email from ex- do i respond.

[andrew23]

Hi everyone,

 

My ex just sent me an email after 2 months NC.

The email is friendly and polite, saying:

I have been thinking of you, work has been crazy, all is well, sorry i havent been in touch, would love to see you in the new year, have a wonderful xmas, send love to all family, wishing you all the best for 2011, xxx, etc. basically quite boring and generic.. but sweet and insecure in a way.

Nothing relating to our relationship or anything.

Is this the first step to start communication?

Is it just a polite xmas email?

Do I respond, and if so what? I still love her and want her back more than anything!!!

I had tears in my eyes when i read it because it was saying...nothing really, but a female friend told me it was extremely good as it was the first step back, and it is a girls way of taking "baby steps" to get closer to me.

Not sure what to think or do...

perhaps a confident cool and sweet response? Don't want to ignore her as I will seem bitter and depressed.

please help with suggestions! Thanks

[Movingthrough]

I know everyone will chime in here soon but I would say respond with something calm and cool, I would not make it long or anything crazy.

[IfiKnewThen]

i agree with the above post. i would say something small but positive back. look life is short. i wish i didnt hold back as much as i did with someone. now 2 days ago he got married. please dont wait too long.

[soleharmony1123]

I agree with the other posters. It's not going to hurt to respond to her, but keep it brief & polite.

[andrew23]

another girl- friend told me i should respond in a cool way, and not expect a response. Something sweet and short, that will keep her guessing.

I agree, life is short! I want to marry this girl and want to fight for her, but its just a question of how...

Playing games and becoming elusive might do something.

I know I should stick to NC, but you are right Life is to short - i don't want to regret not having given everything to have my love back in my heart- just need to be carefull how its approached.

Its worth it even if i fall flat on my face. She is to precious to loose over pride.

[soleharmony1123]

Andrew23, you may want to ponder a bit further on whether you really are willing to fall flat on your face for your ex.

 

I remember when LS'ers were advising me of the need to go complete NC with my ex because he would call and say he wanted to see how I was doing or he'd make up some reason to call me, then for awhile he kept stringing me along, sending mixed signals, blowing hot and cold. Finally, it sunk in how important NC was. For the past 4 months, I went strict NC. I've been reading every book that has appealed to me regarding relationships, lost self-esteem, self-confidence. Everything I can get my hands on. I didn't answer one phone call from my ex. There were many. I am so much more balanced and confident and my overall attitude about the breakup is that it's his loss, truly.

 

You really don't want to spend a lot of your valuable time trying to convince this woman of how great you are (and I'm sure you're a terrific person). She already knows.

 

You should stick to NC. Game-playing won't get her back. As someone reminded me sometime ago on another site, "the problem with playing games is there is a winner and a loser." Don't take that risk.

 

You're absolutely correct! Life is too short...too short to have regrets about acting too soon in this situation.

 

Time is a critical element.

 

 

another girl- friend told me i should respond in a cool way, and not expect a response. Something sweet and short, that will keep her guessing.

I agree, life is short! I want to marry this girl and want to fight for her, but its just a question of how...

Playing games and becoming elusive might do something.

I know I should stick to NC, but you are right Life is to short - i don't want to regret not having given everything to have my love back in my heart- just need to be carefull how its approached.

Its worth it even if i fall flat on my face. She is to precious to loose over pride.

[GreenPolicy]

I think Andrew should ascertain right up front why she is contacting him. If it's anything short of what you want (reconciliation), then tell her that you have respected her decision to end the relationship and she needs to respect your decision for NC.

 

This sounds promising, but you cannot assume that she wants to get back together. I don't know that I'll ever hear from my ex again, but I've been told that to be suspicious if I do hear from her.

 

For all you know, she's been in a rebound situation that went sour, she just wants her guilt eased for dumping you, she wants you around in her life as an option until the next guy shows up, etc. Don't assume anything. I think it's worth contacting back, but have your guard up.

 

Don't get your hopes up. Don't be a doormat. She left you, not the other way around. If she wants back in your life, it's on your terms and not hers. Be clear and up front about what it is you want, and if you're not on the same page, then end the contact. Good luck.

[durkadurka]

I wouldn't bother saying anything at all, from what I have learned a lot of women like to pretend they still deserve being close to you and sharing personal details.. this isn't the case.

 

Treat her like you would anyone else you haven't seen in two months, and not respond.

[carhill]

Here's why you don't respond:

 

I had tears in my eyes when i read it because it was saying

When you can open such a note and not respond that way, but rather with indifference, then textually/verbally respond as appropriate. I told a lot of strangers 'happy holidays' and 'merry Christmas' as I traveled across the country yesterday. Who they were didn't matter. That's instructive. Good luck and happy holidays

[IfiKnewThen]

andrew..i am the one who said life is short. i agree its good to find out her intention..feel her out like said in the post above.

 

but i want to add something. my ex i think really tried to make positive contact with me that i deemed as negative and with a motive and now i am certain i was wrong.

 

he just got married now 2 days ago. so i am here to tell you this.....take it as positive. go with the positive. be happy feel happy..transfer that feeling on to her and your situation. be loving be kind. its always the higher road and you will know that way you tried everything. DONT play games. its one thing to be a little elusive in the beginning if you feel you have to to bait her in . IN the very beginning. BUT you dont need to do that. she contacted you and talks about you being in the new year. so go with that. dont keep being elusive...that makes insecurity and anger and being upset as well as mystery..and that get old and is harmful to a good healthy relationship. andrew i can tell you have heart. use it. yeah it might break. but i think better chances it wont if you can just be a good person...you can win her heart. thats just my opinion. i pray for successes. and then take care of each other.

[carhill]

So, OP, you're in love with her and were dumped. Now her greener pastures aren't working out and the electrons have started for the Cheer's effect. Makes you feel everyone knows your name, right? It's intoxicating, that way females tug at your heart strings. You feel so alone, don't you? Yep. The holidays are the perfect reason, aren't they? Yep. It all seems so, well, perfect. Go through this process as many times as I have in my 51 and you'll, over time, develop a perspective on it. Love deeply and let go completely. Accept the results. If she was knocking at your door with that special look in her eyes saying she wanted to work on the relationship she threw away when dumping you, then I'd say listen. Anything else is electrons.

 

My apologies if she didn't dump you but your OP sounded like she did. Here's what I'm basing my replies on, from your first thread on LS:

 

A few years ago my ex broke up with me after a very passionate relationship of 6 months.. she broke it off saying she was confused, not ready for commitment, etc. I backed down, heartbroken.

About 2 months later I started dating a very cute girl, and as soon as she found out she cam running back.. we went out for 2 years and she left me for another guy.

[rhonian]

Andrew, what great news, Congrats! Apparently your NC has worked. You have given me hope. As for contacting her, noone knows better about your relationship with this girl and the type girl she is. Based on what Ive been reading, IMO you should definitely respond but give it some time before you do (make her wait). Then when you do respond, say something like "sorry for getting back to you late but my life has been crazy-busy, thanks for thinking of me and have a good CHRISTmas yourself". Stay, general and no questions.

 

Theres no question over the 2month NC she as definitely had you on her mind. That is extremely positive. I think some of the othe replies have forgotten that you love this girl and you want to be with her not punish her.

 

.....my 2cents.

[vandelay]

I think you should wait a day or two and respond with something short, calm, and collected. I'm kind of scared for you that this may turn into a cat and mouse game. But then again I'm pretty cynical these days!

[soleharmony1123]

I apologize for the oversight. I guess I was quoting Andrew quoting you.

 

 

 

andrew..i am the one who said life is short. i agree its good to find out her intention..feel her out like said in the post above.

 

but i want to add something. my ex i think really tried to make positive contact with me that i deemed as negative and with a motive and now i am certain i was wrong.

 

he just got married now 2 days ago. so i am here to tell you this.....take it as positive. go with the positive. be happy feel happy..transfer that feeling on to her and your situation. be loving be kind. its always the higher road and you will know that way you tried everything. DONT play games. its one thing to be a little elusive in the beginning if you feel you have to to bait her in . IN the very beginning. BUT you dont need to do that. she contacted you and talks about you being in the new year. so go with that. dont keep being elusive...that makes insecurity and anger and being upset as well as mystery..and that get old and is harmful to a good healthy relationship. andrew i can tell you have heart. use it. yeah it might break. but i think better chances it wont if you can just be a good person...you can win her heart. thats just my opinion. i pray for successes. and then take care of each other.

[Eddie Edirol]

DO NOT RESPOND! She is not working her way to wanting you back. She is just feeling guilty about dumping you and is just curious about you. Once you answer her she will know that you are waiting for her, and she will go away again leaving you empty. If she really wanted to start something again she would say it. If she really intended a reconciliation, she would say "lets try again". Wait for that email. Do not respond. Let her know that you dont need her. I was in your same boat , my ex kept texting me, every week, and i was waiting for her to say she wanted to try again, and it never came. It dragged on for months and I finally had to ignore her. Dont answer the email. If she really wants to try again, she will make it clear. Dont fall for ambiguous messages thinking you will ruin your chances. There are no chances. Whatever turned her off about you, she wont get it back this quickly. let her think youve moved on. Let her feel the guilt of bieng ignored.

[rhonian]

Andrew, its not a game. You love this girl and you want her back. She IS NOT going to automatically after 2 months NC say "Lets try again!" not without feeling you out to find out where you are with her. She will not put herself in that vulnerable state and be rejected right now.

 

1) Respond but make her wait.

2) KISS = Keep It Short n Simple.

3) Wait again for her to act on your reply.

4) Respond once and once only.

 

I think I noticed something, I could be wrong, but most guys are telling you DONT RESPOND and most girls are telling you RESPOND. Whats that tell you. The women want to be responded to! Your choice, be smart and think this thru.

[IfiKnewThen]

i just want to say that i cant help feeling that not all of us want to come out and say i want you! or i am ready to go back with you and dismiss all that bothered them about you/us.

 

 

how many are too proud to say i want you back? or i want you back but i wish you would change? it may not be that they have to bang down the door asking for you back. what if you didnt deserve it. merely being hurt doesnt make us deserve it.

 

sometimes they are feeling you out or want an ego boast. yes. but its a gamble. i would rather find out and think from the more positve angel and risk getting hurt than to have missed the chance.

 

i really think the person i loved ..wanted to get back but knew i had to do the homework and didnt trust i would or could do it. sadly for both of us..(especially me) i would have . i walked on egg shells with him too ..because when you get dumped like burnt in a fire you back off. its natural. but sometimes it's not a fire...and its ok to get close enuff to feel the wramth again without thinking its a burn.

 

 

osrry i just lost someone near and dear to me feel like a death and worse. and i feel like i did the killing by not being better while in the relationship. so please everyone out there treat each other good. especially those you love. thats all i want to say. sorry lengthy

[IfiKnewThen]

ps i agree with rhonian. i get good vibes about this one too.

[carhill]

Here's a guy tip. What women *want* isn't always what they're *attracted to*. This is evidenced by the same lady dumping the OP *twice*, the second time for another man, showing she had interest in someone else while in a two year relationship with the OP. There's a good possibility that she cheated, if not physically, then emotionally, prior to dumping him. She's no vulnerable chickie who needs to be coddled and woo'ed. She's a seasoned professional, expert at getting what she wants from men. She gamed him once when she 'came running back'; people who do not respect and learn from history are destined to repeat it

[Eddie Edirol]

Here's a guy tip. What women *want* isn't always what they're *attracted to*. This is evidenced by the same lady dumping the OP *twice*, the second time for another man, showing she had interest in someone else while in a two year relationship with the OP. There's a good possibility that she cheated, if not physically, then emotionally, prior to dumping him. She's no vulnerable chickie who needs to be coddled and woo'ed. She's a seasoned professional, expert at getting what she wants from men. She gamed him once when she 'came running back'; people who do not respect and learn from history are destined to repeat it

 

Carhill please spell it out for the OP, he needs to ignore the ex so he doesnt get gamed and dumped a third time....

[carhill]

It's his time now. He must go through what awaits him. Only he can walk his path. He's read a wide variety of perspective. I hope it helped him.

[Am4Real]

What is the purpose of the communication?

 

Ask yourself that?

 

Based on what you wrote we have no real idea do we? We have plenty of theories from lots of experienced members and others, but no one really knows.

 

Why don’t we know then? Simply because she didn’t state it – it was a letter written with so much generic blah, blah there was not a clear point.

 

Without such clarity you would be best to consider it what we call “communication bait”. In other words it was written to not offend you and see if you will communicate with her. If you want to play along be my guest, just be very prepared for the unexpected consequences of game playing…there are definitely winners and losers!

 

However, if you want to determine what she wants or perhaps the hope of what you want then don’t respond. If she tries again with a “did you get my message” -- don’t respond to it. Do not respond until she opens up and makes a move towards you that you (and we) can clearly understand as a wish for reconciliation.

 

Anytime you have to read between the lines or guess you are more likely to be wrong than right finding yourself the loser of the game you decided to play. Skip the game stuff and be ready for a real relationshiop when it presents itself.

[andrew23]

Andrew, its not a game. You love this girl and you want her back. She IS NOT going to automatically after 2 months NC say "Lets try again!" not without feeling you out to find out where you are with her. She will not put herself in that vulnerable state and be rejected right now.

 

1) Respond but make her wait.

2) KISS = Keep It Short n Simple.

3) Wait again for her to act on your reply.

4) Respond once and once only.

 

I think I noticed something, I could be wrong, but most guys are telling you DONT RESPOND and most girls are telling you RESPOND. Whats that tell you. The women want to be responded to! Your choice, be smart and think this thru.

I think this is spot on. Not easy for someone to come kicking the door down after making such a big decision it takes time to patch things up and of course she would need to test the waters before jumping in.

I am simply not that cynical and don't believe she is doing this for her ego or to settle her guilt issues- perhaps I'm wrong, but I try to positive and see this as an opportunity to start communication with someone I love. (how often do you find someone you really love?)

Bottom line, I thank you all for your advice, but I think its the female advice I have to run with.

[GreenPolicy]

I think this is spot on. Not easy for someone to come kicking the door down after making such a big decision it takes time to patch things up and of course she would need to test the waters before jumping in.

I am simply not that cynical and don't believe she is doing this for her ego or to settle her guilt issues- perhaps I'm wrong, but I try to positive and see this as an opportunity to start communication with someone I love. (how often do you find someone you really love?)

Bottom line, I thank you all for your advice, but I think its the female advice I have to run with.

 

I would say ascertain up front what it is she wants. You're not playing a game. This is your life. Own it and take control. Be clear about what you want and if she's not up for that, then she needs to get lost.

[andrew23]

I understand what your saying Green, but I think if I suddenly demand answers from her that she may not even know 100% I will be "pushing" her away.

If I do not respond, I will come across as being bitter..

 

If I would put myself in her shoes, I would probably expect an answer - a polite answer telling me a few things about how life is, merry christmas and hope to see you soon, etc... BUT a short elusive one would intrigue me...

 

The ball will still be in her court, and I am not suggesting anything. I want her to understand that I am still open for dialogue and steps to reconcilliation but not ready to be buddies.