men or woman I need a little advice on relationships....

[dlb311]

Okay this is a question for men, but I am sure woman can put there input.

 

*I have anxiety really bad and I have depression. So sometimes I over react to things.

 

My boyfriend of 2 and half years now is wonderful to me. We broke up for four months. He was planning on moving in with me and it freaked us out and we broke up. But we got back together and things are wonderful.. but since the scare, my boyfriend has changed. he is more in to hanging with the boys and just have time. I can totally understand that. I just want to be able to trust him. Which I have been doing a good job with. But I have abandonment issues too. So when he needs his time after showing me so much attention I kind of feel like he is changing his mind on me.

 

I guess I just need someone to tell me that his behavior is natural.

 

So about 2 or 3 weeks ago he moved in to a new house he bought. He has been very preoccupied.. But when I am with him he loves me I know it I feel it because he shows it. Now his roommate a real good friend of his and I adore too.. Thinks he is to young to be in a relationship. But we love each other and we agreed to take things slow this time. Before we were talking about marriage and living together. And now we just stay away when he is ready he will surprise me..

Anyway so things have been great.. but last night he didn't ask me to stay the night with him and I wont see him for a whole week because he is working in Ventura which is very far from us... So he will be out there all week. And I was surprised he didn't want me to stay he always wants me to stay... Then he kissed me good bye and said have a good day tomorrow sleep well and I'll talk to you... not later or tomorrow.....nothing.

Then I called him this moring and he hasn't called back its been 3 hours. I know he is at work but still....

 

I was talking to a friend of his this weekend and he was saying how happy and great it was that he and I got back together... And how happy my boyfriend is now. But our relationship before was he and I... and he never wanted to spend time with friends and now I never get a moment with just him unless its in the bedroom....except this weekend we we to san diego to pick something up and he went with me last night to have dinner at my aunts house.

 

I hate to think I would lose him again.. But I am probably just over reacting he just likes his space and time now.. its just hard for me because one week he will be all about me and the next its like Iam very casual to him. ?

 

any thoughts or advice I would greatly appriciate it!

 

Thanks

[Fedup&givingup]

This is a hard one. It sounds like a yo-yo. Personally, I would be wondering, "What the hell, over?" too. The only thing I can think of what to suggest would be to tell him just what you posted. Those are valid concerns and feelings that you have. If he truly cares about you, he will open up and tell you when/why he needs his space, etc.

 

I can understand your insecurities about the influence of what his friend(s) might be telling him, BUT I believe even more firmly that people are going to do what they are going to do regardless. If someone suggests something to him and he acts on it, then he has already thought it himself-that person just sort of validated it for them.

 

Maybe you can call him when he gets to Ventura and tell him that you really need to have a talk with him when he gets back...I'll bet all the men are thinking, "DON'T do that! That will drive him nuts the whole time he's there!" LOL That's true, actually...that might make him sit on pins and needles the whole week. At any rate, you definitely need to get your feelings, concerns, and points across to him as soon as the time permits (and I do not recommend doing it on the phone).

[dlb311]

he finally called me back but I didn't answer and then he texted me this morning saying good morning beautiful I called him like 20 minutes later but he was busy so he said he would call me back he did... it chated for awhile but nothing to intense he asked me to go to his cousins wedding in a couple of weeks. that is good. I know he is happy with me and things are good. I just don't understand why the whole future things scares him so much. Plus since we broke up and he had time to spend more time with friends... he likes it which in the long run was very good for us because I think relationship work out when you have separate parts to your life... I guess I am just scared but you know what the partying will wear off sooner of later where its not an everyday thing. He just bought a house so all the buddies are coming over to see it.

I feel like I have no time with just he and I. But I guess I just have to let him be and if we are going to be then we will.. I think I am insecure and its hard for me at times and more now that he has left once. I feel like don't tell him things like my depression anymore because it was pretty bad when we broke up and I think it makes him stress out. And so I don't want him to stress so I deal with it on my own I call my friends and family to talk about it not him. But I wish I could talk to him about it. I should just talk to him about.. but he is working all week. So I guess if I am still thinking about it I will talk to him.

[Fedup&givingup]

You need to take this one nice and slowly. From everything I've read thus far, you have legitimate reasons to feel insecure. You have nothing to be ashamed of for feeling this way.

 

Continue to "play it cool" while he's gone, but definitely have a heart to heart with him when he gets back.

 

It is too early for me to detect whether you should trust him or not, and I don't know all the details of the relationship. I will say that I think it is a bit sad that you feel the need to refrain sharing your feelings of your depression with him. That's part of who you are, and I am VERY glad for you that you have people to turn to with it. Unfortunately, I do think that he should part of your support system.

 

As time pans out with this relationship, you will continue to grow, and hopefully figure out what you want out of it vs. what you aren't getting out of it. Keep that communication line VERY open with him. Time apart and space from each other is perfectly natural and healthy, but if the level of understanding with each other isn't there, then there is suffering.

 

I will continue to listen and give the best objective opinion(s) I can!!!!! I am rooting for you.

[Dixiecron]

A couple of things:

 

Call him now!!!

 

0. You guys are in a touchy phase right now, so be as open as you possibly can. It sounds like you're both waiting for the other shoe to drop. Don't leave him hanging for a week to stew in his own juices, he might decide to bail.

 

1. If you guys are back together, DO NOT play phone games with him. This will push him away and make him want to spend -more- time with his friends. Is this what you want? Answer his calls immediately unless you really are busy and tell him that he can do the same for you. Its OK. It is part of rebuilding intimacy outside of the bedroom.

 

2. Tell him about the things you worrry about. Ask him what he worries about. Get him to open up. If you guys are just getting back together, you need to talk talk talk and then talk some more. Each of you should have a good understanding of the other's concerns and be able to agree on some actions that each of you can do to put those concerns/fears to rest.

[dlb311]

thanks for your advice...

he called again last night we talked for 45 minutes. He was being sweet and loving. I think its just hard for me because when we were together before for the 2 years we had open plans of forever together and now sinces its a topic we don't talk about I feel like I am not safe.

I went to therapy last night and we talked about how my mom left me and my dad and how my step mothers was there but more a business arangement. I helped take care of her kids and she helped take care of me. But it was never on an emotional level. So when I find love I hold on to hit so hard. The the minute things get comfortable and we are just living I feel like its dummed because its not all sweet future plans and talking like that. If that makes sence.

He seems to be happy everytime I talk to him...and see him very very much...I just hate that when he works with that girl he seems to be to occupied to call me. He is working with her today so let see if he calls.

*and I am not trying to play games I just don't think I should be there every time he calls if he is going to take 11 hours to call me back at times. (you know?)

I feel like I just want to ask him if he feels comfortable talking about what really going on each others lives because there are some things I have not been talking about because I am afraid I guess. I want to tell him that I have discovered why I am scared of love and how I have a good friend that I talk to alot who is a guy....that really helps me in all aspects of my life. I first met him and we kind of dated if you want to call it that we never kissed or anything but we were tight we would talk everyday. But then he showed me he had some major issues he was scared of a relationship and tried to find the bad things in me to not like me anymore. I got fed up with him trying to point out flaws and said I can't talk to you anymore. Eventually I got back with my ex and he and I talk on the interent almost everyday and he really helps alot. I would consider him a good friend of mine even if I don't see him. He asks me to come out and see him but I don't think that would be cool since we did kinda of date and my boyfriend might not appricate it and I made a vow to myself a long time ago I wont do to someone that I don't want done to me.

Thanks again... I will let you know how things go.

[Fedup&givingup]

Db,

 

I read your other post under someone else's post. This is the same relationship that works with someone else that was text messaging him, etc., the one that flirts with your boyfriend and fails to call you when he's working with her. The same guy that gave someone his address so she could send him a card, etc. THESE things do NOT sound good.

 

He sounds like a player. I hate to say this, but it looks like he's playing the field while he's stringing you along. He's got you in case something better doesn't come along.

 

I can see why you've got some abandonment issues and why you clutch onto someone and embrace it with all you've got.

 

I am telling you that things don't look good with this guy. He might sweet talk you and all that, and it feels good...for about 5-10 minutes, but then all the doubt sets in because of his ACTIONS.

 

Glad to hear you are in therapy. WHAT in the world does the therapist say about your relationship? My guess is that the therapist is working with you about your issues, and a therapist would not come right out and tell you to get out of something yourself, they let you come to your own conclusions.

 

As an avid listener, I am suggesting that your discontent with this relationship comes from the very obvious fact that since you have reunited with your boyfriend he is not into Y-O-U 100%. I realize how painful that is, but you are allowing yourself to be cheated by this man. You do NOT deserve this, and it's up to you whether or not you will allow it.

[hopeless]

Watch out for your depression. It distorts reality. I have bipolar disorder. We are very hard to be with, it takes lots of self monitoring. Depression is the dream killer and sounds like you got it. We are here for you. Let it slide. Dont over react. Say to yourself "its my depression causing these thoughts, not me". Thats what I learned to do and still I sometimes act like a goof. Hope this helps.

[dlb311]

you got it right on the money! thanks so much...

I know my insecurities are playing a big part The good thing is I am not calling him yelling or being irrational to him. I call my family or friends and let them put me into check....

 

I calmed down yesterday and today I feel so much better about it. Even if this girl does like him and he enjoys it I know he loves me.

I can trust that.. I really can. I was out with some friends last night and one of the went on a date with my boyfriends friend. And he told her that when he and I broke up he came to him and said how it was hurting so bad and wasn't happy without me and didn't know what to do.

The truth is I think he really needed to figure it out for himself and he did. I know he is young and people are going to tell him not to rush in.. And its true you shouldn't but that doesn't mean and can't build a meaningful relationship. And my depression and axiety blocks me from seeing that at times. I look for the bad and expert the worse from it. My head dreams up senarios of what they could be doing and it upsets me even more.

 

But you are thank you so much sometimes you need that kick to you, "You are over reacting"

 

DLB