I Grow a Little Weary of Stereotypes RE: BS

[Spark1111]

I can't say if dysfunctional is the right word, but I get why it is being used. In my M, we were both not very happy. Yes, we a great sex life (until I met xMM) but that's all there was. We had grown apart and had very little in common. He spoke to me like crap all the time and appeared to have very little respect for me. The one person that made his life so very comfortable, kept a spotless house, cooked gourmet meals, worked and was fun to be around. Yet it was never enough, nothing was ever enough. I so vividly remember saying to him that one day, someone would come along and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. He laughed and laughed at that statement.

 

Some, and I mean some people, just don't have the b**ls to make a move from the marriage, they stay out of comfort and security. This was a classic example for me. I just couldn't get off my backside and do it. I have seen many stories where couples in their old age had wished they had the nerve to leave their unhappy marriages but instead stayed. Fear of the unknown? Fear of being alone? Fear of change? Financial fears of how they are going to survive especially if they have to raise children as a single parent? Perhaps if they had met someone, someone that made them feel alive again, they too may have gone down that road. You can never say never.

 

For some people, they do come across someone in their life that makes them feel alive and happy again and it's INCREDIBLY hard to deny those feelings and just like East's post, you can see how it happens. I know that it is completely wrong but it happens and the magnetic force is uncontrollable. Two years prior, when I first kissed xMM and felt terrible guilt, I told my xH and he laughed, didn't appear to care less! In a way, that laugh gave me the green light to go ahead. Why not? He didn't seem to care or want to fight for the relationship.

 

After D-Day, my xH decides that he does love me and wants to change his ways. Unfortunately, it was too little too late. A few years prior, we had tried MC but he just wasn't interested. The MC told him that he was so inflexible. I know he will never change, this is why I have no interest in reconciling the M.

 

So, I suppose what I am saying is, maybe one party in the marriage is very unhappy but can't and won't voice it to their partner out of fear. They like me, don't have the b**ls to move away from the relationship first. Change can be a very scary thing...

 

Very, very honest September! Thank you.

 

I was you in the marriage. I have ALWAYS stated I am amazed I did not have an affair, separation or divorce.

 

What did I do? Kept trying to drag the incorrigible, inflexible spouse to water, only I could not make him............think!

 

Worked three jobs when he was out of work. Then, when he finally lands back on his feet with a new, prestigious, high-pressured job, I thank God we have finally turned a corner and all will finally be well.

 

Guess what? He starts to blame me for the bad years....and then crashes into her who never knew he was a down and out deadbeat for five previous years. She validates and flatters him and tells him he is oh so wonderful.

 

My resentment was huge. You can understand why, certainly.

 

She hates me till this day. She believed I was a horrible spouse who did not appreciate him.

 

Look, if love is an ACTION, there was nothing I did not do to support that man.

 

He did not have the ballz to leave me, so I threw him out, with the full support of family (his) and friends, (ours) and our young adult children.

 

No one could believe his delusion; his betrayal of us to have his affair; the mindset he needed to justify his actions; the anger he needed to project on us to validate his actions.

 

Out of the 100 people we knew, not one could even fathom his actions. Except his OW who did not know "us" or our family, our friends, our community from Adam.....

 

Only what she had been told by a very depressed, mid-life crisising man who needed to re-invent himself as an escape from personal and professional failures HE blamed himself for, but projected on me.

 

Hence, the title of this thread: I grow so weary of the stereotypes re: the BS.

[September]

Very, very honest September! Thank you.

 

I was you in the marriage. I have ALWAYS stated I am amazed I did not have an affair, separation or divorce.

 

What did I do? Kept trying to drag the incorrigible, inflexible spouse to water, only I could not make him............think!

 

Worked three jobs when he was out of work. Then, when he finally lands back on his feet with a new, prestigious, high-pressured job, I thank God we have finally turned a corner and all will finally be well.

 

Guess what? He starts to blame me for the bad years....and then crashes into her who never knew he was a down and out deadbeat for five previous years. She validates and flatters him and tells him he is oh so wonderful.

 

My resentment was huge. You can understand why, certainly.

 

She hates me till this day. She believed I was a horrible spouse who did not appreciate him.

 

Look, if love is an ACTION, there was nothing I did not do to support that man.

 

He did not have the ballz to leave me, so I threw him out, with the full support of family (his) and friends, (ours) and our young adult children.

 

No one could believe his delusion; his betrayal of us to have his affair; the mindset he needed to justify his actions; the anger he needed to project on us to validate his actions.

 

Out of the 100 people we knew, not one could even fathom his actions. Except his OW who did not know "us" or our family, our friends, our community from Adam.....

 

Only what she had been told by a very depressed, mid-life crisising man who needed to re-invent himself as an escape from personal and professional failures HE blamed himself for, but projected on me.

 

Hence, the title of this thread: I grow so weary of the stereotypes re: the BS.

 

Thanks, Spark...

 

Look, she can and will believe what she wants to believe. You, your genuine friends and family are the one's the only matter.

 

My xMM didn't put the blame on his W for his A, he took full responsibility for it.

 

I don't hate his W, I am envious. She is with the man that I love and that I thought loved me.

 

It's just a really, horrible mess that is left behind for ALL parties involved

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Very, very honest September! Thank you.

 

I was you in the marriage. I have ALWAYS stated I am amazed I did not have an affair, separation or divorce.

 

What did I do? Kept trying to drag the incorrigible, inflexible spouse to water, only I could not make him............think!

 

Worked three jobs when he was out of work. Then, when he finally lands back on his feet with a new, prestigious, high-pressured job, I thank God we have finally turned a corner and all will finally be well.

 

Guess what? He starts to blame me for the bad years....and then crashes into her who never knew he was a down and out deadbeat for five previous years. She validates and flatters him and tells him he is oh so wonderful.

 

My resentment was huge. You can understand why, certainly.

 

She hates me till this day. She believed I was a horrible spouse who did not appreciate him.

 

Look, if love is an ACTION, there was nothing I did not do to support that man.

 

He did not have the ballz to leave me, so I threw him out, with the full support of family (his) and friends, (ours) and our young adult children.

 

No one could believe his delusion; his betrayal of us to have his affair; the mindset he needed to justify his actions; the anger he needed to project on us to validate his actions.

 

Out of the 100 people we knew, not one could even fathom his actions. Except his OW who did not know "us" or our family, our friends, our community from Adam.....

 

Only what she had been told by a very depressed, mid-life crisising man who needed to re-invent himself as an escape from personal and professional failures HE blamed himself for, but projected on me.

 

Hence, the title of this thread: I grow so weary of the stereotypes re: the BS.

 

Awesome post Spark.

 

I do believe its a dysfunction in the WS not the marriage or the damn poor BS who doesnt even have a choice in the matter!

 

The OW/OM play a huge factor to the dysfunction as well..whether they admit it or not!

 

I really don't understand the thrill of sharing MY man with another woman (his wife may I add)..but hey thats me! I respect myself!

 

Which also plays in the stereotypes as well. Then again..when people learn of affairs and other women/men..what stereotypes are there for them? I can name a zillion of them that would have me banned for good!

 

In either case..I'll say the ws is acting in a dysfunctional manner because the other person involved is in a way contributing to all the dysfunction..and lies that they feed them.

 

If someone was so unhappy and had a relationship with me on the side...why in the world would I want this guy who can't even control his life and marriage? What example can he possibly be showing me in having some sort of "FUNCTIONAL" future and life with him???? I don't get it!

[September]

why in the world would I want this guy who can't even control his life and marriage? What example can he possibly be showing me in having some sort of "FUNCTIONAL" future and life with him???? I don't get it!

 

I suppose this is why some OW question why the BS stays with their WS. Perhaps neither the BS or OP should be with them until the WS can work out what on earth they are doing with their lives...

[datura_noir]

In answer to the original topic, yes I grow weary of the presumption that the marriage is dysfunctional (alluded fault being given to the BS), therefore the WS just happened to meet someone better, because the marriage (ie, BS) was the problem.

 

I've been around on this earth for over 40 years. Every marriage I have seen has dysfunction. People are dysfunctional, so it's a given that their relationships will have that same level of angst. Mine is no different.

 

But I feel comfortable and at home sharing my dysfunction with someone long-term. Someone I want to grow old with. Because, no matter who I am with, I will still be me. Like it or not.

 

A marriage is not a dating experience; a chance to see if it "will work out". It is a statement to all saying "I have found who I want to be with, through better or worse, sickness and health". Abuse and adultery are solid grounds for dissolving that union (as in the case of my first marriage).

 

I have forgiven my H and the OW for the affair, I made the choice to reconcile and move on. He's not with me for kids, guilt, finances or any thing other than love and history and bonding. But we still have issues. Although when I step back, they look like Lucy/Ricky Ricardo type stuff, rather than life-altering, marriage destroying stuff.

 

I think we have a better chance of a happy life TOGETHER than either of us would apart. He's my buddy, my cohort in crime, my lover.

[turnstone]

I suppose this is why some OW question why the BS stays with their WS. Perhaps neither the BS or OP should be with them until the WS can work out what on earth they are doing with their lives...

 

Because at one time the BS experienced a wholesome relationship with his/her spouse and knows what it, and their partner can be like.

 

The OW don't often seem to realise this, infact I can't recall seeing an OW ever admitting it.

[September]

Because at one time the BS experienced a wholesome relationship with his/her spouse and knows what it, and their partner can be like.

 

The OW don't often seem to realise this, infact I can't recall seeing an OW ever admitting it.

 

Well, I for one being an xOW will admit it. I had a great relationship for many years with my xH, then things changed. For anyone to assume that their AP didn't have a great relationship with their partner years prior is insane! Why on earth would people marry if they weren't in love? I know that in some cultures marriage is for different reasons but for most in Western society, people marry because they forsee a wonderful happy life with the person they love! BUT people change, circustances change, home pressures, financial pressures blah blah blah, you know the drill.

 

"why in the world would I want this guy who can't even control his life and marriage? What example can he possibly be showing me in having some sort of "FUNCTIONAL" future and life with him????

 

I responded to this because it appeared PP asked why an OW would want to accept this behaviour from their AP when in fact some BS's are happy to accept the same behaviour from their WS.

 

I may be wrong but this is how I interpreted the post.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Because at one time the BS experienced a wholesome relationship with his/her spouse and knows what it, and their partner can be like.

 

The OW don't often seem to realise this, infact I can't recall seeing an OW ever admitting it.

 

 

Exactly! This isnt a one or two year relationship we're talking about here. We're talking decades...and suddenly the OW know much more about this person than his "significant" (yes we truly are) spouse? What a load of BS!

[turnstone]

Sure September, I realise why you said it, I was just pointing out what you apparently already know - The BS is hanging on because once he could handle his life and marriage. Pre-affair. The OW, by the very definition of what an OW is, will never have known him in that way. Oh, unless she was his wife way back before he got married to his current BS, which begs the question why they got divorced if they were so great together. But that's another thread....... actually, many other threads.

 

Oh and I don't think 'happy' is an appropriate word to use when referring to the BS working through the affair, I think from what I've seen here, sceptical and wary, but willing to give it a try because of their shared past and relationship, is more fitting.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Well, I for one being an xOW will admit it. I had a great relationship for many years with my xH, then things changed. For anyone to assume that their AP didn't have a great relationship with their partner years prior is insane! Really? Because a few posts ago you responded that your X treated you like crap?And that you BOTH were very unhappy. And for you to assume that a ws and his wife don't have a good relationship is just as insane! Why on earth would people marry if they weren't in love? I know that in some cultures marriage is for different reasons but for most in Western society, people marry because they forsee a wonderful happy life with the person they love! BUT people change, circustances change, home pressures, financial pressures blah blah blah, you know the drill.

 

"why in the world would I want this guy who can't even control his life and marriage? What example can he possibly be showing me in having some sort of "FUNCTIONAL" future and life with him????

 

I responded to this because it appeared PP asked why an OW would want to accept this behaviour from their AP when in fact some BS's are happy to accept the same behaviour from their WS.

 

I may be wrong but this is how I interpreted the post.

 

 

Hardly! We don't accept *****! We accept the person we fell in love with..the one we built our lives with..the ones we had children with..the ones we have many and many years of history with. We learn to reconcile because some of us believe that this was definately a life altering occurence in their lives...not because we are some pushovers who can't get a man anywhere else. We tell them this will never happen again..and if it does he's so gone out that door he won't even know what hit him! You make it seem like its so easy to take back a cheater...like BS'S are blind fools or something! Hardly!

 

We NEVER accept this type of behavior or betrayal...but we can learn to deal and work through it if our relationship improves and we gain what we lost prior to the affair! All relationships have their up and down moments. In my case..my spouse never fell in love or ever said I love you to the other woman...which doesnt make things any better..but it does in a sense give me peace of mind that he could venture off just like that and fall in love with someone else.

 

He has shown me many reasons and proves to me day in and day out why we should be together...and for now..I'm taking it one day at a time. No decision has been made! I know he loves me...and thats enough for now!

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Sure September, I realise why you said it, I was just pointing out what you apparently already know - The BS is hanging on because once he could handle his life and marriage. Pre-affair. The OW, by the very definition of what an OW is, will never have known him in that way. Oh, unless she was his wife way back before he got married to his current BS, which begs the question why they got divorced if they were so great together. But that's another thread....... actually, many other threads.

 

Oh and I don't think 'happy' is an appropriate word to use when referring to the BS working through the affair, I think from what I've seen here, sceptical and wary, but willing to give it a try because of their shared past and relationship, is more fitting.

 

This is very very true! We didnt enter the relationship knowing they were involved with someone else. Had we known they would betray us down the road...just like if September knew her husband would treat her like crap...we never would've even have bothered to begin with. But years later...a home..kids..a life with your spouse..and love...you believe this is it...nothing to worry about right?

 

Happy is definately an inappropriate word to use for a BS working through the affair. Was your husband happy to work through your affair September? Was he happy his wife was out screwing some dude? Was he happy that you couldn't give him the time or day to work on your marriage? I hardly think so!

 

In either case we base our reconciliation on our past with these men...and how things can build for the future. Your basing a future with a MM and only "assuming" his past with his wife and family!

 

And like turnstone said..the MM and his wife DID have a wholesome relationship with their wives and some point..whether you want to believe it or not. I would believe it in your case though...as he has made his decision loud and clear!

[Spark1111]

It took a long time for wary and sceptical to hit for me.

 

Anger, rage, betrayal, devastation poured out from the depths of my soul for a long, long time.

 

I kept throwing him out, telling him to go be with his soulmate. Of course, he never told her that.

 

Developing feelings for another did not hurt half as much as lying to my face for 1.5 years....while I worked two jobs, managed the kids, the house, the bills the extended family as he is garnering all this sympathy from his OW.

 

He begged, cried, pleaded, stalked.....to reconcile.

 

Happy? A glimmer of happy took a long, long time to arrive. I put the man through hell to prove he was worthy of a second chance. Do you think he could EVER tell this to his fOW? After setting a scenario of how unhappy he was in the marriage with me?

 

Of course not.

 

He had to return for the sake of the children, or, he had to give the M one more try.

 

Another stereotype, unfortunately.

[turnstone]

It took a long time for wary and sceptical to hit for me.

 

Anger, rage, betrayal, devastation poured out from the depths of my soul for a long, long time.

 

Sure, I was referring to when the BS has decided to try to work through the affair repercussions. That doesn't seem to happen until well after the feelings you describe have been contained at least. I never got there myself, the closest was probably my feelings of revulsion turning to pity.

[turnstone]

He had to return for the sake of the children, or, he had to give the M one more try.

 

Another stereotype, unfortunately.

 

Ohohohohoh! This has reminded me of something my exH said that I can't believe I forgot! After my first confrontation of his OW (plural), he told them I was mentally unstable and he couldn't leave me 'just incase'.

 

Shows how far I've come that I can laugh now (albeit in a slightly hysterical way )

[Spark1111]

Ohohohohoh! This has reminded me of something my exH said that I can't believe I forgot! After my first confrontation of his OW (plural), he told them I was mentally unstable and he couldn't leave me 'just incase'.

 

Shows how far I've come that I can laugh now (albeit in a slightly hysterical way )

 

Another stereotypical "Let her down gently" response I have heard before on LS: The unstable, she will never survive without me....line.

[Spark1111]

I suppose this is why some OW question why the BS stays with their WS. Perhaps neither the BS or OP should be with them until the WS can work out what on earth they are doing with their lives...

 

This...I totally agree with!

 

The OW feels the devastation of losing her AP........and continues contact.

 

The spouse may have a knee-jerk reaction to losing a H, father of her children, provider......and continues contact IF she isn't heading immediately to a divorce lawyer.

 

I think BOTH women or men should let the MAP twist in the wind a bit and grow up and make a decision and commit to it.

[September]

You make it seem like its so easy to take back a cheater...like BS'S are blind fools or something! Hardly!

 

This unforunately is where you have misinterpreted my comment. I have never stated that it is easy to take back a WS.

 

If that WS decided to end his marriage and go back to the OW after flip flopping, that OW would have the same reservations and insecurities the BS has had when trying to reconcile.

 

Really? Because a few posts ago you responded that your X treated you like crap?And that you BOTH were very unhappy. And for you to assume that a ws and his wife don't have a good relationship is just as insane!

 

Now this is just slinging mud. I was with my xH for 18 years. The first 5 or so years of our M lives were great! BUT as I stated, things changed, circumstances, financial pressures etc, he didn't know how to deal with it other than take everything out on me. Initially, our marriage was a big strong boulder and over the years his constant behaviour chipped and chipped away at that boulder until all we were left with was pebbles. Don't get me wrong, he is not totally to blame but he didn't try to do anything to help keep it together even when there was trouble brewing. He didn't fight for the marriage until someone else came along and by then it was too late. For many years I tried to keep us together and him happy.

 

I also know that my xMM and his W did have a great loving relationship, why on earth would he have married her if they didn't? They weren't forced to marry! Like my situation, things also changed and they too grew apart. Now, he is back home trying to fix all that was broken. Whether it was solely him or a mixture of both, they will only know and it's up to them how they will best deal with it.

[September]

Happy is definately an inappropriate word to use for a BS working through the affair. Was your husband happy to work through your affair September? Was he happy his wife was out screwing some dude? Was he happy that you couldn't give him the time or day to work on your marriage? I hardly think so!

 

 

I don't believe he was 'happy' to find out about the A but as I have stated prior, I did all I could to try and keep the M together. You and other doubters on this board, have no idea of the effort I put into my M over the years to save it, only those closest to me know and to assume I didn't give a s**t about it is pretty low. After many, many years, I gave up the fight. It's pretty hard when you only have one person fighting to keep it together.

 

I am sorry if I used the wrong expression here, it just rolled of as I was typing. Perhaps you could insert the word that best describes the situation so I don't make a mistake and get my head bitten off...

 

In either case we base our reconciliation on our past with these men...and how things can build for the future. Your basing a future with a MM and only "assuming" his past with his wife and family!

 

Yes, you are correct BUT in a long term A, you do get to know your AP pretty well. All situations are different people cannot assume all A's are the same. I imagine you have made close friends over the years. There are many things that you learn about your friends, things that other people don't know including their partners and it isn't always sinister.

 

And like turnstone said..the MM and his wife DID have a wholesome relationship with their wives and some point..whether you want to believe it or not. I would believe it in your case though...as he has made his decision loud and clear!

 

As I have stated over and over, prior to an A, people can and do have great marriages/relationships! I don't know why you this is being contorted..

 

And yes, he has made it loud and clear by returning home, they are trying to rebuild and make their M stronge than ever. For me? My M isn't worth saving...I fell in love with someone else, I can't find that again with my xH and I know that he will never change...

[September]

This...I totally agree with!

 

The OW feels the devastation of losing her AP........and continues contact.

 

The spouse may have a knee-jerk reaction to losing a H, father of her children, provider......and continues contact IF she isn't heading immediately to a divorce lawyer.

 

I think BOTH women or men should let the MAP twist in the wind a bit and grow up and make a decision and commit to it.

 

 

I really appreciate the way you keep such an open mind. What I admire about you is the way you seek to learn not seek to criticise. Nothing in life is ever black or white.

 

Thank you again Spark for your brilliant response. You are truly, one special Lady

[wheelwright]

Awesome post Spark.

 

I do believe its a dysfunction in the WS not the marriage or the damn poor BS who doesnt even have a choice in the matter!

 

The OW/OM play a huge factor to the dysfunction as well..whether they admit it or not!

 

I really don't understand the thrill of sharing MY man with another woman (his wife may I add)..but hey thats me! I respect myself!

 

Which also plays in the stereotypes as well. Then again..when people learn of affairs and other women/men..what stereotypes are there for them? I can name a zillion of them that would have me banned for good!

 

 

In either case..I'll say the ws is acting in a dysfunctional manner because the other person involved is in a way contributing to all the dysfunction..and lies that they feed them.

 

If someone was so unhappy and had a relationship with me on the side...why in the world would I want this guy who can't even control his life and marriage? What example can he possibly be showing me in having some sort of "FUNCTIONAL" future and life with him???? I don't get it!

 

 

That's not how it felt.

 

When I did that, in honesty I felt he was mine. As in the love of my life.

 

I know. Dumb.

 

Just another's OW's POV.

[silktricks]

I didn't come even close to reading this whole thread. I did, however, want to add - based on what I did read - it's my humble opinion (based solely upon my own experience) that MM want everyone to think the best of them. So, they go back to their wives and tell them what they think they "want" to hear, while they tell their mistresses they are going back for whatever reason they feel will sound best to the mistress. Meanwhile, whatever they are doing (and usually it's trying their best to fix their badly busted marriage) is exactly whatever works best for the person who is first and foremost in their own view... themselves

[PortuguesePrincess80]

This unforunately is where you have misinterpreted my comment. I have never stated that it is easy to take back a WS.

 

If that WS decided to end his marriage and go back to the OW after flip flopping, that OW would have the same reservations and insecurities the BS has had when trying to reconcile.

The only difference is...the OW knew what she was getting involved with to begin with! A cheater/liar! Where as the BS didn't know she was getting cheated on...Big Diff to me!

 

 

 

Now this is just slinging mud. I was with my xH for 18 years. The first 5 or so years of our M lives were great! BUT as I stated, things changed, circumstances, financial pressures etc, he didn't know how to deal with it other than take everything out on me. Initially, our marriage was a big strong boulder and over the years his constant behaviour chipped and chipped away at that boulder until all we were left with was pebbles. Don't get me wrong, he is not totally to blame but he didn't try to do anything to help keep it together even when there was trouble brewing. He didn't fight for the marriage until someone else came along and by then it was too late. For many years I tried to keep us together and him happy.

 

I also know that my xMM and his W did have a great loving relationship, why on earth would he have married her if they didn't? They weren't forced to marry! Like my situation, things also changed and they too grew apart. Now, he is back home trying to fix all that was broken. Whether it was solely him or a mixture of both, they will only know and it's up to them how they will best deal with it.

 

Sorry I just don't see why if you were so unhappy in your marriage why you just didn't leave to begin with.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I don't believe he was 'happy' to find out about the A but as I have stated prior, I did all I could to try and keep the M together. You and other doubters on this board, have no idea of the effort I put into my M over the years to save it, only those closest to me know and to assume I didn't give a s**t about it is pretty low. Sorry but low is the way you acted! Low is being in unhappy relationship for years...and the only way of addressing the R issues is by cheating. Low is not having any remorse or regret for doing this to your husband and your children. I can go on and on why you have made many LOW decisions...kind of hypocritical of you to say people who assume to know you (which I certainly do not) would be low..considering your the only one who made all the low choices!After many, many years, I gave up the fight. It's pretty hard when you only have one person fighting to keep it together. You gave up the fight in the most disrespectful way. You gave up by entering an affair.

 

I am sorry if I used the wrong expression here, it just rolled of as I was typing. Perhaps you could insert the word that best describes the situation so I don't make a mistake and get my head bitten off...

 

 

 

Yes, you are correct BUT in a long term A, you do get to know your AP pretty well. All situations are different people cannot assume all A's are the same. I imagine you have made close friends over the years. There are many things that you learn about your friends, things that other people don't know including their partners and it isn't always sinister.

Yes...I agree with this. But I also tend to think with you being married and your xap being married...that would limit a whole lot of contact except for the lets get down to business sort of deal. I can see if you were perhaps single..and invested every waking hour on him..but you didn't..cause obviously you had your own life to deal with correct? I am trying to see this through your perspective...but I know if I were in your shoes...just finding the time to make my affair partner my world..my long lost love..would simply be impossibly with my schedule and my family! I guess with your H treating you like crap you invested in the OM emotionally correct? How about your children though? Did you think you neglected them?

 

 

As I have stated over and over, prior to an A, people can and do have great marriages/relationships! I don't know why you this is being contorted..

 

And yes, he has made it loud and clear by returning home, they are trying to rebuild and make their M stronge than ever. For me? My M isn't worth saving...I fell in love with someone else, I can't find that again with my xH and I know that he will never change...

 

Okay so do you have any regrets for cheating on your husband at all?

[September]

Okay so do you have any regrets for cheating on your husband at all?

 

No, I have NO regrets, whatsoever!

 

In fact, my xH and I get along better now than we ever have! On occassion, he sleeps over with the children at my place, the children are doing better in school than they have ever done. They sing and laugh all the time and we have a lovely, calm, happy household! AND they have never asked us to try and get back together because they know that we are better apart. They also know about my A. So, if my children can forgive me for what I did (and to be honest they barely bat an eyelid) and my xH and I are great friends now, that is all that matters to me.

 

BTW, I spent more time with my xAP than anyone will ever know and no, it did not ever affect my relationship with my children. Where there is a will and love, there is a way.

Edited December 31, 2010 by September

[Mrs. Jones]

I too wonder how the WS chooses to stay in their M, especially after a lengthy A. I have searched other forums to find how the H/MM feels about going back to the W after a long affair and if he is actually able to commit to it emotionally after loving someone else. In a longer A the "fog" is gone and there is the reality of a relationship, where love and friendship have been shared, albeit not too publicly. A shorter term A, I would think would be easier for the BS and the WS to recover from, though still painful. I have to believe, not that there is dysfunction, but something is amiss for a spouse to step outside. I know I would not have ventured into an A had my M been fulfilling, and had there not been a dday, my xMM and I would still be carrying on.

 

September – I am new here and have been reading your posts for the past month. Your comments resonate with me as I feel we are living a parallel situation. I am still currently married, though, and am contemplating a divorce because like you, I fell in love with someone else and I do not know if I can find that in my H again. My H is also very critical of me and I cannot take it anymore. He will not seek counseling as I have recommended we do that. I too want a calm house for my children and I. I know my H and I would be better friends than marriage partners and I have told him this. How old are your children?

 

Wheelwright – you are another poster here that I can relate to. I enjoy reading what your thoughts are on the various topics.

 

I hope to someday post my story here as I am still recovering from my 26 month A, and the support here on LS is amazing.