letter to my father

[kaity]

this is a letter i have written to my father. i have not given it to him yet, and i doubt i will, because giving this letter to him will just cause too much chaos. i am just hoping that someone else will read this, and be able to relate, everytime i try to talk to my friends, it seems like they are making excuses for him, or are telling me to stop over reacting.

 

here goes nothing

 

 

I would just like you to know, that you have lost your daughter. As soon as I am old enough to move out of the house, I am gone from your life, and hopefully you will be gone from mine. I have never been completely happy around you, and I am over it. You treat me like I am ****. I have spent my whole life wondering what I have done wrong to get this disapproval from you, and I am over it. I do not care any more. You can hate me all you like, but you will not draw me to your low level. I will not force myself to live through this anymore.

 

You are a bully.

 

And you not only bully me, but you have bullied my mother, into submission, no woman should be living the sheltered life she is. She is too afraid to approach you on these issues you have with me, because she is scared that you will go after her, like you go after me, and Laura. My whole life I have wished that I am not your daughter, so I do not have to have the same genes, share anything at all with you. But the sad truth is, that I am. I cannot change my DNA, but I have to live with this fact, that I am part of you, and you must live with that too. For some un-known reason you hate me. For 16 years I have been your daughter, and you, you have not been a dad to me. You have been a bully, a scary man to be feared, the reason I do everything I do, has been to make you proud of me. But I am sick of fighting for this approval, because I know it will never come. I do not need anyone’s approval to do anything, and the only reason I haven’t left home sooner, is because I do not want to hurt mum. But I really hope that she understands why I have to leave. You have made my life a living hell. And if I die and I do not make it into heaven, I am sure that living with the devil will be a breeze compared to a life with you. You need to go get some help. Go to an anger management class. Learn to control these fits of rage you seen to take out one me.

 

I do not know what I have done to you. I do not know why. But whatever it is it must have been truly horrible. And I am sincerely sorry for it.

 

Wait, I am not sorry for it. Living with you has caused me to feel guilty for being born; no one should ever have to feel that way. EVER. Did you know the only reason I love school so much, is that I can get away from you. And I dread every night when you come home, because I may do something to upset you, because you must be the king of the world, and I some lowly servant, because that is not how a father treats their daughter.

 

I know I am a good person, many people have told me so. You however, have never told me i am a good person, you have never said you loved me, just for no reason at all. I do not comprehend why you would treat me like you do.

 

It is said that children learn how to love by watching their parents; well you have taught me nothing about love, i have learnt how to sit and watch people be loved, but from you, a father to his daughter, i have never felt genuine love from you.

 

My self-esteem has been greatly impacted by you. I simply cannot go on like this; it has gotten to the point that I fear telling you things, because you focus on the negative. Then I feel horrible, like a terrible person for not telling you because I am hiding something or lying to you.

 

When I try to talk to you, I fear it again, because it will have extremely negative impacts on mum, and my relationships with my sisters. I know it will cause hell on the house, and I feel guilty about it. I fear talking to you. Have you noticed me avoiding your touch? Anytime you get close I shy away. That is not just some teenage angst, which I know your putting it down to, I truly and in all honesty cannot stand the touch of you, i do not want to have my back rubbed by a man that feels nothing for me, even worse, by a man that pretends to. But the thing is I am feeling so guilty about saying that I want to hurt myself, to punish myself for saying that, because no one should hate her own father. I feel guilty for everything that happens in this house, because some how, it can be traced back to me, or even if it can’t, I am the easiest target to blame, because I just sit there and feel guilty about it. That’s right. I feel guilty for every bad thing that happens to this family.

 

 

Did you know that my whole life, I have never felt like I have had a father figure?

 

Your abuse to me I think is the worst kind. You don’t openly say you “hate me”, you have never beaten me. But it is so subtle that I really have no proof of it, apart from in my heart. I know that you do not treat me right.

 

And I know that for a fact because this letter is the biggest guilt trip of my life. I am feeling so guilty even writing these words, that I am trying to convince myself that it is wrong. That everything written before this is all wrong, I am lying. But I know that I am not lying. I know that I am not over reacting, but because of the way you have treated me, it has caused me to feel like this. I just read over the note, and I am trying to convince myself that this is not true. I feel this tremendous guilt coming over me, my heart says you are not doing anything wrong, but these thoughts you have installed in my head say I am. This time I am going with my heart, you cannot brainwash me anymore. You cannot force me to feel this way, I am rising above you, and I am going to be the best person I can be. I would like you to know, that if you ever take any credit for me, even the slightest, I will be so deeply upset, because I have done everything in my life in spite of you. I am sick of rolling over, i am sick of me making efforts to patch this up, i am sick of waiting for you, waiting for you to treat me like i want to be treated, to simply love me. i am sick and tired of you.

[sammyd]

Hi Kaity,

 

I'm very sorry to read your letter. Is there anyone you have spoken to about this? To be in this situation must be so difficult for you. I'm afraid i don't have any experience of this, but i feel for you.

I'm sure there are people on here that will be able to help you more:)

[worlybear]

Hi. Hugs to you.

I was very moved by your letter. Please don't beat yourself up about it-it's not your fault that your father treats you in this way.

Now that you've written it all down- maybe you could speak to someone about how you feel?

I think it would be helpful to speak to a teacher or mentor at school.

Also I think you need to talk to your mum about how you feel about the family dynamics-she may have gotten so used to your father's ways that she doesn't realise how his bullying is affecting the family.

He needs to realise he is on the brink of losing his daughter.

[quankanne]

ditto others' remarks about finding someone to talk to, even if it's an anonymous hotline just so that you can hear a human voice. We're here for you, too, kiddo.

 

hugs,

q

[AVR1962]

I definately would not give the letter to your father. Writing your emotions out is good. Is there someone you can talk to? is there any possibility you could see a couselor?

 

My mother is an alcoholic, just a mean and very bitter woman. She has been so hateful to me my whole life so I understand. I have two grown daughters whose father left when the girls were small and basically has been an absent part of their lives and seems to think only of himself. I have seen the emotional struggles they have been thru. The way he chooses to live and his choices should not reflect how they feel about themselves.

 

My examples are to point out to you that some parents have issues and not all want, or are meant to be, parents. Don't let your father's issues become yours.

[Ruby Slippers]

I relate all too well.

 

I am at my parents' house lying in the bedroom in the dark right now, while my mom and dad sit in the living room, my dad periodically yelling at her. I had to get away from him. Less and less am I able to put up any kind of pleasant front with him. I can't be the 'good daughter' for that loser anymore. I have ZERO respect for him. Not a shred. He's only nice to me when he's seriously ill, facing death, and he needs something. He has shown me over and over and over again that he doesn't give a **** about me. I am losing my capacity to give a **** about him, and a large part of me thinks it's about time I get the hell away and stay there.

 

On this visit, it hit me really hard that I have been trying my entire life to win his approval, and now I feel like it's a huge waste of energy. I gave him some presents this year but then wished I hadn't. Of course, he gave me nothing. He hasn't given me a single thing in more than a decade. So why do I spend my money, time, and energy to come see them and treat him so well? I come to visit for my mom. And I tolerate him for her sake.

 

But I really can't stand him. I think he's pathetic and ignorant and hateful. The last two times I have visited here, I have felt worthless and had suicidal thoughts. I woke up last night from a terrible nightmare that ended in my death. I think this is a loud and clear signal that I need to get the **** away from here and stay gone for a long time. My mom knows she can come stay with me anytime. If she chooses to get dragged down with him, I can't do anything about that. But I won't sacrifice myself to that sorry excuse for a man.

 

My flight leaves tomorrow, and my departure time cannot get here fast enough.

 

As for how to deal with this, hell if I know. I've been actively working to extricate this thorn in my side my entire life, but it feels like one of those hooks with baby hooks. You wriggle it out a little but then it just latches into you somewhere else. Are there support groups for people with awful parents who never should have had kids?