Distant78 Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 Okay so do you have any regrets for cheating on your husband at all? Cheaters have no regrets for what they've done. They can say all the sorries they want, but deep down they enjoyed every second of it. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 Cheaters have no regrets for what they've done. They can say all the sorries they want, but deep down they enjoyed every second of it. Unfair Distant. And wrong. Just as there are objections to stereotyping BS, I object to stereotyping WS as completely heartless. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 Unfair Distant. And wrong. Just as there are objections to stereotyping BS, I object to stereotyping WS as completely heartless. And cheating is heartless. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 And cheating is heartless. I am not after defending cheating. I should never have done it. But to state that WS do not have regrets is completely wrong. Some may remain selfish ar$eholes but others realise what they have done and change for the better. To completely write off all WS the way you have is just wrong, plain and simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 I am not after defending cheating. I should never have done it. But to state that WS do not have regrets is completely wrong. Some may remain selfish ar$eholes but others realise what they have done and change for the better. To completely write off all WS the way you have is just wrong, plain and simple. I didn't say you're defending cheating. But no, it's not wrong to say that. For WSs to cheat they're essentially writing off their BSs. Plain and simple. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 I didn't say you're defending cheating. But no, it's not wrong to say that. For WSs to cheat they're essentially writing off their BSs. Plain and simple. But you said that WS have no regrets. That is what I am objecting to. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 But you said that WS have no regrets. That is what I am objecting to. But they don't have regrets. That's the whole point of cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 But they don't have regrets. That's the whole point of cheating. OK well you carry on with your stereotypes if you want, however wrong they are. There is obviously no point having this discussion with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 OK well you carry on with your stereotypes if you want, however wrong they are. There is obviously no point having this discussion with you. Same to you. There is obviously no point in having this discussion with you, which I never asked for in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 Same to you. There is obviously no point in having this discussion with you, which I never asked for in the first place. Hmm. I did not realise I could only post if invited by you. I actually realise that everybody is different and that what is true for some is not neccessarily true for others. Therefore I refuse to say that all WS are this or that all BS are that just as I would not say that about OM/OW. It does strike me as amusing that in a thread complaining about the stereotyping of BS, someone is attempting to stereotype WS. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 Hmm. I did not realise I could only post if invited by you. I know right? It does strike me as amusing that in a thread complaining about the stereotyping of BS, someone is attempting to stereotype WS. Attempting to? Nah nah. Link to post Share on other sites
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 Okay so I looked up dysfuntion and its meaning! No one now can tell me a WS isnt dysfunctional! Read This! The following features occur in most dysfunctional families: Lack of empathy, understanding, and sensitivity toward certain family members; while, on the other hand, expressing extreme empathy toward one or more family members (or even pets) who have real or perceived "special needs."Denial (a refusal to acknowledge abusive behavior; also known as the "elephant in the room")Inadequate or missing boundaries for self (e.g., tolerating inappropriate treatment from others, failing to express what is acceptable and unacceptable treatment, tolerance of physical, emotional or sexual abuse)Disrespect of others' boundaries (e.g., throwing away personal possessions that belong to others, physical contact that other person dislikes; breaking important promises without just cause; purposefully violating a boundary another person has expressed)Extremes in conflict (either too much fighting or insufficient arguing between family members)Unequal or unfair treatment of one or more family members due to their gender, age (e.g., seniors, children), abilities, race, economic status, etc. (may include frequent appeasement of one member at the expense of others, or an uneven enforcement of rules).Therefore yes...the cheater and the OM/OW contributing to the affair...are the dysfunctional ones! Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 I'm a former WS not OW. But yes, I do regret my affair. I used and hurt both my H and the ex-OM just for my own gain. All very selfish and heartless (as Distant said). However over 2 years since Dday, my H and I have successfully reconciled and are doing good. I am not plagued by guilt now though I certainly was at first but that level of self-loathing has to stop as it is not healthy. Though regret and remorse will always be there - if I did not feel that way then that to me would suggest that I did not care about what I had done to my husband and would be a continuation of the disrespect shown by having the affair in the first place. My H would never have given me another chance if he for one moment suspected I did not regret what I had done. Link to post Share on other sites
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 I'm a former WS not OW. But yes, I do regret my affair. I used and hurt both my H and the ex-OM just for my own gain. All very selfish and heartless (as Distant said). However over 2 years since Dday, my H and I have successfully reconciled and are doing good. I am not plagued by guilt now though I certainly was at first but that level of self-loathing has to stop as it is not healthy. Though regret and remorse will always be there - if I did not feel that way then that to me would suggest that I did not care about what I had done to my husband and would be a continuation of the disrespect shown by having the affair in the first place. My H would never have given me another chance if he for one moment suspected I did not regret what I had done. And that is something I can appreciate...and am glad to hear Anne. I am disgusted with the lack of respect that goes on with WS's who remain married and say they have it so bad in their relationships and never do anything about it..but continue to profess their love for another loser on these forums. Okay September wanted out..I can understand that...but why not leave with some dignity and respect? In your case I'd be a hypocrite to say anything negative..as my spouse is in your shoes..remorseful and regretful! At least you feel something..as opposed to some on here. We live and we learn..no ones perfect. But for the OW/OM and WS's out here who continue to live in the dysfunction and denying their spouses a real life by cheating on them..all I can say is Karma's a bitch! Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 Thank you PP Link to post Share on other sites
September Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 September – I am new here and have been reading your posts for the past month. Your comments resonate with me as I feel we are living a parallel situation. I am still currently married, though, and am contemplating a divorce because like you, I fell in love with someone else and I do not know if I can find that in my H again. My H is also very critical of me and I cannot take it anymore. He will not seek counseling as I have recommended we do that. I too want a calm house for my children and I. I know my H and I would be better friends than marriage partners and I have told him this. How old are your children? Hi, Mrs Jones, So we don't t/j, if you would like to PM me, I am more than happy to answer some of your questions.... Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 I was a BW for many, many years. I, too, get weary about the stereotypes. OWs when their MMs leave them think that everything that was told them were lies. Well, no, in my case, when my exH said there was no sex in our marriage it was true! Was he lonely? yes. Did he feel unloved? yes. He needed everything a partner could give him because he did not get it from me. The only thing was, he did not want to go through a divorce and/or remarry. Link to post Share on other sites
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 I was a BW for many, many years. I, too, get weary about the stereotypes. OWs when their MMs leave them think that everything that was told them were lies. Well, no, in my case, when my exH said there was no sex in our marriage it was true! Was he lonely? yes. Did he feel unloved? yes. He needed everything a partner could give him because he did not get it from me. The only thing was, he did not want to go through a divorce and/or remarry. So why is it you grow weary of the stereotypes if you were basically living the stereotype? Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 So why is it you grow weary of the stereotypes if you were basically living the stereotype? I did not say I got weary of their stereotype of me. I said I got weary of stereotypes-like when OWs are crying about how their MMs never cared and how he lied... Most ( if not all) of the stories my exH ( I am divorced now ) told his OWs (from what I "heard") about our marriage were true! Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I did not say I got weary of their stereotype of me. I said I got weary of stereotypes-like when OWs are crying about how their MMs never cared and how he lied... Most ( if not all) of the stories my exH ( I am divorced now ) told his OWs (from what I "heard") about our marriage were true! It does happen to be true in some cases. But I think the stereotypes that most are decrying have more to do with the character of the BS not the feelings they are claimed to have. Most put out that the BS somehow did things that made it okay to cheat on them. They say the BS is crazy or controlling. I'm sure your H may have said that, but was it true about you. Were you crazy and controlling? Or did you understandably shut down emotionally to a man that did nothing to value you while he cheated repeatedly? One is understandable. The other is a tired cliche. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Another stereotypical "Let her down gently" response I have heard before on LS: The unstable, she will never survive without me....line. This is actually one of my favorite lines from the ws handbook. I mean what ow would not believe that the wife would go nuts when he leaves. The ow is so in love with with "her" married man that of course she eats it all up that the wife would just go insane without this wonderful prize of a man in her life. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 It does happen to be true in some cases. But I think the stereotypes that most are decrying have more to do with the character of the BS not the feelings they are claimed to have. Most put out that the BS somehow did things that made it okay to cheat on them. They say the BS is crazy or controlling. I'm sure your H may have said that, but was it true about you. Were you crazy and controlling? Or did you understandably shut down emotionally to a man that did nothing to value you while he cheated repeatedly? One is understandable. The other is a tired cliche. No, I was not crazy and controlling (and so that was not his line)-but I was very young and inexperienced and then I was just indifferent to his needs. All true. Yet, even to this day (we are divorced) exH still wants a second chance, apparently I am his one true love :rolleyes:-riiight~~~ Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 Well, maybe you are a shrew but I am not prone to violence nor am I ill-tempered. I was in fact, quiet and went about my way without causing much noise. I was not into confrontations nor did I demand explanations for his actions. I am after all, of Japanese upbringing and thus violence or loud obnoxious actions are not part of my make-up. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 (edited) Well, maybe you are a shrew but I am not prone to violence nor am I ill-tempered. I was in fact, quiet and went about my way without causing much noise. I was not into confrontations nor did I demand explanations for his actions. I am after all, of Japanese upbringing and thus violence or loud obnoxious actions are not part of my make-up. I'm not sure why my post that would have appeared above this one was deleted, but it was tongue-in-cheek. The stereotype of the betrayed is that of the "shrew". I was not calling you or anyone else such. There is no need to state the above. Cultural differences made translation of the post difficult. Or, the MOD just decided to do the easy thing and get rid of the post. Either way, it wasn't meant to insult or offend. With that said, its amazing how even with the "shrew stereotype" its amazing that the STBXH/exH always tries to get said shrew back into his life (this is where most people would laugh) ha ha? Edited January 8, 2011 by NoIDidn't Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spark1111 Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 NID.....where did it go????????????????? We have all seen the BS stereotypes: borderline alcoholic, frigid, shrew who is either almost crazy or would dissolve into abject poverty without the WS in our loveless marriages. The other is total doormat: We take back the lying cheating WS no questions asked because we desperately need to hold onto that paycheck and status quo. Both are totally offensive to any intelligent, resourceful woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts