ignored Posted March 15, 2004 Share Posted March 15, 2004 Hi, I'm new but I did do some searching and found that husbands looking at magazines & computer porn is old stuff but please bear with me, this is somewhat different. I've been married for a year, with him for 3. When we met, I didn't think he was attracted to me and was very suprised when he asked me out. We began dating, and had a great time together - neither of us could get over how much we had in common, but I didn't get that sexual attraction vibe from him and I thought we'd end up friends - which was fine, he's a great guy. I brought up the subject and he told me that he just "wasn't that way" and that just because he wasn't a big "complimentor" that it didn't mean he wasn't attracted to me. I bought it because I never saw him looking at other women, magazines or otherwise. On the whole, we get along great and I'm NOT a nag or a prude in any sense. I thought we could talk about anything. I'd gotten used to not being looked at, even half dressed, (I'm not unattractive) because it was just "him" and it wasn't an issue. I even thought I was lucky in some ways because I figured he wasn't looking at other women either. WRONG! Suddenly, he's got a magazine in the bathroom and has been looking at stuff on the comp & then erasing it from the comps. history- ALOT, probably or I'd never have stumbled across it. He also offered the insight that men usually go to Hooters for the food these days (which I'm assuming means he now goes there for lunch) I've been with men who liked mags & videos, but they also liked ME, so it didn't seem important. Second, this is all done very sneakily and is the first secret between us - if it's no big deal, why hide it? He covers his tracks so well on the comp I still don't know exactly what he's been up to. His friends joke about how"particular" he is when it comes to women (which I thought was a good thing!). He dated a girl for years before me who he's told me was very attractive (and VERY different looks & stylewise from me) who happened to be an abusive nutcase. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a rebound he decided to stay with because outside of this situation, we do get along & I spoil him rotten. I've never had any difficulty finding a man and I don't want/need to spend my life with a man who needs Anna Kornikova to get turned on - I'm not a whiner, I'm not looking to create a problem, but something IS wrong here, and I'm SO hurt by this situation. I would TRULY appreciate any insight, and thank you for taking the time to read all of this - ignored Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 15, 2004 Share Posted March 15, 2004 Are you saying that you have never felt that your husband was attracted to you sexually? Do you have sex? Are you attracted to him? My experience with men is that 97% of them will get turned on by a woman who is average in appearance, but wants them and is available. To me, that is the norm. BTW - please don't apologize for wanting your spouse to admire and desire you and to show you these feelings. It is quite normal and reasonable to want to be wanted in your marriage. In fact, it's just about essential. People can have very different styles, of course, but your need to be wanted is legitimate. I just need more info to help. Link to post Share on other sites
rockjock Posted March 16, 2004 Share Posted March 16, 2004 Only 1 of my 10 or so friends chooses not to look at porn on a regular basis. Guys are guys. Feed us, F us, and leave us the F alone. Sounds harsh (it is) but somewhat true. I don’t believe that humans are monogamous animals. Especially males. We use porn and magazines as a tool for fantasizing. Instead of straying from the nest we use our imaginations for an outlet. Usually that is it. I wouldn’t look to deep into it. For me, it has increased my imagination in the bedroom. My girlfriend doesn’t complain a bit now when I am looking at porn. In fact, she watches it with me quite often. You may want to try the same. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 16, 2004 Share Posted March 16, 2004 Originally posted by rockjock I don’t believe that humans are monogamous animals. Are you a biologist? Link to post Share on other sites
Rockjock Posted March 16, 2004 Share Posted March 16, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker Are you a biologist? "I DONT BELIEVE" - My opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 16, 2004 Share Posted March 16, 2004 Facts don't require belief. Link to post Share on other sites
caretoo Posted March 16, 2004 Share Posted March 16, 2004 Hi Ignored, I know exactly where you are. I am in the same place except that my husband doesn't even look at porn. He just has a general disinterest in sex. Maybe once in a blue moon he will want it but it is, once in a blue moon. I have been to counseling with him and have tried to introduce new ideas that might spark something but nothing seems to work. I used to feel extremely inadaquate. I even went as far as to gain weight because I thought he preferred larger women. It was futile and not fair to me. So I lost the weight and said to hell with it. I have learned that it is not me. It is him. As hard as it is to believe this, you must. I don't know why some men are like this but I think it might have to do with their self esteem, age, relationships with their Dads or past trauma. I have really given up caring why at this point. I know there are medications for various problems but I don't know of any to initiate the desire to have sex. Do you? Does it hurt you to watch love scenes on TV/movies? It does me. I feel like I am missing out on such a huge part of married life. It also makes me feel that I will be vulnerable to an affair if it presented itself. Do you feel this way? How do you cope with it? In every other way he is very loving and sensitive toward me. Ironically, I had a first husband who wanted me all of the time but was a jerk. Sometimes it seems we just can't win. c Link to post Share on other sites
Author ignored Posted March 21, 2004 Author Share Posted March 21, 2004 Thank you (all of you) for responding! to be honest, I was afraid to read the replies for awhile. Thank you, thank you for not making me feel crazy even if you thought I am blowing things out of proportion. Caretoo, I had a jerk who loved sex before this too. This guy is so nice except for the fact I feel ugly for the first time in my life. More info - We have sex like 2X a week, no foreplay, very fast, I've tried getting him to slow down - and hey, I'd be very OK with him watching porn WITH me, but he's just not interested. I like giving oral sex and he gets that regularly - for now. I am too young to feel this way and I'm starting to get pathetic (and open to an affair cartoo, I know EXACTLY how you feel) a guy whistled at me in a wawa parking lot and it made my day. I hung onto that whistle for weeks. I was NEVER like this before! AND I've never cheated on anyone. Also - if he was just watching porn, I'd probablly assume that he just felt uncomfortable telling me, but he locks himself into the bathroom with like, a sport illustrated swimsuit issue. To me, this seems WORSE. I mean, he's just looking at beautiful women - at least with porn it's like a fetish - with this, I just feel like I don't "qualify" for his attention (LOL not that I could qualify to play in that league, but still, a bird in hand should mean SOMETHING)- ignored Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts