To everyone in an Affair

[donnamaybe]

Good choice of word.

Yeah, as in playing is FUN, as opposed to playing at, meaning pretending.

[jthorne]

Guess I haven't been here much or paid much attention if this is how she is all the time.

 

Really, GEL, what's up? I remember you from way back and your were so much fun and so helpful. You were able to speak to both sides without such anger. Why so different now? NID, do you remember those days?

You know, I can't remember where- maybe it was an article I read or something I heard on the radio- but they said that the 4-year mark is the make-or-break mark in most relationships. The honeymood period has worn off and the day-to-day drudgery has set in. Some slip into it gracefully, and others, especially others who have dealt with previous problems may have a harder time. It was also stated that if one of the partners was previously a philanderer, the 4-year mark is when their eye starts to wander again.

 

If I remember correctly, there are a couple of OW/fOW here who are at the 4-year mark.

[donnamaybe]

You know, I can't remember where- maybe it was an article I read or something I heard on the radio- but they said that the 4-year mark is the make-or-break mark in most relationships. The honeymood period has worn off and the day-to-day drudgery has set in. Some slip into it gracefully, and others, especially others who have dealt with previous problems may have a harder time. It was also stated that if one of the partners was previously a philanderer, the 4-year mark is when their eye starts to wander again.

 

If I remember correctly, there are a couple of OW/fOW here who are at the 4-year mark.

And the five....

[jthorne]

And the five....

Oh... well, I was talking about fOW who had transitioned into real exclusive relationships.... but I get what you mean. I'm not sure they count, since they have never gone through normal activities such as "blending" families, paying bills, sick kids, etc.

 

But I do get your point. Those MM who sought diversions from their marriages most certainly will start looking elsewhere when the "new" wears off the OW. According to the article, anyway.

Edited January 25, 2011 by jthorne

[donnamaybe]

Oh... well, I was talking about fOW who had transitioned into real exclusive relationships.... but I get what you mean. I'm not sure they count, since they have never gone through normal activities such as "blending" families, paying bills, sick kids, etc.

Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. You're right. None of the day-to-day stuff; the "boring" part of a relationship.

[jthorne]

Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. You're right. None of the day-to-day stuff; the "boring" part of a relationship.

Not to mention the inlaws, who may not be so welcoming of an OW into the family. The stress that causes to the relationship must be considered as well. YMMV.

 

You must have been posting when I edited...In reference to what you were speaking to:

But I do get your point. Those MM who sought diversions from their marriages most certainly will start looking elsewhere when the "new" wears off the OW. According to the article, anyway.

Now I can see how being an OW can be very hard. And a thread such as this is something to cling on to. It makes me sad that they don't have more to cling to.

[Ellin]

Yeah, as in playing is FUN, as opposed to playing at, meaning pretending.

 

Well then, mine and your definition of fun must be completely different, as I don't think it's much fun "playing" families (real ones - of course!) with a husband who's just come back from "pretending" the same with his OW.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Question to the "unapologetic" other women here: If you discovered that the man you're involved with was having a covert relationship with an additional paramour besides you and his wife, would you extend the same respect for the nature of that relationship that you expect in yours?

 

Are you sure you would not find some "bitterness" in yourselves?

[SouthernSunshine]

((He was in a committed relationship, but now married)) The look in his eyes when we were together naked, I was on top. At that very moment he was all mine & I was all his.

[Fieldsofgold]

Question to the "unapologetic" other women here: If you discovered that the man you're involved with was having a covert relationship with an additional paramour besides you and his wife, would you extend the same respect for the nature of that relationship that you expect in yours?

 

Are you sure you would not find some "bitterness" in yourselves?

 

This is my question, too. If you found out he had an OOW, would you OW respect that?

 

Some of you may know that I was the unsuspecting OOW in a relationship. He provided a home and an income for his OW, as well as one for his W. His children were away at college, and I would say he probably spent the majority of his time with his OW. His wife knew about the OW, and he basically lived with the OW during the week, and his wife on weekends, holidays, or when one of his six children was home or needed something. He did provide a much finer house for his W, but OW bragged that she helped him pick it out for her. And he did provide a nice home for OW, too.

 

He and his wife were married 20 years. He and his OW LIVED TOGETHER 10 YEARS. OW had moved cross country with him several times.

 

Then he met me, fell head over heels in love with me, and spent all his time with me. Holidays and all. He took me out in public all the time, to work functions, everyone he worked with met me. He attended church with me every service. I would have never guessed he had anyone else. Much less two!

 

I terminated the R immediately when I found out. I talked to both the W and the OW several times. I assured them both that I was not interested in "their" man.

 

The OW was certain that he was really in love with me. She told me she had never seen him like that before, gave me details, examples and situations that proved it. And pretty well convinced me, too. (But I still didn't want a man who would lie and cheat like that.)

 

Even though she was sure I was his true love, she still went psycho bunny boiler on me. OW was the most devious, sneaky, treacherous, cut-throat you can imagine. Did everything she could to hurt me. This is even though I had ended it and was having nothing to do with him. I mean she didn't even know about me until it was over, and she still went bunny boiler for months.

 

Even months later, OW was STILL trying to stir up a stink. She tried to play mind games with me, told lies about me to other people, even went so far as to tell the W he was living with me! This was months after it ended. She wanted to upset W, and wanted W and I to fight. OW was just psycho at the idea that he might love and want me. Even though i assured her I considered him lower than pond scum. She still went after me with a vengence.

 

She did NOT respect our special love. And could not accept that I would not want him.

 

The only time W really went after me was when OW fed her a crock of lies about mm and me and really got her stirred up.

 

But then, OW had the most to lose. Seems he did end his 10 year A a few months after I dumped him. She was out in the street, a thousand miles from her family, with an old cheap ragged-out car, and a minimum wage job. I heard she had to pack everything she owned in her little car and drive cross country to move in with her married daughter.

 

The W is still married to him, she is still enjoying all the benefits, their fine lakefront home, their boat, the nice vacations, their family, and being fully supported by him, last I heard.

 

So in my experience as deceived OOW (:sick:), neither the W or the OW respected the fact that he was in love with me, that I was special to him, or any other facet of it. But only the OW went psycho on me.

[NoIDidn't]

So in my experience as deceived OOW (:sick:), neither the W or the OW respected the fact that he was in love with me, that I was special to him, or any other facet of it. But only the OW went psycho on me.

 

This is actually a pretty good argument for legalizing polygamy in the US

 

The OW reacted the way she did because she knew hers was not a "protected" position. That she could lose everything she thought the A gave her without so much as a word from him if/when he no longer desired her. And from what you posted, that's exactly what happened.

 

And so sad too.

 

I don't think any OW is willing to share with an OOW. Most justify their affairs by saying something is wrong with the W, and that's why he cheats on her with them. But they refuse to extend that same logic to themselves if he also has OOW. In that case, they say something is wrong with the MM, because they refuse to accept the same partial responsibility for the cheating that they demand a W do. Oh no!!!

[jlola]

This is my question, too. If you found out he had an OOW, would you OW respect that?

 

 

Then he met me, fell head over heels in love with me, and spent all his time with me. Holidays and all. He took me out in public all the time, to work functions, everyone he worked with met me. He attended church with me every service. I would have never guessed he had anyone else. Much less two!

 

The OW was certain that he was really in love with me. She told me she had never seen him like that before, gave me details, examples and situations that proved it. And pretty well convinced me, too. (But I still didn't want a man who would lie and cheat like that.)

 

Even though she was sure I was his true love, she still went psycho bunny boiler on me. OW was the most devious, sneaky, treacherous, cut-throat you can imagine. Did everything she could to hurt me. This is even though I had ended it and was having nothing to do with him. I mean she didn't even know about me until it was over, and she still went bunny boiler for months.

 

 

 

So in my experience as deceived OOW (:sick:), neither the W or the OW respected the fact that he was in love with me, that I was special to him, or any other facet of it. But only the OW went psycho on me.

 

You have to understand is he was in the "honeymoon" " infatuation stage" "in love stage" "new relationship energy" "limerence" that goes on up to 3 years after you start a relationship. He was past that with them.

 

Seeing his history, 10 years down the line when he met a new other woman and was in the infatuation stage with her. He would again get that high from that first stage. t is not that you or any woman will be the love of his life. It is the feeling of being "in love" and having his cake and eating it too he is in love with.

 

Believe me. My father had 3 mistresses. All were the love of his life. With mistress #2 my mother found a letter (he must have been ready to send it) which he declared the day he first made love to her,was the happiest day of his life. This killed her as she gave birth to 3 of his daughters but that I guess trumped our birth. Then he met mistress #3 and she was the NEW "love of his life". Mistress #2 didn't know what the hell hit her. But I guess after close to a 5 year affair. His infatuation with her wore out. He was so "in love with mistress #3 he was almost ready to leave my mother.

 

I guess with each new person they meet. The new infatuation stage trumps the last one. Sad really.

[Fieldsofgold]

You have to understand is he was in the "honeymoon" " infatuation stage" "in love stage" "new relationship energy" "limerence" that goes on up to 3 years after you start a relationship. He was past that with them.

 

Seeing his history, 10 years down the line when he met a new other woman and was in the infatuation stage with her. He would again get that high from that first stage. t is not that you or any woman will be the love of his life. It is the feeling of being "in love" and having his cake and eating it too he is in love with.

 

Believe me. My father had 3 mistresses. All were the love of his life. With mistress #2 my mother found a letter (he must have been ready to send it) which he declared the day he first made love to her,was the happiest day of his life. This killed her as she gave birth to 3 of his daughters but that I guess trumped our birth. Then he met mistress #3 and she was the NEW "love of his life". Mistress #2 didn't know what the hell hit her. But I guess after close to a 5 year affair. His infatuation with her wore out. He was so "in love with mistress #3 he was almost ready to leave my mother.

 

I guess with each new person they meet. The new infatuation stage trumps the last one. Sad really.

 

What a horrible, horrible thing for you and your mother to have to endure. I am so sorry.

 

Well, of course you are exactly right! When I found out this man had lied to me about being married, I KNEW it was NOT love. Certainly not any kind of love I WANTED.

 

As I learned more about him, I found out that he had a pattern, just like you said, of being totally and completely in love with a woman. But as soon as he had them sound and secure, and some time passed, he would begin to complain that they didn't spend enough time with him, didn't pay attention to him, weren't affectionate enough with him, didn't treat him like he was important. And he would begin to look for someone else who would make him the center of their universe.

 

But the problem wasn't the woman he was with. The problem was with his perception. Even if someone did make him the center of her universe, he would eventually still find that same kind of fault. Here's an example. He accused his OW of neglecting him when she occasionally got called in to work a different shift. What was she supposed to do? Quit her job? Or his wife *one time* wanted to watch the end of a movie before going to bed! He blamed her for being tired sometimes at night. They had six small kids!

 

I think no matter how perfect the woman was, at some point, he would find fault, would believe he was being neglected, to justify his decision to move on to the next woman. He blamed the woman, but It was a flaw within him.

Edited January 26, 2011 by Fieldsofgold

[OWoman]

Question to the "unapologetic" other women here: If you discovered that the man you're involved with was having a covert relationship with an additional paramour besides you and his wife, would you extend the same respect for the nature of that relationship that you expect in yours?

 

Are you sure you would not find some "bitterness" in yourselves?

 

I am no longer an OW, but I was unapologetic when I was, and still am unapologetic, so I'm not sure if this question extends to me.

 

If any of my MMs had had OOWs, I would not have been fazed. I was not sexually exclusive with them, so would not have demanded that they be sexually exclusive with me - that would be hypocritical!

 

But I was honest with them in that they knew I had other lovers beside them. Were I to have discovered that they were not honest with me about other lovers besides myself, that would have transgressed the terms of the agreement, and they'd have been dumped instantly. It would have had nothing to do with the OOW - it would have had to do with their breach of honesty.

[OWoman]

If I remember correctly, there are a couple of OW/fOW here who are at the 4-year mark.

 

Oh... well, I was talking about fOW who had transitioned into real exclusive relationships....

 

I'm not sure who're you're referring to by this... GEL, IIRC, has been with her H for more than 5 years, and I've been with mine for more than 6. I'm not sure about anyone else's timings, but can't think of any who are around 4 years...

 

 

but I get what you mean. I'm not sure they count, since they have never gone through normal activities such as "blending" families, paying bills, sick kids, etc.

 

Perhaps it's unfamiliar to you, but many MMs and OWs do all of that stuff together during an A. Certainly we did - we lived together for extended periods during the A doing normal coupley things, including bills, kids, shopping and other chores. I'd guess that the "moonlight and roses" As are by far the minority - those would be more likely to be brief flings, IMO.

 

But I do get your point. Those MM who sought diversions from their marriages most certainly will start looking elsewhere when the "new" wears off the OW. According to the article, anyway.

 

Depending on what kind of A and why the person embarked on it, I guess. If it was just for the rush, then yes, that would wear off quickly. But if they were starved for a real emotional connection, and found that with someone else, chances are the A would soon shift into LTR mode.

[OWoman]

Not to mention the inlaws, who may not be so welcoming of an OW into the family. The stress that causes to the relationship must be considered as well. YMMV.

 

This may be a cultural difference, but I don't personally know any inlaws who have been hostile to an OW. Most are just so relieved to see their son / brother happy at last that they welcome the woman they see as responsible for bringing that about.

 

Now I can see how being an OW can be very hard. And a thread such as this is something to cling on to. It makes me sad that they don't have more to cling to.

 

I'm sad too that any attempts at positivity are so threatening to some people that they feel the need to sabotage them. I hope that they're able to claw some peace out of somewhere in their lives to move on...

 

To return to topic - during the A, I loved how our time together was sacrosanct, and nothing was allowed to intrude. Now that we're together 100% of the time all day every day, we've obviously had to compromise on that, but we do still make times when we completely shut off the rest of the world and just enjoy each other. :love: :love:

[OWoman]

Normal? So AngeletteX, you go to his family get togethers instead of his wife? You go to his works parties with him instead of his wife? All his family and friends know and have met you?

 

In my case, yes to all of the above (during the A).

 

And finally.....................his wife has met you too?

 

Of course not - only the important people in his life! The same way I didn't introduce my H to the vagrants that go through my bin on rubbish collecting days, I didn't expect him to introduce me to his W!

[jthorne]

Of course not - only the important people in his life! The same way I didn't introduce my H to the vagrants that go through my bin on rubbish collecting days, I didn't expect him to introduce me to his W!

And they say OW never ever say things to rile BS up.

[SouthernSunshine]

 

This is actually a pretty good argument for legalizing polygamy in the US

 

It should be legal.

[JamieA]

And they say OW never ever say things to rile BS up.

 

WTF (W=who) is "they"? Please provide supporting evidence to your potshot one-liner chick!

[OWoman]

And they say OW never ever say things to rile BS up.

 

Your wishing my H's xW mattered (to him, or anyone else) doesn't make it so. If you get offended by my pointing out what a nasty, abusive and damaging person she was, feel free not to read my posts However, your being offended doesn't change reality one iota.

[OWoman]

It should be legal.

 

I agree with this.

[jthorne]

I'm not sure who're you're referring to by this... GEL, IIRC, has been with her H for more than 5 years, and I've been with mine for more than 6. I'm not sure about anyone else's timings, but can't think of any who are around 4 years...

I wasnt counting the first year that he lied to her about being single. Opinions may vary, but I dont believe it can be called a real relationship when one isn't even aware of their paramour's marital status.

Your wishing my H's xW mattered (to him, or anyone else) doesn't make it so. If you get offended by my pointing out what a nasty, abusive and damaging person she was, feel free not to read my posts However, your being offended doesn't change reality one iota.

Oh, I wasn't referring to her or any feelings one might have had. I was referring to the tastelessness of the comment.

[OWoman]

WTF (W=who) is "they"? Please provide supporting evidence to your potshot one-liner chick!

 

isn't it funny how alleged non-BSs get so riled up on their behalf, even when all someone did was describe the facts of their own situation...

[donnamaybe]

Well then, mine and your definition of fun must be completely different, as I don't think it's much fun "playing" families (real ones - of course!) with a husband who's just come back from "pretending" the same with his OW.

The fun is being had by the WS at the expense of both women. However, only the OW/OM knows they are possibly being played with. There are rarely found on LS the situations where the AP ends up happy with the WS. In most cases, when D day occurs, the WS is begging for the BS to take him/her back.

 

Sounds like LOTS of fun to be an AP.