Into my 30s and struggling with my first break up

[giveittofate]

I truly feel for you good arms...I know the feeling of waking up feeling like a zombie and your mind racing 100 times faster than usual thinking about never finding that feeling again, because I find myself feeling like that every once and a while still and it's been a month and a half for me since my first love ended things....and trust me there has not been one morning that i've woken up since the break up that i don't feel that empty pit in my stomach...but today I've decided to get back to the gym and work off some stress and better my health and appearance...we can't lie and say that soon things will get better, because we still have a long road of recovery, but what gets me by is thinking it's better we found this out about our former lovers before we got married or had kids....things could always be worse....just stay active and remember i'm in the same boat as you my man...goodluck this week...and lastly remember love finds you when you least expect it...here's to learning, becoming stronger through the pain we are going through and moving forward in life.

[Good Arms]

Thanks giveittofate, I've been on LS last night and today but somehow missed your reply.

 

Good for you for getting back to the gym. You're taking positive steps, with the deleting on FB and finding motivation to improve/look after yourself. I know doing some regular exercise would do me the world of good, and I've no real excuses other than I really struggle to find the motivation. I bet it would make me feel so much better though, getting rid of some of that stress.

 

It's insane, before this experience I never came close to imagining how losing my first love would feel. It's an all consuming pain and worry and loneliness, and it's left me permanently drained and a physical wreck too. I just feel that if I could sleep properly at least I'll feel slightly better about the situation, but those mornings with my heart and mind racing when I'm supposed to be sleeping feel like they're taking their toll.

 

but what gets me by is thinking it's better we found this out about our former lovers before we got married or had kids....things could always be worse....

It's very true, I need to keep telling myself it would never have worked in the long term... that it seems we were incompatible, that she felt so little of me after a few months, so it would have been even worse if it collapsed later... though it's hard to imagine feeling worse than this.

 

just stay active and remember i'm in the same boat as you my man...goodluck this week...and lastly remember love finds you when you least expect it...here's to learning, becoming stronger through the pain we are going through and moving forward in life

Thanks, though I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy, it is some comfort to know that we're not alone - others around the world are going through the same emotions. If you're like me, when you read that on screen, it puts things in some perspective, but of course when you're alone with your thoughts it becomes all about YOU again, and you feel like you're the only one going through this. Most people experience heartbreak sometime in their life and the world would be a pretty empty place if they all just caved in and gave up... we just have to keep going. Thanks giveittofate!

 

---

 

Had a pretty horrible day today at work, no real reason, but was on edge all day again and just the slightest thing upsets me... caught site of her car in the carpark at lunchtime, and just the fact she seemed to have some kind of festive tinsel or something in the back really got to me! It's crazy, but that alone leads to my mind racing - Was she with someone when she put it there? How was her Christmas? How is it fair that she's in the mindset to decorate her car that when she tore my heart in two? Any little detail I see of her life now kills me. I wish I was in a position to do NC properly.

 

When I walked by on the way to the local shop at lunch, I knew I shouldn't have looked down into the carpark, but I'm stupidly ALWAYS looking out for her car. What the hell does it matter? It's going to be somewhere in there 90% of the time! I wish I could keep my head down and deliberately try and avoid seeing it, but I always give in to curiosity. It really triggers too many thoughts when I see it each day. And on top of that I see cars exactly like hers as soon as I'm on the roads; she had to drive what must be the UK's most common car & colour combination! I'm forever checking their number plates, it's driving me nuts.

 

Then near the end of the day I caught site of her from behind in the building. Straight away I'm reminded of what I've lost... right away another almost daily setback. I'm feeling like I can never relax or move on with her there at work and it's horrible. It's bad enough seeing her good friend and her old ex all the time in the area where I work.

 

For some reason she's still there until the end of my shift (rather than finishing earlier than me on her usual part time hours) so when I leave I'm always highly anxious and either (a) desperate to avoid seeing/bumping into her; or (b) tempted to dawdle in my car and see if she's leaving with anyone, or see if she's staying even later... it's ridiculous. I always act upon (a) though and get the hell away as soon as possible. ANY knowledge I could possibly gain about her would be hurtful, but the temptation is always there, and huge now I've blocked her on Facebook. It feels like it's my right to know what she's doing, who she's with, but I know it's not my right at all, and that her life now is something I don't want to find out about. My curiosity is always trying to make me my own worst enemy.

 

Going from knowing everything she did each day to (for my own good) trying to imagine she doesn't exist - THAT's one of the hardest things to come to terms with in all of this. Why do I care about her still, she chose to kick me out of her life, surely the hurt she caused, the confusing way she gradually rejected me and withdrew affection and her insensitivity after our break up should be enough to tell me I'll be better off without her in the long run? ARRGGH!!

 

Anyway, once again I'm going over the same old ground, I don't know if writing these things here is helpful or just making me more upset. I feel like I need some kind of outlet for these thoughts though. They're going around in my head whether I dwell on them here at LS or not.

Edited January 5, 2011 by Good Arms

[hopefully]

Dear Good Arms,

 

You posts have been helping me greatly, since we are in the almost same situation, similar age, personality, even the start and end time of the short-lived first romance is similar too. Every detailed feeling your are writing down here is EXACT what I've been feeling, only that you are more brave than me to put it down. It is actually comforting, though in a pathetic way, to know that at the other end of the earth, there is someone else going through the same thing. Well, since that guy and I don't work in the same company, I'd say my situation is a little easier than yours and it hurts to see that you are experiencing setbacks.

 

Well, two weeks ago I experience the biggest relief when I happened to know that he was seeing, actually sleeping with, a new girl, just three weeks after the breakup. I felt relieved because now I know that I'm not losing someone special, instead I just lost some junk who, before the breakup, was lining up a new girl. It made me feel liberated for about 5 days:laugh: and last weekend I had the biggest relapse. I don't know why, probably because it was a weekend and my brain had a lot of free time to overanalyze everything. Anyway, this Monday, I'm feeling a little better again.

 

So, hang on there buddy. Let's conquer this together!

[Good Arms]

Thanks hopefully, I'm glad that posting how I'm feeling sorry for myself has been helping you. I read your story before and I see we do have some real similarities.

 

It's true that it's comforting to be reminded that we're not the only ones feeling exactly the same things... of course it doesn't help much with our own deeply personal feeling of heartbreak, but maybe a little bit.

 

I'm glad that finding out your ex was seeing someone so soon (and lining her up when he was with you ) actually made you realise something positive came from breaking up. I think my ex was dating about a month on. I tried to look at that as a painful but important step in the acceptance/healing process, but it was hard, and I'm struggling to focus on her negative/cold/insensitive points.

 

I too have my worse relapses when I've got free time, but it's probably best to let these thoughts play through us rather than try and block everything out. I just get worried I'm stuck in one stage of recovery and cycling over and over things too much... not that I can control my brain... well maybe.

 

I was recommended to try reading "I Can Mend Your Broken Heart" by Paul McKenna and Hugh Willbourn. I was very sceptical about something from a mega-rich TV hypnotist, but after it arrived today, I can say that everything in the opening pages makes perfect sense, and again it was very comforting to know that almost everyone feels these same emotions during heartbreak. I'm sure it reduces my anxiety and panic to read things like that over and over. It doesn't sound like they're making it out to be some magical cure, just techniques of helping you through the healing process. I'll see if it's much help.

 

I also fell asleep listening to McKenna's "I Can Make You Sleep" audio that I found online somewhere... again, I'm very sceptical, and maybe it was just falling asleep to listening to something soothing and distracting that helped, but I certainly had the best night's sleep I've had in a while. Still far from perfect, but I was able to drift back to sleep in the early morning more than I usually ever could at that time the thoughts of the break-up always pop back into my head.

 

Anyway, thanks again hopefully, you take care!

[Good Arms]

Had a slightly better day today as I managed to avoid seeing both the ex and her car at work. It's amazing how much of a difference that makes. She seemed to be gone at the end too, so hopefully back to her normal hours. It's been the least emotional day for quite a while. Also ended with a passing smile from someone who was/is rumoured to maybe like me. She's certainly been friendly the couple of times we talked briefly on work business. Not sure I trust that rumour (it came from a notorious wind-up merchant). But I'll take any sign of something positive right now!

[hopefully]

Wow, you sound happy, Good Arms! Nice progress! Well, I'm still at work so I could type much. Hope you sleep tight and warm!

[Graceful]

Had a slightly better day today as I managed to avoid seeing both the ex and her car at work.

It's been the least emotional day for quite a while.

But I'll take any sign of something positive right now!

You might not believe this (but I hope you do), but I had an omen that the next time you posted you were going to give an update about being in better spirits. Honestly, I had a feeling. No, I'm not psychic. (and I'm also not saying you won't have more crummy days, but we won't talk about that right now).

 

I also think that you're putting something positive out here, whether you realize it or not. Documenting your feelings and sharing how you're handing yourself is helping other people. It's a very positive thing to do, helping others, and I honestly think it is giving you positive energy back. That is what I believe.

 

Nice going.

[Good Arms]

Haha, thanks, judging from my previous posts, Grace, I think you must have psychic powers to predict anything positive from me! Anyway, I thought I'd post my thoughts, even if I suspect it's only a small positive blip, a moment's respite. I want my mind to dwell on these better moments when I can!

 

I hope some people can find something they relate to in reading about my own break-up, and that it helps them, or at least comforts them to know someone else feels the same, or finds working with their ex hard. I know it helps me when I read about experiences I can relate to. And if I can chip in on some threads with insights from my limited experience, that seems to be doing something positive rather than just feeling sorry for myself in my own thread and expecting you guys to come to the rescue!

 

Thank you once again, hopefully and Grace.

[GoingInsane]

Hi there. Read your thread and felt that I must comment because the similarities between you and me are spooky. First relationship in my early 30s, split after 2 years. Both work together. I'm extremely shy and have low self esteem. And I can't stop obsessing.

 

We got together and she fell for me big style. She was in her mid 20s and it was her first relationship too. Its funny, but we were never compatible and I think I knew that from the start. In a way I had all the power at the beginning because her feelings were stronger than mine. I wasn't attentive enough, looking back I knew it wasn't right even then. But because my confidence is so low, I kind of told myself that this was it. My one and only chance. And I would accept not being completely happy and not having much in common. I did love her and still do, but it was never heart skipping, take my breath away love.

 

Just under a year ago, I started to suspect she was flirting with someone else. I didn't know the extent of it, but knew they were close and I hated it. Months of turmoil, denials etc. We broke up (not over my suspicions) and I went through 3 months of pining, embarassment, wanting to get back together so I could make it work. I found out last week that she did have an affair and is now "kind of seeing" (her words) this new person - who incidently has just split from a LTR of 15 years. I've been snooping, obsessing, crying. Its awful. Have now gone NC but even though she lied and cheated, I'm the one that feels guilty. She knows I've snooped. She will hate me.

 

I've been trying to figure out why I'm so upset. I know she wasn't the one for me, I don't actually miss her as such, I just feel humiliated and my self esteem has plummeted to an all time low. Both she and the new lover work with me. I can't get away from it. I'm in quite a senior position in the company and my image is very different to who I am. Confident, secure, happy, in a powerful position but well liked. She knows that's not the real me though. I think she'll be telling people just how inexpereinced and needy I am. We tried to be friends when we first split up, but I now think it was just guilt and pity on her part. Worried about me because she knows how pathetic I am. Now she doesn't need to worry about me and probably feels relief.

 

Sorry to hijack your thread!

[hopefully]

... I'm extremely shy and have low self esteem....

 

...and my image is very different to who I am. Confident, secure, happy, in a powerful position but well liked...

 

This is almost what I am:(.When I was young, I was so shy that I didn't talk to anybody at all. And throughout the years, I've been working extra hard at school and work, reading extensively, because I want to feel confident and strong. Now I have no problem at public speaking at work and people think that I'm a friendly and sweet person, but deep down in my heart, I'm still the quiet girl who is really not sure whether she's good enough at all. My mother doesn't believe a bit that I have low self esteem...

 

 

We got together and she fell for me big style...Its funny, but we were never compatible and I think I knew that from the start. In a way I had all the power at the beginning because her feelings were stronger than mine. I wasn't attentive enough, looking back I knew it wasn't right even then. But because my confidence is so low, I kind of told myself that this was it. My one and only chance.

 

This is my situation too. He fell for me big time, though I had some doubts about whether we were really compatible, those doubts were soon forgotten because nobody before him liked me that much and I felt very flattered and thought that this was my one and only chance. I can totally understand what you are talking about.

 

 

Sorry, I'm not being helpful but I have to comment on the similarities.

 

All the best!

Edited January 7, 2011 by hopefully

[Good Arms]

Sorry to hijack your thread!

 

It's no problem at all GoingInsane, I'm glad you posted your story here!

 

I know exactly how you feel. I'm always trying to look at things in a positive light, but ultimately my self esteem has been destroyed by this break-up, by the nature of the break up and things that were said. Which in our position is ridiculous, I mean if you're like me you probably worried/resigned yourself as time went on that this would never happen - that someone would like us and we'd find ourselves in a passionate relationship. What a boost to my non-existent ego it was! It still should be, despite it coming to an end. But now I'm struggling to take anything positive from it, wondering if I'd be better off like someone I know who's a virgin at 30 like I was. At least then you can't begin to imagine the pain of heartbreak. I'm also worried what people at work know about me now. I know she's the type to tell her friends things, and I know too well just how rumours spread around work. I shouldn't care, I suppose I'd rather be seen as someone innocent than a cocky guy who sleeps around.

 

It's true, the similarities between our stories are incredible, aside from the cheating - how awful for you . We have a similar age gap, and like you, I think I found out soon into the relationship that we weren't really compatible... I mean complete opposites in a lot of ways. And I feel similar with you and hopefully in that her feelings were stronger than mine at the start. I viewed it as my one and only chance too, and that's why I'm still terrified now about the future. I did love her and loved her company, though we never truly clicked I guess due to our differences in interests, humour and character. But we clicked on some levels, and it was passionate and amazing at the best times.

 

I was TERRIFIED at the start of the relationship, with so much anxiety over what you're supposed to do on dates, the first kiss, intimacy, making her feel wanted, ideas of things to do etc. I'm still pretty clueless but I felt I'd got a lot more relaxed with things and was building more confidence just when she was deciding she'd had enough.

 

I struggled to believe she liked me so much at the start, I mean I've never felt wanted in my life, and she didn't hang around with getting intimate... and nerves got the better of me the first few times. Those first days I felt intimidated that she was so open about things, and at that stage I wasn't ready to talk openly about fantasies etc that she was bringing up, plus she mentioned stuff she did with exes (ugh)... I'd get embarrassed never having talked about such things to a girl before, and it all created a lot more performance anxiety. I didn't need reminding how experienced and comfortable with it all she was when I was struggling to be relaxed.

 

It seemed like everything was kind of out of my control, and in the first few days I was still so nervous and felt so out of my depth it kind of made me question if I really liked her. But soon as I got past that stage I truly fell for her, what I can only call love which strengthened as the weeks went on... at least from me... and she kept reassuring me with her words, texts and actions that she felt a lot for me, it certainly seemed to be mutual love. I couldn't believe I ever doubted I liked her.

 

Now of course I question everything, because the person at the end wasn't the person I fell for, her self-esteem-boosting lust for me went overnight, and I was left feeling humiliated at being unable to handle what I recognised was a break up happening in front of my eyes on that holiday of all places. I didn't know what to do, I wanted to try and sort things out but I couldn't approach the subject without crying, I was so destroyed that the holiday went so badly for no obvious reason other than me being too reserved. It wasn't the truth, but maybe that came across as being disinterested or something.

 

I know people say I did nothing wrong, but all I could do was my best, treat her well and I know it wasn't enough for her. I knew I had my limitations, I was never truly confident, I'm not an outgoing, happy-go-lucky person... I wanted to change, I made big steps, but ultimately just didn't have the life experience to be what she wanted. I was hoping the holiday would strengthen things, and within a day it was all going wrong.

 

One of the things she listed as wrong with me after she snapped on holiday was that I shouldn't be so nervous around her, "we've been together for ages now" she said... and told me to "man up" or something... you can imagine what that did to my confidence and self-esteem. My confidence with her came from being wanted, and when she started rejecting me, it went in an instant.

 

After days of her being a bit cold, and not affectionate, turning her back on me in bed, it was no wonder I'd been more nervous around her lately! I knew then it was out of my hands, I felt dirty and humilated for having tried to be affectionate that week when she wasn't reciprocating. But I never had the confidence to ask "is something wrong?" before she had a go at me, as I suppose I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with whatever she said, as it was bound to be negative and reinforce my low image of myself...

 

And I know communication is essential in a relationship, and other than our mismatch of personality, I think the way my life has been meant after 2+ months of being together I still had a lot of confidence yet to build... it doesn't happen overnight... and without confidence it's hard to be able to communicate when things weren't perfect anymore. Unfortunately I never got to prove that I think I would have become a more rounded, more confident partner given time. I can understand her losing patience with me, but sometimes it felt like she didn't really begin to understand how being alone for my adult life is bound to leave me with a pretty **** level of self-esteem. I guess someone who I assume had no shortage of admirers and boyfriends since her teens would never relate to that.

 

Sorry for dredging up all the negativity again, it's just that when I woke up this morning that strange 'good' feeling from yesterday was long gone And today at work I've been thinking all this through in my head again even though I try not to. I'm just trying to relate my story to yours, and how the hurtful things said at the end, the betrayal when she revealed she didn't really want to go on that holiday with me, the embarrassment and humiliation that I told her "I'm glad we can still be friends" when we split, before I learned there could be no such thing - I don't think we'll ever talk again - and the sense that she just felt pity for me at the end - it really affected my self-esteem which is still on life support. It's horrible, the protracted two weeks of the break-up have cast a pall over the two months of mostly wonderful, life-changing experience before it, and make me question the whole thing.

 

Did she ever really love me? Did she just hang around out of pity for a needy, insecure person? Did she ever imagine we had a future together? How long was she waiting to get that holiday out of the way before dumping me? I want to assure myself that things had been going as well as I'd thought, which they must have - she couldn't have faked her feelings for me, her desire for intimacy - but then at the same time that makes it even harder to let go of these memories. In my mind though the good times, the visualisation of them, her smile, the loving looks she gave me etc, have been slowly fading, but the pain of the break up and that humiliating picture of us falling out on holiday is permanently seared in my conciousness. And it's always kicking my self-esteem back down again.

 

But we'll get there, we have to keep up strict NC, try and handle working with the ex for those of us in that situation and tell ourselves we gave our best, even if it wasn't the right person, someone fell for us and gave us that chance of experiencing love, we can't blame ourselves entirely for things failing, or the mistakes we made afterwards.

 

Sorry for the long rambling post tonight. Thanks, I appreciate you both sharing your experiences.

Edited January 7, 2011 by Good Arms

[google_girl]

facebook snooping .lol you are not the only stupid here.Dont worry.I am with you.

[GoingInsane]

Thanks for the reply Good Arms. You know something? I felt better yesterday for the first time in months - just for getting all that out and for people not judging. I think I've found it easier to focus on the heartbreak (I'm not even sure I am heartbroken) because that's the "normal" thing to do, rather than talk about my massive insecurities and humiliation.

 

Looking back, me and the ex only really had about 3 months where everything was fantastic - yet we stayed together for another 2 years. Like you, I was kind of terrified of the intimacy, not because I've never been intimate before (not much, but a little bit!), not because I don't like it, but because she thought I was a lot more experienced than I was. And I was too embarassed to say otherwise at first. She was also very inexpericed and unfortunately our sex life wasn't very good. I couldn't tell her what I liked, I couldn't relax when we were in bed, I wanted her to enjoy it but didn't mind so much about myself. It was good at first, but then it just faded. She also wanted it more than me (she obviously got more out of it than me!) which caused us problems which we never talked about. She used to say I looked petrified when she went to kiss me (sometimes I was - it was a bit sloppy!) Reflecting now, the relationship should have stopped long before it did, but we were both too scared.

 

Its also interesting that you, me and hopefully have all said that our other halves were more keen than us at the start and that we all felt it was our one chance. I can only speak for myself, but how much low self esteem must I have if I was really prepared to be unhappy and be with someone who didn't excite me or really interest me that much - just because I was in my 30s and wanted to stop being alone. Good Arms - you and your ex broke up during the good times (for you). I wonder if your relationship would have followed a similar pattern to mine, where you weren't actually happy after a longer period together but were "making do".

 

I think most of my pain comes from thinking about how she now sees me. That she will laugh about me or pity me. I think about her with the new lover, having great sex, looking back on our relationship not with fondness but with embarassment that it was so rubbish. I cringe when I think back to how I was when we first split in September. I was desperate to get her back. A small part was because I thought it my only chance of love, but mainly I think it was because I didn't want to mean nothing to her anymore. I wanted her to fall back in love with me. She did lead me on a bit, I've no doubt about that. She has her own insecurities and she knew that I would jump whenever she came calling - I was a boost to her ego. Yet she's pretty arrogant as well - she thinks that I'm devastated because I was so deeply in love with her (well that's what she's told people, maybe deep down she knows that's not true). So for three months following our split, I was being the perfect supportive freind. Not moving on at all, hoping to get back together. Very selfish really - I guess it was to boost my own self esteem.

 

I think writing all this on here and reading from people with similar experiences the heartbreak isn't so much the lost love, but the lost self confidence. And that's soemthing we can get back without our ex's. We can do that ourselves. I do worry about whether I'll ever meet anyone again. I panic that if I do, I'll be even older and still very inexperienced - and will I make the same mistakes because I'm too embarassed to tell the truth. But I've realised that I've been pining and obsessing for something that didn't make me that happy. And that's stupid.

[Good Arms]

Went to the cinema with work friends today, a very rare outing as a group... unfortunately everyone has their own agenda afterwards in the evenings (one is practically married, one is more of a recluse than me), so it never leads to an opportunity to meet people. I was very reluctant, as I haven't been to the cinema since going 4 times with my ex, but I avoided dwelling on things or the places we waited at and it wasn't too bad. Then during the film (Tron: Legacy - way too long btw!) the main female character Quorra had to remind me so much of my ex (similar hair, similarish figure... and I see the actress is only a month different in age)... can't do a thing without something reminding me of her!

 

Thanks for the reply Good Arms. You know something? I felt better yesterday for the first time in months - just for getting all that out and for people not judging. I think I've found it easier to focus on the heartbreak (I'm not even sure I am heartbroken) because that's the "normal" thing to do, rather than talk about my massive insecurities and humiliation.

I'm glad it helped you to get some things off your chest, GoingInsane. And I'm glad you're posting here. Anyone is welcome to post about anything at all, no-one needs to worry about hijacking the thread or anything.

 

Like you, I was kind of terrified of the intimacy, not because I've never been intimate before (not much, but a little bit!), not because I don't like it, but because she thought I was a lot more experienced than I was. And I was too embarassed to say otherwise at first.

This is what's built up in my head over the years. I always knew that if I ever got into the position to lose my virginity (and believe me I wanted to!), I'd be so scared and nervous about things as the other person was always likely to have loads of experience the older I got. It became such a big thing in my head.

 

As it happens I was lucky that she basically coaxed it out of me that I hadn't been intimate before (apart from some drunken kisses years before - that was it) so she knew before we did anything. That helped. I think I've learned I need to be open about everything from the start. If someone thinks less of you because of that, then they're not worth being with. I'm sure before she asked me out she had no idea, she probably thought I'd had a fairly normal teens and twenties, I think the false confident image I probably projected at work (when I was safe with work friends I've known for years, and am comfortable talking to and joking with) is a very different picture to the real insecure me who finds it hard to talk to bank tellers or make a simple phone call!

 

She was also very inexpericed and unfortunately our sex life wasn't very good. I couldn't tell her what I liked, I couldn't relax when we were in bed, I wanted her to enjoy it but didn't mind so much about myself.

I was exactly the same with not being able to tell her what I liked at first. She'd ask me things quite openly and I just wouldn't know what to say, it would really put me off... I was so concentrated/worried on the basics of performing in the early days. She was never shy telling me what she liked, didn't like etc. It got better later though, I'd say if something felt good without her needing to ask, and could talk a little more openly about what we were doing, what she liked etc. There was still progress to be made though.

 

Our sex life seemed to be getting steadily better, I mean I was always still awkward with doing things, the nerves were always there, but we both enjoyed it and I soon learned how to please her... and pleasing her helped me relax a lot, pleased me too and boosted my self-esteem. It took me a while to actually be relaxed enough to fully enjoy things myself (if you get what I mean, though I always enjoyed it whatever the end result), but I'd got over that before we went away. We'd got to the stage where we could fully please each other every time. I felt like I'd made so much progress on that front, that the relationship was about to get stronger, that I'd be more relaxed with it all round as a result, so that I could give more of myself. So I was really hoping that spending a whole week together in a more private environment (we both live with our families) then I'd build up more confidence with sex. After just one night, there wouldn't be any more. The timing couldn't be worse for derailing my sense of self worth. It felt humiliating.

 

Its also interesting that you, me and hopefully have all said that our other halves were more keen than us at the start and that we all felt it was our one chance. I can only speak for myself, but how much low self esteem must I have if I was really prepared to be unhappy and be with someone who didn't excite me or really interest me that much - just because I was in my 30s and wanted to stop being alone.

Don't knock yourself for that though, at least you gave it a try at first and it's natural to hold onto what you do have rather than step into an uncertain future on your own.

 

Good Arms - you and your ex broke up during the good times (for you). I wonder if your relationship would have followed a similar pattern to mine, where you weren't actually happy after a longer period together but were "making do".

I think you may well be right, I mean we never truly 'clicked' I guess, there was passion there and I loved her company, we had some things in common, but we are so different in character, she's so much more impulsive and 'get up and go' than I am... I guess she wanted more excitement. I've been so used to doing my own thing all my life I just don't find myself capable of having endless topics of conversation to bring up (God how I wish I did, I mean it's just being of a quiet, introspective, sensitive nature and scared of being lost for words or being viewed as boring that's the crux of my social anxiety problem). I know she'd never have been happy to hang around and "make do", but of course I would probably have held on to something that was broken just to avoid being alone... I mean I was still hanging onto hope in those last few weeks when it was obvious her feelings had changed irrecovably.

 

I think most of my pain comes from thinking about how she now sees me. That she will laugh about me or pity me. I think about her with the new lover, having great sex, looking back on our relationship not with fondness but with embarassment that it was so rubbish.

You know, that's the same for me too. I mean the missing her and the loneliness is one huge aspect of the pain, but it's embarrassment over the break-up, and the questions my mind asks itself over and over again that still torture me. I felt so small when she fell out with me on holiday, even when she knew I'd got upset and tried to comfort me she was listing the things she wanted me to be, in other words pointing out to me exactly what I wasn't.

 

From that moment on we talked as friends at best, but it was a struggle to know what to say, and we both let it drag on without raising the issue again until the end. Without the affection I was used to from her, or without being able to say affectionate things to her, or give her those loving touches, it felt so awkward. I just felt she was trying to be nice to me out of pity, trying to work out how/when to break it to me that things were over. I guess she's probably with someone now (saw her with someone just before Xmas) and it sickens me to think how I'll be compared to him.

 

It almost feels like she left me as she knew I wasn't going to change, that she stuck it out a few months but knew I was a hopeless case, just started viewing me with pity... that's what my self-esteem has fallen to. Maybe it's just our insecurities talking, how are we supposed to know what they think of us now? I'm sure there has to be an element of regret that things didn't work out even from dumpers who move on quickly.

 

I cringe when I think back to how I was when we first split in September. I was desperate to get her back. A small part was because I thought it my only chance of love, but mainly I think it was because I didn't want to mean nothing to her anymore. I wanted her to fall back in love with me. She did lead me on a bit, I've no doubt about that. She has her own insecurities and she knew that I would jump whenever she came calling - I was a boost to her ego. Yet she's pretty arrogant as well - she thinks that I'm devastated because I was so deeply in love with her (well that's what she's told people, maybe deep down she knows that's not true). So for three months following our split, I was being the perfect supportive freind. Not moving on at all, hoping to get back together. Very selfish really - I guess it was to boost my own self esteem.

From reading so many posts here at LS and elsewhere, you needn't worry or cringe, it's pretty common to be desperate to save things when it's already over, and it's natural to want to hold onto friendship, even if it's the worst thing for our healing. I don't think it's selfish, I'm sure part of it was because you felt she didn't know what she was losing, that you wanted to keep that bond alive, that being together could still be good for both of you, even if things hadn't been great. I truly thought me and my ex could continue as casual friends after a period of healing, now I'm embarrassed to have suggested to her I was glad we're still friends after our break-up talk (a.k.a. her dumping me) which went amicably. I imagined we'd just speak to each other at work every so often. Luckily(?) I was so hurt by things, and so lacking in confidence I really couldn't have gone and spoken to her again or maintained contact, even if I wanted to. So I went NC and soon learned that applied to Facebook snooping too. I can't say it's worked wonders, I'm still thinking about her all the time, but I imagine things would be far worse if I was still in contact with her as a 'friend', just to hold onto something, at the same time as learning she's moving on without me. No thanks! But we all live and learn.

 

I think writing all this on here and reading from people with similar experiences the heartbreak isn't so much the lost love, but the lost self confidence. And that's soemthing we can get back without our ex's. We can do that ourselves. I do worry about whether I'll ever meet anyone again. I panic that if I do, I'll be even older and still very inexperienced - and will I make the same mistakes because I'm too embarassed to tell the truth. But I've realised that I've been pining and obsessing for something that didn't make me that happy. And that's stupid.

I'm glad you've come to that realisation, I hope it makes you heal quicker. I hope I can accept that ultimately we were never going to be together forever, deep down I knew we were just too different for it to last in the long term, however much I overlooked it at the time, and however hard that is to accept/believe even now.

 

Your insecurities are the same as mine, I know almost everyone dumped in a break up has fears about the future, we just have some more things preying on our minds too...

 

If/when you meet someone else I'd suggest trying to be open about things from the start (easier said than done I know), I don't know how to suggest raising it in conversation or when the right time is though... maybe someone else could give some advice? If I was with someone who wasn't as forward as my ex, I imagine I'd struggle to reveal the whole truth too. I know for me I'd have been more embarrassed if she found I was having difficulty performing but didn't know why, maybe assuming it was something about her. I'm sure for a lot of women they wouldn't view it as bad at all to not have had much experience, like us. I guess some would find it a pleasant change, at least it shows we don't sleep around etc, and we're not just after sex.

 

Anyway, I'm sure that recognising mistakes we made can only help us in future relationships, even if in both our cases it wasn't all our fault. Some things are just meant to end sooner or later. I know I've learned a lot from this break-up, there are mistakes I'd try not to repeat if I do get the chance to be with someone else, and I think you've become a more rounded person too. You're able to look back and see things that you'd do differently next time.

Edited January 8, 2011 by Good Arms

[hopefully]

Thank you Good Arms and GoingInsane for sharing your thoughts. I've been thinking and reading some posts over the weekend and I've realized that in my situation, there is no chance for it to work out as a long-term relationship. Not only that on my side, I lack the experience and communication skills to be in a relationship, also on his side, I've found out the proof that he wasn't thinking of long-term dating with me in the first place.

 

In retrospect, it's perfectly understandable that he doesn't want anything serious. In fact, if he doesn't want a marriage again in his life time, I wouldn't be surprised. He's been married to an alcoholic for seven years and was filing divorce last year. Before it was finalized, the wife died of a seizure. So basically he's both separated and widowed. This dude is severely damaged. BUT, he should have told me that he's not into anything serious:mad:. I met him through friend's friend's friend and I've told him the first time we met that I'm not into casual dating. what I want is something serious and long-term that might lead to marriage. And definitely I want to have children in the marriage, unless there are some medical problems on either party. And at that time he answered that he wanted something similar. And I believed.

 

The proof that he wasn't even thinking about a future with me is that he doesn't want children. He didn't have any children from the previous marriage and my friend's friend's friend has confirmed to me that he probably doesn't children in the future either. When we met, he didn't tell me that it was only one month after his almost-ex wife passing away. I assumed that the death happened some time ago since I don't think I could date a short time after either being widowed or divorced

 

From the very beginning to the very end, he's been telling me that I'm the sweetest girl he's ever met. Guess that's what he needed at his stage of grieving: someone sweet, trusting and drama free. (And the reason for my sweetness was probably because nobody had broken my heart yet at that time:confused:). I feel being used and ashamed of myself. Embarrassment has become a big obstacle in my healing process.

 

Also from my side, I'm shy, inexperienced and not really sure how to communicate in a relationship. But I have learned some valuable lessons.

 

The whole thing does sound doomed from the beginning.

 

So it seems that my brain has figured out everything. This is a lost cause. Strangely, it doesn't make the grieving process any easier. But, at least, it was sunny today, which hasn't happened in a very long time.

Edited January 11, 2011 by hopefully

[GoingInsane]

How you both feeling today?

 

I had been doing well but have had set back. I knew there was a chance that I might bump into her at work today (I had a meeting in the offices where she works) and so I was churned up from the moment I woke up. When I got there, I saw her car but not her. She was either deliberately keeping her head down or she might not have even known I was there. Although I didn't want to see her, I couldn't help but consciously look for her, look out at her car, walk past her office door. I don't know why.

 

I can't stop thinking about her and her new lover - are they happy? Is it serious or casual? How often do they see each other? Did they car share today? Obsessive thoughts just going over and over in my mind. I know she isn't giving me a seconds thought. I know that we weren't right and the breakup was for the best. But I just feel so rejected and so hurt. I should be angry with her - instead I'm upset that she doesn't love me any more (even though I wouldn't want her back if she did). Think I'm going crazy....

 

ETA: or maybe I would take her back. After everything she has done, all the hurt and pain, even though she doesn't make me particularly happy, after all that, maybe I would take her back. That's just desperate and someone will no self respect.

Edited January 13, 2011 by GoingInsane

[hopefully]

Hi GoingInsane, thank you for asking. I generally feel better during the weekdays than weekends. I used to love weekends and now I feel the weekdays are passing so fast and it feels just in one second and I have to face another unbearable weekend.

 

Believe me, you don't want to see her. Last weekend, I got a glimpse of that guy when I was at a grocery store and my whole body literally started shaking and I ran out of the store immediately. He was talking on the phone and half facing away from me. I hope he didn't see me at all. I almost ran a red light on my way back home:o. I'm so glad that he and I don't work at the same company and I totally understand how difficult it must have been for you and Good Arms.

 

I have obsessive thoughts too. Every morning I would walk in the park near my apartment for an hour and I have the similar, if not exact, thoughts as yours. You are not alone. Hang on there!

[Good Arms]

Thanks hopefully and GoingInsane for the replies.

 

He's been married to an alcoholic for seven years and was filing divorce last year. Before it was finalized, the wife died of a seizure. So basically he's both separated and widowed. This dude is severely damaged. BUT, he should have told me that he's not into anything serious:mad:.

 

Your ex obviously did carry some serious baggage into your relationship. You're right, he shouldn't have led you to believe he was ready for something serious. I'm surprised he could date so soon after his ex passed away, that's not fair on anyone... I guess it was all part of him feeling very messed up.

 

I feel being used and ashamed of myself. Embarrassment has become a big obstacle in my healing process.

 

I can understand your feelings, but you have to tell yourself you have NO reason to be embarrassed or ashamed. Tell yourself again and again. I'm trying to do the same.

 

Also from my side, I'm shy, inexperienced and not really sure how to communicate in a relationship. But I have learned some valuable lessons.

 

The whole thing does sound doomed from the beginning.

 

This is what I think the failure of our relationship came down to, and I worry that I'm ever capable of having a relationship that lasts. It would take someone perhaps more understanding of my life-long insecurities than my ex was to put up with me. I don't blame her, but I just don't think she could relate to why I didn't have confidence, and why I didn't take the lead in the relationship. Surely knowing I was a virgin at 31 should say a lot. Instead of finding everything natural, in any new situation I always had to second guess myself.

 

So it seems that my brain has figured out everything. This is a lost cause. Strangely, it doesn't make the grieving process any easier.

 

My mind can come to similar conclusions. The evidence is there that things weren't going to last, even at the best times I wasn't the best at communicating, truly being myself around her. All boiled down to inexperience and shyness. And even recognising that we had our incompatibilities, that she had some personality traits I didn't like, none of this logic helps the grieving process. The heart is still pining for what we had, and struggling to accept it's gone.

 

How you both feeling today?

 

Thanks for asking! I'll be honest, I haven't been feeling great myself. Just feel stuck in a deep depression most of the time. It lifted a little bit later today, don't know why. I was talking to a work friend who's going away on holiday soon on his own. Got me thinking about some time I have off work at the end of next month, and that I should get off my backside and start planning something, maybe go somewhere more exciting than I would normally and screw the expense.

 

I know travelling will bring up so many emotional triggers (having recently done the whole airport/plane experience with my ex, just before things went bad) but I've always travelled alone as an adult since 2004 so I shouldn't suddenly feel that I can't anymore. I think it may help me to move on a little, readjust to the current reality, plus be something positive to look forward to. But I don't know yet, knowing me I won't find the motivation to plan anything soon and it'll all end up too late. We'll see.

 

Although I didn't want to see her, I couldn't help but consciously look for her, look out at her car, walk past her office door. I don't know why.

 

Sorry you had a setback. That's exactly what I've been like. I know it'll hurt to see her, but at work, while I don't walk around looking for her, I'm constantly on the lookout when I know it's her break etc. And I've been looking out for her car, even though it always hurts to see it. Today I made a conscious effort to avoid looking for it, when I walked past the car park at meal time. Just put my hood up (it was cold and misty) and kept looking straight ahead. It really takes some effort to resist this weird temptation.

 

Thankfully I haven't seen her at work for a while. She may have been in her car when two of us went to meet a work friend in the car park the other day. It was a risky thing to do, as I'm going on dinner break when she comes in (she's part time). I spotted her car in the dark but looked away before it would look like I'd seen it. Sometimes I think not seeing her around is worse, as the tension just feels like it's building up to the next time I'll see her, which will hurt whatever the circumstances. I wonder if I saw her walking by every day it would help me accept things, I just don't know. She seems to be making the effort to keep out of sight, possibly more since I disappeared from her Facebook. So unless that's just coincidence I'm guessing she may understand how much the break-up hurt, and does care for my feelings.

 

I can't stop thinking about her and her new lover - are they happy? Is it serious or casual? How often do they see each other? Did they car share today? Obsessive thoughts just going over and over in my mind. I know she isn't giving me a seconds thought.

 

It's horrible isn't it, how our minds torture us, when we know that while they may have occasional pangs of regret, of sadness or guilt, ultimately they're going on with life without the burden of loss and pain that we have to struggle through. Before I experienced one, I vaguely imagined that break-ups would be painful, but it never occurred to me just how unjust everything feels. It's hard not to have that victim mentality about the whole thing, that the world owes it to you to stop this unfair, undeserved and unexpected emotional agony.

 

I know that we weren't right and the breakup was for the best. But I just feel so rejected and so hurt. I should be angry with her - instead I'm upset that she doesn't love me any more (even though I wouldn't want her back if she did). Think I'm going crazy....

 

ETA: or maybe I would take her back. After everything she has done, all the hurt and pain, even though she doesn't make me particularly happy, after all that, maybe I would take her back. That's just desperate and someone will no self respect.

 

Again, this is exactly what I feel. I feel like I've reached rock bottom, the depths of despair, so of course if she wanted me back I should tell her to go **** herself! But (not that it will happen, or I'm even clinging to any hope that it would) I know I'd probably take her back in an instant. Pathetic.

 

Believe me, you don't want to see her. Last weekend, I got a glimpse of that guy when I was at a grocery store and my whole body literally started shaking and I ran out of the store immediately. He was talking on the phone and half facing away from me. I hope he didn't see me at all. I almost ran a red light on my way back home:o. I'm so glad that he and I don't work at the same company and I totally understand how difficult it must have been for you and Good Arms.

 

Oh, I'm so sorry for you! As I was alluding to before, maybe it's worse when you haven't seen them for a while, so when you do, it's unbearable.

 

I can't say I'm glad to talk to people going through experiences with so many similarities, I wouldn't wish our pain on my mortal enemy, but I'm glad we can remind each other that what we're going through isn't unique to ourselves, that we shouldn't feel guilty that we're not finding things easy. Keep posting and hang in there!

[FreeToBe]

I wish I had more time to reply - I'm just about out the door...

 

I'm really sorry for the hurt you're feeling right now, but understand that it will pass eventually... It sounds to me that you were a fill-in or a rebound for this girl.

 

I will try to post back with a more substantive response when I get a moment, but just wanted to say hang in there!

[Good Arms]

Thanks FreeToBe. It's no comfort, but I guess people say rebounds don't usually work, and to me, if you're chasing someone no more than a month after still seeing your ex (a "friends with benefits" kind of arrangement I think they had) then that's a rebound.

[GoingInsane]

Hi Good Arms and Hopefully. Hope you're both okay.

 

I've been reading a book - Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliott and I've found it pretty useful. There's a middle section about taking care of yourself and low self esteem, I've certainly had some eye opening moments reading it. Maybe you could give it a try? I'm avoiding the next chapter though - its about writing down all the good/bad things about the relationship and the ex. Not sure I can face that yet.

 

Sometimes I think I'm doing okay, but then I reflect on the day/week and realise I've spent the majority of my time thinking about her. I still wake up thinking of her - and that had stopped until I learnt of the affair just over 2 weeks ago. I still think about her when doing mundane tasks like food shopping or cooking (wondering if she'd be proud of me for getting on and doing it - she tended to like doing all that stuff). I think of her when I'm at the gym - imagining being fitter and healthier and how she would view me then. I think about her when I'm watching tv or even when out with friends. Sometimes it isn't even a specific thought - its just a nagging thought that I can't get rid of.

 

And when that thought comes to the surface, I then start looking back on the relationship or thinking of her with the new lover. I just wish I could stop!! Its driving me mad. I think I'm actually torturing myself because when I catch myself having not thought about her for a while, I consciously decide TO think about her.

 

I wonder when this will start getting better. Its been 4 months since we split, I can't blame her for moving on. I doubt she thinks about me at all now and why should she?

[Good Arms]

Hi GoingInsane.

 

I've been reading a book - Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliott and I've found it pretty useful. There's a middle section about taking care of yourself and low self esteem, I've certainly had some eye opening moments reading it. Maybe you could give it a try? I'm avoiding the next chapter though - its about writing down all the good/bad things about the relationship and the ex. Not sure I can face that yet.

 

Thanks, seems to have good reviews, may be worth a try. I can totally understand how you're avoiding that chapter. May have mentioned I bought Paul McKenna's "I Can Mend Your Broken Heart", that was recommended to me. Haven't got far into it yet, but everything makes sense, and the exercises (many of which I've already read about online) might help if I put my mind to them.

 

Sometimes I think I'm doing okay, but then I reflect on the day/week and realise I've spent the majority of my time thinking about her.

 

It's mental isn't it, how our minds won't cooperate when we know that thinking about them can only hurt. I know we're supposed to get busy and distract ourselves, but being alone at night there's only one place my mind is going to go back to

 

I went out to get some exercise this evening. Thought I'd go crazy if I didn't. I'm really not someone who'd be comfortable going to a gym, so I've always used the great outdoors for exercise, but (I know it's just an excuse) the weather in winter just makes me want to hibernate. It finally stopped raining just before dark so I made the most of it.

 

Anyway, I walked and ran a little through the nearby country lanes. Stopped and fed some horses - open hay bundles were just outside the gate of their field. And that gets me reminiscing again... she loves animals... this is something we should be doing together... why isn't she here with me? Ugh.

[hopefully]

Thank you Good Arms for the encouragement and GoingInsane for the book recommendation. I'll look it up. I totally understand when you two wrote that you've been thinking of the ex at your spare time, because I have been the same. My brain went over every detail of the relationship during my daily morning walk, and it feels like an annoying background noise that refused to go away.

 

And I remember during the breakup conversation, he said something like "you may have to go over many different varieties and flavors to find the right person". He meant it as a joke, but that prospect actually terrifies me. Ah, I don't think I could go through many breakups to find the right variety and flavor while still keep my sanity intact.

 

I had another weekend with depression. This down feeling started in the Friday afternoon and reached the peak Saturday evening. I felt so restless and desperate that I even couldn't sit down and write on this forum. And by the midnight of Saturday, I was so exhausted by myself, I fell in to a sleep with disturbing dreams. This pattern has been repeating itself for several weeks and I'm kind of afraid of the weekend now. I guess in the past few months, a clock has been set in my system that my body expects the weekend would be a quality time spending together with my ex. And when my head tells my body that it won't happen anymore, it becomes frantic and desperate. And when Monday comes again, I start feeling better. Geez, I need to break this circle. Who believes that I used to hate Monday:laugh:

 

Well, the upside is that now when I watch TV/movie, I could understand the things between lovers much better, the sweet nothings, the intimate whispers, the breakups, etc.. Before this personal experience, I never fully understood why people act desperate after breakups in the movies. I mean I knew it would be painful but, come on, that person doesn't love you anymore, why you don't just move on instead of humiliating yourself. Well, now I know much better.

 

Thank you again guys for the support.

Edited January 18, 2011 by hopefully

[Good Arms]

I'm sorry you're struggling through the weekends, hopefully. Me too. It's so physically exhausting, all this worrying and anxiety over someone I won't get back. This couldn't have happened at a worse time, early in winter. I've noticed my mood lifts a bit if the sun breaks through the clouds. Always thought I had symptoms of S.A.D., I'm sure it's making me feel even gloomier. Then again, when it's sunny, my mind goes back to the end of summer when we had our magical early dates. I'm already dreading the one year anniversary of us getting together, if I'm not over it by then. I'm projecting a future when I'll feel sad, I really shouldn't do that.

 

On our 2 month anniversary I bought her some chocolates on the Monday. Everything was wonderful the weekend before. The best it had been yet. Then the next week, our holiday, and the relationship breakdown. I can't get my head around how things changed so quickly, how she broke it to me afterwards that she didn't really want to go away with me beforehand. Well she gave me no impression of that the weekend before! When did she have doubts? Why do I care? This is all the stuff that I shouldn't go over, but in my mind I do every day!

 

If we're going by the date (18th) it's 2 months on for me today. That's about the length of the relationship before things went bad. I'll be honest, I don't feel I've progressed much in that time. I still feel like my heart's been ripped out, none of it makes any sense to me even now. I still go over the same old stuff in my head. The good memories are fading in visual intensity, but the hurt of the breakup and the pining for her company isn't.

 

But I shouldn't dwell on it here everyday. I think I've been making an effort not to write my every thought out lately. I'm sure it only keeps things fresher in my mind. But they say to write your thoughts down in a journal, so this is the same kind of thing. And I don't want to censor my thoughts, or pretend things are rosier than they are. At least I haven't had to see her lately. It's been the longest time yet that I've not seen her around work... I worry it'll be a bigger shock next time I do.

 

Somehow the further time gets from when we were together, that just makes me sadder that the period in my life when the relationship was good is further and further behind me. When I know I need to move on and let her go, my heart just wants to travel back in time and feel loving and being loved again. Why do humans have to be so complicated, why can't we just love and be loved?

 

Well, the upside is that now when I watch TV/movie, I could understand the things between lovers much better, the sweet nothings, the intimate whispers, the breakups, etc.. Before this personal experience, I never fully understood why people act desperate after breakups in the movies. I mean I knew it would be painful but, come on, that person doesn't love you anymore, why you don't just move on instead of humiliating yourself. Well, now I know much better.

 

Me too! I don't know if it was here or elsewhere, but I posted something similar, that now I understand the pain others go through, when before I didn't have a clue. And of course that comes to movies etc too, although I avoid anything romantic like the plague as it just makes me feel so lonely!

 

Thanks for posting, hopefully. Take care.

[Graceful]

Good Arms,

Just wanted to say "hi" as I haven't posted in your thread for a while. It's so nice that your thread has taken on a "blog" format for you, a place to come and document your thoughts, and that there are some nice people that have joined in to share similar feelings. Very healing, you know.

 

It does get a little intimidating as time passes ... but try not to use a calendar to determine how you feel, or how far into the past your experience is slipping. It was a very important chapter in your life, the calendar and clock are not going to make it disappear. It would be nice if the pain would subside, I agree, and even though you feel a lack of progress in some ways, there has been a lot of progress on your part, including sharing here, which you may never have imagined you'd be doing.

 

I found your thread and posted to you b/c you sounded like such a nice person, and I not only am glad I posted, but I can see I was right about how nice you are. Everything you've said and done since your breakup is evidence of the person you really are. Take care and keep the faith. Grace