I told his wife last night...

[White Flower]

xxSRMxx, I know it's hard. But may I suggest, you have not ruined yourself. You may feel a bit exposed and maybe embarassed. Yet, those feelings as uncomfortable as they are will not cause you any permanent harm.

 

So, just hold your head high, be pleasant, smile. Do your best. You may be pleasantly surprised at support coming from unexpected places, too.

 

Best wishes for your tomorrow(s).

Forgive me for not having read the whole thread yet but I wanted to agree with MC here. You have not ruined yourself.

 

Anything anybody knows about you is simply information. That's all it is, information. You're tall? So what, they know it. You're cute? So what, they know it. You've had an affair once? So what, they know it.

 

This will be a part of your past soon, is now a part of your past, and it will be a faded memory to all once you move on. Let your next bf be someone you're proud to show off and talk about him often. This really works at work (did it myself) and nobody ever brings up MM anymore.

 

You're on your way.

[xxSRMxx]

Thanks white flower, I do kind of get the feeling i am on my way as you say.

 

I am 90% sure she has decided to stay with him, thats fair enough, theyve been married 10 months, she wants to save it, thats fine. Ive heard from neither of them, shes blocked me on facebook which is fair enough, we have a few mutual friends and im very close to them, I think she deleted me because she does not want to see me on status's etc.

Hes completely sold me out, shes under the illusion i chased him and threw myself at him, and ive been chasing him throughout the whole affair (like id chase someone for a year?!)

 

One thing i can say though, when it came down to it and i revealed the affair, I was 100% honest with her, he on the other hand has lied, but i knew he would.

 

I havent been at work for a week, work signed me off for two weeks because i really needed to be with my family over christmas as its the first one without my brother since he died. Its done me good, ive seen friends and made plans for next year. Ive ate alot mind, hitting the gym hard!!

 

I sat and looked through all his texes one night in bed, I thought itd make me cry, but it made me realise just how unhealthy the relationship was for me...I will delete the messages one day, not now though, I like having this evidence that i did not throw myself at this man. After the way hes been, i STILL miss him, but i dont cry anymore, two guys have asked me out on dates, I cant be bothered though, I wanna focus on ME.

Im going to a nye party with all my work friends tommorow, I will hear things about my MM. Some people there are friends with my MM and news travels round my workplace fast. Im gonna make a concious decision to tell people i dont wanna talk about it..

 

talking about my ex MM combined with drinking wine will just end in one thing = TEARS ....

 

Oh and im off to egypt on holiday in 38 days, this makes me smile

[Chasing-Pavement]

Dear xxSRMxx,

 

I think sometimes we need some dramatic moves to push ourselves forward, maybe it wasn't your plan to let his wife know in the first place, but it is meant to be--I mean your "action". It takes you this huge step to move yourself forward.

 

I wish you the best,

 

Chasing-Pavement

[llonia]

i dont wanna do it like you did but like you said its done..i wanna inbox to her fb ..he broke up with me after a yr complete with us having sex and i wont lie im pissed he told all kinds of lies and made it like we would be together and yes im in a bad marriage too..while he just left my side he ran back home and said he wanted to work it out..im trying to figure out how to tell her she had already asked me not to contact her husband anymore because she found phonebook sized records between us..he went so far as to tell me he didnt want my husband touching me and all other forms of stalking me when i wanted to leave him..i dont even want him to tell the truth he wasnt what i expected after a yr of skyping chating and sending pics and stuff ..he threatned to tell all this stuff on me if i said anything to her..but im at the point where i dont even care..i tried to leave him about 25 times over a period of almost a yr and he kept coming back begging and like and idiot i went back but now tht hes crying pleading and saying sorry he wants his marriage he wants me to walk away for good...again i dont want him but i feel the need to tell her wht a jerk he is

[half_ofa_heart]

i tried to leave him about 25 times over a period of almost a yr and he kept coming back begging and like and idiot i went back

 

This part I am all too familiar with. I feel like the weakest woman on the face of the planet. I can't stick to my guns knowing all too well where this will end... same place it always does - me VERY unhappy.

 

Do what you need to do to move on.

 

Good Luck

[xxSRMxx]

Just an update....

 

Ive had 15 days off work, time to spend with my family etc, its done me good, its also been around 22 days of NC.....I dont really have the desire to contact him much. I think its because im very sure his wife as decided to stay with him, I respect that, Ill leave them to sort there marriage out.

 

I know that one of the wifes friends (who works with me!) did not know about what had happened, I work in a restaurant and last year my MM and his wife spent new years there. My work friend called the wife and asked if her and her husband were coming in again etc....

 

The wife responded with ''dont be so stupid, how dare u ring me, me and ****** will not be coming in that place for a very very long time'' and hung up!

 

So obviously somebody told my work friend about what had happened and yno what she did when she saw me today? Put her arm round me and just said u look well i hope your okay. I was seriously expecting a confrontation from her! shes never minced her words! I dont like to speak to soon, But i almost feel like ive got away with it too lightly?? Had too much support, I feel bad!

[desertIslandCactus]

Don't feel bad. You have walked away from the situation.

 

The too much support was probably because they love you.

[White Flower]

Don't feel bad. You have walked away from the situation.

 

The too much support was probably because they love you.

 

They do love you and recognize that you are in pain. No matter what their personal beliefs and experiences are, compassionate people will always support you in painful times.

[Fieldsofgold]

They do love you and recognize that you are in pain. No matter what their personal beliefs and experiences are, compassionate people will always support you in painful times.

 

This is true.

[2themoon&back]

This part I am all too familiar with. I feel like the weakest woman on the face of the planet. I can't stick to my guns knowing all too well where this will end... same place it always does - me VERY unhappy.

 

Do what you need to do to move on.

 

Good Luck

 

half_ofa_heart

 

Oh honey ... you are far far from the weakest woman on the face of the planet........

 

Read more here and you will know what I am saying is the truth!

 

I promise!!! This coming from a weak and foolish woman!

 

and

 

xxSRMxx

 

You are very lucky to have support take all you can get and more, it does not come around a lot to AP's.

 

I did something very similar to what you did and it was like falling on my own sword but I did it and I own it and I hurt for it and I have paid dearly for it and so on and so on .... so take the support even if from an unlikely source and use it to help yourself work through all the emotions you are dealing with.

 

((((Super big hugs))))

 

I know your pain personally ... and I understand it.

[hanging on for now]

I did it, I cannot believe I did it..... Just to quickly fill you in on my story I have been seeing my MM for a year, its been the most soul destroying thing ive been through if im honest! I felt like the only way I could free myself from him was through this, we didnt have an argument. I just had enough.

 

Last night i went to a party with some friends, round the corner from there house, I got really drunk and we got onto the subject of him, I had the usual ''oh hes just getting his cake and eating it, he shouldnt get away it etc'' silly old me agrees and decides to take a trip to the house and start shouting my mouth off outside like some kind of emotional loon! God knows what it mustve looked like, I seen the curtain twitch and someone come to the window, i think it was him. I was totally bang out of order for it telling her like that but alcohol! as i walked off i seen the bedroom light go on.

 

I went home and went to bed, opened my eyes this morning and prayed it was a bad dream! I woke upto an inbox off her on my facebook saying

 

''You came round to my house last night, did u wanna tell me details, go ahead''

 

were not friends, ive never met her, so he must of told her my name for her to find me on facebook. Weve sent about 50 messages between each other today, I was totally honest with her, she just asked me lots of questions, no abuse really. which makes me feel worse if im honest.

 

Hes also lied (was expected) and said i did all the chasing and that i wouldnt leave him alone and that he hadnt seen me for a month! even though i seen him wednesday! The pathetic thing is, he always said to me if it come out hed hold is hands up and admit it was his fault, he hasnt though! I know that now he hates me and will never be in touch with me again so hes finally out my life i guess. But if im honest, I do kind of regret telling her, but whats done is done. She asked me if i loved him, I said i did, she said she is asking me all these questions so she can decide what to do next, I have been honest with her, her last message just said ''thanks''.

 

I want to stress that i DID NOT do this because i wanted to be with him...I know that would never happen! I dont know wat i feel, I feel hollow, I cant even cry. I hope they work things out as stupid as it sounds.

 

 

 

Lets spin this around. My wife was having an affair with a married man. I have debated on telling her to destroy his life, like he has destroyed mine but I have resisted. Not because I have compassion for him. It would be good for humankind for his balls to be ripped out and ground in a blender. No she has the right to know. But I'm too close to all this to tell her. My wife and I are in counselling trying to survive this s*itty mess.

 

I suppose the question is, why did you tell her? Don't blaim the booze. Alchol doesn't change what we want, it just lowers our inhabitions. You probably did it to purge the guilt. But congratulations, it's still there. As it should be. Even if you aren't a religious person, it is immoral to sleep with a married person and society knows this. I stongly recommend two things. Break ties with the looser. He lied to his wife and to you. He cheated on his wife, meaning if you get with him, he will find someone else to plug when he tires of you. And get yourself to a counsellor. You may one day be able to accept forgiveness from the wife but the hardest thing you will find is trying to forgive yourself. If you feel like crap, good. You had no right, he's a prick and now the affair hangover has arrived. Accept responsibility, be an adult and deal with it.

[Goldenspoon]

 

So obviously somebody told my work friend about what had happened and yno what she did when she saw me today? Put her arm round me and just said u look well i hope your okay. I was seriously expecting a confrontation from her! shes never minced her words! I dont like to speak to soon, But i almost feel like ive got away with it too lightly?? Had too much support, I feel bad!

 

She feels bad for you because people have talked trash behind your back.

[xxSRMxx]

Lets spin this around. My wife was having an affair with a married man. I have debated on telling her to destroy his life, like he has destroyed mine but I have resisted. Not because I have compassion for him. It would be good for humankind for his balls to be ripped out and ground in a blender. No she has the right to know. But I'm too close to all this to tell her. My wife and I are in counselling trying to survive this s*itty mess.

 

I suppose the question is, why did you tell her? Don't blaim the booze. Alchol doesn't change what we want, it just lowers our inhabitions. You probably did it to purge the guilt. But congratulations, it's still there. As it should be. Even if you aren't a religious person, it is immoral to sleep with a married person and society knows this. I stongly recommend two things. Break ties with the looser. He lied to his wife and to you. He cheated on his wife, meaning if you get with him, he will find someone else to plug when he tires of you. And get yourself to a counsellor. You may one day be able to accept forgiveness from the wife but the hardest thing you will find is trying to forgive yourself. If you feel like crap, good. You had no right, he's a prick and now the affair hangover has arrived. Accept responsibility, be an adult and deal with it.

 

I havent blamed booze for what I did..It was a contribution but as for blaming it, no. I told her because I knew it would get me out of the situation i was in, as stupid as that sounds! I wasnt strong enough to leave him while I knew he still cared for me and wanted to be ''friends.'' I knew in telling his wife, he would hate me and not contact me, and i could work on myself and build myself up again.. and thats exactly what is happening, my ties are breaking with him and im seeing him for what he really is! I also think im being pretty adult about the whole thing! Ive left them to sort things out, changed my phone number etc, Ive accepted this man will never be a part of my life again. However, he was a part of my life once, and i fell in love with him. I know the silly little feelings i get occasionally of missing him will go...and as for counselling, I dont personally think I need counselling for this, I need bereavement counselling for the loss of my brother yes! but for my exMM, not really no. I see things quite clearly when it comes to him now.

 

I guess i should be glad i kind of got off lightly, Im a strong believer in karma myself so it would not suprise me if this came and bit me in the ass, and somebody i loved cheated on me...but who knows. I feel genuine remorse for what I did, and i think everybody at work (who knows the mm and me) knows that. My friend from work said to me at the new year party she wasnt suprised when she heard about him cheating, hes always been a player apparently.

 

I used to have quite strong opinions about women/men who went with people who had partners, confronted a few girls who had slept with my friends men...until I got MYSELF into the situation... The compassion I have been shown has taught me alot! I wont be doing this again, but the next time i hear of ''an affair'' I definately wont be so quick to judge!

[half_ofa_heart]

[quote=xxSRMxx;3181616a

I used to have quite strong opinions about women/men who went with people who had partners, confronted a few girls who had slept with my friends men...until I got MYSELF into the situation... The compassion I have been shown has taught me alot! I wont be doing this again, but the next time i hear of ''an affair'' I definately wont be so quick to judge!

 

I used to feel the same way and have learned that we are all human and are capable of making mistakes. I judged my brother for having an affair many years ago and would never have believed I'd find myself in one. Funny how things workk out.

[Confused4Now]

I havent blamed booze for what I did..It was a contribution but as for blaming it, no. I told her because I knew it would get me out of the situation i was in, as stupid as that sounds! I wasnt strong enough to leave him while I knew he still cared for me and wanted to be ''friends.'' I knew in telling his wife, he would hate me and not contact me, and i could work on myself and build myself up again.. and thats exactly what is happening, my ties are breaking with him and im seeing him for what he really is! I also think im being pretty adult about the whole thing! Ive left them to sort things out, changed my phone number etc, Ive accepted this man will never be a part of my life again. However, he was a part of my life once, and i fell in love with him. I know the silly little feelings i get occasionally of missing him will go...and as for counselling, I dont personally think I need counselling for this, I need bereavement counselling for the loss of my brother yes! but for my exMM, not really no. I see things quite clearly when it comes to him now.

Two years ago...I went knocking on my xMW door to do exactly what you did. I did it to get my answers and I knew I wasn't strong enough to end it. I knew if I exposed us she'd hate me and let me go. Well that never happened and she's still with H. Whats funny is how people found out about my affair and now I have close friends who are in those situations now and they ask me for advice.

[hanging on for now]

I havent blamed booze for what I did..It was a contribution but as for blaming it, no. I told her because I knew it would get me out of the situation i was in, as stupid as that sounds! I wasnt strong enough to leave him while I knew he still cared for me and wanted to be ''friends.'' I knew in telling his wife, he would hate me and not contact me, and i could work on myself and build myself up again.. and thats exactly what is happening, my ties are breaking with him and im seeing him for what he really is! I also think im being pretty adult about the whole thing! Ive left them to sort things out, changed my phone number etc, Ive accepted this man will never be a part of my life again. However, he was a part of my life once, and i fell in love with him. I know the silly little feelings i get occasionally of missing him will go...and as for counselling, I dont personally think I need counselling for this, I need bereavement counselling for the loss of my brother yes! but for my exMM, not really no. I see things quite clearly when it comes to him now.

 

I guess i should be glad i kind of got off lightly, Im a strong believer in karma myself so it would not suprise me if this came and bit me in the ass, and somebody i loved cheated on me...but who knows. I feel genuine remorse for what I did, and i think everybody at work (who knows the mm and me) knows that. My friend from work said to me at the new year party she wasnt suprised when she heard about him cheating, hes always been a player apparently.

 

I used to have quite strong opinions about women/men who went with people who had partners, confronted a few girls who had slept with my friends men...until I got MYSELF into the situation... The compassion I have been shown has taught me alot! I wont be doing this again, but the next time i hear of ''an affair'' I definately wont be so quick to judge!

 

I think mostly you are right but there is one huge area we differ. Anyone who exits an affair has such a pleffera of emotions that speaking with a counsellor is pretty important. I know you are feeling loss of the person, guilt for his wife, fear that he will retalliate, disapproval of friends but most important and the hardest thing, to forgive yourself. Even if you know all this, talking to someone tends to help to process it. This forum is helpful but not the same. The other thing to do is to get a blood test. As my wife has said dozen of times, everyone he screwed prior to you has now shared their potential diseases with you. If he is a player, I would run to the doctor. This probably will make you mad but reality is what it is. I required my wife to have it done. She didn't say a word and felt it was merrited. As she went into the clinic, she looked at me and said, "What was I thinking?" Sadly, both of us were virgins when we got together. Now I really feel humiliated. The innocense is gone. Her cheater said he had only slept with his wife and one other women but who knows. He is still lying to his wife, lied to mine and evidently can't tell the difference any more. Fortunately her test were negative. Don't risk your health for vanity. You made one mistake, don't make another. I'm glad you have strong self exteem, but taking ownership of your responsibility is just the start. Maybe soon I will go a full day not thinking about it. Hopefully soon. Good luck. I hope things get better, I truly do.

[llonia]

This part I am all too familiar with. I feel like the weakest woman on the face of the planet. I can't stick to my guns knowing all too well where this will end... same place it always does - me VERY unhappy.

 

Do what you need to do to move on.

 

Good Luck

than you very much...i hope the same for you and if you wanna ask anything else..feel free!!

[llonia]

Just an update....

 

Ive had 15 days off work, time to spend with my family etc, its done me good, its also been around 22 days of NC.....I dont really have the desire to contact him much. I think its because im very sure his wife as decided to stay with him, I respect that, Ill leave them to sort there marriage out.

 

I know that one of the wifes friends (who works with me!) did not know about what had happened, I work in a restaurant and last year my MM and his wife spent new years there. My work friend called the wife and asked if her and her husband were coming in again etc....

 

The wife responded with ''dont be so stupid, how dare u ring me, me and ****** will not be coming in that place for a very very long time'' and hung up!

 

So obviously somebody told my work friend about what had happened and yno what she did when she saw me today? Put her arm round me and just said u look well i hope your okay. I was seriously expecting a confrontation from her! shes never minced her words! I dont like to speak to soon, But i almost feel like ive got away with it too lightly?? Had too much support, I feel bad!

Same here..his wife said shes staying...he told me they will be working it out and there will be no more secrets between them...and since they are on a family plan she can see wht comes in and goes out!!...he told me this because everytime i tried to leave him..he begged me not too...his words wld be..everytime i think of good times we had my finger wld be on the trigger to call you!!...he made damn sure if i ever got weak..tht anything i wrote his wife wld be looking at!!