Into my 30s and struggling with my first break up

[GoingInsane]

Hi guys. I've felt a bit better the last few days, but tonight I seem to have had a major setback. I just feel angsty and anxious and can't stop thinking about things. It started because I was reminded of something so I became obsessed by going through my diary and working out what was happening at that time. It doesn't help. This is the worst I've felt for a week.

 

I can't get thoughts of her with her new lover out of my head. It sounds terrible but I don't want them to be happy. I want her to remember me and think about me, but I've no doubt that I don't even enter her thoughts any more.

 

And I've been thinking again tonight that I will never find anyone else. She's moved on (and when this relationship breaks up, she'll move on again) and I'll just be alone.

 

I'm sorry for such a negative post. I just had to get it out.

[Good Arms]

I found your thread and posted to you b/c you sounded like such a nice person, and I not only am glad I posted, but I can see I was right about how nice you are. Everything you've said and done since your breakup is evidence of the person you really are. Take care and keep the faith. Grace

 

Thanks Grace, once again I'm touched by your reply. Because when I'm down and uncommunicative I don't feel like I'm being a nice person to those around me, it feels like I'm neglecting them, when all I want to do is cheer up and put my own worries to one side. So if it comes across here at least then that makes me feel a little better. If that makes any sense?

 

And I agree, I'm really pleased to have hopefully and GoingInsane posting here too. I hope you guys feel the same, that it's comforting to hear from someone else in similar circumstances.

 

Hi guys. I've felt a bit better the last few days, but tonight I seem to have had a major setback. I just feel angsty and anxious and can't stop thinking about things. It started because I was reminded of something so I became obsessed by going through my diary and working out what was happening at that time. It doesn't help. This is the worst I've felt for a week.

 

I'm sorry you've had a big setback. Sometimes I can't help but go into obsessive detail about some event, some part of the break-up, and my goes over and over it. I'm hoping eventually the brain will decide there's no more information to go over, there are no new conclusions to be found. There's a list of questions in my head I want to ask my ex, but I never will.

 

I can't get thoughts of her with her new lover out of my head. It sounds terrible but I don't want them to be happy. I want her to remember me and think about me, but I've no doubt that I don't even enter her thoughts any more.

 

I think it's a good reflection on you as a person that you worry it sounds terrible. Don't worry, it's only natural to feel that way, I don't think anyone could genuinely wish them to be happy, not unless you really have let go and moved on. I can't help but hope my replacement (if there really is one yet) doesn't treat her as well as I did. And it does make me a bit guilty to say that, but so what?

 

I can't begin to imagine what a dumper thinks in their head, so I wonder too if my ex thinks about me. I mean, she must do sometimes, but I like to think it's not just looking on me with pity and wondering if I'm coping OK. Sometimes I like to think she's wondered if she really made the right decision, if she's ever had second thoughts. But I highly doubt it. I'm wasting my energy even thinking about this stuff.

 

And I've been thinking again tonight that I will never find anyone else.

 

It's horrible all this worrying isn't it, this is my biggest anxiety aside from obsessing about the hurtful things she said in the break-up itself. I mean I know I need to make changes and make an effort now, an opportunity handed to me on a plate like I had is hardly likely to happen again. It's easier said than done, but I've read that you shouldn't dwell on the past or worry about the future, just focus on the day in hand. Don't ask me how!

[GoingInsane]

Thank you Good Arms and hopefully. I don't think I can explain just how much it means to be able to talk to you both and see two people going through a similar thing. I don't wish the way I'm feeling on anybody, but it does help being able to talk to people who understand.

 

I've been obsessing today. I now know my triggers. New information. Whether that's info from a friend, accidental knowledge gained from colleagues or catching a glimpse of them (so seeing how they now look - "new information"), its that which triggers the more obsessive thoughts. Good Arms hit the nail on the head perfectly - new information makes you think that new conclusions can be found. You know what though - it doesn't. The relationship is over, whether they still care about us shouldn't matter. Its done. My ex had an affair. Whether it started in March or Sept it doesn't matter, she had an affair. She's in a new relationship. Whether its hearts and flowers and a big love story or a cheap fling, it doesn't matter. She's moved on.

 

I just wish my heart would catch up with my brain!

 

I think the reason I am so obsessed about all the details is that I want to convince myself that she still cares. That I am worth caring about. But that's my self esteem and confidence talking (or lack of), and I can do something about that without her. I can go to the gym, I can read my self esteem book and do the exercises, I can try to be happy with myself. I don't need her for that.

 

So that's what I'm going to do. Focus on myself. Its just a bit easier said than done.....

[Good Arms]

So that's what I'm going to do. Focus on myself. Its just a bit easier said than done.....

 

Good for you, keep at it and don't give up!

 

I keep having good intentions to do the same, or stay away from LS and just focus on distraction, but I always end up obsessing over the same old ground wherever I am. I feel like I'm stuck trying to make sense of something that will never truly make sense. So much so that this kind of blocks out the worries of what she's up to now, who she's with etc... I suppose that's the only positive thing I can say about it.

 

In fact I just posted what I intended to be a brief follow-up post here, but ended up over-analysing as usual... why can't I just forget this nightmare holiday and move on? I thought I'd repost what I wrote here anyway, since it may add some further details to my story:

 

I dated a woman for about four months not too long ago... Things were good for the bulk of the time, until we went away on a trip.

 

Her behavior was horrible for the whole trip and she all but ruined it... When we returned, she contacted me a few times the first week trying to talk. I never responded.

This has echoes of my story, though in my case on holiday she withdrew affection, treated me coldly and destroyed my self confidence by listing my failings that had been pissing her off... she treated me like s**t when all I'd done was give her my best. She knew she'd been horrible, while I knew there were things I needed to work on given my inexperience of relationships. She acknowledged afterwards by text that she'd "ruined" my holiday... but stood behind the things she said (fair enough, but I was only 2 months into my first ever relationship, still gradually building confidence with EVERYTHING... I wish she could understand that NOTHING came easily to me, but I gave it my best and always cared for her). I wasn't worried about the holiday being spoiled, all I cared about was the relationship.

 

In hindsight I kind of wish I had the foresight/balls to end things myself, or initiate the "we need to talk" rather than be a wet blanket and let her drag things out, hoping she'd show me some affection again, come back to me emotionally. It was obvious she'd all but dumped me. But because she'd said sorry about the holiday (I had already said so too, for the failings that upset her) and later she said sorry for being such a "knob head" lately, I held onto hope we may be able to patch things up. I sometimes think "if only I wasn't so upset that I could have talked to her about it all", but I think by then it was already too late. Passionate intimacy on the first night of holiday, feeling confused and rejected the next. At least after the break-up I've made no attempt to break NC or plead with her. I may be devasted to the core of my soul, but I've still got too much self-respect for that. I doubt she'll ever come over at work and talk to me again intentionally.

[Good Arms]

Ugh. Facebook is evil.

 

A mutual friend of my ex and I is travelling somewhere interesting, so I thought I'd reactivate my account for the first time in a while to see if he's posted any updates. I've already blocked my ex so I won't see anything from her. Anyway, there's nothing from my friend about his travels, although I saw he was invited to a birthday meal which some of my ex's friends were attending... so that sends my mind racing.

 

Then I go and look at another mutual work friend's page... no valid reason, it can only be that I'm looking for references to my ex. And he mentions to someone else that [insert ex's name] went to the pub quiz he goes to, and out in town afterwards with him and some others. My anxiety and jealousy goes into overdrive...

 

I don't even know if this is my ex - he knows someone of the same name and is always talking to them on Facebook, but from what I can gather from her FB the other girl by that name lives in Scotland, the other end of the country. I doubt they'd ever be romantically involved (though I've already got suspicious since the break-up, as I have with a number of guys based on any spurious evidence) as they've known each other as friends for years. It should be some relief that he laughs about they were joking about setting up [insert ex's name] with someone at the end of the night... so obviously he's not seeing her, or chasing her... even if this was the right [insert ex's name]!!! And yet if this is my ex, it shows she's still single - she'd rather be single than be with me. How is that supposed to make me feel? I know from the last time I saw her FB earlier this month she was still listed as single.

 

Just these slight things make me sick to my stomach. It all makes me tempted to unblock my ex just to figure it all out, to confirm which [insert ex's name] this was. To confirm something I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW IN THE FIRST PLACE. Facebook continues to provide slivers of information to torture me, even when I've blocked my ex... back to deactivation, I don't know if I ever want to be on there again. I know snooping always hurts, I've learned that lesson, yet the temptation is always there to get information when you can. The other day at work I found myself checking the overtime boards to see if she was working at the weekend - she was. I don't know what that tells me, when we were together she always said she planned to do overtime at the weekends when it was available... so it's not like it proves she's single or anything. And why should I even care, she's not with me, end of story! But seeing tidbits of information like this remind me that she still exists, and that alone, an obvious truth that I try to mentally block out, HURTS.

 

I haven't seen her around work for a very long time now. I'm sure she'll show her face in the area sometime though, and I'm dreading it. The memories are fading a little but I'm still deep in depression. It's hard to find motivation to enjoy anything. I don't really know what I do enjoy. I'm realistic, I know that I've always been reclusive and find it hard to even get into/face up to situations where I might meet women. So even though my feelings for her may be fading with the vividness of the memories, very slowly, the loneliness can be overwhelming at times. I'm worn out from trying to distract myself, I leave no time to relax because I just can't relax, that's when my mind mulls over everything.

 

And I'm still beating myself up over how I caused the break-up. My stupid negative mind has made the whole relationship an embarrassment, everything at the end my fault. When I know in reality it wasn't, that considering my inexperience I gave the best I could, treated her well. I know there were some red flags, different outlooks on things, ultimately we were never likely to be together for life or anything.

 

Anyway, sorry for the long diatribe of self pity. I'm still struggling, although a week or so ago I had a couple of days when I felt relatively more positive, calm and upbeat. I'd like a few more of those to make life tolerable. I think it co-incided with me trying to twist my thoughts that things ended mutually, kind of lie to myself that we both agreed that things weren't working out, but would stay friends, albeit friends who don't speak. Obviously a lie, but maybe thinking that way seemed to help for a while. I'm not really explaining myself clearly, these things make more sense to me when I'm away from the keyboard, and I'm often thinking things at work I'd like to get off my chest on LS, but when I'm here my mind draws a blank.

 

It's my ex's birthday in 2 weeks. The day after Valentine's day. I'm dreading it, obviously she'll be on my mind a lot more that day, and I'll hate Valentine's day just as much as every year of my adult life. A horrible commercial day that rubs it into singles and the lonely that they don't have someone to share it with. We talked about her birthday and V.day together, in my mind we were always going to be together by then and well into this year... making plans and talking about things kind of cements a definite future in your mind. She was always clear about what she wanted, in a cute/jokey way I guess... told me her birthday was separate from Valentine's day, kind of warning me not to lump them together I think... I wouldn't say she was selfish but she did always tell me what she liked or didn't like as far as gifts go... something I'd never really do in such an up-front way. Don't really know where I'm going with this, I'm just rambling...

[Good Arms]

I saw her at work today, for the first time in about a month. I had a funny feeling I would. She was in my area, talking to her ex (a long term bf of years ago; they stayed friends as I've mentioned). Don't know what was so important that she had to make an appearance, as it seems like she has been making the effort to keep away since the early days after dumping me. Straight away I got nervous, I barely looked across to her but it upset me to see her again after a while. After she went I struggled to stop tears coming out. I don't want to find her attractive but of course I still do, you can't just turn that off, and when I see her at work it reminds me clearer than ever she has a life that goes on without me. I wonder what she thinks when she walks by and doesn't look over.

 

It seems crazy that not so long ago she was falling asleep in my arms, I'd feel her breath on my face... now we're strangers. I know that's the only way to be but it really hurts. I hate to have it rubbed in my face that she and her ex remained friends. I don't know the circumstances of their break-up, whether they went straight to friends or later on, but I can't quite understand how they do that... especially when his current girlfriend works in the same building too.

 

I still can't get my head around everything, it still feels so raw.

[Good Arms]

Again she came over and talked to her old ex today, on the same break as yesterday. I got nervous and my hands started getting clammy. At first she crouched down out of sight, but then she stood up facing in my direction. I could see though the corner of my eye. God, it felt so uncomfortable.

 

I didn't look across in case we made eye contact. Then when she went to walk away, I did look over to see her give me a quick wave as she walked past. I nodded my head and smiled from behind my PC... you wouldn't believe just how many emotions this simple exchange stirred up.

 

It was the first time she did this since soon after the break-up. On the one hand it was nice and reassuring that it shows she still cares and must think about me, but on the other hand it makes me miss her sweet and caring side that I tried to block out... that exercise where you keep thinking about all the bad points, the things you didn't like.

 

She was already on my mind more than ever, as I dreamed we were sleeping together again last night... the worst thing to wake up to reality from!

 

It's so difficult trying to appreciate the benefits of NC when it's impossible to do it properly at work.

 

I end up feeling guilty for doing the whole NC thing, cutting ties on Facebook, keeping away from her, yet as the one who was dumped (and not holding onto any hope of getting back together) I know that's what I had to do for my own good. Or was it? I'm so confused now, I'm starting to think it might be easier given our situation at work to see her every so often as a friend... somehow as though that would make things less tense, make me accept the loss of our romantic relationship (acceptance of which hasn't really sunk in, over 2 months on) if there was still a form of friendship surviving.

 

I know I couldn't do it though, I get emotional at the thought of having to talk to her, when I try and think of what I could possibly say to her that sounds positive and not desperate or self-pitying. And of course I'd be terrified of hearing anything about her life other than how her cats are, or her family! But I don't know, I don't really feel I'm able to move on when I'm always worrying about seeing her at work, and getting jealous of seeing people still have her in their lives as a friend.