She wants to got, but I do not

[goingstrong]

want to go to our church's band concert tonight. She is feeling guilty about not going to church the last several Sundays..due to kids sports. and at 2 this afternoon, she lays this on me. I said she could go, but count me out. The band is mediocre at best, and bad Christian music by a mediocre band is not my idea of fun.

 

So here is the problem..when the kids...13 (boy), 11(girl), and 8(boy) found out that dad didn't want to go, the boys didn't want to go either. I could see the disappointment in her face and hear it in her voice. So she left to do some errands, and myself feeling guilty texted her and said I would go( I would rather get my teeth drilled than go to this, but I realize that sacrifice is part of marriage, so I shall go without complaining). Now she texts me back and says "yay, but don't feel like you have to". I'm a big boy and know better, so I am not biting on that one, .....but what I want to know is

 

Is it too late and am I already in the doghouse, or does she owe me for sucking it up?

Edited December 19, 2010 by goingstrong

[zengirl]

want to go to our church's band concert tonight. She is feeling guilty about not going to church the last several Sundays..due to kids sports. and at 2 this afternoon, she lays this on me. I said she could go, but count me out. The band is mediocre at best, and bad Christian music by a mediocre band is not my idea of fun.

 

So here is the problem..when the kids...13 (boy), 11(girl), and 8(boy) found out that dad didn't want to go, the boys didn't want to go either. I could see the disappointment in her face and hear it in her voice. So she left to do some errands, and myself feeling guilty texted her and said I would go( I would rather get my teeth drilled than go to this, but I realize that sacrifice is part of marriage, so I shall go without complaining). Now she texts me back and says "yay, but don't feel like you have to". I'm a big boy and know better, so I am not biting on that one, .....but what I want to know is

 

Is it too late and am I already in the doghouse, or does she owe me for sucking it up?

 

"Owe" seems like a weird word on this one. At this point, it's kind of a bummer -- she knows you don't want to go, she's gotten friction from the kids, and it's never going to be as good as it would've been if you'd just gone without complaining. At the same time, you've amended what made her upset, so it'd be a bit extreme to "put you in the doghouse," geenerally. It's nice that you're going to make her happy, but now she also has to feel guilty about it because you've expressed your displeasure.

 

It is too late to do the best thing, but you're still doing a good thing.

[xxoo]

Tell her you know you don't have to go, but you are going because it makes you happy to make her happy. And mean it.

 

Why would she owe you? Doesn't she "suck it up" happily for you and the kids a lot, too?

 

In our family, we are honest with the kids about how each of us needs to "suck it up" once in a while--for the group, or for one family member. IMO, it sets a good example for the kids to know it isn't your first choice to go, but you are going happily for mom, and you expect them to do the same. Do you think she "owes" your kids for going, too?

[Enema]

Yeah, I reckon you scored some brownie points there.

[carhill]

Who cares about the doghouse? She and daughter can go and you and the boys can do something you like.

 

Of course it's a foregone conclusion that you're going to go. Funny, my exW never minded saying no and doing exactly what she wanted and, even more funnily, I respected that. Too bad it isn't a two-way street. Good luck

[goingstrong]

Well the event is over and the boys and I survived. Thanks for all the great perspectives from both men and women. It is interesting how everyone's opinion varies....

 

Zengirl..I agree with your perspective as it probably aligns the most with the dearest wife.

 

XXOO...

IMO, it sets a good example for the kids to know it isn't your first choice to go, but you are going happily for mom, and you expect them to do the same

that is exactly what I did.

 

Enema...Brownie points? Really? Was that an intentionally pun? Either way it had me LMAO

 

Carhill...Of course I could have taken the boys and done our own thing, but that is exactly the reason why we have not been doing church as a family. Life is about give and take, and if one takes too much in a marriage, then they will be posting in the divorce forum before long.

[carhill]

My perspective comes from a husband who gave in too much and will never, ever make that mistake again. Late notices, doghouses, expectations all trigger firm boundaries in me now. I do what I want. Compromise is a great thing, if mutual. The tone of your OP did not indicate such a dynamic, to me. If you were used to healthy give and take, such a thread would not have been started. The event would have been a non-issue. That's my take. Good luck, in the future

[goingstrong]

If you were used to healthy give and take, such a thread would not have been started. The event would have been a non-issue. That's my take.)

 

Overall, it is a very healthy give and take...I was just annoyed at her request and even more so about how I responded to it ex post facto.

 

I figured that I have never started a thread on LS yet...I just drive by post of most of them, and I thought I would throw myself under the bus for once. And yes, this is as much drama as the dearest wife and I have.