acting, she said it must have been horrible to be with her like that, but an agonising week and a half later (after both avoiding things when she came back) we finally agreed to talk things through, and she said she didn't feel the same way anymore and called it off. We were friendly with each other up to the end. At the time it was somehow a relief, as I just didn't know where I stood, or what to do to try and win her back, so much so it was driving me mad. But within a day it sunk in.

 

This was just over a month ago, and I'm just so down right now... I try and distract myself but life just seems so utterly empty and pointless without her. I was looking forward to spending my first Christmas with someone, and now I just want it out the way. No doubt she'll be enjoying herself (she loves things like Christmas) having left me behind.

 

What set me back to square one a week ago was me stupidly keeping on checking her facebook (I've managed to stop now, as I realise just how much hurt that brings up). Just three weeks on from the break-up she posted how she was excited about going into work when she found someone liked her! She must have known I'd see that, so I was so disappointed that she didn't have the decency to be a little sensitive to my feelings. I'm guessing (and like to think) it just didn't cross her mind. I'm sure she didn't mean to rub something like that in my face. But I was already surprised that earlier she kept posting positive things on facebook, when I was suffering so much and had never treated her badly (certainly not on purpose). I suppose it just goes to show we're completely different people. I can't believe she could move on so fast. Anyway, now I know that NC applies to facebook snooping too, and I think I've learnt my lesson. Unfortunately I have to see her around at work, and it's only a matter of time before I'll have to say a friendly "hello" in passing (I'm not going to risk any more than that - I'd probably break down crying in any case).

 

I try and tell myself things just didn't work out, it wasn't meant to be, but no logic stops the pain I'm just straight back into a life I was glad to leave behind, and I really can't imagine how I'll get into a relationship again (not that I want to yet, not til I'm getting over her). The confidence I'd built up by getting into a passionate, loving relationship has all gone and I'm left with just worrying about the future, about time flying by.

 

I know from our break-up talk she had doubts before we even went on holiday. If that was the case why was she telling me things like she can't wait to spend the week with me? How could she lovingly text me "you're definitely a keeper" the weekend before?! Now I just look back on that holiday with a sense of embarrassment and shame, I feel so small and pathetic that just spending 24/7 with me was apparently enough for her to change her mind! How is that supposed to give me confidence for future relationships?

 

I can't help but think about her just about all of the time, and I can't win - if I think about the painful things she did/said at the end, then that just makes me feel awful about myself, if I think about who she might be with I get insanely jealous, then I remember about all her good points, picture our wonderful moments together, and I fall apart too...

 

I try and trick my mind into thinking otherwise, but ultimately I still really miss her.

 

And somehow the worst thing is losing her as a friend.

Edited December 19, 2010 by Good Arms

[Fern]

I don't think anything you could have done or not done would have changed this outcome. She JUST split with her boyfriend and then took you on the holiday he was supposed to go on. I think she was in rebound and coming up with BS to blame YOU for the split. She couldn't have done anything worse, given your self esteem issues.

 

The fact that she was with you in the first place proves you're an attractive guy with lots going for you. Might I suggest you see someone about your self esteem thing (which was obviously a problem LONG before she came on the scene)?

A counsellor might do you the world of good.

 

Chin up. This ISN'T your issue - it's hers. And she's being cruel too with the FB stuff. Why would you want to be with someone so cruel.

[Good Arms]

Thanks so much Fern.

 

She JUST split with her boyfriend and then took you on the holiday he was supposed to go on. I think she was in rebound and coming up with BS to blame YOU for the split. She couldn't have done anything worse, given your self esteem issues.

 

I should have made some things clearer I think... she actually split with her ex back around March I think (I knew this from facebook). But long before we went out I heard from someone else that she was still supposedly seeing this ex for sex, even though they broke up (call me old fashioned, but I can't understand that mentality, how can you regularly sleep with someone you've split from?)

 

And I actually overheard her saying (again, long before we went out) that she was still planning on going away with this ex - and this was after I'd gathered that they split up.

 

I think it was around early June she finally dropped him for good, so maybe up until then he was always supposed to be going on this holiday.

 

So though she hadn't just split with him, I think there wasn't a great deal of time (like only 2 months) since she was last seeing him. And that was a fairly long term relationship I think (like 1 year +).

 

You know, the rebound thing occurred to me before, and looking at it all again I'm starting to agree there was probably a big element of that involved here. Somehow that makes me feel a bit better about things, at least right now. Doubt that will last long though...

 

I should say, she didn't entirely blame me for the split... it was hardly much comfort, but she did say she didn't want me to think it was all about me (classic let-you-down-gently line I guess), she didn't expect me to be someone I wasn't, she hated her own brain sometimes, blah blah...

 

The fact that she was with you in the first place proves you're an attractive guy with lots going for you. Might I suggest you see someone about your self esteem thing (which was obviously a problem LONG before she came on the scene)?

A counsellor might do you the world of good.

Thank you. I know I should address some of these issues. I've been reading a lot of self help stuff, I guess that's a start. Also trying working through an online Cognitive Behavioural Therapy course. I know everyone loses self esteem after a break-up (well, if they're the dumpee), so I'm hoping eventually I'll look back and appreciate how much progress I did make by having a relationship and knowing we seemed to feel real love for each other.

 

Chin up. This ISN'T your issue - it's hers. And she's being cruel too with the FB stuff. Why would you want to be with someone so cruel.

Yeah, I'm sure she didn't intend to be cruel, we were on friendly terms right to the end, but I can't believe it doesn't occur to her how much that would hurt. I mean I like to think if I'd dumped someone, I wouldn't dream of posting overwhelmingly positive stuff about my life (especially being excited about someone liking me) until many months after if I knew the ex was still a friend. Well, if at all.. I'm really not the type to put my every thought on FB.

 

I know in my heart that she wasn't the one, that we were never going to spend our lives together, but when things were going well I was blinded to all that. I wish it wasn't so hard to forget her caring, wonderful & loving side...

Edited December 19, 2010 by Good Arms

[PatrickS]

Well think about it, you found her and had a relationship with her. So there is nothing stopping you from ever finding that special person, don't worry i assure you it will happen

[Good Arms]

Thanks Patrick, though it was more that she found me.

 

But I know it broke down a big barrier in my mind, I'd pretty much thought I'd never get into a relationship.

 

I hope I do find someone else eventually, but I think I need to make some changes in my life first as right now I'm not really in a position to meet people (unless they happen to chase after me at work again ... yeah right!)

[Fern]

You need to get out more. Get some hobbies, join a club. Anything. It'll kill two birds with one stone - get you socialising and building up a real friendship group (forget about dating for the meantime) and it'll stop you thinking about her. And don't be afraid to open up to people a little more. There's no shame in being vulnerable. It's actually quite endearing as long as you don't go overboard. I know it's harder in real life than on the internet - but it's also more rewarding in the long run.

 

Good luck!

[hopefully]

I can totally understand how it feels to have the 1st breakup at one's 30's. I just turned 29 and had my first breakup 3 weeks ago. I'm also a shy person. It was really hard, though I'm feeling much better now. Keep strong! Everything will be all right in the end.

[Graceful]

First, I want to say, you have a good head on your shoulders and your description and assessment of what happened between you and your ex was well written.

 

I cannot emphasize this enough, you did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong. Ok?

 

There is such a thing as two people not being right for each other. There is such a thing as dating a few people before the right one comes along. There is no life without risks. There is no life without pain. There is no life without lessons to learn.

 

No matter how old you get, heartache is one of the most insidious feelings you will ever feel. It is so all consuming and you spend so much time doubting yourself and second guessing yourself. At some point, you have to move on and if you're really feeling frisky, you say 'IT's HER LOSS!"

 

The idea this woman asked you out should be a huge "aha" moment for you, and even though it did not work out, you can see that just by being "you" you can attract women. To be honest, this woman doesn't sound like a very nice person, and you deserve a lot better. But I digress.

 

The most important thing for you to take from this is that you have to find the right match for you. Lots of women would find your agreeable personality a huge turn on, and a plus. Some, as your ex, will not. So what? That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. You were two completely different people, and not right for each other.

 

What set me back to square one a week ago was me stupidly keeping on checking her facebook (I've managed to stop now, as I realise just how much hurt that brings up). Just three weeks on from the break-up she posted how she was excited about going into work when she found someone liked her! She must have known I'd see that, so I was so disappointed that she didn't have the decency to be a little sensitive to my feelings. I'm guessing (and like to think) it just didn't cross her mind. I'm sure she didn't mean to rub something like that in my face. But I was already surprised that earlier she kept posting positive things on facebook, when I was suffering so much and had never treated her badly (certainly not on purpose). I suppose it just goes to show we're completely different people. I can't believe she could move on so fast. Anyway, now I know that NC applies to facebook snooping too, and I think I've learnt my lesson. Unfortunately I have to see her around at work, and it's only a matter of time before I'll have to say a friendly "hello" in passing (I'm not going to risk any more than that - I'd probably break down crying in any case).

Do you know how long it takes most people to stop the FB snooping? And you have done it already? Kudos to you! You are much stronger and much smarter than you are giving yourself credit for! She is not a sensitive person; you are. Don't expect everyone to be as nice as you are, that's a rude awakening, but a reality. She's selfish. That alone should make you see she is not someone you want as a GF.

 

 

I try and tell myself things just didn't work out, it wasn't meant to be, but no logic stops the pain I'm just straight back into a life I was glad to leave behind, and I really can't imagine how I'll get into a relationship again (not that I want to yet, not til I'm getting over her). The confidence I'd built up by getting into a passionate, loving relationship has all gone and I'm left with just worrying about the future, about time flying by.

It's part of the territory to feel awful right now. You have to just slog through it. And you are not back at square one, I don't care what you say or think. You have dated, put yourself out there, shown your passion, and just b/c it did not work out or last, does not mean you are back at square one. Nope, no way.

 

I know from our break-up talk she had doubts before we even went on holiday. If that was the case why was she telling me things like she can't wait to spend the week with me? How could she lovingly text me "you're definitely a keeper" the weekend before?! Now I just look back on that holiday with a sense of embarrassment and shame, I feel so small and pathetic that just spending 24/7 with me was apparently enough for her to change her mind! How is that supposed to give me confidence for future relationships?

Please try not to blame yourself. You cannot control someone else's feelings, you did nothing wrong. If she does not want you or want to be with you for who you are, then who cares? She is ONE PERSON!!! She's not an army of women. She is just ONE. Are you going to give her all the credit for building you up? And all the credit for making you feel small again? NO, do not do that.

 

She was the catalyst that you needed to jump start your romantic life. And she played a role in it. But that is all. She was the person who came along for a reason. And now that her purpose in your life is over, just pick up where you left off. You've made a lot of progress, you have nothing to be ashamed about, nothing. Stand strong. Hold your head up. You sound like the kind of guy so many women would love to be with, your journey is not over, it is just beginning. Take care.

[hopefully]

Thank you Grace! for the kindhearted reply. It is very helpful to me! My case is somewhat similar to Good Arms and your comments are spot on! Thank you! Thank you!

[Graceful]

Thank you Grace! for the kindhearted reply. It is very helpful to me! My case is somewhat similar to Good Arms and your comments are spot on! Thank you! Thank you!

So glad that you found my words encouraging, as you are right, many people share a similar story.

 

I meant every word. And I hope your journey to heal will be propelled, b/c if you are similar to Good Arms, you must be a very dear person. Take care, and I hope we see one another again. Love, Grace

[nebula537]

I've been skimming through this site the past couple hours for obvious reasons of lifting myself out of my break up. And I totally have the upmost respect for everyone's post. It doesn't matter if it's your first break-up whether you're in your 30s or if you're younger, if you have a heart...it hurts. But be proud of yourself by seeking out that help you long for. I've been through 3 breaks ups in the past 2 years, two of them with the same girl! To think I let my guard down and took her back when she dumped me the first time only for her to do it again. Trust me, it never doesn't hurt when it happens. What I have learned though is to bombard yourself with goodness. As I was going through this site two posts helped me right off the back:

 

Do you really think contacting your ex is going to help you? Guide for the long walk

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

The Definitive Guide If You Were Dumped (Pocket Edition)

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t257520/

 

Your situation is kind of touchy since you're in the same work space. I can kind of feel the same page as my ex, we have similar circle of friends and we pratically live a few blocks away from each other. So I see or talk to her ever so often. I'm on FB all the time too, I'm a pretty social person but it hurts to know that she's "moving on" by her "positive" posts. All I can say is to try to avoid it any possible way you can. Take a break from FB. Put it on your list of websites you prohibit or something. Definitely keep conversations short and don't give her the benefit of knowing you personally any more. She doesn't deserve greatness like you.

 

During times like this, I try to do little stuff to get my confidence up right away. I'll start exericsing or volunteer some where in which I believe in the cause. You'll be helping out positively while doing good for yourself. You deserve to be pampered during this time. I'll also try to start projects usually bigger than I normally can handle. I used to work 6 days a week one time and during a 2 day weekend off instead of kicking back relaxing I knocked down a wall in my room to open space for a closet. It ended up to be a week thing but after it was done it felt like I can do anything. This was after a few months of moping around from the first break up, but right away it boosted my confidence.

 

Time is the only healer, but if you follow those links above you'll get by it easier. Graceful definitely has some good insights!

 

I definitely want to thank everyone who have posted here and I'm happy to find a place where I know we're not by ourselves on this. We're all experiencing this together. Love will find us again, we just have to picture ourselves and put our self in the best chances for it to happen.

[Good Arms]

Thank you so much for all the kind replies and advice.

 

@Graceful: hopefully had it right, yours was such a helpful and kindhearted reply! It actually brought me to tears that someone could be so kind and see things in such a clearer light than me

 

First, I want to say, you have a good head on your shoulders and your description and assessment of what happened between you and your ex was well written.

 

Thank you! It probably reflects that I've been spending an unhealthy amount of time over-analysing the break up. I know all advice says this is pointless and only causes more pain. But I guess my brain is desperate to make sense of it all, make sense of how a holiday of all things could go so badly, when there isn't really any sense beyond things didn't work out and it was destined to end. Of course having to write it all out digs up those questions again. And this was a second draft of the whole thing as I didn't just want to cut/paste from the other forum.

 

Do you know how long it takes most people to stop the FB snooping? And you have done it already? Kudos to you! You are much stronger and much smarter than you are giving yourself credit for! She is not a sensitive person; you are. Don't expect everyone to be as nice as you are, that's a rude awakening, but a reality. She's selfish. That alone should make you see she is not someone you want as a GF.

Well I've stopped FB snooping for now, but I still haven't gone as far as blocking her, so the temptation to relapse is always there... I have to admit it's driving me insane not knowing what's going in her life, but it's for my own good. I've taken steps to stop myself relapsing. I realise how naive I was to think I'd ever start to recover if I kept looking at her facebook.

 

I wrote the reasons I didn't block on that other forum:

 

...

But I'm such a coward that I've still only gone down the deactivation route. It wasn't working at first (as it's way too simple to log back in/reactivate) but now I've changed my password to something I don't remember and hidden it away somewhere. It gives me the chance to reason with myself before going as far as to retrieve the password and go back to square one. So far it's made me resist logging in to facebook, and I think it's sunk in that snooping will only do massive harm.

 

I know I should block to be sure, but I can't bring myself to... yet. We both have mutual friends on facebook and at work, and if she heard from them I was still active on there, she'd know I've blocked her and I guess I'm worried she'd think I was doing it out of spite/hatred/jealousy (the latter would be true!). Stupid I know, I shouldn't care what she thinks, but we did part as 'friends' and I just can't bear to block her. Better to just try and quit facebook altogether for me... I've no real reason to be on there, at least for now.

As I was going through this site two posts helped me right off the back:

 

Do you really think contacting your ex is going to help you? Guide for the long walk

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

The Definitive Guide If You Were Dumped (Pocket Edition)

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t257520/

 

Some wise words there. Funnily enough I'd read the second link before. I thought something homebrew pointed out was really quite comforting...

 

I think what most people are afraid of is the fact that they feel that without contact, they're going to forget about you. Trust me, they won't forget! Be a Ghost! You are not a bad or evil ghost... you are more like Casper (He is called "the friendly ghost" after all) and who doesn't like him?!?!

 

Your situation is kind of touchy since you're in the same work space. I can kind of feel the same page as my ex, we have similar circle of friends and we pratically live a few blocks away from each other. So I see or talk to her ever so often. I'm on FB all the time too, I'm a pretty social person but it hurts to know that she's "moving on" by her "positive" posts. All I can say is to try to avoid it any possible way you can. Take a break from FB. Put it on your list of websites you prohibit or something. Definitely keep conversations short and don't give her the benefit of knowing you personally any more. She doesn't deserve greatness like you.

 

Thanks

 

It must be really tough for you to see your ex around and speak to her. I definitely don't plan on having conversations with my ex if I can avoid it. I'm trying to maintain NC, but of course that's not going to be entirely possible at work. I really can't picture myself saying to her any more than a friendly "hello" and a smile in passing.

 

Working in the same place is definitely making things so much harder. Now I get why some people are against relationships with colleagues! At the moment she's doing full time hours like me, so I risk bumping into her at the start and end of the day. In fact I stayed five minutes later tonight, just to give her time to leave before I did! At least after Christmas she'll be back to part-time, so it should be easier to avoid bumping into her... though every so often she's been over in my area to speak to friends that work nearby.

 

I just feel on edge in work all the time, worrying about her whereabouts It's pretty horrible. Even seeing her car in the car park upsets me every time. We haven't spoken since the break up, and there were only a couple of texts in the following days, each of us checking the other was alright, then a few more when I had to get some money back to her (I was going to give it to her in person, about a week on from the break up, but I was getting upset just thinking about it so I got a mutual friend to pass it to her and texted to say why... it might be awkward so soon etc... on reflection I'm definitely glad I maintained NC at that time).

 

During times like this, I try to do little stuff to get my confidence up right away. I'll start exericsing or volunteer some where in which I believe in the cause. You'll be helping out positively while doing good for yourself. You deserve to be pampered during this time. I'll also try to start projects usually bigger than I normally can handle. I used to work 6 days a week one time and during a 2 day weekend off instead of kicking back relaxing I knocked down a wall in my room to open space for a closet. It ended up to be a week thing but after it was done it felt like I can do anything. This was after a few months of moping around from the first break up, but right away it boosted my confidence.

 

It's all good advice, I know I've been just moping for a month... just felt completely floored and paralysed to be honest. But I have to pick myself up and force myself to do things, keep busy... just anything to take my mind off things I guess.

 

I definitely want to thank everyone who have posted here and I'm happy to find a place where I know we're not by ourselves on this. We're all experiencing this together. Love will find us again, we just have to picture ourselves and put our self in the best chances for it to happen.

 

Indeed, this forum has already proved to be a great help for me, and a place full of wise and loving people... I know there are lots of bad days yet to come, but it gives me hope to read any good advice, reassurance and encouragement.

[nebula537]

Hey, you know work relationships are a bit harder so you just have to work harder to get over it. I mean you can't really say don't do it, because you took a chance and at the time it worked. Next time around you'll know. Unfortunately the way it sounded is this girl probably you probably cause she was emotionally unstable. Maybe it wasn't her intention, but she found someone who would treat her like the way she wanted to be treated just so she can feel good about herself. And once she got her confidence back she realized it herself.

 

I'm not too sure how to go about the work place, but just set your head on the prize. It's most important to take of yourself first during these times. I know you said you weren't that social to begin with, but you definitely have to keep yourself amongst good company. As much as you want to talk about the situation with them, try not to overload them. Make sure you use your friends for what they are, to keep you entertained and keeping you busy. Last thing you want is to drive your friends away. I'm sure they care about your situations, but there best intentions is to not talk about the situation any more and get you moving along but not reminding you about her.

 

I know it's a bit rough and I know the exact feeling about being paralyzed and not having motivation. That's when you kinda have to fight harder. I've been in that mind-set and the thing is the more you feel that way the worse it gets. After what I've been through I know now that I don't want to go to that "black hole" mind set, so I overload myself. Like today, after work I had 3 business meetings with people, just brainstorming and setting up projects. I'm absolutely tired right now and I know after I write this, I'm probably gonna knock out through the whole night. Enough that I won't be able to wake up in the middle of the night, thinking about her. It's a time when I know I'm vulnerable. You should see what triggers you the most and work those situations out too.

 

Hope you're doing well, each day is a new day. Learn from the last and fight for tomorrow! Remember, take care of yourself and it's okay to kind of do things for yourself or be kind of "greedy." Not to hurt others around but to kind of find those pleasures in your life that make you smile and happy.

[Good Arms]

Thanks, nebula537. Unfortunately I've been preoccupied with today's events rather than try and focus on positivity/healing tonight. I just wrote the following for the other forum too...

 

--------------------------------------------

 

Wow, what a day. Just when you think you can't feel any worse...

 

I decided to go in town before work, and who's the first person I see that I know?

 

Yep, my ex... and she walks right past me with another guy next to her!!

 

It hit me like a fecking sledgehammer.

 

She didn't see me. I stupidly then turned around and followed them up the street... not being my usual polite self, but pushing through the crowds to keep sight... I just did it automatically, **** knows why. Just to see if they were holding hands I guess (they weren't, but they were carrying shopping), to weigh up whether they were a couple. There's a chance it was some male friend, but I doubt it. Was this the guy at work who liked her then, that she talked about on Facebook just 3 weeks after our split? What business is it of mine anyway? My first impression of this guy was that he seemed cocky, rough and ugly, surely she didn't replace me with some chav neanderthal? We both laughed at chavs! (chavs = a British colloquialism; look it up)

 

It felt dreamlike, like a nightmare, with me looking on, freezing cold, totally alone and unable to comprehend how I've lost her to some random guy, wondering how she can move on so quickly after ripping my heart in two. What the hell are the chances of seeing her amongst the thousands of Xmas shoppers?! The last time I properly went in town was just before our holiday where the relationship crumbled. I was already upset enough, feeling her ghost with me everywhere, remembering all the things we did around town, walking past the bench where I waited for her a couple of times.

 

It's all so fresh in my memory, what I was feeling, the things we were saying, the fun we were having. How is it that in a flash I seem to have travelled through time into this... I don't know... tragedy? That's what it feels like. So much has died, our love, our friendship, our intimacy, my hopes, our plans for the future... It's been painful throughout but I just can't believe how quickly the time's been flying, and I've gone nowhere, my mind is still obsessed with her, and what I thought we had together.

 

There was no way I could start the planned shopping, so after my insane bit of surveillance, I walked back to work, a freshly carved feeling of emptiness in my heart, tears in my eyes. As soon I was back in my car in the work car park I just broke down. And instead of going inside, I actually waited there in the car until she drove in... I needed to see if she was driving this guy into work (no, she drove in alone). I've been doing well maintaining NC, and not snooping, but as soon as I've seen her with someone I'm desperate to know... who? when? how long? So after work I'm back at home reactivating my Facebook (first time since I thought I broke the habit ) looking for answers... none there. What's wrong with me? It's like I need to know one way or the other if she's seeing someone, then that'll be easier to deal with than the jealous uncertainty...

 

I involuntarily broke NC at the end of work too. For the first time since just after the break-up, I accidentally kind of bumped into her, though she was in her car pulling out as I walked by... I just gave her a low-key wave and smile and she waved back. I may be messed up right now but I don't want her to know she's destroyed me. At the same time I don't want to relieve her of any guilt by appearing over it... it's pathetic, but though I don't wish her any ill will, I want her to remember/appreciate that she hurt me. Working in the same place is the worst thing.

 

It's 5 weeks today since the break-up but in my mind she's cheating on me... it's ridiculous. It's like I expect her to give me time to heal, to make up for hurting me so much! It really hurts that we never got to spend Christmas together, and it looks like she's already found new company and won't be lonely... how easy life must be if you're an attractive girl who gets to pick and choose...

 

The love I had for her never died, though I know all it can do now is torture me. All I want to do is move on, but I keep finding myself floored again by the latest things I unwittingly see. I'm totally consumed by jealousy, and I hate that feeling. I just want to be able to let her go, be at peace with her and hold no grudges... forgive her (if I have anything to forgive her for, other than her deciding I wasn't who she wanted). I just can't put her out of my mind, or lessen the space in it she occupies. In my mind I'm constantly going over the wonderful times or the confidence-sapping details of the break up. And now I've got something new to torment myself over.

 

This is hell.

[Graceful]

Good Morning, Good Arms!

 

Uh oh. So sorry to see you've had a setback, but let me tell you, this is part of the territory, all of it. It totally s*cks, but there is no way you can avoid what you're feeling, even if you had not run into her.

 

But the first thing I want to say is that your imagination is running wild on you. You don't even really *know for sure* if this guy is a new BF, if he was a friend, or anything! So you are making conjectures, and I don't blame you at all, anyone would, but if you can take a step back, realize that you are imagining everything, and none of it may be true.

 

 

She didn't see me. I stupidly then turned around and followed them up the street... not being my usual polite self, but pushing through the crowds to keep sight... I just did it automatically, **** knows why. Just to see if they were holding hands I guess (they weren't, but they were carrying shopping), to weigh up whether they were a couple. There's a chance it was some male friend, but I doubt it. Was this the guy at work who liked her then, that she talked about on Facebook just 3 weeks after our split? What business is it of mine anyway? My first impression of this guy was that he seemed cocky, rough and ugly, surely she didn't replace me with some chav neanderthal? We both laughed at chavs! (chavs = a British colloquialism; look it up)

OK, looked up "chavs" -- got it! I love to learn British slang!

 

It felt dreamlike, like a nightmare, with me looking on, freezing cold, totally alone and unable to comprehend how I've lost her to some random guy, wondering how she can move on so quickly after ripping my heart in two. What the hell are the chances of seeing her amongst the thousands of Xmas shoppers?!

I do have to give you this much, you're right, it is right out of a script for a cheesy romantic comedy, seeing her like that. And of course, following her the way you did, too. It was fate. Maybe you needed to see her like that, with another guy, despite the way it hurt(s), maybe it was the best thing for you. It illustrates that the r/l is over, and she's not the right person for you.

 

It hurts to say this, but she did not take the r/l you had as seriously as you did. That's obvious, I know, but you need to internalize that, b/c I think it will help you not be so hard on yourself.

 

What you're going to learn now that you are really in the world of dating, is that it's not necessarily going to be anything you did, or said, or didn't do, or didn't say, or anything specific, it's the idea that the other person may just be on a completely different page than you are, and you're just not a good match. And while you may be forging ahead feeling like there is a future with someone, they may be putting on the brakes.

 

So much has died, our love, our friendship, our intimacy, my hopes, our plans for the future... It's been painful throughout but I just can't believe how quickly the time's been flying, and I've gone nowhere, my mind is still obsessed with her, and what I thought we had together.

Again, you think you have gone nowhere, but you have. It doesn't feel like it, but you have, b/c this is not a "linear" process. You take a few steps forward, you feel like you're making progress, and then a "trigger" comes along and you fall back a bit. We all have triggers. Certainly seeing the ex is a HUGE trigger!! No one is going to run into their ex and come out of the situation feeling like they've got it all nailed! No one. When you see the person who has hurt you, all the emotions are going to come rushing back at you. They are the embodiment of all that pain. While at the same time, they also embody all that you miss, all that you shared, all that you hoped for.

 

You are right, the loss of a r/l is very complex. It's the loss of hope, the loss of a potential future with someone, the loss of the fun you were having, and the loss of some sort of innocence, you know. And for you that is probably a huge thing right now, b/c she's the first girl you really cared for and who you were intimate with. It's rejection of the worst possible kind. All of it.

 

But do you know what I honestly think? I think that you have more maturity to deal with your pain than you would have 10 years ago if you were feeling this for the first time, and I also think you're going to learn something a lot deeper b/c you are a little older than some of us were the first time we fell in love or had our first real r/l.

 

By this I mean that you're more ready to find someone than you realize. You're more sincere about getting to know someone and more sincere about wanting them to get to know you. Lots of men younger than you don't think along those lines, they just "date" and that's that. They're not thinking about the future. That's a lot easier to do when you're 22 or 23, do you see what I mean?

 

So you have a lot more to offer and more to give, and therefore, this r/l represented something a lot more important to you. I do not get the impression that you will become jaded by it at all. It will make you stronger and give you insights and courage to go forward when you are ready.

 

I involuntarily broke NC at the end of work too. For the first time since just after the break-up, I accidentally kind of bumped into her, though she was in her car pulling out as I walked by... I just gave her a low-key wave and smile and she waved back. I may be messed up right now but I don't want her to know she's destroyed me. At the same time I don't want to relieve her of any guilt by appearing over it... it's pathetic, but though I don't wish her any ill will, I want her to remember/appreciate that she hurt me. Working in the same place is the worst thing.

I *love* the way you handled this!! You know exactly what to do, see?! You are right, the last thing you want her to think is that you can't look her in the eye and be civil. BRILLIANT! Totally brilliant. Classy.

 

What you have proven by doing that is that you can project that you are ok, even if it is just on the surface. This is critical to your well-being and getting over her.

 

All I want to do is move on, but I keep finding myself floored again by the latest things I unwittingly see. I'm totally consumed by jealousy, and I hate that feeling. I just want to be able to let her go, be at peace with her and hold no grudges... forgive her (if I have anything to forgive her for, other than her deciding I wasn't who she wanted).

The last thing I want to say is that since you work with her, you are in a tougher spot than in another type of breakup where you would not be seeing her. It is going to very difficult to put her out of your mind when there is potential to see her, and that will get your mind racing in directions you don't want go. That's why you already know the drill ... no FB, no online snooping of any kind, and again, not seeing that she broke up with you b/c there is something wrong with you, but b/c you just were not a good match.

 

She's out there dating, I'm not at all convinced she knows (or cares) what she's looking for. She's not thinking long term, she just acts on impulse. You're already thinking about long range, you're sincere, you want the real deal, you want to really get to know someone and you want someone to want to know you back. She's not the right person for you. Try more and more to see it that way. Personally, I don't think she sounds like she has much depth of character, and you do. So your future is with someone who is your equal, not someone beneath you, which this girl is.

 

This is hell.

Lastly, you write very well. There were parts of your post that read like a diary of a guy with a broken heart ... but were tinged with your dry wit and were actually very sweet and humorous, like you're really trying to laugh at yourself a little (especially that bit about elbowing the crowd to get a look at your ex with the guy she was with) -- that also gives me hope that you're moving forward, despite the pain you are in. Oh, some day you're going to meet someone who really appreciates you ... I am so certain of that! Take care. Grace

[Good Arms]

Again Grace, you've really moved me with your warm reply. It's always helpful to see an outside perspective on things from someone with such wise advice.

 

But the first thing I want to say is that your imagination is running wild on you. You don't even really *know for sure* if this guy is a new BF, if he was a friend, or anything! So you are making conjectures, and I don't blame you at all, anyone would, but if you can take a step back, realize that you are imagining everything, and none of it may be true.

 

I know, I mean it shouldn't matter one way or the other, but I'm guessing it's someone she's seeing rather than a friend. Maybe I want to believe that it is, so it'll speed up my acceptance that she's moved on.

 

OK, looked up "chavs" -- got it! I love to learn British slang!

When I was younger they used to be called "Kevs"

 

I do have to give you this much, you're right, it is right out of a script for a cheesy romantic comedy, seeing her like that. And of course, following her the way you did, too. It was fate. Maybe you needed to see her like that, with another guy, despite the way it hurt(s), maybe it was the best thing for you. It illustrates that the r/l is over, and she's not the right person for you.

I think you're right. The woman who runs the other forum I'm posting at (which is closing soon) has some great wisdom too, and she said much the same thing, that the painful things like knowing that my ex is (or may be) involved with someone else should ultimately speed up the healing process. There seem to have been a few things that defied coincidence in my life, so I kind of think there's something to 'fate'... maybe seeing this, though it knocked me to the floor and I'm only just coming round, is ultimately going to be good for me. I guess it's hard to accept the relationship is over when contact is simply cut off, and you're left none the wiser what they're up to.

 

It hurts to say this, but she did not take the r/l you had as seriously as you did. That's obvious, I know, but you need to internalize that, b/c I think it will help you not be so hard on yourself.

It hurts to accept that, but now it's painfully obvious. She obviously has a long history of relationships (she moved out at 17 I think) whereas to me EVERYTHING was new, and I guess having my own feelings for someone reciprocated for the first time meant I invested all my emotions and hope in the relationship. And as someone said on the other forum "the first cut is the deepest".

 

Again, you think you have gone nowhere, but you have. It doesn't feel like it, but you have, b/c this is not a "linear" process. You take a few steps forward, you feel like you're making progress, and then a "trigger" comes along and you fall back a bit. We all have triggers. Certainly seeing the ex is a HUGE trigger!! No one is going to run into their ex and come out of the situation feeling like they've got it all nailed! No one. When you see the person who has hurt you, all the emotions are going to come rushing back at you. They are the embodiment of all that pain. While at the same time, they also embody all that you miss, all that you shared, all that you hoped for.

It was definitely a huge trigger to see her with someone. I suppose it made me realise that I must have been making some progress, as seeing her made me feel so much worse than my usual (bad) state of the last few weeks.

 

Unfortunately there's no avoiding seeing my ex at work every so often... most days I catch a glimpse in fact. I was dreading today as I know she gives Christmas presents to quite a few people around the workplace. Thankfully she only appeared in the area briefly. I'd been dreading today in case she brought me over something. I stupidly said when we broke up that I'll still get her something small for Christmas, after she asked whether I'd got already got her presents... I know now I must have been desperate to keep her as a friend, to hold onto part of our relationship. It was really naive and down to my lack of experience of these things to imagine we could still be friends. Now I know that it's really not possible unless the break-up was totally mutual. It's a nice thought to still have her in my life as a friend, but unless there's a cure for jealousy then that just can't happen! I soon saw how weird it would be and didn't get her that little 'friends' present.

 

You are right, the loss of a r/l is very complex. It's the loss of hope, the loss of a potential future with someone, the loss of the fun you were having, and the loss of some sort of innocence, you know. And for you that is probably a huge thing right now, b/c she's the first girl you really cared for and who you were intimate with. It's rejection of the worst possible kind. All of it.

Yeah, I mean fear of rejection or embarrassment over my inexperience is surely why I've always backed out of some real opportunities in the past (combined with a general social anxiety). So actually experiencing rejection hit me like a bombshell. I'll have so much more sympathy now when I hear of other people having break-ups. I mean before I'd say "sorry to hear that" and whatever, but in my head I had no idea how painful it could be. I know I've got depressed and obsessive about crushes leaving or getting a boyfriend in the past... that hurt enough. I've always been an emotional kind of person and now I guess I have lost that innocence of never having experienced a real loss. And it really hurts.

 

I involuntarily broke NC at the end of work too. For the first time since just after the break-up, I accidentally kind of bumped into her, though she was in her car pulling out as I walked by... I just gave her a low-key wave and smile and she waved back. I may be messed up right now but I don't want her to know she's destroyed me. At the same time I don't want to relieve her of any guilt by appearing over it... it's pathetic, but though I don't wish her any ill will, I want her to remember/appreciate that she hurt me. Working in the same place is the worst thing.

 

I *love* the way you handled this!! You know exactly what to do, see?! You are right, the last thing you want her to think is that you can't look her in the eye and be civil. BRILLIANT! Totally brilliant. Classy.

 

I'm glad I did the right thing! I wasn't in a position where I could pretend I hadn't seen her. I mean normally if that was the case (like spotting her in the corner of my eye) I just wouldn't make contact, but this was the first time I didn't have that option. If I ignored her I'd just look bitter and resentful. I still want her to like/respect me as a person.

 

She's out there dating, I'm not at all convinced she knows (or cares) what she's looking for. She's not thinking long term, she just acts on impulse. You're already thinking about long range, you're sincere, you want the real deal, you want to really get to know someone and you want someone to want to know you back. She's not the right person for you. Try more and more to see it that way.

I will try and see it that way. I need to print out some of your words in large type and carry them around with me I think! And I got to know she is quite an impulsive person. More so than me anyway, but I do tend to deliberate over things... I guess that's one way we were mismatched. And her impulsiveness looks like it does carry over to relationships too. Wow, you really open my eyes to some things I wouldn't see for myself Grace!

 

Lastly, you write very well. There were parts of your post that read like a diary of a guy with a broken heart ... but were tinged with your dry wit and were actually very sweet and humorous, like you're really trying to laugh at yourself a little (especially that bit about elbowing the crowd to get a look at your ex with the guy she was with) -- that also gives me hope that you're moving forward, despite the pain you are in. Oh, some day you're going to meet someone who really appreciates you ... I am so certain of that! Take care. Grace

Thanks so much, Grace. I hope so. I guess I'm better at communicating on forums than I am in conversation. Too much time spent on the internet I guess. It is a pathetic image out of some film when I look back on what I did yesterday, not really able to stop myself following them. It's not a film I wanted to be part of though! I know that image of seeing someone by her side, where I feel like I should still be - where just recently I assumed I'd still be at this time of year - is going to hurt a lot for a time to come.

 

Feeling a little better tonight, but no doubt the pain will be back in the early morning as usual when my mind starts racing. Hopefully I'll refrain from snooping and the shock of the latest development/realisation will gradually decrease.

 

Thanks again for the words, Grace, and to nebula537 who's advice I've also absorbed, though I haven't had time to give you the reply it warranted.

 

Merry Christmas!

Edited December 25, 2010 by Good Arms

[nebula537]

Hey GoodArms. I really wanted to post yesterday, but Graceful hit it on the head. She definitely has wonderful advice. It's always tough to try to understand the situation while it's happenening, but the good thing is you absorbed it and now you're growing with it. It's rough man, I've been in that same position. One time I went out to some moon/fire dance in the park, ran into my ex with her kids and her new bf (after a month of us breaking up), we were with friends and I was fine and respectul. But when she left, it sunk in...I was with my friends and I totally broke down. Angry and jealous. Definitely and totally opposite of my usual characteritics. I went as far as texting her angry messages, saying she did it on purpose to mess with my head. I totally was just messing with my own head. But you're going the right route as far as learning about yourself and not wanting to be that person who's kind of jealous and building images in your head. It's a learning process, like Graceful said, it's not at all linear and it's not scripted!

 

You'll be alright. During the holiday season it's rough, but I'm absolutely happy right now. It doesn't feel good to be lonely, but as humans we're not always going to have everything we want so we have to focus on the things that we have and put ourselves in the situation that we're so lucky that others have it so much worse and we must help each other.

 

Grace is so brilliant with her women's perspective and I'm here to give you what has come from my experience. Finding that special one is kind of rough, but the whole thing is you can't really look for it and you can't fight to get it. It's unnatural and at the end it'll end in even worse heartbreak. I consider myself successful at my age (32...eventhough I tell everyone I'm 25 ), own my cafe, I've always been an independent worker (DJ), I'm not arrogant but I'm confident and I'm always doing some kind of volunteer project. What I'm getting at is, it doesn't matter how old, what you do or, or who you are and whatever. Love is painful to any one, but it's how you deal with it and what action you do to cope with it. Like my experiences you'll get through this a better person and learn through this experience. You have to take that energy that's bundling up in your mind and help catapult your to energies that help you be that better person while you can help others on the way.

 

Much love goes out to you Good Arms. Merry Christmas and give yourself a gift and truly love yourself

[Good Arms]

Wow, one month, I'd like to think if I ever ended a relationship (though I don't think I would ever be the instigator, unless they were cheating) then I'd take some real time out before moving on... the time in our cases was nothing. It's hard to understand how they can do that. I can totally understand how you felt out of character feeling so much anger and jealousy. It's like they at least owe us the dignity of at least pretending they too mourn what was lost.

 

I've definitely learned a lot since November.

 

It doesn't feel good to be lonely, but as humans we're not always going to have everything we want so we have to focus on the things that we have and put ourselves in the situation that we're so lucky that others have it so much worse and we must help each other.

 

Very true, this is what I try and tell myself. If I take a step outside of myself I can see that there are people in much worse situations, sometimes temporary, sometimes life-long. Like someone said, there are so many people in the world who wouldn't be in a position to be writing on a forum about their problems while sitting in a warm house!

 

I will try and be patient (it's early days I know) and knowing the pain I'm feeling isn't unique to me has to sink in... I guess we all get so self absorbed in these times. I hope to find the motivation to put all the negative energy to some good use.

 

Merry Christmas

[LifeIsGreat]

When you start analyzing everything, just say to yourself (out loud) "It doesn't matter". Trust me, you can make this a habit. Feelings follow thoughts, so if you keep saying "it doesn't matter", with time you will truly believe it and it will make the healing so much quicker. Because you know what? It REALLY DOES NOT MATTER anymore. When someone walks away from a relationship they are simply saying they don't want to be with you anymore. Nothing personal. If we continue to analyze and pine, we give our ex way to much power over us. Whatever may have mattered while you were together, no longer does. Keep saying "it doesn't matter'.

[Good Arms]

I've read over and over again how you shouldn't go analysing all the details of the break-up, all the "what ifs", that it's counterproductive. Yet still my mind starts going back there again and again. I'll try your method, it sounds logical that it should help. Thanks LifeIsGreat!

[LifeIsGreat]

Give yourself permission to be sad and grieve. I think sometimes we are in such a rush to get over grieving, or feel we shouldn't be so sad, that we let our minds go into high gear with analyzing. It's almost like by analyzing we can in some way not hurt or grieve. Analyzing almost becomes a hobby or activity that we use to occupy our time. So go ahead-- feel sad, cry, and grieve. But know this--at this point it doesn't matter anymore.

[Good Arms]

Thanks, LifeIsGreat.

 

Today I reactivated my Facebook just to try and find the courage to block my ex.

 

I've been using willpower to avoid snooping, but when I saw her with someone before Xmas I relapsed as I was desperate to know if she was with this guy.

 

I knew she hadn't posted any updates since that last time I looked, so while I was there today I scrolled through her wall (stupid I know, but I avoided looking at any photos) and I realised she was still seeing her previous b/f just a month before she got with me (I had thought it was more like 2 months). That was the last reference to him.

 

It may have actually been much closer to our relationship that she was still seeing him - though I think they were seeing each other on some kind of casual basis, not officially being a couple anymore, but still sleeping together from rumours I heard. Personally I don't understand how she could do that, I found it off-putting about her at the time I heard the rumour... in my mind you're either a loving couple or you go your separate ways...

 

So now I'm more convinced than ever there was an element of rebound to it. I don't think I ever had a chance really. She must have always been comparing me to a recent long term b/f. Maybe she was partly trying me out just to get over the feeling of being alone. I guess she's not the type to want to spend any time alone, judging from how quickly she moved on from me, again it seems it's something like a month on and she's in a relationship again. Then again, now I know how addictive relationships are so I find it hard to deny a dumper that right to an instant fix. She's an attractive girl and can probably have anyone she wants, and I guess she's used to having her way. It hurts massively, but I have to tell myself that she just didn't see our relationship as seriously as I did.

 

Anyway, to get to the point, I hovered over pressing the block button as I've done a few times before, but this time did it. She's gone, I can't snoop anymore. It feels so sad to cut off that final tie, but I know it HAD to be done. I feel strangely liberated, the first bit of positivity I've felt for a while. It's like a weight's been lifted from my chest. Doubt it'll last long, but it feels good, like I've taken some action at last. Now there's no way I can snoop. I can hardly unblock and request her as a friend again! Why should I have to avoid FB (even if I don't really care for it much) just because of her being on there? I was naive and desperate to ever believe we could carry on as 'friends', when it wasn't a mutual break-up, so there's no point at all being a 'friend' on FB either. Only potential problem is mutual friends updating me on her statuses, but I think they know better.

 

I'm hoping this will be a bigger step in the healing process than I realise.

[Graceful]

Good evening, Good Arms! How's the new year treating you so far? Only kidding! It's too soon to tell!!

 

I saw your update and just wanted to say that I am happy that your feelings are falling into place and you're seeing your situation, what happened, and your ex in perspective. Really, you are doing great.

 

What's really good is that you are seeing more and more that your ex is not the right person for you. Doesn't even matter what else she is doing or who she is with, she is sooooo not right for you!!!

 

I guess she's not the type to want to spend any time alone, judging from how quickly she moved on from me, again it seems it's something like a month on and she's in a relationship again. Then again, now I know how addictive relationships are so I find it hard to deny a dumper that right to an instant fix.

Bingo. Once you see someone for who they are and what their basic MO is, it does make it a little easier. It does not mean you don't feel hurt, but you don't take what happened as personally, if you know what I mean.

 

Anyway, to get to the point, I hovered over pressing the block button as I've done a few times before, but this time did it. She's gone, I can't snoop anymore. It feels so sad to cut off that final tie, but I know it HAD to be done. I feel strangely liberated, the first bit of positivity I've felt for a while. It's like a weight's been lifted from my chest.

I wish more people would see this, b/c this is the truth. When you have any contact at all, it is a burden. It is a heavy burden that is holding you back. And it is liberating to get rid of it.

 

I did something I wasn't very proud of during my breakup, I'm not such a goody goody myself, you know! I read my ex's email for a few months after I got suspicious he was cheating and when things really began to unravel. It became very addictive, and it made me feel like I had some control.

But it was also hurting me, of course. Then one day, out of the blue when I was going to hack my way in, it was like I had an awakening. I told myself, hey, Grace, why are you doing something that is hurting you? And then something even better happened, I wasn't interested any longer. I didn't care. It was actually beginning to bore me!! SO when I stopped, I felt like a weight was off my back, I felt good about myself and I realized that I was the interesting person in our relationship, I was the one who made it fun, and he was just feeding off of me, b/c the new woman was pretty darn boring, too!! Oh, it was so sweet to feel that way!!

 

Snooping sucks, no matter how you look at it. It has a purpose for a while, but after that purpose ends, the snooping should end, too. It's not healthy.

 

I was naive and desperate to ever believe we could carry on as 'friends', when it wasn't a mutual break-up, so there's no point at all being a 'friend' on FB either. I'm hoping this will be a bigger step in the healing process than I realise.

Live and learn, that's what we are all here for. And trust me, it is a definitely a step in your healing process. It's very rewarding to see your updates. I have had faith in you all along, and you are just proving me right -- ha ha!!

Take care, GA!!

[Good Arms]

Thanks again Grace! Always pleased to see you reply.

 

I saw your update and just wanted to say that I am happy that your feelings are falling into place and you're seeing your situation, what happened, and your ex in perspective. Really, you are doing great.

 

Thanks, I know it looks like I'm figuring things out, and maybe it's all part of the process, but I think a lot of it is just trying to make myself feel better about things. In truth I feel awful tonight. That sense of liberation soon wore off, and I'm back to being tearful and desperately lonely. I keep finding myself floored by the shock of it all being over, even 6 weeks on. I was so caught up in things and the plans we were talking about for future holidays, I never imagined things would go wrong at that time. What to her was seemingly a little fling that didn't work out, with one of a number of b/f's, to me was 2.5 months of what I was missing out on all my adult life - so to me those seem like such a momentous few months, a HUGE deal in my life. I feel a little embarrassed to be so destroyed by this when other unfortunates have to deal with a break-up after years/decades of marriage, or being cheated on. But I guess a broken heart is a broken heart. Anyway, I know you're right, hopefully seeing things in perspective more will pay off in the long run.

 

But right now it's like the house seems like it's ACTUALLY darker inside than it was when she was around. I know I'm my worse enemy, I'm just so lacking in motivation that I've been sitting around all day. I'm hating having free time right now! Will never get out of depression moping like this. I need to get myself busy even if it's rearranging furniture or something, it's just hard to convince myself that it's for my own good to make some effort.

 

What's really good is that you are seeing more and more that your ex is not the right person for you. Doesn't even matter what else she is doing or who she is with, she is sooooo not right for you!!!

 

My brain has certainly figured this out I think. I mean I knew when we were together that we didn't have that much in common, and personality wise very different. But my heart didn't and still doesn't seem to care, the experience was wonderful until everything soured, and my heart still pines for her every day. Hopefully at least having some perspective in the logical part of the brain will help... eventually.

 

Bingo. Once you see someone for who they are and what their basic MO is, it does make it a little easier. It does not mean you don't feel hurt, but you don't take what happened as personally, if you know what I mean.

 

Yes, I think I do. It's like I'm trying to take the guilt and shame of the break-up away from myself, knock her off the pedestal she occupies in my mind, make sense of her sudden change of heart towards me. I don't think there's much more I can conclude about that (and I don't want to dwell on these pointless questions) but I know my mind will go back there again and again as soon as I'm not distracted...

 

I wish more people would see this, b/c this is the truth. When you have any contact at all, it is a burden. It is a heavy burden that is holding you back. And it is liberating to get rid of it.

 

It's true, blocking her really hurts, but I knew I would only relapse and look at her FB again sometime, and it was the final piece of NC that I could act on. It's not up to me whether I bump into her at work, that's still going to hold me back a lot. Even seeing her empty car triggers so many emotions still. It actually annoyed me to see it shiny and clean the other day... dunno why, it's just another sign that she's out there living her life and getting on with things, while I've been so paralysed that my own car is filthy as I haven't touched it for months. I'm telling myself now that's this is something I need to sort out tomorrow... pathetic but I still want to give her the impression that I'm getting on with life! Anyway, back to NC, everyone should learn by my mistakes and defriend/block on Facebook right away.

 

I did something I wasn't very proud of during my breakup, I'm not such a goody goody myself, you know! I read my ex's email for a few months after I got suspicious he was cheating and when things really began to unravel. It became very addictive, and it made me feel like I had some control.

But it was also hurting me, of course. Then one day, out of the blue when I was going to hack my way in, it was like I had an awakening. I told myself, hey, Grace, why are you doing something that is hurting you? And then something even better happened, I wasn't interested any longer. I didn't care. It was actually beginning to bore me!! SO when I stopped, I felt like a weight was off my back, I felt good about myself and I realized that I was the interesting person in our relationship, I was the one who made it fun, and he was just feeding off of me, b/c the new woman was pretty darn boring, too!! Oh, it was so sweet to feel that way!!

 

Wow, it's amazing that you could feel good about yourself in those circumstances. But it's great that you did, and that your eyes opened to the truth about him. I don't think anyone should feel ashamed for these foolish things we do in the heat of the moment... as long as we learn our lessons and do the best to stop ourselves hurting by snooping the next time.

 

Snooping sucks, no matter how you look at it. It has a purpose for a while, but after that purpose ends, the snooping should end, too. It's not healthy.

 

I totally agree, though it's certainly tempting, and addictive like you said. In the early weeks I was checking her FB daily... what for, I don't know. There would never be anything good for me to read there. But that was before I read so much great advice on NC, and came to terms with the fact I could not be her friend anymore, even if by that stage it only meant as much as keeping her on FB. I'm glad I found the courage at last to block her and restrict my own temptation. Though on reflection I'm glad I didn't block her right away (contradicts what I said above - I know!), as seeing that hurtful & insensitive 3-weeks-on update by accident, I suppose it has made me see her in a clearer light. It's a shame these realisations don't provide any comfort right now.

 

It's very rewarding to see your updates. I have had faith in you all along, and you are just proving me right -- ha ha!!

 

Thanks Grace, I won't lie and say I'm feeling any better, but I really appreciate you giving me confidence that I'm doing some things right, and looking at things in the right way, that should help with this maze of a healing process.

 

Happy New Year to you!

Edited January 2, 2011 by Good Arms

[soleharmony1123]

Give yourself permission to be sad and grieve. I think sometimes we are in such a rush to get over grieving, or feel we shouldn't be so sad, that we let our minds go into high gear with analyzing. It's almost like by analyzing we can in some way not hurt or grieve. Analyzing almost becomes a hobby or activity that we use to occupy our time. So go ahead-- feel sad, cry, and grieve. But know this--at this point it doesn't matter anymore.

 

LifeIsGreat,

 

You've stated a point that's well-taken. I've been analyzing, over-analyzing my situation when really I just need to get through the grieving process and analyze nothing except how well I'm executing NC and progressing toward a complete healing.

 

Thanks for sharing that thought.