email from ex- do i respond.

[IfiKnewThen]

if youre 23 your damn smart ; )

[GreenPolicy]

I understand what your saying Green, but I think if I suddenly demand answers from her that she may not even know 100% I will be "pushing" her away.

If I do not respond, I will come across as being bitter..

 

If I would put myself in her shoes, I would probably expect an answer - a polite answer telling me a few things about how life is, merry christmas and hope to see you soon, etc... BUT a short elusive one would intrigue me...

 

The ball will still be in her court, and I am not suggesting anything. I want her to understand that I am still open for dialogue and steps to reconcilliation but not ready to be buddies.

 

You just don't want to get into your heartstrings pulled again. Be direct and honest about what is you want in a gentle way and see what she says. This is a woman who left you for two months. You shouldn't have to endure something like that for love.

[andrew23]

if youre 23 your damn smart ; )

 

Im actually 33 :-)

thanks for your kind advice. You sound very compassionate

 

@Green, I agree and I will make this clear to her at some point but only if she really wants communication and wants to se me. Not after one email testing the waters. I think I need to keep it realtively open at this stage, and keep her guessing. Its time for her to wonder and do the leg work to have me back in her life (IF she wants that). We'll see...

[Am4Real]

I understand what your saying Green, but I think if I suddenly demand answers from her that she may not even know 100% I will be "pushing" her away.

If I do not respond, I will come across as being bitter..

 

If I would put myself in her shoes, I would probably expect an answer - a polite answer telling me a few things about how life is, merry christmas and hope to see you soon, etc... BUT a short elusive one would intrigue me...

 

The ball will still be in her court, and I am not suggesting anything. I want her to understand that I am still open for dialogue and steps to reconcilliation but not ready to be buddies.

 

Oh bologna!!!!

 

There are thousands and thousands of posts in these forums from recent DUMPEEs who were contacted by their DUMPERS with no clear intent. Most of the DUMPEEs originally held out hope for something to develop from the contact. It will be a rare find if you can point to any significant number of threads where the DUMPER was testing the waters as you like to call it and everything worked out for a reconcilliation.

 

Go ahead, jump in, respond, and play along. Be sure to check back with us often and tell us how it’s progressing!

 

Either way in good time you’ll be the expert winner or a very sorry loser.

 

What is the reason she dumped you anyway? Has it been addressed by you or her or do you even know why she walked out on you?

 

Personally, I would not respond and wait for the next communication. [highlight]What is the harm in waiting?[/highlight] Like do you really believe not responding will drive here away? Come on…is she that undertermined and weak…I doubt it?

 

Good luck.

Edited December 22, 2010 by Am4Real

[andrew23]

Oh bologna!!!!

 

What is the reason she dumped you? Has it been addressed by you or her or do you even know why she walked out on you?

.

 

Well technically "we are on a break" which has lasted over 2 months (so looking more permanent). Went out for over a year and a half.

Out of the blue one day, She said she wasn't sure of it anymore and needed some time for herself to figure stuff out. Basically that she wasn't able to give me the love I deserved right now, and that she still loves me but is not sure if "in love". And that was it... I told her I did not understand, and was upset she didn't feel the need to work at it. However I told her I wanted her to be happy and so I'd give her the space and time she needs to figure it. NC since then! Then email yesterday.

[Eddie Edirol]

Im actually 33 :-)

thanks for your kind advice. You sound very compassionate

 

@Green, I agree and I will make this clear to her at some point but only if she really wants communication and wants to se me. Not after one email testing the waters. I think I need to keep it realtively open at this stage, and keep her guessing. Its time for her to wonder and do the leg work to have me back in her life (IF she wants that). We'll see...

 

Youre not going to keep her guessing. She already knows what you want. You want to get back with her. Thats why she can throw you crumbs and have you respond. She's done it to you twice before and knows that she will keep YOU guessing. She doesnt want to get back with you, she just wants to make sure that you are still waiting for her. She will know that you are if you respond. Dont let her keep playing with you. The person that needs the relationship the most is the one that is kept guessing. Right now that is you...again. Be rid of her for good and dont answer her.

[Am4Real]

Well technically "we are on a break" which has lasted over 2 months (so looking more permanent). Went out for over a year and a half.

Out of the blue one day, She said she wasn't sure of it anymore and needed some time for herself to figure stuff out. Basically that she wasn't able to give me the love I deserved right now, and that she still loves me but is not sure if "in love". And that was it... I told her I did not understand, and was upset she didn't feel the need to work at it. However I told her I wanted her to be happy and so I'd give her the space and time she needs to figure it. NC since then! Then email yesterday.

 

Now Andrew, think about what you just told us for a second…

 

--It was her idea to take a break

--She had very specific reasons for asking for this parting.

--She was unsure of you and her and needed time. Right?

 

Okay makes sense; we see that all the time when one of the partners is no longer into the other partner.

 

No offence but that is generally the reality and there are plenty of examples here in LoveShack to referecne.

 

Alright, given the reasons and the time apart so far, would it not then be the logical thing to communicate something like:

 

“Hey Andrew, hope all well, blah, blah, blah with the generic conversation and so on. Then lead in with a line referencing the break and mentioning she has given much thought to you and her and the need to find her way in order to realize how much she needs to talk to you, etc and more…..that is a logical and sensible communication.

 

The fact is Andrew you’ve been handling NO CONTACT so darn well she is wondering why she has not heard from you. She wants to know and hear that you’ve been thinking of her and so on. She probably has a little guilt about the very long break and this being the Holiday Season finds her pressed with a little guilt and perhaps remnant thoughts of the past.

 

Do a little research…skim thru the posts in these forums and read about all the game playing from both the guys and the gals….with indirect messages. Oh my you will get a glimpse into your own story being told by many others.

 

One thing to note, those that really want to make things work, that have true regrets, who really miss the love of their life, will break down every darn door in front of them to complete the relationship and couple-up again…

 

Good luck my friend in whatever you decide; regardless we’ll be here for you.

[IfiKnewThen]

well theres the vote of confidence you need going into this.

 

look i know you guys want eyes wide open. i think he pretty much gets it after 2 months. we all have to take our best shot. cant just think right off the bat. fake...

 

you dont want me. they wanted us once. and maybe with a little work things can go someones way once in a great while.

 

this is all good solid wisdom...

 

everyone has to take their chances on love or shut the door. not everyones door should be shut at the same time.

 

good luck 23. i think you are strong enough. you dont sound like a madhatter to me; ready to be all foolish and all. one step at a time. but yes. excellent wisdom in this forum. lots of hearts in here all lookin out for you. one way or the other.

[PegNosePete]

NO NO NO

 

Do not respond to this crap. I know I was advising you to break NC to find out what is going on with her, but now she has shown her hand and ended your relationship purgatory. From that message she has absolutely no interest in getting back together with you. It's now time to go NC. Sorry dude but it's over for good. Don't respond, and don't respond ot any other bullsh*t she sends. No Xmas or new year messages. Nothing, ever again.

[Jeff M Stevens]

Hi everyone,

 

My ex just sent me an email after 2 months NC.

The email is friendly and polite, saying:

I have been thinking of you, work has been crazy, all is well, sorry i havent been in touch, would love to see you in the new year, have a wonderful xmas, send love to all family, wishing you all the best for 2011, xxx, etc. basically quite boring and generic.. but sweet and insecure in a way.

Nothing relating to our relationship or anything.

Is this the first step to start communication?

Is it just a polite xmas email?

Do I respond, and if so what? I still love her and want her back more than anything!!!

I had tears in my eyes when i read it because it was saying...nothing really, but a female friend told me it was extremely good as it was the first step back, and it is a girls way of taking "baby steps" to get closer to me.

Not sure what to think or do...

perhaps a confident cool and sweet response? Don't want to ignore her as I will seem bitter and depressed.

please help with suggestions! Thanks

 

Andrew, one chance per woman, per lifetime. If you get back with her then you will be SELLING YOURSELF SHORT.

 

Either you broke up with her or she broke up with you. Based on how heartbroken you sound, I'm betting she broke up with you, but that's only an assumption.

 

Now unless you had a very heinous problem like a gambling addiction that you cleaned up and now she wants you back, I'm betting its just because she lost interest level in you, which happens in most of these cases.

 

Assuming that she just lost interest level...She WILL NOT FORGET WHY SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE EVEN IF YOU GET BACK WITH HER, as its imprinted on her psyche.

 

She is nosing around for one of two reasons

 

1. She got her butt whipped in the dating scene and it's time to come back to comfortable old Andrew

 

2. You tweaked her ego with no contact

 

Either way, if you get her back, it will never be the same. If you can accept a girl that had low enough interest level to flush you down the drain then you should contact her again.

 

However, I'm betting you want a girl that is all about you and this girl never will be again.

 

Put it this way, SHE LEFT YOUR RELATIONSHIP FOR DEAD and didn't look back. Now she's coming back after she completely destroyed everything you had together?

 

Now way man....find a new girl that will be 100% in your corner. This girl never will be again and even if she is physically with you at some point, she never will be mentally.

 

Be careful, the decision you make from here is crucial. You have to choose to either be a little lonely but free to meet a girl that is really right for you or to accept being a 2nd class citizen (at best) with a girl that has low interest level in you.

[Jeff M Stevens]

Well technically "we are on a break" which has lasted over 2 months (so looking more permanent). Went out for over a year and a half.

Out of the blue one day, She said she wasn't sure of it anymore and needed some time for herself to figure stuff out. Basically that she wasn't able to give me the love I deserved right now, and that she still loves me but is not sure if "in love". And that was it... I told her I did not understand, and was upset she didn't feel the need to work at it. However I told her I wanted her to be happy and so I'd give her the space and time she needs to figure it. NC since then! Then email yesterday.

 

I hadn't read this when I did my original post (and I meant "no way" not "now way", LOL)

 

NOW I SAY THAT IT IS OUT FOREVER. Dude, when they say they "need space" or "I need to figure stuff out" that is womanese for:

 

"You lowered my interest level Andrew and now you're out and I'm going to find a new guy"

 

I would bet every chip in Vegas that she either got a butt kicking in the dating scene and is looking for a little R&R at the Andrew Hospital For Low Interest Level Girlfriends OR she couldn't believe you actually had the gall to not contact her.

 

EITHER WAY SHE DOES NOT, LET ME REPEAT, DOES NOT, have ANY interest in you and if you are crazy enough to take her back, she will do it to you again OR torture you for the rest of your life because you aren't John, or Hal, or Harold or whoever else she thought she was going to find when she broke up with you.

 

MOVE ON TO A NEW GIRL AND FOLLOW PEG NOSE PETE'S ADVICE WITH THIS GIRL...

 

NO NO NO

[rhonian]

All of the advice give is pure SPECULATION. Bottom line IS you love this girl, right? If you dont love her and dont want to work your relationship out then dont contact her. If you see her as the girl that you want to spend the rest of your life with and truly love her to the depts of your heart and you DONT make contact you will wonder for the rest of your life what would of happened. Im only saying reply to her in "general" just for the sake of feeling her out....but...you have to be smart about it. DO NOT fall on your knees with arms wide open thanking her for returning. You have to give her the feeling of you can take her or leave her, one way or the other, it really doesnt matter to you and then you draw her back in with your uncaring attitude.

[IfiKnewThen]

great advise in my opinion rhonian. i am really thinking the same way you are. only i wouldnt say uncaring attitude per se. just a bit guarded...maybe.

 

i wish i had a second chance. i think i blew it acting a bit "uncaring"...it can backfire on you

 

 

its a shame its such a tightrope.

[andrew23]

Thanks for all the replies-, I finally did reply yesterday. I basically said:

 

"Hi darling thanks for the message, merry xmas to you and your family too. x"

 

Thereby showing her that i still care but making it clear I'm not desperate for her- just keeping lines open and not giving to much info about myself. I think from this she will understand that I am not going to fall to my knees as soon as she contacts me. That she needs to do a hell of alot better if she wants to get closer to me.

 

FOR WHAT ITS WORTH, she is a good, honest and sweet girl, so I am 95% sure she does not have another guy, as some have speculated, but I guess you never know.

 

I am not expecting any response, just hope I have made her a little curious over the christmas period. She said in her email she wants to see me in the new year - lets see what for... not keen on friendship.

 

Having said that some online literature recommends becoming firends with your ex, and staring off new, then swooping in and starting new romance.

[carhill]

FOR WHAT ITS WORTH, she is a good, honest and sweet girl, so I am 95% sure she does not have another guy, as some have speculated, but I guess you never know.

 

I didn't speculate; my posts have been based on your posts, the first of which I quoted in this thread. Is this thread about the same person as the thread the linked post is about? That thread was started 15 days ago. Have any facts changed? I don't particularly want to go through all your threads and reconstruct reality. How old are you?

 

It is notable that the title of your first thread on LS was making ex jealous

 

Good luck...

[PegNosePete]

FOR WHAT ITS WORTH, she is a good, honest and sweet girl

Sorry dude. But you're so far in denial, you've gone way past Cairo and Luxor, you're fast approaching Aswan.

[andrew23]

I didn't speculate; my posts have been based on your posts, the first of which I quoted in this thread. Is this thread about the same person as the thread the linked post is about? That thread was started 15 days ago. Have any facts changed? I don't particularly want to go through all your threads and reconstruct reality. How old are you?

 

It is notable that the title of your first thread on LS was making ex jealous

 

Good luck...

 

Sorry for the confusion, I have posted two different stories on here. The girl you are thinking of was my ex girlfriend 4 years ago. She was the one who left and came back etc.

Right now i am referring to my last ex with whom i was together for 1.5 years and we are now on a break. I asked about making her jealous as that what a few of my female friends have advised me to do. They say it works magic. Haven't gone down that route though. I am sticking to NC but if she contacts me I am not going to be the sulking ex, but more upbeat and cool - I would say that is more attractive. But who knows. Many people compare the dumper to the devil! I think relationships are complicated, and i think she has personal issues she needs to deal with- its not her goal to mess with my feelings or try to hurt me. Its just unfortunate that she hasn't got it in her to fight for something that was beautiful and fullfilling- at least for me.

Right now I will continue to distance myself and focus on me. If she comes back great if not then its sad, but at least I gave it the opportunity, which if I wouldn't I might regret.

[andrew23]

NC is most probably the way to go, but taking it to an extreme is in my opinion not the best either. It needs to be kept realistic.

p.s. I am 33 she is 29

[Jeff M Stevens]

Thanks for all the replies-, I finally did reply yesterday. I basically said:

 

"Hi darling thanks for the message, merry xmas to you and your family too. x"

 

Thereby showing her that i still care but making it clear I'm not desperate for her- just keeping lines open and not giving to much info about myself. I think from this she will understand that I am not going to fall to my knees as soon as she contacts me. That she needs to do a hell of alot better if she wants to get closer to me.

 

FOR WHAT ITS WORTH, she is a good, honest and sweet girl, so I am 95% sure she does not have another guy, as some have speculated, but I guess you never know.

 

I am not expecting any response, just hope I have made her a little curious over the christmas period. She said in her email she wants to see me in the new year - lets see what for... not keen on friendship.

 

Having said that some online literature recommends becoming firends with your ex, and staring off new, then swooping in and starting new romance.

 

FOR WHAT ITS WORTH, you are super fired up over this girl and you are willing to take whatever scraps are falling off her table. Heaven help you if she does want you back in the new year because she has no interest level in you nor any respect for you, especially if you take her back.

 

If you end up with her, prepare to spend the rest of your life wondering what's wrong with her as she looks out the window with a distant stare. That stare will be her thinking of the guys she really wanted instead of settling for you.

 

I'm not in any way suggesting that you are the type of guy that a woman would settle for.....in fact, if you would just try to find a new girl, I bet you could find one that is super excited that she was able to be with you.

 

However, if you get THIS GIRL back, she will be settling for you and then will torture you for life.

 

Good luck man...you will definitely need it.

[andrew23]

Thanks Jeff, very good point! Thats a scary thought. Lets see.

The same thing happened to my sister. she left her boyfriend, they got back together 6 months later, and are now happily married since 6 years with 3 kids.

Life throws your curve balls, never black and white.

But I certainly respect and understand your point. I will for sure be open to new girls coming into my life and falling in love again. Am positive that will happen- just right now its difficult to imagine anyone else apart from her. The wound is to fresh and I have her in my system. Its only natural to crave her back. Time will tell.

[Jeff M Stevens]

Sorry for the confusion, I have posted two different stories on here. The girl you are thinking of was my ex girlfriend 4 years ago. She was the one who left and came back etc.

Right now i am referring to my last ex with whom i was together for 1.5 years and we are now on a break. I asked about making her jealous as that what a few of my female friends have advised me to do. They say it works magic. Haven't gone down that route though. I am sticking to NC but if she contacts me I am not going to be the sulking ex, but more upbeat and cool - I would say that is more attractive. But who knows. Many people compare the dumper to the devil! I think relationships are complicated, and i think she has personal issues she needs to deal with- its not her goal to mess with my feelings or try to hurt me. Its just unfortunate that she hasn't got it in her to fight for something that was beautiful and fullfilling- at least for me.

Right now I will continue to distance myself and focus on me. If she comes back great if not then its sad, but at least I gave it the opportunity, which if I wouldn't I might regret.

 

You're whistling through the graveyard my friend. I don't compare the dumper to the devil ever. I just say that a woman that dumps you has LOW INTEREST LEVEL IN YOU. Unfortunately a lot of guy's egos RATIONALIZE HER BEHAVIOR (yes, it comes from the ego)

 

"Oh, she just has personal issues"

"Oh, she had a bad childhood"

"Oh, her parakeet fell down a sewer"

 

You see, guys would rather assign a RATIONALIZATION like that to a breakup instead of the real (ego bruising) reason that is:

 

SHE LOST FEELINGS FOR ME

 

Guys egos don't want to accept the very uncomfortable "SHE LOST FEELINGS FOR ME" but that is the bottom line when she leaves.

 

And no, again, she is NOT the devil. It is like the lyrics from the old song that say: "There ain't no good guys, there ain't no bad guys, there's just you and me and we just disagree."

 

When you start realizing that women that are truly in love do not want "space" or "breaks" then you are on your way to getting off this confusing perpetual carousel of ex-girlfriends running in and out of your life.

 

You seem like a good guy that deserves a sweet, supportive girl but you won't find one until you stop messing around with the ones that have lost feelings for you.

[Jeff M Stevens]

Thanks Jeff, very good point! Thats a scary thought. Lets see.

The same thing happened to my sister. she left her boyfriend, they got back together 6 months later, and are now happily married since 6 years with 3 kids.

Life throws your curve balls, never black and white.

But I certainly respect and understand your point. I will for sure be open to new girls coming into my life and falling in love again. Am positive that will happen- just right now its difficult to imagine anyone else apart from her. The wound is to fresh and I have her in my system. Its only natural to crave her back. Time will tell.

 

Anytime man...never my intent to be a jerk, just so you know...I just tell it like it is because I want good guys like you to have good girls that are in love with them.

 

Also, in your sister's case, did he have some kind of problem that he cleaned up? Was he not committing to marriage and she got tired of waiting? Those can be reasons for breakups too and in those cases the girl can have high interest level.

 

Your posts referred to girls that broke up with you needing "space" and that is always woman code for "You lowered my interest level and now I'm leaving"

 

If your sister did retain high interest level in him and came back because something changed that she needed, then the marriage has a chance

 

However, if she came back because she could find nothing better out there, she herself got lonely, then it really isn't high interest level in him, its just that he is "the best of a bad lot" and he has reconciled that he doesn't have her entire heart at his disposal.

 

I don't know the entire scope of their relationship but I always cast a wary eye towards the woman leaving and then coming back. There are plenty of "happily married" people that have erected a Hollywood set to the world but inside their 4 private walls we more often than not find a guy that has accepted 60% interest from his significant other because he just couldn't be without her.

 

Now, if you're a guy that can accept being with a woman for life that you don't have all the way as far as her feelings go, hey, that's cool, but never fool yourself.

 

No, life is not black and white but I'm an odds maker as I feel that when you're playing with finding someone that you will be with FOR LIFE you better give yourself the best shot possible. It's amazing how many guys will spend more time buying a car but when it comes to women, they just "wing it," and then end up in divorce court with heinous amounts of debt and alimony payments.

 

Odds say that if she leaves, she more often than not has lost interest level. Yes, there can be exceptions where a guy is hopelessly addicted to something, cleans up his act and finds that his high interest level girlfriend is still willing to be with him.

 

However, most of the time it is: Girl and guy fall in love, guy lowers girl's interest level, girl leaves.

 

Then if she does come back from that scenario, heaven help the guy because she is in "I settled for you and you're lucky to have me" mode.

[Am4Real]

Thanks Jeff, very good point! Thats a scary thought. Lets see.

The same thing happened to my sister. she left her boyfriend, they got back together 6 months later, and are now happily married since 6 years with 3 kids.

Life throws your curve balls, never black and white.

But I certainly respect and understand your point. I will for sure be open to new girls coming into my life and falling in love again. Am positive that will happen- just right now its difficult to imagine anyone else apart from her. The wound is to fresh and I have her in my system. Its only natural to crave her back. Time will tell.

 

Keep us posted...BTW, look at the experienced posters who are giving advice and compare it with the others who have a few dozen posts at best. Are you getting it yet?

[IfiKnewThen]

"Hi darling thanks for the message, merry xmas to you and your family too. x"

 

 

i would have melted. just using the word darling. awesomeeeeeeeee. you sound so sweet there but not all pining and insecure. and you are human and acting like a friend saying merry christmas. this to me is PERFECT.

 

and your correct. not everything is black and white. i too know someone who's husband cheated for years with this other woman and he did break up with his wife...move to the city ..it looked bad for her. and sorry to say his wife was a biatch. she was. i have known them for 26 years...so trust me. anyway she did try to change her ways...ps long story short..he and she are back and no divorce.

 

yes i have read those books too online about become the friend. yes...for me he just got married 3 days ago. BUT>>>>>>>BUT i did NOT become the friend. i acted friendly...but wasnt a friend. it was so raw for me i wasnt ready to her about the person he met only 2 months after he ended with me...but i feel if i SHOWED him thoroughly i was changed and been his friend and listened to him. i dont think he would be married or at least ..i would have known i tried it all. ok yours and mine are way different stories.

 

but yes, everyone is always quick to say...dont talk to them...they screwed you over. sometimes that IS the case. sometimes they had good reason to leave or are just young..whatever. the point is we are ALL each and everyone of us trying to look out for you in here. because here we all hurt and want to help YOU to avoid hurt and pain. but i think you are doing terrific and i like your approach to this. stay strong. you will at least know you tried. i love your reply to her. short simple sweet friendly and even confident not cold or cocky...which is a turn off.

[carhill]

OP, thanks for clarifying. I found the proper text to quote:

 

my girlfriend and I had a very close, passionate, loving and caring relationship for about a year and a half. about 6 weeks ago she left me out of the blue! No real reasons were given.

She started being slightly distant in the week leading up to the break-up, and so i started asking what the problem is, I had to squeeze it out of her. She basically said she is not sure she is "in love" with me anymore but that she still loves me, that its not me that its her, and shes confused and needs some space to figure things out. I was shocked especially as we had a great and very healthy loving relationship throughout the time we were together, and up to a few days before she was still telling me how much she loves me and how I was the best guy she ever had, etc. Then suddenly this change of heart.

 

This is the unmarried version of WAW. The 'I love you but am not in love with you' speech. What followed (e-mails, etc) were actions to assuage her guilt for dumping you. You assert there is no other man involved but long experience causes me to question that. She might not be f*cking someone, but, unless her pattern is to be alone for significant periods of time processing relationship endings, she likely has been in contact with someone or a man she's had her eye on has recently become available. The apparent suddenness of her departure without apparent rancor or discord in your R underscores this dynamic.

 

Lastly, at 28, she might still be a 'young' 28 versus your 33. I don't know her relationship history. A recitation of that might help.

 

You sent the e-mail. OK. Now leave it alone, for good. She knows how to find you and that you're receptive. If she comes fishing again, insist on a personal meeting. Do not banter back and forth. She can electron flirt with you until the cows come home while she's banging another guy. That's easy. Ten seconds. Personal meeting. Look her in the eyes. Good luck