I told his wife last night...

[BB07]

Oh most definately...In my measly 23 years this is the biggest mistake i've ever made. It wont be happening again. I am fully aware that I WILL be judged, Im prepared for it. hell I know if it was my friend id be just as mad.

 

Ive had a rough year, my oldest and most precious brother was killed in march in a car accident, Thats when i kind of crumbled and went back to my MM...Ive spent the majority of this year probably in tears, and on saturday night I think something in me just snapped, and every emotion and horrible feelings id had all year just came flooding out.

 

I'm sorry for your loss........that has to be a truly terrible thing to go through, I'm so sorry.

 

I know you want to contact him, but please don't. You need to let them be and sort it out without interference from you. Yes I get that part of you still feels loyalty to him and you feel bad about what you did, but it's misplaced loyalty. Let's say for a minute that you did talk to him.......it's highly likely he would do one of two things. 1. Make you feel worse by throwing you under the bus some more. 2. Or try to suck you back into the very thing that made you crack to start with. Neither one is good, so please don't do it. I get the why.........and I get how badly you want to, believe me I really do, (BTDT) but fight that urge. Nothing good can come of it.

[bentnotbroken]

Yeah I considered counselling.....partly because of my brother, but ive always been a bit weird about going for therapy over an affair....Oh I need counselling because ive been having it away with somebodys husband (sorry for the bluntness) I duno...Its always made me feel a bit weird?? even tho i know i do need help for that. Its not like ive had good relationships, ive had a long line of bad ones to be honest.

 

 

All the more need for someone to help you see that you can move in a different direction. If aren't the lead dog...the sceneria never changes. Take the lead in your life. Take control by figuring out what it is that keeps you looking for the same old, same old.

[spice4life]

Oh most definately...In my measly 23 years this is the biggest mistake i've ever made. It wont be happening again. I am fully aware that I WILL be judged, Im prepared for it. hell I know if it was my friend id be just as mad.

 

Ive had a rough year, my oldest and most precious brother was killed in march in a car accident, Thats when i kind of crumbled and went back to my MM...Ive spent the majority of this year probably in tears, and on saturday night I think something in me just snapped, and every emotion and horrible feelings id had all year just came flooding out.

 

I am so sorry to hear about your brother. Didn't see this post before I posted mine. You were vulnerable and it's completely understandable. Take care of yourself and follow BB07's advice, it will help keep you strong. Keep posting.

[bentnotbroken]

All the more need for someone to help you see that you can move in a different direction. If aren't the lead dog...the sceneria never changes. Take the lead in your life. Take control by figuring out what it is that keeps you looking for the same old, same old.

 

 

:oSorry that should have read...If you aren't the lead dog...the scenery never changes.

[carrie999]

Even if it came from a meltdown, your actions showed significant strength. Harness that moment of "weakness" that drove you to expose this affair, and stick with it, because in that moment you found strength you didn't realize you had.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing one of my siblings, and I have no idea how I would react. What is amazing about you is that you realize how vulnerable this made you feel, and how much you looked for support and love from someone who wasn't really capable of giving it to you. Just remember that what you two had wasn't a real relationship, and he only hurt you. You took the first step towards correcting that. Don't look back.

 

Clearly he is incapable of being there for you or anyone else, until (or unless) he can figure out what he really wants. Don't entertain any ideals of that happening. More importantly, don't worry about how he is doing. As everyone else here pointed out, you freed yourself from him, and you freed his wife to figure out her marriage with him.

[xxSRMxx]

Thank you everyone....

 

Right now when the people in my workplace who dont know a single thing about how I feel, are attacking me for it, It really means alot when u all post these messages of encouragement....

My best friend was in Ireland over the weekend and shes just got back, she called me straight away and ive told her, shes made me laugh...

Been talking to alot of friends and getting support on here, Ive decided im going to say to people at work that i dont want to hear about my MM and BS. I do have a feeling though that things will get nasty. I will keep posting! Thank u again all xx

[xxSRMxx]

also, I think the reason why I am so aware of the fact that (and i am not blaming this all on my loss) but i really did become vulnerable when i lost my brother, because before he died i was very very adament that my MM had took his vows and needed to leave me alone..

 

Then i went through my loss and just wanted him again i guess, I didnt tell his wife this, just told her id had a rough year and her husband was ''there''

It wasnt all about sex, we spoke everyday from the time we woke up to time we went to sleep...so he became like a really good friend too. But i understand that I need to stop making him out to be a saint, because he clearly isnt.

[carrie999]

also, I think the reason why I am so aware of the fact that (and i am not blaming this all on my loss) but i really did become vulnerable when i lost my brother, because before he died i was very very adament that my MM had took his vows and needed to leave me alone..

 

Then i went through my loss and just wanted him again i guess, I didnt tell his wife this, just told her id had a rough year and her husband was ''there''

It wasnt all about sex, we spoke everyday from the time we woke up to time we went to sleep...so he became like a really good friend too. But i understand that I need to stop making him out to be a saint, because he clearly isnt.

 

He certainly is not a saint. You are a good person for being honest, and completely forthright with her while sparing her feelings to whatever extent you could.

 

If you're up tonight, which I suspect you will be, go outside and watch the lunar eclipse. It's a pretty rare event, and though it's hardly started, it's really quite beautiful. I'm not a very religious person, but when the s*** hits the fan in my life, it often helps to (even if momentarily) focus on something that is so much bigger than me. Perhaps even look at the timing of such an amazing event as something marking a transition in your life...maybe overly philosophical, but worth the thought...

[Fieldsofgold]

He certainly is not a saint. You are a good person for being honest, and completely forthright with her while sparing her feelings to whatever extent you could.

 

If you're up tonight, which I suspect you will be, go outside and watch the lunar eclipse. It's a pretty rare event, and though it's hardly started, it's really quite beautiful. I'm not a very religious person, but when the s*** hits the fan in my life, it often helps to (even if momentarily) focus on something that is so much bigger than me. Perhaps even look at the timing of such an amazing event as something marking a transition in your life...maybe overly philosophical, but worth the thought...

 

The bolded, I like that . . . a lot.

 

(Just been watching it here, btw. Awesome.)

[pureinheart]

I did it, I cannot believe I did it..... Just to quickly fill you in on my story I have been seeing my MM for a year, its been the most soul destroying thing ive been through if im honest! I felt like the only way I could free myself from him was through this, we didnt have an argument. I just had enough.

 

Last night i went to a party with some friends, round the corner from there house, I got really drunk and we got onto the subject of him, I had the usual ''oh hes just getting his cake and eating it, he shouldnt get away it etc'' silly old me agrees and decides to take a trip to the house and start shouting my mouth off outside like some kind of emotional loon! God knows what it mustve looked like, I seen the curtain twitch and someone come to the window, i think it was him. I was totally bang out of order for it telling her like that but alcohol! as i walked off i seen the bedroom light go on.

 

I went home and went to bed, opened my eyes this morning and prayed it was a bad dream! I woke upto an inbox off her on my facebook saying

 

''You came round to my house last night, did u wanna tell me details, go ahead''

 

were not friends, ive never met her, so he must of told her my name for her to find me on facebook. Weve sent about 50 messages between each other today, I was totally honest with her, she just asked me lots of questions, no abuse really. which makes me feel worse if im honest.

 

Hes also lied (was expected) and said i did all the chasing and that i wouldnt leave him alone and that he hadnt seen me for a month! even though i seen him wednesday! The pathetic thing is, he always said to me if it come out hed hold is hands up and admit it was his fault, he hasnt though! I know that now he hates me and will never be in touch with me again so hes finally out my life i guess. But if im honest, I do kind of regret telling her, but whats done is done. She asked me if i loved him, I said i did, she said she is asking me all these questions so she can decide what to do next, I have been honest with her, her last message just said ''thanks''.

 

I want to stress that i DID NOT do this because i wanted to be with him...I know that would never happen! I dont know wat i feel, I feel hollow, I cant even cry. I hope they work things out as stupid as it sounds.

 

Hi SRM,

 

I don't hink you did this out of spite or wanting him...you were buzzed and I have done some interesting things myself buzzed...a bottle of courage, right!

 

I haven't read your thread, although it sounds like his W is balanced and not out of control, that is definitely a plus.

 

Well, what's up with you, how are you handling everything so far? Are you ok?

[xxSRMxx]

Hi SRM,

 

I don't hink you did this out of spite or wanting him...you were buzzed and I have done some interesting things myself buzzed...a bottle of courage, right!

 

I haven't read your thread, although it sounds like his W is balanced and not out of control, that is definitely a plus.

 

Well, what's up with you, how are you handling everything so far? Are you ok?

 

I am suprisingly not too bad....I spoke my manager who is also a good friend, she has signed me off work for two weeks, this is mainly with christmas coming up (the first one without my bro) I need to spend time with my family, im gonna spend some time in the gym, time with my friends, get some sleep and maybe look into counselling??

 

A number from a foreign country tried to ring me last night, I dont know who it was, I know hes disappeared off somewhere, but i just cant imagine him getting in contact with me.... the wife hasn't been in touch either, she is balanced which im glad about...I was expecting knocks on my door etc.

 

I dont think its the end though, he will get his own back on me somehow!

[Mimolicious]

she should have known that from the start since he was cheating on his wife with her.

 

a MM is only a pathetic excuse of a man later on when things don't go someone's way.

 

 

Prior to it, he's "Charming", "Loving", "My soulmate" and the "love of my life" most amazing man on the planet.

 

Riiight...

[phillyfan]

So he took advantage of u afta u lost your brother? The one time in ur life he knows u need genuin love n lookin after the most, but exploits it so he can get u back, to have his fun wit u? That sick F**k. He is trash. U just lost ur bro, sorry that must tough on u, but u r a fighter. This fall out at work wont last foreva, hold ur head up. Ppl do crazy sh*t when they r grievin, u r not alone, u hav had one tough yr, 2011 is about to hit us, I promise u keep focused, rememba how much ur bro loved u, how hed be proud of u for doin the right thing like u did with that azzhole. Spend xmas thinkin about ur bro and ur family, and forget about this ex MM of urs, u closed that door, its over, move on and up. U go girl :D

[Spark1111]

Sorry for your pain, but I certainly applaud your courage!

 

I think you wanted to end it. Alcohol is a depressive disinhibitor.

 

Remember, In Vino Veritas! (In wine is TRUTH.)

 

And maybe, through all the backlash at work and amongst her friends, you can hold onto this one crucial fact:

 

You wanted to end it. The alcohol was the catalyst for what had already been bourgeoning in you conscience.

 

Be proud of yourself.

 

Also, what kind of man has an affair the very first year of marriage?

 

A very, very immature and self-entitled one. Good riddance.

[xxSRMxx]

Thanks.....

Ive always been pretty gutsy, funny, I was drinking wine that night! My big boss at work has known my ex MM for about 8 years, even calls him the son hes never had...My boss knew all about it and said that he was always too young to be getting married and that he knew something like this was going to happen.... I saw him yesterday and he gave me a massive hug and said dont u worry, U dont need him. With everybodys comments, and people at work supporting me I really do feel like I can take this on, I have weak moments where i reaaaalllyyy want to contact him....I even wanted to apologise once!

 

and your so right, a newlywed having an affair? I mean what is the deal with that? Can somebody shed light on this? You always assume the men that have affairs are the ones whos wives arent giving them sex anymore and are more interested in the children....his BS kept asking me if he'd said he was unhappy with her, he never said that! so was it a case of having his cake and eating it???

[wheream_i]

I was just thinking to myself, "God, I would hate to be that guy." But then I remembered... Oh wait, I have.

[Spark1111]

Thanks.....

Ive always been pretty gutsy, funny, I was drinking wine that night! My big boss at work has known my ex MM for about 8 years, even calls him the son hes never had...My boss knew all about it and said that he was always too young to be getting married and that he knew something like this was going to happen.... I saw him yesterday and he gave me a massive hug and said dont u worry, U dont need him. With everybodys comments, and people at work supporting me I really do feel like I can take this on, I have weak moments where i reaaaalllyyy want to contact him....I even wanted to apologise once!

 

and your so right, a newlywed having an affair? I mean what is the deal with that? Can somebody shed light on this? You always assume the men that have affairs are the ones whos wives arent giving them sex anymore and are more interested in the children....his BS kept asking me if he'd said he was unhappy with her, he never said that! so was it a case of having his cake and eating it???

 

Certainly could have been!

 

And you know what? With a guy like this, there certainly could have been others....

 

Think on this! Not meant to hurt you, BUT this IS unusual behavior for a newlywed!

 

You handled his wife beautifully and she was gracious to you! It is a possibility, once she knew of you she went into hyperdrive. Perhaps she discovered other things.......

[2sure]

My ex H began cheating on me just prior to our wedding. And he was the one who really pushed for getting married. The cheating continued and after 4 years we divorced. He adored me. We were happily married. He is a serial cheater and neither I or the marriage had anything to do with or any way to solve his problem. He has an empty hole that cannot be filled.

So newly weds do cheat.

 

Dont bother yourself with the way you told his wife. Its good for her , as a human being making life decisions that she have the facts. Its good for the MM to be dealing with reality straight up for a change too.

 

But most importantly - telling and even the way you told - is a wonderful thing for YOU.

 

He was bad for you, and even though you care for him you know this.

Sometimes to save ourselves from making bad decisions or continuing on the wrong path - we gotta burn the bridge.

 

You did. Good job. Dont look back. Hopefully, you burned it to the ground so that even in weak moments - recrossing is not an option for you.

[xxSRMxx]

I was just thinking to myself, "God, I would hate to be that guy." But then I remembered... Oh wait, I have.

 

and what happened in the end??

 

My ex MM used to tell me that he had been faithful for 4 years until our affair just before there wedding. Probably lying!

[Heather1]

I got into my A after a series of deaths too. Not a sibling, but 3 close friends, one being kind of a crush. H, his parents, in & out of hospitals, it was a really hectic time. He kissed me the day before my friend's funeral & a few weeks later, my H was back in the hospital. He used it as an opening, I used it as an escape. Now I need to escape from him!!

 

Here's the thing about that in reverse....this really attractive man at my work has txt'd me a few times & we do group things together & I never do things alone w/ him, EVER. His brother passed away over the summer & I said how sorry I was and STEERED CLEAR!! Knowing he was vulnerable...that's what people who care about you do, not go in for the kill.

[Mimolicious]

"Blame it on the ah ah ah ah alcohol" song comes to mind....

 

Wonder if you would have done the same sober. Why wait till you are drunk? Comes across as a little desperate.

[xxSRMxx]

"Blame it on the ah ah ah ah alcohol" song comes to mind....

 

Wonder if you would have done the same sober. Why wait till you are drunk? Comes across as a little desperate.

 

I WAS desperate! I wouldnt have had as much courage sober no, but this was going to come out regardless eventually! too many people knew about us.

[Mimolicious]

Nuh uh.... hope the drama stopped there.

 

These scenarios hardly have a sweet ending. Been there!

[xxSRMxx]

Not expecting a sweet ending!

[wheream_i]

All hell broke loose. The ex and I were stuck in a lease for a few months after and it was an awful experience. Not that I expected it to be fun & games. She was an emotional roller coaster. She wanted to keep me and work it out, she wanted to kill me. I couldn't take it anymore and just wanted out. Finally one night, it all came to a head and she had me arrested that started as a fight over the remote control. We were three weeks away from moving apart and this happened. This was earlier this year. At this time, we are trying therapy for the third time to see if anything can be salvaged.

 

Good times.

 

and what happened in the end??

 

My ex MM used to tell me that he had been faithful for 4 years until our affair just before there wedding. Probably lying!