NoIDidn't Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 The reason I was moved to respond in this thread, however, was the part of Anglette's post that is quoted above. What does "the wonder of it all" have to do with being an OW in an affair with a married man? I am asking sincerely; not to be a "stirrer." Is not the "wonder of it all" just a part of feeling in love, regardless of whether it's with your husband, your boyfriend, girlfriend, or somebody else's husband? The choice of words used in the above quote does seem to be aggrandizing the state of being "in an affair" rather than the state of being "in love." Anglette, when you post that "people who have never experienced it can't possibly understand," are you saying that the depth of love involved when you are feeling it towards someone else's spouse is somehow grander than the love that one can feel in a "sanctioned" relationship? (I hesitate to use that term, "sanctioned," but I can't think of another one ... what I mean is, a relationship with ones significant other that does not involve any subterfuge and dishonesty.) If that is what you are saying ... why is that? Is it because the "forbidden" and the sneaky aspects of an affair lend so much excitement that the thrills in such a love will always surpass love between partners who are not hiding? I've noticed this too. The "magic" of it all as if no one else has ever fallen in love before. Most of what I've read in this thread, I experienced when I fell in love with the man I later married. It really sounds like just falling in love. I, too, wonder why its pitched like its better than any other love relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I've noticed this too. The "magic" of it all as if no one else has ever fallen in love before. Most of what I've read in this thread, I experienced when I fell in love with the man I later married. It really sounds like just falling in love. I, too, wonder why its pitched like its better than any other love relationship. I remember when I was in IC after Dday that I said to my counsellor that in some ways my 3 year affair was almost like 3 months of "proper dating". It never got real, it was never about doing housework, talking about bills, dealing with "routine life". Therefore it was almost like those first heady weeks when you meet someone new and you think that they are the most wonderful person that ever walked this planet (and only find out how wrong you were much later ). Link to post Share on other sites
half_ofa_heart Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I remember when I was in IC after Dday that I said to my counsellor that in some ways my 3 year affair was almost like 3 months of "proper dating". It never got real, it was never about doing housework, talking about bills, dealing with "routine life". Therefore it was almost like those first heady weeks when you meet someone new and you think that they are the most wonderful person that ever walked this planet (and only find out how wrong you were much later ). Absolutely TRUE! I feel like the "new car smell" never goes away Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Absolutely TRUE! I feel like the "new car smell" never goes away Too funny. I'm one of those odd people that's actually bothered by the "new car smell". I remember new love, and now that I'm not there, I find it kind of nauseating too. LOL. No matter WHO is in the R. Enjoy the "newness" while it lasts. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I've noticed this too. The "magic" of it all as if no one else has ever fallen in love before. I hadn't. Most of what I've read in this thread' date=' I experienced when I fell in love with the man I later married.[/quote'] Me too :love: It really sounds like just falling in love. I' date=' too, wonder why its pitched like its better than any other love relationship.[/quote'] In my case, because I'd never found anyone worth loving before, I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 So ladies and gents - those who find themselves "involved with a committed partner" - name one thing you absolutely adore about your partner (no BS or individuals who have never experienced being in an A please). Not sure if this applies to me - I'm involved with a committed partner, but he's committed to me (as he was during the A, anyway ) but here goes... I love his strength and his tenderness, the depth of his love and his loyalty, I love his humour and his intellect, I love his leadership and his partnership, I love his body and I love his prowess in the sack. I could go on, but I've already gone beyond the "one thing" that was requested... Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 In my case, because I'd never found anyone worth loving before, I guess. Interesting. Not even your exH was worth loving? Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 So ladies and gents - those who find themselves "involved with a committed partner" - name one thing you absolutely adore about your partner (no BS or individuals who have never experienced being in an A please). I love his strength and his tenderness, the depth of his love and his loyalty, I love his humour and his intellect, I love his leadership and his partnership, I love his body and I love his prowess in the sack. I could go on, but I've already gone beyond the "one thing" that was requested... Ha ha. Thanks for this. Went beyond the "one thing", but at least it was about things you adore about him and not things he makes you adore about...yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Interesting. Not even your exH was worth loving? I didn't buy the "love" notion. Thought it was a Hollywood / Hallmark invention to sell stuff. It was only when I fell in love with my H that I realised it did exist, and that I simply hadn't encountered anyone who could trigger it in me before. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Ha ha. Thanks for this. Went beyond the "one thing", but at least it was about things you adore about him and not things he makes you adore about...yourself. He doesn't make me feel anything about myself. What I feel about myself I feel independently of anyone else's influence. I don't need the validation. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 He doesn't make me feel anything about myself. What I feel about myself I feel independently of anyone else's influence. I don't need the validation. That's great and was my point. Many of the posts in this thread are about how the MM makes them feel, not about the MM's lovable traits alone. I love my H's work ethic. I also love the way that he takes care of our family. But if I state only the second statement, instead of the first, one might think me a gold-digger and not notice that I appreciate the character trait that led to him being a good provider. I don't think its a matter of needing the "validation" in noting that being in love with someone makes you feel many positive things. No one should be so cold in that way. The "validation" is the "mirroring". If you (general) love someone but are unable to mirror it back to them, they will wonder if you love them at all. They need the proof of your love, the "validation". Link to post Share on other sites
Sidtheskid Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 It doesn't need to rival what is dead in many cases. The question, obviously - if it's dead, why stay? We all know the answer, yes? Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 That's great and was my point. Many of the posts in this thread are about how the MM makes them feel, not about the MM's lovable traits alone. I love my H's work ethic. I also love the way that he takes care of our family. But if I state only the second statement, instead of the first, one might think me a gold-digger and not notice that I appreciate the character trait that led to him being a good provider. I don't think its a matter of needing the "validation" in noting that being in love with someone makes you feel many positive things. No one should be so cold in that way. The "validation" is the "mirroring". If you (general) love someone but are unable to mirror it back to them, they will wonder if you love them at all. They need the proof of your love, the "validation". I think there is a difference between mirroring, which happens spontaneously when people are in accord, and and feeling something because someone else makes you feel that. If you feel special solely in response to someone making you feel special, that feeling of specialness depends on them and their presence, and is thus an asset of theirs rather than of yours. Sure, I feel special around my H - but it's no different to how I felt about myself before hand. I didn't need him to acknowledge that I had positive attributes. It's great that he shares my opinion of some things I like about myself, and that he likes some things I might like a little less, but it doesn't change how I see myself at a fundamental level. I've changed as a result of the R, as has he, and we both love each other and show each other that all the time, but my feeling good about myself doesn't depend on him, nor his feeling good about himself on me. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 The question, obviously - if it's dead, why stay? We all know the answer, yes? There isn't one answer. Each case has its own circumstances and its own players. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 There isn't one answer. Each case has its own circumstances and its own players.But ONE of the answers is that it's NOT really "dead." That's just one of the many lies a WS tells to hook an AP into playing their game. Yes, I know, I know. Not in YOUR case. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 The question, obviously - if it's dead, why stay? We all know the answer, yes? That is a loaded gun and you know it. Many Ms survive without a trace of love. And IMHO, the M might as well be dead. I couldn't, and wouldn't stay if the love was dead but that is just me. I don't pretend to be in love just because somebody is paying the bills. I am not saying anyone here is doing that, but it does happen all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Yeah. In every affair situation, it's because the M is dead. It's NEVER because there's a self-serving, selfish, lying, sneaky arse in the equation. Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 The so-called situation of the M should not be of any importance, excepting for the two in it. The examples of the M being "dead" or a spouse being "controlling" are just used by the desparate OM/OW. Their position Depends on finding these and other vulnerables within a M. Link to post Share on other sites
hanging on for now Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 There is a thread in the M&LP section which specifically states "no OW/mistresses or OM please" when it comes to responses. So far that request seems to be respected. I'm curious to see if it's possible to have similar results here, in terms of people respecting such a request. So ladies and gents - those who find themselves "involved with a committed partner" - name one thing you absolutely adore about your partner (no BS or individuals who have never experienced being in an A please). I'll start - I love the way we're always laughing with each other, especially all the inside jokes we share together that nobody else is privy to! Well sorry to break your rules. As a man married to a women who had an affair, this post is disgusting. Old testiment times, you would be stoned. Laugh about that next time you have an inside joke. Your actions destroy people, many never recover. Link to post Share on other sites
hanging on for now Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Well sorry to break your rules. As a man married to a women who had an affair, this post is disgusting. Old testiment times, you would be stoned. Laugh about that next time you have an inside joke. Your actions destroy people, many never recover. Here's another laugh riot. Picture me holding our daughter as she sobs and cant be consoled. Try to answer her when she asks, "Why is mommy leaving? What did I do? I don't want her to go!" "Neither do I babe but I can't make her stay." Yep just funny all around. Hopefully you won't sleep too well thinking about this. It's ok. After she moved out, I have averaged 3 hours a night. I could use the conforting thought that you are up nights, even if just for a short period of time. Link to post Share on other sites
starlight102 Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 (edited) Here's another laugh riot. Picture me holding our daughter as she sobs and cant be consoled. Try to answer her when she asks, "Why is mommy leaving? What did I do? I don't want her to go!" "Neither do I babe but I can't make her stay." Yep just funny all around. Hopefully you won't sleep too well thinking about this. It's ok. After she moved out, I have averaged 3 hours a night. I could use the conforting thought that you are up nights, even if just for a short period of time. Perhaps you should direct the anger that you obviously are going through towards your WS instead of coming here and being completely insulting?? Edited January 7, 2011 by starlight102 Link to post Share on other sites
hanging on for now Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Perhaps you should direct the anger that you obviously are going through towards your WS instead of coming here and being completely insulting?? Probably right. But I'm not insulting. Making light of extra marrital affairs is what is insulting. Link to post Share on other sites
thissecretgirl Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Perhaps you should direct the anger that you obviously are going through towards your WS instead of coming here and being completely insulting?? yeah, there seems to be quite a bit of projecting going on in this thread and its detracting from what the threads about. There also seem to be the usual stereotypes about the OM/OW starting to appear too. Link to post Share on other sites
thissecretgirl Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Probably right. But I'm not insulting. Making light of extra marrital affairs is what is insulting. The thread is for people to share their good experiences of their relationship and what they love about their affair partners. It's in the Other man/other woman forum for a reason. The forum exists for people in affairs to be able to share and discuss. There are many other forums on loveshack that you might not find so offensive. Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Perhaps you should direct the anger that you obviously are going through towards your WS instead of coming here and being completely insulting?? There's nothing wrong with a little reality and truth - to go along with the destructive fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
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