am i just settling for?

[harley]

i have been with this guy now for 2 1/2 years. for the most part he is pretty sweet. he is affectionate, loveable, respected by his peers, professional, personable, kind, generous and an all around good guy. but..............

 

he has some double standards, i don't think that that is fair, he is bossy, easily irritable, impatient, obnoxious and at times just not there. he don't drink hardly at all. his business is going good, he is a loan officer and the times that he is the sweetest person on earth is just before he gets a commission check, then after that he is like a jekyl and hyde. i look forward to the times that he is affectionate and sweet and dread the other times. if only he could be that way all the times. am i being unrealistic to expect that from him or anyone? it seems i always have one foot out the door,i think i have always been that way, ya know looking for a way out if it doesnt work, but i mentioned something to him last night about a few days ago that i was going to leave him cause of his attitude, and he was totally shocked that i thought that and just shook his head, something else that he always does and that makes me feel like an imbacile. i don't think i am looking for a way out to end it, maybe but i dont think so, it's just if things get bad i want out, when they are good, i don't want out. is that right? how do i tell if i am just settling for his tidbits of affection? he is mostly affectionate and sweet in the evenings but during the day he is a bear. any advise?

[Barbie]

i have been with this guy now for 2 1/2 years. for the most part he is pretty sweet. he is affectionate, loveable, respected by his peers, professional, personable, kind, generous and an all around good guy. but.............. he has some double standards, i don't think that that is fair, he is bossy, easily irritable, impatient, obnoxious and at times just not there. he don't drink hardly at all. his business is going good, he is a loan officer and the times that he is the sweetest person on earth is just before he gets a commission check, then after that he is like a jekyl and hyde. i look forward to the times that he is affectionate and sweet and dread the other times. if only he could be that way all the times. am i being unrealistic to expect that from him or anyone? it seems i always have one foot out the door,i think i have always been that way, ya know looking for a way out if it doesnt work, but i mentioned something to him last night about a few days ago that i was going to leave him cause of his attitude, and he was totally shocked that i thought that and just shook his head, something else that he always does and that makes me feel like an imbacile. i don't think i am looking for a way out to end it, maybe but i dont think so, it's just if things get bad i want out, when they are good, i don't want out. is that right? how do i tell if i am just settling for his tidbits of affection? he is mostly affectionate and sweet in the evenings but during the day he is a bear. any advise?

You can't base a relationship on sometimes. What I think you need to do is sit down a talk to this guy about how you feel. Don't use threats because that will make him defensive, but tell him how you feel and that you need things to change. If that doesn't work then take a break from the relationship and maybe he'll get a taste of life without you and realize the error of his ways.

[harley]

thank you barbie, unfortunately i have tried to tell him how i feel, he thinks i exagerate things. but heck it cant hurt to try again, right. thanks.

You can't base a relationship on sometimes. What I think you need to do is sit down a talk to this guy about how you feel. Don't use threats because that will make him defensive, but tell him how you feel and that you need things to change. If that doesn't work then take a break from the relationship and maybe he'll get a taste of life without you and realize the error of his ways.

 

[Aria]

You definitely need to talk about this. If there wasn't a problem in the relationship, you wouldn't have come here, it wouldn't be bothering you. You're going to have to decide if you can put up with the "double standards" to have the affection, etc. Since you've been together a long time, I assume you will be able to discuss this without causing a huge argument. That's really all you can do, and then you have to decide if his reaction and future behavior is what you wanted and if you can deal with it.

i have been with this guy now for 2 1/2 years. for the most part he is pretty sweet. he is affectionate, loveable, respected by his peers, professional, personable, kind, generous and an all around good guy. but.............. he has some double standards, i don't think that that is fair, he is bossy, easily irritable, impatient, obnoxious and at times just not there. he don't drink hardly at all. his business is going good, he is a loan officer and the times that he is the sweetest person on earth is just before he gets a commission check, then after that he is like a jekyl and hyde. i look forward to the times that he is affectionate and sweet and dread the other times. if only he could be that way all the times. am i being unrealistic to expect that from him or anyone? it seems i always have one foot out the door,i think i have always been that way, ya know looking for a way out if it doesnt work, but i mentioned something to him last night about a few days ago that i was going to leave him cause of his attitude, and he was totally shocked that i thought that and just shook his head, something else that he always does and that makes me feel like an imbacile. i don't think i am looking for a way out to end it, maybe but i dont think so, it's just if things get bad i want out, when they are good, i don't want out. is that right? how do i tell if i am just settling for his tidbits of affection? he is mostly affectionate and sweet in the evenings but during the day he is a bear. any advise?

[Tony T]

You will have to judge. He's not going to change anytime real soon. So if you can spend the next fifteen to twenty five years of your life going through these ups and downs, hang in there. A lot of people who were raised under those conditions really don't mind living like that.

 

Another thing you can do is just avoid him during the day. Give him a pin and tell him to wear it when he's in a good mood. When the pin is off, stay away from him. Put some humor into this. If you make him see just how stupid his behavior is and get him laughing at it, maybe he will change gradually.

 

Isn't love wonderful!!!

[Amber]

To be blunt... Who are you kidding exactly? You sound to me like you are trying to convince yourself and everyone else that you don't want out. It sounds like you are just looking for someone to tell you that you need out. I have been in this situation before, and believe me, if you feel like you "have one foot out the door" now, how will you feel 10 or 20 years from now. People have bad days, and people are entitled to be "moody" occasionally. But, when someone you are close to is in a bad mood, you should be the one to get his mood back in the positive rather than making it more negative. You honestly don't seem happy to me (maybe I am wrong) and I just wonder... don't you think you deserve to be happy? Good Luck

[Tony T]

These are no questions others can answer for you. Only you can decide if you are getting sufficient amounts of your needs met in this relationship.

 

Everybody is unique. There are many men who have even dispositions and are sweet all the time. Their ladies complain that they are not assertive enough or boring. There are men who are at work all the time and their ladies complain that they don't see each other enough. There are man who are home a good part of the time and their mates complain that they need space and wish their men would go away for a while or stay at work longer.

 

There are women who never get flowers and candy from their men and complain that they are being taken for granted. There are men who shower their ladies with flowers, candy, gifts and affection all the time and their wives complain that these men are too nice and boring.

 

The moral of all this is that relationships have to be fine tuned. The only way this can happen is if both parties totally cooperate in the effort. If that doesn't work, then each has to decide whether it's worth it to stick around.

 

I personally am pretty quick to leave aggravating or unfulffing situations. Early on in my life, I stuck around too long in uncomfortable relationships and truly regret doing that. But younger people need time to learn that things usually don't change and often get worse. I guess that's just part of our growing process.

 

Now you have all the information you need to make your own decision. Remember, ONLY YOU can make yourself happy. There are military people who made themselves happy in prison camps because they had no other choice. However, you do have some choices. Ponder the question.

 

For some reason this seems like a question I already gave advice on but it may have been removed. Let's see if this sticks...or maybe something is wrong with my browser. Sorry if this is a second response.

[Dragonflys]

Yeah heard this story before.

 

My ex girlfreind was a Mrs Jekyll and Hyde with the best of them.

 

I counted 6 personalities she had

 

(1) Very excitable but non emotional

 

(2) Emotional and genuine

 

(3) Buddy next door

 

(4) Mean

 

(5) Ignorant

 

(6) Childish

 

Each of these personalities came across so strongly that I was always in the same mood as her. She could switch em at the drop of a hat. She was different during the working week to weekends, different when others were around, different when she was feeling lonely..then the good one (2) came out just for me.

 

But all in all it came down to the fact that she wanted more than I was able to give to be romantically happy.

 

Its a roller coaster I wouldn't recommend you ride too long.

[Lucille]

As long as we are swapping horror stories...

 

My ex was a moody b***d the same as your bf. As I am very sensitive I would soak up the atmosphere and I felt as though I was ageing a year for every day. If you are spending your life and energy side stepping around someone else's moods constantly you are NOT happy and NOT enjoying yourself. A relationship should add to your quality of life, not give you extra work. And the other person is selfish for not considering the impact their moods have on you. I finally felt as though I was going around the twist because one day it was "you are the love of my life" the next day he would be telling me where to go, or giving me an inventory of my faults. I kept waiting for things to improve but one day I realised I could be doing this for the rest of my life, and was that I had in mind for myself? No thank you. So you have to ask yourself, "if things stayed exactly the same way as they are now, would I want this for the rest of my life?"

[Smiley]

You have really written down all that I had in my head about my current relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for about 1 1/2 years and he too is moody as hell. One minute he'll be as sweet as anyone could be and the next he'll be walking out of the room in a huff, leaving me to try to decifer what just happened. My boyfriend too has some shocking double standards, and now I'm beginning to think that I have been a bit of a goose to hang around for as long as I have. I mean I wouldn't put up with any of his s**t from anyone else so I don't know why I make so many allowances for him!

 

I too look forward to the times when he will be his sweet self and dread the other times, wishing that he would be that way all the time. I really think it is time for me, and perhaps you too, to move on. The only thing is it is truly difficult. Like a previous response suggested you do, I initiated a break between us to see if perhaps that would help, as obviously having been with him for 1 1/2 years I care a lot for him (and you obviously care for your boyfriend too), so I didn't want to just break up and regret it later. So I thought I would take some time out to sort out my feelings.

 

I know exactly what you mean about always having one foot out of the door and wanting to end it when things are bad, but then immediately forgetting all the bad when things are good and not wanting to end it. It's amazing actually as you seem to feel just as I do. And not that it is good, but it's comforting to hear that I am not the only one in this predicament!

 

I too have tried to talk to him about the way I feel and more so I suppose the way he makes me feel, but to no avail. It's like he doesn't even recognise that he does do any of the things that I mention to him. Whereas if he ever shares a problem with me (about me) I listen and try my hardest to amend it. I just feel like I deserve the same treatment.

 

I don't know if you too feel like this, but his moods affect me in the most awful way, because even if when I first see him and I'm in the best mood ever, if he is in a bad mood, suddenly he drags me down too. I hate that! It makes me question my entity as an individual person. After all my emotions are just that, mine, and shouldn't be affected by others moods.

 

But if you do suggest that you two have a break, trust me when I say that even though you get sick and tired all his crap, you'll miss him. I miss my boyfriend a lot at the moment but feel I have to do what is best for me, not necessarily put our relationship first at the moment. For, also at the moment, I am trying to test myself, to see if I really want to be with him any more of whether I am just 'comfortable' with him.

 

See, I sit back sometimes and think, why am literally pretty much happy constantly without him, but when he is around suddenly my mood often darkens!?! My friends make me happy, my family makes me happy, geez even my pets make me happy.....so what am I doing with someone who makes me unhappy!?!

 

I hope it makes you feel a bit better (as your response made me feel a bit better) to know that someone else knows exactly where you're coming from and can honestly sympathize with you. I just think that maybe it is time for me (and maybe you???) to move on. I just think that there must be someone out there for me, someone who will treat me the way I want to be treated and I can treat them how they want to be treated too.

 

But don't let me cloud your judgement, as after all I agree with what Tony said when he said that everyone likes different things in their relationships and therefore my needs (my relationship too) could be totally different to yours. But all I can say if good luck and remember these sayings:

 

We run to....what we run from

 

As much as I love you and forever will, I know I could never give you what brings you happiness

 

Don't hold someone in your arms that you can't hold in your heart